These are the best years of your life.

I know they are right. And there are moments and days where I relish it full well.

If only they, and I, and the world around us were not so entrenched in sin in our being, perhaps it would be realized to its fullest extent.

Then again Grandma years are looking better and better...

I've done quite a bit of deep thinking about home schooling and all the different philosophies concerning its end goals since we first decided to homeschool 7 years ago. I've pondered, prayed about, and conversed on/read about everything from unschooling to Classical to college by 12 and everything in between. What I've learned is that though my children are really learning a lot right now, I'm the one learning the most, learning how to live after over 20 years of being in institutions from private preschool to public school to private college and having my life regulated and run for me while trying to learn the most, be the best, and have the best job one day. But sometimes I feel like I'm floundering. Like I'm not really sure what the point is for me or for them...what is our end goal?

Obviously, most basically speaking, first and foremost my desire for my children is that they learn to love the Lord their God with all their heart, mind, and soul and to love their neighbor as themselves. Second I want them to have the desire and tools to be able to learn whatever it is they want to learn in order to make a living for themselves in something that allows them to serve their Lord and their neighbor while also having fun and being able to provide for whatever family God gives them.

But I guess I struggle with how to make their childhood life at home lead them in that direction. Our life feels so minute to minute, so pieced together like some kind of piece quilt. When I look at the big picture of what our year has already held I'm amazed at the learning experiences and things they've accomplished that rival projects I saw presented in middle school. But sometimes I panic that life isn't more all laid out for me with a+b= successful independent child. Instead this learning and growing and training of a child is an endless path of adjusting, changing, and reworking. If public school education is a jigsaw puzzle, home schooling sometimes feels like balloon art. 

First can I hit it, second will it pop, third, eh heck, let's try it, we can always blast a different one later...

A long way from Neverland

So yesterday I took the kids to a nature preserve that had a waterfall we could hike to. It was beautiful weather, absolutely perfect, and the hike went really well. They ran ahead, observed birds and critters, and asked a million questions. On the way back to the parking lot we stopped at a creek and I let them kick off their shoes and begin exploring their way down the stream. I sat on a log enjoying the view and just relaxing for a bit. They began having so much fun that we stayed there for quite some time while they pretended and created and asked more questions. We ended up having a long discussion about different bodies of water, what they connect to, the names of different types of bodies of water, etc etc. My oldest noticed that the stream was flowing towards the lake and wondered if the lake wasn't what was feeding it, what was? Amazing discussions.

Anyways, as we were finishing up we heard a commotion and turned towards the entrance of the trail to see a huge group of kids. My oldest shouted, "Look Mom! It's SCHOOL kids!" I had to chuckle, being a public school kid myself once upon a time, that it was such a novelty to him like seeing a strange animal at the zoo. All of my kids stopped what they were doing to observe these interesting children. Once they all got off the bus they were asked to stay in a single file line for about 10 minutes while teachers planned, chatted, grouped up the kids, etc. They then waited longer for the guides to figure out what was going on. Finally the kids were handed papers and told which trail to walk on (away from the waterfall, they didn't get to see it), how long to take, and given instructions on their worksheet. My kids in turn realized there was a trail going in the opposite direction and were overcome with curiosity. So we followed after the school kids. My kids found a dock and it was blocked off by an unlocked swinging gate. I was trying to not be so protective that day and let them explore more so I told them they could go past the gate if they really wanted to but they must understand the reason the gate is there is to show that what is beyond could be potentially dangerous. They must mind the edges, walk slowly, and not lean over too far. Then I let them go. They did so well. They held hands and walked carefully while watching out for one another (I kept the 1 yr old with me).  They noticed the fish all watching them and wondered aloud why it looked like they were waiting to be fed, did the workers here feed them? If not what do they eat? What kinds of fish are they? Etc Etc. We then walked on and found a GIANT tree, it looked like two trees grown together, and its entire center was hollow and the contents all spilled out all over the ground: a giant heap of decomposing wood with all sorts of tunnels from insects, etc. Oh we had a field day with that. 100 questions later  it was time to head back. As we got back the kids were coming up behind us with their worksheet. It was a scavenger hunt sheet where they had to find a certain leaf, a certain bird, and a few other things. I couldn't help but wonder if that sheet had kept them from being able to really look around them and ask questions.

On the way home we stopped at a field overrun with dandelions and harvested them. We brought them home and steeped the flowers to make dandelion jelly then roasted the leaves and roots for tea. The kids loved seeing the flowers dissected and opened up and wondered why the petals smelled of honey.

Today we went to another nature preserve for a home school group we attend. The kids had a fun music time and Bible time. Then they played for a while. Just then another school bus full of uniform clad kids pulled up. All the home school kids watched as the kids walked in lines, were sat in bleachers for a lecture, were given a worksheet, and were walked around to a few sites. Then one of the mothers in our group, who has a high degree in a few science fields, took the kids on a long walk down a trail. I stayed back with my littles. When my oldest got back he was going on and on about all the things she pointed out and all the questions they all asked and got answered and all the places he was allowed to run off and explore. When they got back the school kids were all being lined up. Our kids went and played more on the playground. A while later I rounded my kids up and we went to the van. The bus was just making its way out of the lot.

I grew up in public school. So did my husband. My sisters send their kids there as do many of my friends. So what I can't figure out is why this school thing suddenly feels so strange and so foreign. I literally couldn't stop gawking like my kids. I remember field trip days as some of the most fun days of the year. I never felt like I was in an environment while growing up that was super structured or not fun, but after living a life not part of the educational institutions for several years, that life seems so unnatural and odd to me now.

A lady from our church gave me an old stack of books from when her kids were little. There were four elementary science books in the stack that looked really cute and fun. I think we'll spend the day going through them tomorrow. We have some curricula we use, but we probably only use them 3 days a week as other days we like to just find our own things to do/learn. It's not the right choice for many families, but I'm thankful, so so thankful, that for now it's still legal in our country to make this choice.

A rose by any other name...

Recently one of my sisters said, in a public forum, that she was not raised in a Christian home. When I read it I had to pause and read it again. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. Anyone who has read my blog or my old blog long enough knows how I feel about my Dad (who was the main parent to raise us). But after several days of meditating on her words I realized a fundamental difference between her way of thinking and mine, between her faith and mine, and it made the Gospel wash over me anew.

My sister has a good 8 years on me. My parents divorced when she was old enough to remember and even old enough to have it rock her young child life. The circumstances were steeped in sin on both sides, even for years before the divorce, as is usually the case. My father continued to attend worship weekly and take us children along, as did my mother though at a different church, and we never missed a Sunday unless we were very ill. 

My father was a sinful man through and through. He committed many very hurtful sins while professing to be a Christian and taking his children proudly to church. He lived in sin and made decisions to further sin while still attending worship weekly. He probably could have and should have been excommunicated. Though I firmly believe if he had been brought up on charges so to speak by the church that he would have repented. 

But world, here loud and clear, I WAS raised in a Christian home. Every single day of my life. I was raised in a Christian home because Jesus is my salvation and He is stronger than sin and His grace is sufficient. His Word is living and active and His Holy Spirit all consuming. When my parents faithfully brought me to the font of Holy Baptism I was in-dwelt, forgiven, and set free. And for every single day of my childhood my father prayed with me at bed time, meal times, and saw to it that I was in church.  

A Christian home is NOT where everyone is happy and sinless. It is not where parents do not make big mistakes that can hurt many people even their children. A Christian home is where sinners continuously drag themselves to church where the Holy Spirit, given mercifully to us sinners in God's Word, Baptism, and God's Holy Body and Blood, wages war with our sinful natures to bring us to repentance and urge us further and further into good works. 

My dad did not live like a Christian on the outside for many years. But thanks be to God salvation is not dependent on our works or ability to withstand temptation. My sister's church would say becoming a Christian changes you and makes you live differently. I say becoming a Christian saves you and redeems you and wages a life-long war to drag you kicking and screaming to repentance. 

My salvation and status of being raised in a Christian home is not dependent on my Dad's ability, or lack thereof, to withstand temptations to fall into sin and even get stuck in sin. It is not dependent on whether I was given enough money to buy school clothes. It is not dependent on whether I liked my step moms. It is not dependent on whether my Dad made it to important days, was there to do homework with me, or whether we all walked around our house cheerfully serving one another and being trained in character development. It is not dependent on how much time we spent together, on how much TV we watched, or on how much we were...or weren't...together.

It depends only on Jesus. And I was fed Jesus, as were each of my siblings, in every way that God gives Himself to us, all thanks to my Dad, Step Mom, and Mom. Were we hurt by many of their sins and choices, yes. But my desire to forgive them and not see their sin as a way to judge them is evidence that faith is not a product of works. I was raised in a Christian home and I am so comforted, as I struggle to bring up my own children, that even amidst trial and tribulation, Jesus, in His Word and Sacraments, is sufficient.

The Church’s one foundation
Is Jesus Christ her Lord,
She is His new creation
By water and the Word.
From heaven He came and sought her
To be His holy bride;
With His own blood He bought her
And for her life He died.

Elect from every nation,
Yet one o’er all the earth;
Her charter of salvation,
One Lord, one faith, one birth;
One holy Name she blesses,
Partakes one holy food,
And to one hope she presses,
With every grace endued.

The Church shall never perish!
Her dear Lord to defend,
To guide, sustain, and cherish,
Is with her to the end:
Though there be those who hate her,
And false sons in her pale,
Against both foe or traitor
She ever shall prevail.

Though with a scornful wonder
Men see her sore oppressed,
By schisms rent asunder,
By heresies distressed:
Yet saints their watch are keeping,
Their cry goes up, “How long?”
And soon the night of weeping
Shall be the morn of song!

’Mid toil and tribulation,
And tumult of her war,
She waits the consummation
Of peace forevermore;
Till, with the vision glorious,
Her longing eyes are blest,
And the great Church victorious
Shall be the Church at rest.

Yet she on earth hath union
With God the Three in One,
And mystic sweet communion
With those whose rest is won,
O blessed heavenly chorus!

Lord, save us by Your grace,

That we, like saints before us,

May see you face to face.

O happy ones and holy!
Lord, give us grace that we
Like them, the meek and lowly,
On high may dwell with Thee:
There, past the border mountains,
Where in sweet vales the Bride
With Thee by living fountains
Forever shall abide!

The answer is no.

Yesterday I was having a conversation with my oldest child that went something like this:

Son: "Mom, after we do this, can we do that and if I do this can I have that and if I want this, can I..."

Mom: "NO! No, OK? If you ask me for ANYTHING the answer will be no! Don't you understand?! I know what you need before you even ask. I give you everything that you need. Everything else is simply a desire and it takes all joy away from me to bless you with something out of the ordinary when you've been whining for it in my face. Perhaps if you stop asking and begging for so many things that you want, you will find that I will bless you without you even having to ask! And wouldn't that be more fun than whining?"

Now I totally did not mean to blurt all of that out. It had been a very long couple of days with kids so congested they couldn't breathe well and they all had fevers. I was so tired of all the fussing and whining and begging for stuff they normally don't get to do (watch movies) just because they were sick that it all just came out.

But as soon as the words were out of my mouth, words that had just come from nowhere it seemed, I stood there kind of in shock. Then I listened to them again silently. Then I let the kids watch their movie and gave them some treats and went into my bedroom to repent.

Lesson learned. Because sometimes what you say to your kids is really what you need to hear. And I am so thankful that this is not how our Lord is with us. Instead he tells us to come to Him with all of our wants, needs, desires, etc. He tells us to pray continuously and in all times and seasons. We come as sinners and we come not even knowing what we really need but God in His wisdom forgives and strengthens us for good works in His service.