Reluctance

It's been almost three weeks since my husband announced to our church that we are leaving them. Perhaps that sounds like a negative way of talking about accepting a new call but it is the truth. I did not want to go to church the day of his announcement. I felt sick over it and I couldn't bear to be sitting there with eyes on me while he made it. But I knew I couldn't leave my husband without family support that day so I prayed, earnestly, that the Lord would help.

When I arrived at church it was easy at first. He wasn't supposed to be making his announcement for another week yet so no one knew he was making it. My heart pounded in my chest. Lord, are we insane?! It must be something like standing at the door of an airplane right before a sky diver jumps. We have to be mad. I gathered my boys and we walked though the narthex when suddenly I realized someone was in our pew! Bother. Any good Lutheran knows a pew is sacred space, now we would be sitting somewhere awkward on such a big day. My eyes darted trying to figure out where to sit when I realized there was something familiar about the heads in our pew. The couple stood up and turned around and I gasped, it was my husband's aunt and uncle! Words can't convey how my heart swelled. I absolutely adore these two people, from the moment I joined the family they have shown me such warmth and unconditional love. I asked them how they knew and what they were doing here (they live over an hour away and a visit was not planned) and her eyes teared up and she said, "We didn't, he just told us what is happening today, we were in town yesterday for business and stayed the night and decided to come to church here this morning." I hugged her.

We took our seats and before I could think my husband was coming out and stepping down amidst the congregation. I swore I wouldn't cry but my eyes began to sting hot. His voice took on a shaky edge as he made a few other announcements and I saw some eyes look curiously at me wondering why he seemed that way. Then he took a deep breath and said he had another big announcement to make. Every eye locked on him and I saw people stiffen. I don't remember the words he said, it all just blurred at that point, but as my aunt put her arm around me and began silently crying, it was all I could do to not fall apart as the tears streamed down my face. To say there was an audible gasp when he announced he had actually accepted a call across the world would be an understatement. How could a pastor with 5 young children leave a booming, proud LCMS church that boasts a 4K-8 school with a waiting list a mile long? How could he go to perils unknown and sell everything he owns? How could he leave family and friends and the ability to communicate and go to a place where he will not only start over with relationships but even in the ability to speak? Members began streaming out of the church into the restrooms and hallways to cry and console each other. I wished then that the announcements were after church instead of before. But as he closed his announcement he said that now we would draw near to the Lord for comfort as He gives us Himself in His Word and Sacraments and draws us, as always, to the entire church around the world and the church triumphant.

It's been three weeks since that day. But it feels like an eternity. I once read a book titled "The Reluctant Companion" about a pastor's wife who ended up a missionary's wife when her husband's first call out of seminary was overseas to Africa. To say I'm reluctant at this point sounds like a paradox. Didn't we agree to this? Didn't we pray about it for months? Yes. But it's quite a different thing to dream about adventures afar and then to wake up and realize it's no longer a dream. We are committed. There is no turning back. For months we romanticized and talked to our families feeling quite proud of what WE were willing to do to serve the church and then we woke up on the other side of his announcement and realized how very weak we are. It is the Lord who will do this, not us. This is our comfort. And so every day we wake up to our new reality and try to find the strength to begin the months of preparation for deployment.

Last night as we prepared for bed, my husband read a sermon aloud from Reverend David Petersen's Advent and Christmas sermons. Anyone who is familiar with Pr. Petersen's sermons knows the powerful preacher he is. The law in his sermons strikes hard and swift like a hard slap on the face, but his Gospel rains over like a torrential warm spring downpour. Last night I was shocked to hear Gospel from beginning to end. I know there was law because Pr. Petersen does not preach sermons without law (for it is the law that shows us our need for a Savior), but the Gospel was so strong and so comforting, and perhaps I needed it so badly, that I soaked in its glory from beginning to end. He spoke on love, on God's plan of salvation from the garden through the incarnation, and God's intimate way He draws us, not as a God that forces Himself on us and forces adoration, but as a God that so desires us to delight in Him that He draws us tenderly, affectionately, as a groom draws his new bride tenderly to himself.

My husband and I spoke in hushed voices. God has most assuredly drawn us to this, and where He draws, He loves: tenderly, completely. Christ is bigger than all of this and His love for our current church far exceeds our love for them. He will show us how deeply He loves when He continues to provide for them during this very unexpected departure and when He continues to provide for us during this curveball we never, ever, expected. My husband and I laughed last night about how we don't even like to try new restaurants. Or really go to new places. We prefer to vacation by visiting our families. But God's calls rarely make human sense. What matters is that God has called, and where He calls, He equips. May He equip us to this service with love and humility.

When Divine Meets Death

Yesterday as my children and I walked up to the rail to receive the Lord's Body and Blood, I was caught off guard by an unexpected sight.  The third Sunday in Advent is known as Gaudete Sunday, or, the Sunday of rejoicing. On this Sunday in Advent we turn slightly from the somber repentance that is the Christian's focus while contemplating our Lord's second coming and judgement day, and we rejoice that for those in Christ His second coming brings peace and eternal life. 

So, imagine my surprise then when, adorning the floor area in front of the chancel, I saw three beautiful funeral arrangements. I remembered that the day before the church had held a funeral for a member who just went home to the Lord but, found myself instantly captivated by the sight....and by the irony. In my church the Sunday of rejoicing is not only met with the pink candle on the advent wreath being lit but the entire church bursts forth the decorations of Christmas and, later in the afternoon, the choir shouts forth beautiful hymns of advent in a concert for the entire community. So, there I knelt, staring at two 25 ft tall evergreen trees decked tip to stump in Chrismons and twinkling lights, and...funeral flowers. 

My eyes trailed to the altar and, for some reason, my eyes were caught by the edge of the white altar covering and the pole that holds it in place running through its side. Suddenly my mouth went dry as I thought back to the previous Holy Week and the stripping of the altar. I could still see in my mind Pastor pulling the rod out so the covering could be gently folded up and removed, leaving the altar naked and bare. 

I looked from the flowers to the trees over and over and it hit me, the life of a Christian truly is constant irony. It's black and white, sinner and saint, weeping and laughter, repentance and absolution, Christmas and Good Friday, Good Friday and Easter, death and life. 

Suddenly I loved those funeral flowers. They made a very bold statement that I do not think was intentional on the part of the person who left them. We hold hopeful, expectant vigil as we await our Christmas feasting but on this side of heaven Lent will come once again, as will Good Friday. It will come in our lives too...suffering, sickness, depression, misfortune, destruction, torture, war, death...but there's a reason we adorn caskets with flowers. It's not some kind of departing "thank you" note to the deceased, it's a testimony of life. 

"Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these." (Matthew 6:28-29 ESV)

Those flowers are a testimony of a promise, a declaration of faith. Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ WILL come again, and when He does, He is taking us home. 

I wish I could arrange for there to be funeral flowers on the third Sunday in Advent every single year. Gaudete Sunday was the first Sunday after my Dad's deadly plane crash. I remember thinking then how ironic that was, and yet, how wonderful. We rejoice even in death because Christ is coming for us, and when He does, oh Happy Day!!!

10 years

O perfect Love, all human thought transcending,

Lowly we kneel in prayer before Thy throne,

That theirs may be the love which knows no ending,

Whom Thou forevermore dost join in one.

O perfect Life, be Thou their full assurance,

Of tender charity and steadfast faith,

Of patient hope and quiet, brave endurance,

With childlike trust that fears nor pain nor death.

Grant them the joy which brightens earthly sorrow;

Grant them the peace which calms all earthly strife,

And to life’s day the glorious unknown morrow

That dawns upon eternal love and life.

Hear us, O Father, gracious and forgiving,

Through Jesus Christ, Thy coeternal Word,

Who, with the Holy Ghost, by all things living

Now and to endless ages art adored.

O Perfect Love TLH #623

I'm not sure how it happened. I blinked. Well, I suppose moving 9 times in 10 years helped pass the time...and having 11 pregnancies...and three dogs and a bird...and having four awesome little boys in our first 7 years. But here my husband and I are, less than 3 months away from celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary. 

Our wedding was beautiful and perfect. It was perfect because of who I was marrying, and, if I do say so myself, because it was the perfect Lutheran service with beautiful hymnody and preaching. There is no doubt in my mind that my husband was chosen for me from the moment God formed me in my mother's womb. I am his and he is mine. His love for me is never ending and the amount he sacrifices of his own desires to serve me and our children is apparent every single day. He lives to serve me and our children and I live to serve him. We both do this not with our own power but strengthened by the Holy Spirit, constantly fighting against our own sinful whims. But in everything we have the first and most powerful love of our Heavenly Father which is the whole point of marriage anyways: to exemplify and receive intimately Christ's love for His bride, the church. 

By the time we celebrate our anniversary in December we will, God willing, have 5 children here with us and another child that is with us 5 days a week. We have a very active and huge puppy, a bird, and a house on over a half acre with two apple trees and a pear tree. Our home is over 100 years old and I love it, though it needs constant attention that seems to leave us with more of a damage control list than a home improvement list. My husband has been a pastor for five years now and is currently serving a congregation of great size, much larger than anything we ever imagined we would be blessed to serve. This of course means, well, he really should have three of himself, at least, just to do that job alone. 

My husband is also blessed to be earning his doctorate right now. It's a four year program and he has just begun year two. It involves traveling for a week at a time three times a year for intensives on campus in addition to all the papers, reading, and work he must do while home performing his job to his church and family. He will be traveling again before our baby comes and I'm so thankful my mom is coming to help me make it through the week so that I don't die of exhaustion from trying to hold down the house with five kids and a very pregnant belly while home schooling our four children. Sometimes I feel like I need three of me too: one to cook all the meals and snacks and grocery shop and garden/can to keep four boys' tummies full, one to clean, organize, and manage a home and yard this large, and one to homeschool and love on the children. I feel like every day only one of those jobs is able to be done well, or all three only get done part way. 

Earlier this week after a particularly hard day (it was the great clothes swap from spring/summer wardrobe to fall/winter wardrobe-and sizing each child up one-that involves repacking every piece of clothing for the boys' into bins in the basement and then pulling out the new sizes for all the boys while meticulously keeping track of exactly how many pairs of pants, shorts, long sleeve, short sleeve, pajamas, church outfits, and underwear each child can have in order to have room for their clothes in their shared bedroom) my husband and I got into bed and he was very stressed about work and school and home improvements and I was stressed about my inability to do all things well at home and we were both stressed about money and I thought to myself...this is it. This is that point in marriage where marriages either fall apart or intertwine even stronger like a well-weathered rope made nearly stronger from use and time. 

I looked at my husband and he pulled out our Bible reading for the night and then we held hands to pray. His prayer was short and very simple...almost childlike. But it was that way on purpose because after a long day it's good to pray that way I think...and I've only heard him pray like that with me. When he was done we looked at each other and I laughed. I laughed at how simple it all really is, this life. 

What Does the Lord Require?

6 “With what shall I come before the Lord,

and bow myself before God on high?

Shall I come before him with burnt offerings,

with calves a year old?

7 Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams,

with ten thousands of rivers of oil?

Shall I give my firstborn for my transgression,

the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?”

8 He has told you, O man, what is good;

and what does the Lord require of you

but to do justice, and to love kindness,

and to walk humbly with your God?" Micah 6:6-8 ESV

And that is why we can laugh. My husband and I, we are so rich. We are rich in our vocations. Just when we think we can't handle more, God gives us more: more to serve, more to love, more to die for each and every day. The sheer enormity of what my husband and I are responsible for on a day to day basis is downright terrifying some days. But then I laugh because it reminds me of a couple of times in high school when I would go to take a final exam that I could fail and still get an "A" in the class because my grade was high enough. Life is like that: the battle has already been won, the victory is ours, what does God require of you? To do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God. 

And so we love. We will never, ever cross off our to do list. We will never have enough money or enough energy or enough patience or enough kindness or enough of anything. But we have Christ Jesus and He is enough. And so we get up each day, hold hands in prayer, and thank God that one thing we do have enough of is enough forgiveness from Jesus....and enough to keep us busy. :)

The night before my life began.

The whole world's going crazy...

...but not in here.  Soli Deo Gloria

Your Sorrow Will Turn into Joy

[16] “A little while, and you will see me no longer; and again a little while, and you will see me.” [17] So some of his disciples said to one another, “What is this that he says to us, ‘A little while, and you will not see me, and again a little while, and you will see me’; and, ‘because I am going to the Father’?” [18] So they were saying, “What does he mean by ‘a little while’? We do not know what he is talking about.” [19] Jesus knew that they wanted to ask him, so he said to them, “Is this what you are asking yourselves, what I meant by saying, ‘A little while and you will not see me, and again a little while and you will see me’? [20] Truly, truly, I say to you, you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice. You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn into joy. [21] When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world. [22] So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you. (John 16:16-22 ESV)

The Darkness Deepens: And why that's OK.

In the past few months I've come under a lot of ridicule for the title of my blog. I was confronted rather harshly by a couple of loved ones and it sometimes still confounds me.

Today was a bad day. I woke up to two of my children rowdily getting out of bed (which they are not allowed to do) and thus awakening their baby brother who was in his big boy bed for his very first night. They woke him-and me- up an hour before we are accustomed to getting up. But because baby boy was awake I had to hop out of bed and get up there because he also just potty trained and I needed to get his night time diaper off so he could use the potty. Within the span of an hour I dealt with about 5 meltdowns from over-tired children, a dog that was insisting on trying to dig holes in the yard and eat his own poop, a few huge spills (two of which were the dog and included him grabbing a full cup of smoothie and tossing it up into the air where it hit the wall and splattered all over himself, the wall, and the floor and the other of which was a half drank bottle of kefir, which he enjoyed immensely). By the time my husband got up I wanted to sob and was so tired I didn't know what to do with myself.

This evening my husband left for church and I sent the children upstairs to play. I read an article that I had seen linked to and had been wanting to check out because I'm always up for a good lashing that will remind me how selfish I am so I can try to repent more, be better, and therefore attain piety.....um, what? Yea, don't deny it, you know you are too:

http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/the-me-monster/

Thankfully I'm getting better at spotting these types of articles for what they are and turning to what Scripture actually says.

About the only thing I found truly helpful about the above link was the very last recommendation to counter one's own thoughts with God's Word. But my passages would look far different from hers. See how she beats herself down with more law? Law for law. She shares in depth a very deep and very hard personal struggle to the Law and how she was about nearly crushed from her need to find perceived perfection in the Amish faith and then how does she say she came out of it? Here was her before:

"What about me? I am tired! Furthermore, I want to raise my kids Amish; my husband won’t allow me to do this; what about my dreams? What about how I feel? They are my kids too! I have been through so much. I, I, I, and what about me, me, me” (notice the “ME” monster). That was my sin. Depression is selfish. When you are depressed, you are only thinking about yourself—about poor and unfortunate ME. I was seeking my own. "

And here is her solution to this problem:

"Once I got my focus off myself and onto what my purpose was, and onto Christ, it really made me get better. I had to start realizing that things could be worse. I had to start seeing things differently. I was really bad.....I want to be patient, to endure the hard times, and understand God’s perfect will and timing in the lives of others."

Hmmm....Do you see the problem here? I don't see any loss of the "me monster" she claims to have found to solve her problem.

My dear sisters, you cannot rid yourself of the "me monster". You simply cannot. You cannot stop hurting, you cannot stop muddling through the diapers and the laundry and the filth and the hardships...they (the hurting, the selfishness, the desire to be free from our burdens and sins) just aren't going to go away. They just aren't. The low pressure weather systems with the storms building up behind them kind of days that depress us (or at least me) are still going to come, the news is still going to show the insanity going on around the world that leads us to stare in horror and go, "What the hell?", and we are still going to yell sometimes, be as selfish as the naughtiest 2 year old sometimes, and just not have the energy to do more than throw sugar laden junk at our kids to get them to SIT DOWN AND BE QUIET sometimes. 

So what does God's Word say to us? Sisters, the secret when going through God's Word is not to apply law to law. Oh yes, those passages the author of the article shared are God's Inspired Word but did you see their context? Those passages are not written in the context of applying to the hurting, the broken, the law-sick person. Read through the entire Bible and you see that God never changes: He applies law to the unrepentant haters of God and GOSPEL to the hurting, despairing, but faith filled believers in Christ..So read these:

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, 7 casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you. 8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.9 Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. 10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. 11 To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 5:6-11 (emphasis mine)

"[13] Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. [14] For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. [15] For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. [16] Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. [17] So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. [18] For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. [19] For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. [20] Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. [21] So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. [22] For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, [23] but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. [24] Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? [25] Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. "(Romans 7:13-25 ESV)

"Some went down to the sea in ships,

doing business on the great waters;

24 they saw the deeds of the Lord,

his wondrous works in the deep.

25 For he commanded and raised the stormy wind,

which lifted up the waves of the sea.

26 They mounted up to heaven; they went down to the depths;

their courage melted away in their evil plight;

27 they reeled and staggered like drunken men

and were at their wits' end.

28 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,

and he delivered them from their distress.

29 He made the storm be still,

and the waves of the sea were hushed.

30 Then they were glad that the waters were quiet,

and he brought them to their desired haven." Psalm 107:23-30

Christ has died, Christ is Risen, Christ will come again. And HE will lift you up in due time. And in the mean time we keep on asking our children to forgive us, we forgive as we have been forgiven, and we drag our weary souls where He promises to be: His Word and His Body and Blood, and in the remembrance of our Baptisms. There we find strength for our souls and the courage to keep moving. He IS coming indeed! If there is one thing I hope my children learn from me it is that life is like the above Psalm. We will stagger and fall and be at our wits' end...but Jesus comes, He always comes. I hope my children always know we cannot save ourselves and we can never be good enough, Mommy certainly is not, but we are LOVED, we are FORGIVEN, and Christ gives us His Very Self and does not leave us as orphans. We are His, bought with His Blood, and it's OK to be sad, it's OK to have bad days, we forgive and keep on moving in Christ's help and Christ's joy. 

Peace be with you and Christ keep you.

Whom do you serve?

"Mama, were they the good guys or the bad guys?"

"What?" I asked. (more to give myself a chance to think than because I didn't hear him)

"Were they the good guys or the bad guys?"

The question came from my 8 year old son as we discussed two military groups who were at war with one another. One of the military groups happened to be that of the United States of America.

I paused as I felt the inner turmoil of the answer I knew I had heard numerous times and the answer I knew was correct because of my faith. I went with the latter.

"Son? Are you a sinner?"

"Yes."

"Are all men sinners?"

"Yes."

"Are all men wicked...bad?"

He paused thoughtfully..."yes".

"So which side is the 'good guys'?"

"Neither?"

"That's right, son. War is wicked. God alone has the right to wage justice on the wicked. He has given authority to government leaders to rule earthly kingdoms but that does not mean that war is ever good. All killing and all war is evidence of the effects of sin and of our fallen status before God. It should grieve us. But even further, the only just war is the war fought in immediate self defense."

This conversation took place the week leading up to Memorial Day. It really got me thinking and meditating on all the things I have learned since leaving my upbringing in the institutionalized schools of our country and learning to really ask questions and scrutinize our country and its claims. There are so many things to be thankful for in this country, so many things to be proud of and happy about...but there are also so many things to be worried about, grieved over, and angry about.

So as Memorial day drew close, I began to see the articles and the facebook pictures and statuses praising our fallen heros. Again I felt that tug between the phrases that had been implanted in me as a child in government schools and what I knew to be true according to God's Word. You know the phrases, "These men fought so we could be free." "Freedom isn't free." "He gave his life so you could enjoy yours." And on and on and on.

I would never question the amazing sacrifice a man or woman makes to leave their family to join the military.

I would never question the terror of a man or woman losing their life or their limbs/health in combat.

I would never question the bravery of a man or woman leaving home for another country, entering territories unknown to carry out missions too scary for my wildest dreams.

I do not question the heart and desire of a man or woman to defend their beloved country home and the thankfulness in their heart with which they do this. 

But my question is...did not Hitler's men do the same things? Hear me out. My son was once given a book about the WWII German battleship, The Bismark. He was so excited to read through it with my husband. The story went in depth to the men who gave their lives when the battleship was sunk and those who survived. The most riveting thing about the book was how...kind...how....honoroable...how...human...those men were. As I read it I felt sick. These men had families, they had lives they left behind, they fought with the same desire to protect the country they loved from the threats they were told existed. These men also did not know Hitler personally, nor did they have any idea about the concentration camps.

But fast forward to today and if you met a Nazi soldier would you not turn your face in horror? Does not the very word make you cringe?

All men are evil.

And this brings me to my concern. My son is hearing about war, sees our soldiers dressed in uniform and the praise given them and my question is...who do these men fight for? WHAT are they fighting for? Oh sure, we know what happened on Sept. 11, 2001, but everything since then has been a strange blur of information, misinformation, confusion, blame casting, lies...and it makes me wonder...how many of our wars are truly just?

"They are fighting for our freedom."

Which freedom?

Who is their leader? Is he honorable? Are his motives honorable? Who is he really? Who are we really? What are our leaders goals?

And, if he is not honorable, if his motives are not honorable, if his ambitions are not honorable...then what does that say about the lives of these men and women who are fighting for him, for his administration? Most of these men and women, even if we had a full blown Hitler situation going on, would not know it. They are given orders and they fulfill them to the best of their ability. They do it because it's their job, because they love their country, because they desire to keep us safe....

But what are we to believe as Christians? Whom do we serve? What is the meaning and purpose of our earthly life? To whom belongs glory and honor? Is it to the man who leaves behind his wife and children to care for themselves while he carries out the orders of a non Christian man in combat when he doesn't fully understand the true motives?

I don't know. I do not pretend to have the answers. But I am not afraid to ask the hard questions. And I am tired of being a robot that repeats things that everyone else repeats simply because it was drilled into me as a child. We have to think for ourselves with Holy Scripture and our Pastors as our guide. Because, my brothers and sisters in Christ, the darkness truly is deepening. Whom do we serve? To whom belongs the glory?

Mothers of the Church

They're easy to pick out. They sit with sweet smiles on their faces, perhaps a loving arm around their shoulder or sometimes none at all. Sometimes a tear is held shimmering and threatening to spill.

They are the mothers, not of children born to their flesh, but mothers still.

They hold our children when our arms are aching and they do it with such grace and tenderness. They teach Sunday school so we can sit for the one hour a week that we get to be the ones learning God's Word instead of teaching it or training during it. They look and smell like sweet spring flowers because that's what they are, a breath of fresh air to a Mama with many little children born from her flesh.

But today at church I couldn't think of how they have been a blessing to me, all I could think of was, "How can I be a blessing to them?" I have five living children, one in utero, but all I could think on was the ache of my empty arms as I bid farewell to 5 children the past year and it made my heart ache beyond words for my sisters who know that ache far worse.

Our church had a beautiful prayer for barren women in the prayers of the church, and, instead of focusing the sermon on "Mother's Day", my pastor delivered the most beautiful sermon on our Good Shepherd Jesus, and the way He cares for us so perfectly like no earthly mother could ever attain...and in the children's message the pastor handed out carnations to the little ones who came up to give to their Mamas in the pew. My heart cringed and crumpled within me as I glanced tentatively over my shoulder. Yes, there she is...and there she is....and there she is...oh sweet women, sweet mothers of our church...you deserve a whole bouquet of flowers!

I approached our senior pastor after church as he handed out flowers to ALL the women, even young single women, leaving our church. I said, "Oh Pastor, I'm so glad to see you giving flowers to ALL the women of our church who mother God's children in so many ways!" He looked somewhat guiltily at me while explaining we had too many left over since it was now the end of the second service. I said, "I wonder if next year we might order lots more? Perhaps after the service some of our little children could hand out flowers to all the women and thank them, all of them, for their love to our church?" He immediately went back to the altar guild ladies and told them of our new plans for next year.

Mothers of the church, you faithful women who serve and have always gone home to empty bedrooms and maybe an empty crib from a child gone home before you could hold him or her to the font, I prayed for you today. And I thought of you, thanked God for you, and you ARE mothers.

You are mothers when you remain steadfast in the faith you were baptized into because it is then that the little children in the pews around you SEE you in the pew and are encouraged by your presence and steadfastness. You are mothers when you kiss my kids cheeks, when you teach Sunday school, and when you smile at a little one flashing his chubby hands in a wave as he peeks up over the pew at you.

You are mothers simply by being faithful women in the church because that is who the church is, our mother, our blessed mother who comforts ALL of us. So even if you never teach Sunday School and the ways you serve and love are completely elsewhere, you are part of the body of Christ, part of His beloved church, and you are a blessed mother. Thank you. Thank you for your love, your service, and your example. I pray for you and am blessed to see you in the pews around me.

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What does this mean?-A Mother's Day post

I guess you could say that when Tom and I left Midland we had a mess of theories about how to raise children. We still have a mess of children, but no theories. Sure, 12 is still our number. It's the number of months my book was on the bestseller list. It's the number of job offers Tom turned down before we found one close to home. And each day it's the number of times I'm thankful there's such a thing as family. "Kate" -Cheaper by the Dozen


Mother. What does this mean? I once thought it meant making my children into what they needed to be. Kind. Generous. Believers in Christ. Joyful. Serving. Self controlled.

I could not have been more wrong. Oh and what a shame for the years I burdened myself with such an awful law which put me at war with my own children!


Here is why I was wrong:


I cannot MAKE my children into anything.


I cannot force-produce, or produce at all, fruits of the Spirit in my children.


I cannot create faith in my children.


I cannot keep my children from falling away from the faith.


No amount of perfection in me could ever make perfection in my children...especially when there's no amount of perfection in me and never will be on this side of heaven.


So what shall I do then? What does this mean?


It means I can commiserate.


It means I can ask forgiveness.


It means I can give rewards, blessings, treats...just because life IS hard, and I know this full well and I want you, my child, to know that I know it's hard and that somehow, together, we will press on.


It means neither you, my child, nor I, will ever be perfect here on earth so we will just have to muddle through as best we can, by the grace of God.


It means we can rejoice together when the sun shines and the good days come, and hold hands or cry together when the crosses are so hard.


It means I will make you go to church, as my father did to me, every single Sunday unless you can't get out of bed, because even though some days we both hate going because church is hard, a discipline rather than an emotional high, we know it is there that Christ comes to us, creates saving faith in us before we know to seek Him, indwells us with His Holy Word and His Body and Blood to sustain that faith and produce in us desires for the things of God, and fills us with His very Self. It is often the gifts that are the least flashy that are the ones we can't live without and that bring us the greatest help, love, and joy.


It means that I love you unconditionally, always and forever, bad days and good. It means I will fail. I will sin. I will yell. I will get angry. I will mess up big time....but I will always love you. I will always be here for you as long as the Lord gives me breath. And I would give my life for each one of you. To the children that have called me "Mom"..... and the ones that never got the chance.... I love you with my life.


Love, Mommy

Grace in parenting

This is a post that has probably been working itself out in my heart since...well, since my second son was born. I've come close to being able to put it into words before but have always failed. I'm not sure I'll be able to do it here tonight but I'm going to try, selfishly, more for my own benefit as I try to hash this out.

I want to spare details of why this came about mainly because it would take several posts in and of itself and it's too private but our second child had IMMENSE health struggles and challenges from the very beginning of his life. In fact, he had a rare cord abnormality that should have killed both of us during his pregnancy. The entire first 4 1/2 years of his life were a very hard blur. My third son came when my second was only 20 months old and in the middle of his terrible struggles which greatly impacted my ability to nurture him.

So fast forward to my second son being 6 and my third being 4 and everyone is healthy now. The health problems have been overcome...but the emotional scars of those awful and helpless years are still there...for me and the kids.

It causes me to worry, to stress, to overcompensate, to fear for my kids' salvation, for their happiness, and for our ability to be a strong and bonded family.

But...

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And there we have it. Grace. Peace. Healing. Forgiveness. Redemption. It is finished. Death is swallowed up by death. And Christ is Risen!

It is not just for us, it is for our children. And if we believe what we say about Baptism, namely, that in it the Holy Spirit indwells our children, grants them faith and the forgiveness of sins, then shall we let the devil taunt and mock us with sin, sickness, brokenness? 

No, we say, "yes devil, what of it? We are sick, broken, see death, but Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again!" 

So we, as parents, in the tiring and awfulness of a broken world, hold our children close and rejoice in complete forgiveness, grace, mercy, and faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, who loves our children and ourselves far more than we do. Will not He who died for us and in fact redeemed you through all your sins and falterings, will He not indeed keep your children and defend them against the devil, the world, and their sinful flesh and thus work out His good and gracious will in your children? 

Lord grant me faith in your love, perseverance in the good fight, wisdom in all I do as wife and mother, and grace for each and every moment. 

Come soon, Lord Jesus!

A time to rejoice

There is a lady at my church that has had some interaction with me and my kids away from church. I adore her, she has been a huge blessing to me and my kids. Earlier this week I was caught off guard when talking with her and she said something to the effect of, "It's good to see you smile!" At first I was annoyed. She has spent many hours with me and my children over the past 8 months, many fun and joy-filled days with lots of laughter. Why would she act like she hasn't seen me smile? But as I spent more time pondering what she said, I realized that there was a few month gap between those happier times in the fall and when she spent more time with us again shortly after my recent miscarriage in January. The couple of times she came after that miscarriage I was neck deep in OB appointments, expensive labs to make sure we were doing everything in our power to care for our unborn "neighbors", and trying to discern what we were to do next. I was angry, exhausted, confused, and heart broken.

Today, while commenting on my growing belly, she again said, "You just look SO good. Your color is good, you just look so happy!" I smiled and said, "Thanks, I AM happy."

But later after thinking on it yet some more I realized what I wish I had said both times.

Her: "It's so good to see you smile!"

Me: "Thank you, it feels good to smile again. I know it always makes us happier to see people smile but I also know that my time of mourning and sadness was good and valuable too because God brought me to it. What God ordains is always best."

I was pondering this a lot with Holy Week and, today, with Easter. Easter today is filled with so much joy and laughter for us, but for the disciples and the women, it was like some unbelievable conspiracy come to life! A missing dead body, a strange figure with clothes like lightening sitting on rolled away stone after his in-coming presence quaked the earth, people after their lives while they hid in locked rooms only to have Christ show Himself, feed them, then walk through a wall! I have to imagine amidst the insanity and fear there was a crazy elation and overwhelming joy at what they hoped was coming true before their very eyes.

But faith is not evidenced in emotions.  Mourning is good. Rejoicing is good. But faith is not evidenced in them, it is evidenced in Christ's Body and Blood, in Baptism, in God's Word. I have faith, therefore I go to where God promises to be. Worry about me if I cease to go to God's house, not if I cry or am in a time of mourning. Do not think I do not have peace, or joy, or life, or abundant blessings if I don't smile or if I cry or if I weep. Think I do not have all those things if I cease to be where God has given us Himself. 

I AM happy right now. God has called me out of my time of mourning into a time of rejoicing. The sun is shining and has filled my skin with a radiant (sunburned? ;) glow. My fingers are dirty from sewing new life into the soil both in flower and vegetable form. God has lifted me up from the pit and allowed me to enter back into a time of rejoicing, thanks be to God!

The Contrast of Wisdom and Folly [1] A good name is better than precious ointment, and the day of death than the day of birth. [2] It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting, for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart. [3] Sorrow is better than laughter, for by sadness of face the heart is made glad. [4] The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth. [5] It is better for a man to hear the rebuke of the wise than to hear the song of fools. [6] For as the crackling of thorns under a pot, so is the laughter of the fools; this also is vanity. [7] Surely oppression drives the wise into madness, and a bribe corrupts the heart. [8] Better is the end of a thing than its beginning, and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit. [13] Consider the work of God: who can make straight what he has made crooked? [14] In the day of prosperity be joyful, and in the day of adversity consider: God has made the one as well as the other, so that man may not find out anything that will be after him. (Ecclesiastes 7:1-14 ESV)

Good Friday

Tonight I attempted a nearly 2 hr long Good Friday service with an 8 yr old boy, a 6 yr old boy, a 4 yr old boy, and a 2 yr old boy....while nauseous. Do you want to know what it's like to do this?

I will try to show you:

It's 2 hours of:

Mom:

"Stand up" "Don't swing on the pew." "Fold your hands" "Whisper" "Don't pick your nose" "Don't swing on the pew" "Sit still" "Sit up" "Put your shoes back on" "It's not your turn to talk" "No singing right now please" "do NOT unbutton your shirt!" "don't swing on the pew" "no, you may not roll up the bulletin into a horn" "stop ticking your brother" "stop making faces at the people behind you" "don't swing on the pew" "do not sit on the hymnal" "do not stand on the hymnal" " stop beating on your bulletin with your pen" "stop stabbing the bulletin with your pen" "don't swing on the pew" "no pushing!" "it's pastor's turn to talk" REPEAT ENTIRE PARAGRAPH EVERY 5 MINUTES.

You would think I'm exaggerating. I assure you I am not. I'm not sure what got into my 4 and 2 yr olds tonight. It could be I let them sample a little too much frosting right before we left for church for the birthday cake for their brother, but even though they were a little more wound up tonight than usual, I found myself wanting to cry out for help from the Lord. I wanted to scream for mercy and help. On top of it my giant 4 yr old wanted to sit on my lap most of the service and I suddenly was so hot I thought I would faint but when I tried to put him down he started screaming his protest.

I assure you my children are disciplined. I love my boys dearly and our days are full of cuddles and Mama love and fun but I also run a tight ship and our long morning devotions give them ample practice for church. They KNOW how to behave. But...they are also 8, 6, 4, and 2. And they are children.

We made it up for communion, somehow, and then returned to our seats. My big man climbed back on my lap and I opened my hymnal while he balanced another on his (my) lap to support his color bulletin.  Though I am a well trained Lutheran, if I am completely honest, my soul was crying out, "Lord, how will I ever show You I love You, how will I ever earn Your love if I can't even think on You or meditate on Your Word or be moved in my thoughts during church because I'm so busy wrangling these monkeys?!" Oh, how I yearn to be able to truly think on my Lord during church!! Then I looked up. We have two pastors at our church and a team of elders that help distribute the Sacrament to a table that is really two tables long. It's a beautiful flow of parishioners filing in behind the table, stepping forward while the next group files in behind them to step forward as they leave and on and on. Well, I looked up and while "Stricken, Smitten, and Afflicted" played on the organ and parishioners on the table to the right were being fed, parishioners on the left were looking up at my husband-pastor as an elder held out a freshly refilled tray of the Elements for my husband to speak the Words of Institution over. The altar area where he did it was dimly lit and so much else was going on but in that moment my eyes filled with tears.

Oh how easy Jesus makes it for us! We ran out of communion and in just moments more was prepared. Such simple words that are spoken! How amazing that we humans muddle through, doing the best we can, which isn't much, but Jesus makes it so easy for us to receive Him.

Isn't it funny that of the entire Good Friday chief service, THAT is the moment that would make me cry? But it was so beautiful, so simple, and so completely God providing in such simple, quiet, and efficient way. Not many people probably even noticed we ran out or that Pastor had to pause momentarily to speak God's Word over more elements, but it happened and that's how God is. He saves us when we don't even notice, when we can't notice, when we can't take time to feel Him, and when we are drowning in the work of this world. He comes when no one notices, He dies when no one watches, and He rises, seeks us out, and saves us.

"What language shall I borrow to thank Thee, dearest Friend,
For this Thy dying sorrow, They pity without end?
O make me Thine forever!
And should I fainting be,
Lord, let me never, never,
 Outlive my love for Thee."
O Sacred Head, Now Wounded LSB #450, vs 5

Beauty

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"You cast your sins from yourself and onto Christ when you firmly believe that His wounds and sufferings are your sins, to be borne and paid for by Him, as we read in Isaiah 53:6, "The Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all." St. Peter says, "in His body has He borne our sins on the wood of the cross" [1Pet. 2:24]. St. Paul says, "God has made Him a sinner for us, so that through Him we would be made just" [ 11 Cor. 5:21]. You must stake everything on these and similar verses. The more your conscience torments you, the more tenaciously must you cling to them. If you do not do that, but presume to still your conscience with your contrition and penance, you will never obtain peace of mind, but will have to despair in the end. If we allow sin to remain in our conscience and try to deal with it there, or if we look at sin in our heart, it will be much too strong for us and will live on forever. But if we behold it resting on Christ and [see it] overcome by His resurrection, and then boldly believe this, even it is dead and nullified. Sin cannot remain on Christ, since it is swallowed up by His resurrection." -Martin Luther


I read this writing with my children in yesterday's Treasury of Daily Prayer church father writing. I had to read it again and again. Never have I heard the true purpose of contrition and repentance explained so beautifully, so perfect. I've always struggled with confession and contrition. I've always wanted to rake myself over the coals as much as possible but then always come up knowing no good has been done. At times I've thought God cruel to leave us in such a state where we can not only not overcome sin but have to be face to face with its wretchedness every. single. day.

Read this part again:

"If we allow sin to remain in our conscience and try to deal with it there, or if we look at sin in our heart, it will be much too strong for us and will live on forever. But if we behold it resting on Christ and [see it] overcome by His resurrection, and then boldly believe this, even it is dead and nullified. Sin cannot remain on Christ, since it is swallowed up by His resurrection."

Now contrition is sweet, is it not? Now it is beautiful. Now it is purposeful. Oh what a precious gift! We must continue to repent, to be immersed in contrition, over and over but only so that we can look from the depravity of our sins, the utter helplessness they leave us in and then look to the cross where we can see sin swallowed up forever. The moment we cease to drown ourselves in contrition and repentance is the moment we cease to see our need for Christ. So we repent and then we look to the cross where:

"Behold, He is making all things new!" Revelations 21:5

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Why I don't like going to church.

There are many great things about being a confessional Lutheran. One of them is that I can say I do not like going to church. I can say this in a group of confessional Lutheran moms and they will nod their agreement and give me a hug. What? Have we gone mad? Who admits to NOT LIKING church?! Who says that out loud that isn't a hater of God?

I do.

Here is what makes Lutheranism, confessional Lutheranism different from any other denomination in the world:

Jesus Christ came into the world to redeem sinners, of whom I am the worst, and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing. Let me say that one more time: THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. No, seriously, NOTHING.

Happy sigh. (It's so nice to get that out in the open.)

Jesus IS. He WAS. HE WILL BE FOREVER AND EVER.

So what is church like for a confessional Lutheran? Church starts with death. When our pastors come into the front of the church via the side door they immediately leave the chancel (altar area) and go down through the communion rail into the nave where the congregation members sit. This gives us a visual of Old Testament times when no one but the priest offering the sacrifice could go into the Holy of Holies. Why couldn't anyone go? Because an acceptable sacrifice for the sins of the world had not yet been given. God's presence caused death and wrath for us fallen wicked creatures. So the pastors join us in our state of being dead in our trespasses and sins and lead us in confession of sins.

We confess that we are by nature sinful and unclean. We have sinned in thought, word, and deed: by what we have done, and by what we have left undone. We have not loved God with our whole hearts. We have not loved our neighbors as ourselves. We justly deserve God's present and eternal punishment. We beg God for the sake of His Son, Jesus Christ, to have mercy on us, to forgive us, renew us, and lead us so that we may delight in His will and walk in His ways to the glory of His Holy Name.

Church starts with death. It starts with deep inner groanings that we are not enough, that we can never be enough, and that we will surely die unless God saves us. It has to start this way, because if it does not, we are left in the law, damned.

And then the Pastors, in the stead and by the command of our Lord Jesus Christ, pronounce God's forgiveness "I forgive you all your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen!"

And then, forgiven, we have the Word of God pounded into our flesh. The entire service is a beautiful flow between the pastors and the congregation members of God's Word, spoken and sung, back and forth, back and forth. The entire service is printed out, word for word, in our hymnals with the chapters and verses from where every single word comes from in the Scriptures. The service has to be this way, because it is only God's Word that gives life, and only God's Word that is capable of producing in us the fruits of the Spirit.

 With the use of such ancient instruments as the organ, strings, etc, we set a tone of reverence and separation from the world and it's contemporary pop music, clinging to something that does not delight the flesh but instead speaks God's Word into our sin-sick souls.

It is not fun. It is not enjoyable. It is not glorifying of me or my flesh. It does not build up my self esteem or make me feel pretty. Instead it disciplines me, drowns me, indwells me with Christ and once my ears have been filled with His living and active Word, He takes it further and gives me His very Self, into the doorposts of my mouth. Where once men had to sacrifice lambs to mark their doorposts from death in the passover, God now marks me as His with HIS very blood offered in His sacrifice on the cross. He fills me with His Sacrifice, so that I become one with Him in His death AND HIS RESURRECTION.

Most Sundays when I leave church I am exhausted. I usually can't make it through church without crying these days. They aren't happy emotional tears, they are tears that beg and plead, "Come soon Lord! Please come soon!"

I don't like church because it does not make me feel happy or beautiful or glorified. It does not make me feel like I can earn my salvation, God's love, or that church is somehow about me and how great I am because I wave my arms and sing happy songs to God. NO. Instead church makes me want to lie prostrate on the ground and die, because that is all that is left when I see who God is, and who I am...death.

But....

See: He Comes, righteous and having Salvation. And though we sit confused and grieving, He comes, He takes us as His own, into His arms, into His embrace, into His loving adoration and we have Life.

Lord Thee I love with all my heart,
I pray thee ne'er from me depart,
With tender mercy cheer me.
Earth has no pleasure I would share,
Yea, heaven itself were void and bare if Thou Lord wert not near me.
And should my heart for sorrow break, my trust in Thee can nothing shake, Thou art the Portion I have sought, Thy precious blood my soul has bought.
Lord, Jesus Christ, my God and Lord, my God and Lord, forsake me not! I trust Thy Word.

Lord Thee I love with All my Heart: Martin Schalling. 1532-1608

Come what may

God's Everlasting Love

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can beagainst us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,

“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;

we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:31-39, ESV)

I've been working on this post for a long time. I've even deleted a finished copy in absolute frustration...twice. But it wont's stop eating at me. So here I am.

My parents separated when I was a baby, 1 1/2, and divorced when I was 3. When I was an adult I once saw a home video that was taped on Christmas morning sometime during their separation. In the video my Dad announced after we had finished opening presents that it was time to go to Mommy's house. I spontaneously burst into tears squalling that I did not want to go to Mommy's. When I saw it I felt sick and desperate to reach out to that little girl, take her in my arms, and comfort her. It wasn't that she didn't want her Mommy, it was that while her parents were trying to figure out their adult lives, probably thinking their kids were too little to really be affected, this little girl was in a broken home with either no Mama or no Daddy depending where she was. Now that I have a whole family in which my husband and I are completely devoted to each other and our children, the thought of my kids going through that makes me sick.

I was lucky though. Even though my childhood was very rocky at times and sin often abounded in very public ways in the early years for my parents and step parents, my Dad and my Mom both stayed in the picture for the most part. They both loved me and my sisters. But from the rocky start I developed a deep seated fear of lack of control and lack of stability and of being alone, especially at night.

Last week I had the opportunity to face this fear head on when my husband left for the entire week to go to the seminary for his doctorate classes. Normally when I know he's going out of town the kids and I pack up and go visit friends or we have friends or family come stay with us. But this time, even though I had 3 offers, I turned them all down.

I'm feeling a lot less scared these days. Actually, in place of fear is a certain anger...cynicism...and stubbornness. 

But when you've been attacked in your own body and home by sin, well, it has a way of bringing out the Mama bear in you. 

I'll spare you the gory details but a couple months ago my worst nightmare came true. I was home alone with the kids when someone tried to kick down our front door. I handled it in rockstar fashion if I do say so myself. 

That incident, combined with having your own body turn against you and fail you and deliver six babies, dead, has a way of making you want to lace up your gloves against sin and its minions. 

Last week, after two days in temps so frigid that schools were cancelled, the kids and I had to get out. It was a gorgeous sunny day even if the temps were still unbearably cold so we warmed up the van and headed towards the lake. For the next hour we got lost in the city and by the lake taking beautiful wintery pictures with the sun shimmering on everything it touched. The kids stayed warm and toasty in the car while Mama stood on the edge of steep drop offs to get awesome pictures of the lake below. While I was walking around taking the pics at the deserted lakeshore my mind began to wander. I thought about fear, about isolation, about brokenness, about death. And I thought about heaven. And Jesus. And love. And suddenly I thought about a couple of Bible passages:

For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” (Romans 8:15, ESV)

for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.(2 Timothy 1:7, ESV)

I highly recommend you look them both up and read all the surrounding verses, such beautiful passages, but at the time when I thought of these verses I wanted to shout out "YEA!" Because it's so true! (ha!) This earth, and everything in it, is the very handiwork of God. It is HIS. And WE are HIS. Which means this earth is ours. It is ours in Christ. And in Christ we are more than conquerers. 

Last year the second Hunger Games movie came out. I enjoyed the books tremendously. What I liked was the ending of the trilogy. I loved that it ended so real with Katniss broken and washed up like a soldier no one remembers once he's home from war. I liked that her character was powerful and yet a mess. But now I'm reading the Divergent series and I love it even more than Hunger Games. Cynical, yes. Dark, yes. But anyone who doesn't see that this world is indeed darkening each and every day as we head to the eschaton is fooling themselves. 

And so there's a certain comfort in cynicism. A defense mechanism if you will. But I don't think that's such a bad thing. Because cynicism, by definition, is fact. The devil prowls around tearing creation to shreds right in front of our faces and in our own homes and bodies. And we have to stay and endure it. And it SHOULD make us angry, cynical even, to have to watch it all as we groan as a woman in labor for our release. 

But in the end cynicism cannot rule us or it can turn to pride, arrogance, and even hate. Instead we strengthen our weak knees and fight through as best we can, but in and before and behind us always is Christ. 

At least a few times a month I marvel at the Divine Service: at how whole it is. And yesterday, while in that service, while receiving Christ's Body and Blood and thinking on the beauty of Worship being about what Christ does FOR ME, it occurred to me that the Divine Service is like a Bride and Groom's honeymoon. Christ, The Groom, comes to His bride, the Church, and He makes Himself one with Her. In the most intimate of ways, He gives Himself into her body, and they become one flesh. There is nothing more sacred, more Holy, more precious, and more complete than that. 

And so we are strengthened. We are forgiven. And we go out to love, to serve, and to put off fear. Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again.

Despised

Do you ever feel like you've turned into a cynical, depressed, and angry version of yourself? Because 4 kids in less than 6 years and 9 moves kind of has a way of bringing out exhaustion. And then you get even angrier because of course it's not exactly popular nowadays to be angry or depressed.

Over the past year I spent a lot of time pondering the many verses in Scripture that talk about Christ being despised. Here are some that come to mind:

For he grew up before him like a young plant,

and like a root out of dry ground;

he had no form or majesty that we should look at him,

and no beauty that we should desire him. He was despised and rejected by men;

a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief;

and as one from whom men hide their faces

he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

Surely he has borne our griefs

and carried our sorrows;

yet we esteemed him stricken,

smitten by God, and afflicted.

But he was pierced for our transgressions;

he was crushed for our iniquities;

upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,

and with his wounds we are healed.

All we like sheep have gone astray;

we have turned—every one—to his own way;

and the Lord has laid on him

the iniquity of us all. (Isaiah 53:2-6, ESV)

"The true light, which gives light to everyone, was coming into the world. He was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world did not know him. He came to his own, and his own people did not receive him. But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.

And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth."(John 1:9-14, ESV)

The despisal is not just for Christ, but for His followers as well. We see it happening in explicit ways in foreign countries where Christians are martyred but we also see it happening right here in our own country. We see it when rights to free speech are taken away and jobs are lost, even temporarily, due to peaching Christ. We see it when small business owners are forced to do things against their will and beliefs, like a wedding cake shop owner being forced to make wedding cakes for homosexual couples, or face punishment. We see it when we are labeled as discriminating and unloving or even hateful for confessing that ungodly living is unacceptable.

But this doesn't surprise us. Sometimes it sneaks up on us and threatens to cause us despair, but we knew all along it would be like this.

But in my own little corner of the world it hits in a way I didn't expect.

Some Christians prefer the "be happy all the time, they will know we are Christians by "our love"" tactic. They say if you are filled with the love of Christ you will speak positively all the time and FEEL positively. They are quick to chastise their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ for not being welcoming enough, loving enough, or smiling enough. They say if we are loving people and Christ enough that not only will our churches grow but our own pocket books and personal success will as well. This is called the "Theology of Glory". Some Theology of Glory pioneers are names like Rick Warren and Beth Moore. Basically, the theology of glory is a way of looking at not only faith but life as well. Rather than looking at pain and suffering square on and acknowledging it, they prefer to overcome it, deny it, or gloss over it. They see the cross as necessary but insofar as it is a means to an end of pain and death and they can get on with their lives of good works and happiness.

And then there's the sour-pusses like me. We love by dragging ourselves to the Means of Grace: by being baptized, by baptizing our infants, by catechizing our children and by receiving the Lord's Supper. The Law is seemingly in abundance in our lives because we know it is through the Law that we are brought to repentance, humility, and ultimately to Absolution, that is, forgiveness, and the ability to be prodded on by the Holy Spirit to holy living and service to others so that we can continue to see our sin and repent. We look at the law because it acknowledges what we already feel and see:  brokenness, inability, hurt, and defeat. And once we see this there is only Jesus left. In other Words, it is not glorious, it is not pretty, and...it has "no form or majesty that we should look at Him, no beauty that we should desire Him" but He is our very salvation and hope.

The ironic thing about theology of glory and theology of the cross is that the theology of glory wears a costume depicting itself as the theology of the cross. In other words, the theology of glory wears the costume of grace and love when in reality all it offers is law and brokenness which is what followers of the theology of glory claim the theology of the cross is all about. Let's go to a visual now: Here is a visual of a word cloud made from a free online sermon by Rick Warren:

Some of the words that stand out for the above word cloud are: God (what God?), want, just, feelings, burnout, going, focus, start, today, like, everything, make, work, control, get, know, and responsible.

And here is a word cloud made from a free online sermon from a confessional LCMS Pastor:

 Some of the words that stand out from this word cloud are: Christ, Kingdom, Holy, humility, Son, Cleansed, Father, Angels, Jesus, Brothers, Father, Communion, Pray, Given, Faith, Rejoice, Watch, Belong, and Dependent.

The first is full of verbs (action words): want, go, focus, start, like, work, control, make, get, and know.

The second is full of nouns (person, place, or thing) and adjectives (descriptive words): All of the above. There are only three verbs that stand out: Rejoice, Pray, and Watch. NOT: go, do, be, and on and on.

You don't have to go, do, be because Christ IS. In other words, the theology of the cross happens TO US and IN SPITE OF US. It drags us kicking and screaming through the muck and hell of this life, through our tears, our death, our illness, our brokenness, and brings us to the font, to the altar, and to the pew where our heart and ears are in-dwelt with God through His living Word.

Then Moses said to God, “If I come to the people of Israel and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ what shall I say to them?” God said to Moses, “I am who I am.” And he said, “Say this to the people of Israel, ‘I am has sent me to you.’” God also said to Moses, “Say this to the people of Israel, ‘The Lord, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, has sent me to you.’ This is my name forever, and thus I am to be remembered throughout all generations. (Exodus 3:13-15, ESV)

There are some that will despise you. They profess to be Christians but theology of glory spews from their mouths at every turn. When I have suffered this past year some of them have offered their token, but very hands off, bid of sympathy but then they were as far away and unreachable as possible. When I faced my grief head on by giving birth to my dead baby instead of having the baby sucked out of me and disposed of, they ignored me. When I took pictures of that tiny body, so fearfully and wonderfully made, they looked away. And when my husband and I gave our babies a Christian burial complete with head stones to mark their graves, they scoffed. One went so far as to mock me for "dwelling" on my loss rather than "rejoicing and moving on".

For a year now I have hidden myself in embarrassment, wondering if they were right and if something was wrong with me. I have tried to pull myself together to converse with them as a happy, cheerful person only to find myself wanting to shout and scream when they don't even so much as mention my tears and loss.

But in brokenness Christ comes with healing. For He Himself was "A man of sorrows, acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces He was despised." 

Create in me a clean heart, O God,

and renew a right spirit within me.

Cast me not away from your presence,

and take not your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation,

and uphold me with a willing spirit.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways,

and sinners will return to you.

Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,

O God of my salvation,

and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.

O Lord, open my lips,

and my mouth will declare your praise.

For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;

you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;

a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. (Psalm 51:10-17, ESV) (emphasis mine)