It's been almost three weeks since my husband announced to our church that we are leaving them. Perhaps that sounds like a negative way of talking about accepting a new call but it is the truth. I did not want to go to church the day of his announcement. I felt sick over it and I couldn't bear to be sitting there with eyes on me while he made it. But I knew I couldn't leave my husband without family support that day so I prayed, earnestly, that the Lord would help.
When I arrived at church it was easy at first. He wasn't supposed to be making his announcement for another week yet so no one knew he was making it. My heart pounded in my chest. Lord, are we insane?! It must be something like standing at the door of an airplane right before a sky diver jumps. We have to be mad. I gathered my boys and we walked though the narthex when suddenly I realized someone was in our pew! Bother. Any good Lutheran knows a pew is sacred space, now we would be sitting somewhere awkward on such a big day. My eyes darted trying to figure out where to sit when I realized there was something familiar about the heads in our pew. The couple stood up and turned around and I gasped, it was my husband's aunt and uncle! Words can't convey how my heart swelled. I absolutely adore these two people, from the moment I joined the family they have shown me such warmth and unconditional love. I asked them how they knew and what they were doing here (they live over an hour away and a visit was not planned) and her eyes teared up and she said, "We didn't, he just told us what is happening today, we were in town yesterday for business and stayed the night and decided to come to church here this morning." I hugged her.
We took our seats and before I could think my husband was coming out and stepping down amidst the congregation. I swore I wouldn't cry but my eyes began to sting hot. His voice took on a shaky edge as he made a few other announcements and I saw some eyes look curiously at me wondering why he seemed that way. Then he took a deep breath and said he had another big announcement to make. Every eye locked on him and I saw people stiffen. I don't remember the words he said, it all just blurred at that point, but as my aunt put her arm around me and began silently crying, it was all I could do to not fall apart as the tears streamed down my face. To say there was an audible gasp when he announced he had actually accepted a call across the world would be an understatement. How could a pastor with 5 young children leave a booming, proud LCMS church that boasts a 4K-8 school with a waiting list a mile long? How could he go to perils unknown and sell everything he owns? How could he leave family and friends and the ability to communicate and go to a place where he will not only start over with relationships but even in the ability to speak? Members began streaming out of the church into the restrooms and hallways to cry and console each other. I wished then that the announcements were after church instead of before. But as he closed his announcement he said that now we would draw near to the Lord for comfort as He gives us Himself in His Word and Sacraments and draws us, as always, to the entire church around the world and the church triumphant.
It's been three weeks since that day. But it feels like an eternity. I once read a book titled "The Reluctant Companion" about a pastor's wife who ended up a missionary's wife when her husband's first call out of seminary was overseas to Africa. To say I'm reluctant at this point sounds like a paradox. Didn't we agree to this? Didn't we pray about it for months? Yes. But it's quite a different thing to dream about adventures afar and then to wake up and realize it's no longer a dream. We are committed. There is no turning back. For months we romanticized and talked to our families feeling quite proud of what WE were willing to do to serve the church and then we woke up on the other side of his announcement and realized how very weak we are. It is the Lord who will do this, not us. This is our comfort. And so every day we wake up to our new reality and try to find the strength to begin the months of preparation for deployment.
Last night as we prepared for bed, my husband read a sermon aloud from Reverend David Petersen's Advent and Christmas sermons. Anyone who is familiar with Pr. Petersen's sermons knows the powerful preacher he is. The law in his sermons strikes hard and swift like a hard slap on the face, but his Gospel rains over like a torrential warm spring downpour. Last night I was shocked to hear Gospel from beginning to end. I know there was law because Pr. Petersen does not preach sermons without law (for it is the law that shows us our need for a Savior), but the Gospel was so strong and so comforting, and perhaps I needed it so badly, that I soaked in its glory from beginning to end. He spoke on love, on God's plan of salvation from the garden through the incarnation, and God's intimate way He draws us, not as a God that forces Himself on us and forces adoration, but as a God that so desires us to delight in Him that He draws us tenderly, affectionately, as a groom draws his new bride tenderly to himself.
My husband and I spoke in hushed voices. God has most assuredly drawn us to this, and where He draws, He loves: tenderly, completely. Christ is bigger than all of this and His love for our current church far exceeds our love for them. He will show us how deeply He loves when He continues to provide for them during this very unexpected departure and when He continues to provide for us during this curveball we never, ever, expected. My husband and I laughed last night about how we don't even like to try new restaurants. Or really go to new places. We prefer to vacation by visiting our families. But God's calls rarely make human sense. What matters is that God has called, and where He calls, He equips. May He equip us to this service with love and humility.
Showing posts with label Books. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Books. Show all posts
Saturday, December 26, 2015
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
The only thing
“May the peace of God be with you," she says, her voice low, "even in the midst of trouble."
"Why would it?" I say softly, so no one else can hear. "After all I've done..."
"It isn't about you," she says. "It is a gift. You cannot earn it, or it ceases to be a gift.”
― Veronica Roth, Insurgent
At first glance this quote, from the second book of the Divergent series, seems simple enough. But in order to realize that it isn't you have to know the character who questions God's love. Tris, a young girl of 16, is a pro at trapping herself inside her own emotions and assuming that the world plays out accordingly.
There are many emotions that come when you have to step away and realize that God is not controlled by your emotions or your intentions or your desires. He is not a product of those things; He is not encouraged by them. He is not threatened by them. He is not defined by them. He is above them and before them.
You cannot control God. You cannot get what you want from Him by wanting it bad enough or crying for it enough or being broken enough. You cannot mimic people of the Scriptures and assume that the reason things played out for them the way they did is because of their actions or lack thereof.
The only thing you can do, THE ONLY THING, is die completely to yourself and then trust. And the only way these two things will happen is by the grace and mercy of God, of His own accord.
But the good news is, this God man, the one who is not motivated or controlled by your emotions or desires, well, He is the one who did this:
"Why would it?" I say softly, so no one else can hear. "After all I've done..."
"It isn't about you," she says. "It is a gift. You cannot earn it, or it ceases to be a gift.”
― Veronica Roth, Insurgent
At first glance this quote, from the second book of the Divergent series, seems simple enough. But in order to realize that it isn't you have to know the character who questions God's love. Tris, a young girl of 16, is a pro at trapping herself inside her own emotions and assuming that the world plays out accordingly.
There are many emotions that come when you have to step away and realize that God is not controlled by your emotions or your intentions or your desires. He is not a product of those things; He is not encouraged by them. He is not threatened by them. He is not defined by them. He is above them and before them.
You cannot control God. You cannot get what you want from Him by wanting it bad enough or crying for it enough or being broken enough. You cannot mimic people of the Scriptures and assume that the reason things played out for them the way they did is because of their actions or lack thereof.
The only thing you can do, THE ONLY THING, is die completely to yourself and then trust. And the only way these two things will happen is by the grace and mercy of God, of His own accord.
But the good news is, this God man, the one who is not motivated or controlled by your emotions or desires, well, He is the one who did this:
And He loves you with an everlasting love. Always. Always and forever. And though we flail like pathetic helpless children, still He loves us and somehow He saves us from ourselves.
Monday, February 3, 2014
Come what may
God's Everlasting Love
What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can beagainst us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:31-39, ESV)
I've been working on this post for a long time. I've even deleted a finished copy in absolute frustration...twice. But it wont's stop eating at me. So here I am.
My parents separated when I was a baby, 1 1/2, and divorced when I was 3. When I was an adult I once saw a home video that was taped on Christmas morning sometime during their separation. In the video my Dad announced after we had finished opening presents that it was time to go to Mommy's house. I spontaneously burst into tears squalling that I did not want to go to Mommy's. When I saw it I felt sick and desperate to reach out to that little girl, take her in my arms, and comfort her. It wasn't that she didn't want her Mommy, it was that while her parents were trying to figure out their adult lives, probably thinking their kids were too little to really be affected, this little girl was in a broken home with either no Mama or no Daddy depending where she was. Now that I have a whole family in which my husband and I are completely devoted to each other and our children, the thought of my kids going through that makes me sick.
I was lucky though. Even though my childhood was very rocky at times and sin often abounded in very public ways in the early years for my parents and step parents, my Dad and my Mom both stayed in the picture for the most part. They both loved me and my sisters. But from the rocky start I developed a deep seated fear of lack of control and lack of stability and of being alone, especially at night.
Last week I had the opportunity to face this fear head on when my husband left for the entire week to go to the seminary for his doctorate classes. Normally when I know he's going out of town the kids and I pack up and go visit friends or we have friends or family come stay with us. But this time, even though I had 3 offers, I turned them all down.
I'm feeling a lot less scared these days. Actually, in place of fear is a certain anger...cynicism...and stubbornness.
But when you've been attacked in your own body and home by sin, well, it has a way of bringing out the Mama bear in you.
I'll spare you the gory details but a couple months ago my worst nightmare came true. I was home alone with the kids when someone tried to kick down our front door. I handled it in rockstar fashion if I do say so myself.
That incident, combined with having your own body turn against you and fail you and deliver six babies, dead, has a way of making you want to lace up your gloves against sin and its minions.
Last week, after two days in temps so frigid that schools were cancelled, the kids and I had to get out. It was a gorgeous sunny day even if the temps were still unbearably cold so we warmed up the van and headed towards the lake. For the next hour we got lost in the city and by the lake taking beautiful wintery pictures with the sun shimmering on everything it touched. The kids stayed warm and toasty in the car while Mama stood on the edge of steep drop offs to get awesome pictures of the lake below. While I was walking around taking the pics at the deserted lakeshore my mind began to wander. I thought about fear, about isolation, about brokenness, about death. And I thought about heaven. And Jesus. And love. And suddenly I thought about a couple of Bible passages:
For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” (Romans 8:15, ESV)
for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.(2 Timothy 1:7, ESV)
I highly recommend you look them both up and read all the surrounding verses, such beautiful passages, but at the time when I thought of these verses I wanted to shout out "YEA!" Because it's so true! (ha!) This earth, and everything in it, is the very handiwork of God. It is HIS. And WE are HIS. Which means this earth is ours. It is ours in Christ. And in Christ we are more than conquerers.
Last year the second Hunger Games movie came out. I enjoyed the books tremendously. What I liked was the ending of the trilogy. I loved that it ended so real with Katniss broken and washed up like a soldier no one remembers once he's home from war. I liked that her character was powerful and yet a mess. But now I'm reading the Divergent series and I love it even more than Hunger Games. Cynical, yes. Dark, yes. But anyone who doesn't see that this world is indeed darkening each and every day as we head to the eschaton is fooling themselves.
And so there's a certain comfort in cynicism. A defense mechanism if you will. But I don't think that's such a bad thing. Because cynicism, by definition, is fact. The devil prowls around tearing creation to shreds right in front of our faces and in our own homes and bodies. And we have to stay and endure it. And it SHOULD make us angry, cynical even, to have to watch it all as we groan as a woman in labor for our release.
But in the end cynicism cannot rule us or it can turn to pride, arrogance, and even hate. Instead we strengthen our weak knees and fight through as best we can, but in and before and behind us always is Christ.
At least a few times a month I marvel at the Divine Service: at how whole it is. And yesterday, while in that service, while receiving Christ's Body and Blood and thinking on the beauty of Worship being about what Christ does FOR ME, it occurred to me that the Divine Service is like a Bride and Groom's honeymoon. Christ, The Groom, comes to His bride, the Church, and He makes Himself one with Her. In the most intimate of ways, He gives Himself into her body, and they become one flesh. There is nothing more sacred, more Holy, more precious, and more complete than that.
And so we are strengthened. We are forgiven. And we go out to love, to serve, and to put off fear. Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
If salt loses its saltiness.
When my Dad died I read C.S. Lewis' "A Grief Observed". I was only 17 and he wrote it about the loss of his wife. But that book was exactly what I needed. It's funny because now I don't remember anything about the book...except one thing.
I remember feeling like something was wrong with me after my dad's plane smashed into the ground into a million pieces because everything...everything felt different, not just the areas of my life he was involved in directly. And then I read the part in Lewis' book in which he compared the loss of his wife to having salt suddenly taken from his diet. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but everything was different and nothing was right.
It's how I felt when my Dad, protector, and sole legal guardian was gone and it's how I feel now.
How is it that someone so tiny and not even born yet can so drastically change my entire life? No, really. I'm not just talking emotionally. My entire life has been thrown on a completely new course. And I feel her absence in a very profound way.
Normally the further I get into a pregnancy the more I stick close to home. I don't like to be out and about much, I don't like to travel at all, and I'm not nearly as social.
But when I'm not pregnant (esp. now that I don't have a little baby anymore and my youngest is close to weaning) and I've lost my pregnancy weight I have energy, I'm social, I love to travel, and I like to find things to do, organize, manage, become more efficient with, etc etc. I'm going places I wouldn't, meeting people I wouldn't, doing things I wouldn't, making connections I wouldn't...everything has changed due to this tiny little person.
Suddenly I'm in efficient mode when I would be nesting. I'm being social when I would be turning in. I'm traveling when I wouldn't be as eager to.
And every second of the way I am aware of why.
It doesn't make me mourn the way it did at first. I can officially say my mourning has changed drastically since the day she was born. When you have someone as close as your Daddy go to heaven that suddenly and tragically, well, heaven feels very very real...and, familiar. Heaven feels like home. I once told one of my friends from my home church, shortly after my dad died, that it felt like I was walking around with one foot in heaven and one on earth. I feel that way even more now. In a good way.
I am learning to rejoice in this time. Of course I will always wish Anastasia was with me. But she is not and the Lord is working His good in all situations. I am feeling stronger than I did physically when I first became pregnant with her. I still felt not quite over my pregnancy with my 4th born when I conceived but now I'm feeling much stronger. And I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, life doesn't stop because you want it to and I have a vocation to continue with. And I am so so so very thankful that I do...that God has made me who He made me and that I have the amazing husband and 4 little boys that I do. I am so very thankful.
I remember feeling like something was wrong with me after my dad's plane smashed into the ground into a million pieces because everything...everything felt different, not just the areas of my life he was involved in directly. And then I read the part in Lewis' book in which he compared the loss of his wife to having salt suddenly taken from his diet. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but everything was different and nothing was right.
It's how I felt when my Dad, protector, and sole legal guardian was gone and it's how I feel now.
How is it that someone so tiny and not even born yet can so drastically change my entire life? No, really. I'm not just talking emotionally. My entire life has been thrown on a completely new course. And I feel her absence in a very profound way.
Normally the further I get into a pregnancy the more I stick close to home. I don't like to be out and about much, I don't like to travel at all, and I'm not nearly as social.
But when I'm not pregnant (esp. now that I don't have a little baby anymore and my youngest is close to weaning) and I've lost my pregnancy weight I have energy, I'm social, I love to travel, and I like to find things to do, organize, manage, become more efficient with, etc etc. I'm going places I wouldn't, meeting people I wouldn't, doing things I wouldn't, making connections I wouldn't...everything has changed due to this tiny little person.
Suddenly I'm in efficient mode when I would be nesting. I'm being social when I would be turning in. I'm traveling when I wouldn't be as eager to.
And every second of the way I am aware of why.
It doesn't make me mourn the way it did at first. I can officially say my mourning has changed drastically since the day she was born. When you have someone as close as your Daddy go to heaven that suddenly and tragically, well, heaven feels very very real...and, familiar. Heaven feels like home. I once told one of my friends from my home church, shortly after my dad died, that it felt like I was walking around with one foot in heaven and one on earth. I feel that way even more now. In a good way.
I am learning to rejoice in this time. Of course I will always wish Anastasia was with me. But she is not and the Lord is working His good in all situations. I am feeling stronger than I did physically when I first became pregnant with her. I still felt not quite over my pregnancy with my 4th born when I conceived but now I'm feeling much stronger. And I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, life doesn't stop because you want it to and I have a vocation to continue with. And I am so so so very thankful that I do...that God has made me who He made me and that I have the amazing husband and 4 little boys that I do. I am so very thankful.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Book Recommended
Several months ago, before I conceived Anastasia, I read a wonderful book. I did not read it because its topic is barrenness. Actually I read it because I knew, from reading the blog, that Katie Schuermann is talking about so much more than barrenness and there was some comfort I desperately needed. I got way more than I bargained for. Her book not only moved me to some serious repentance/confession that needed to happen, but washed me anew in grace. It was like she came into my living room as a dear sister in Christ to do exactly what sisters in Christ are supposed to do for each other. I am eternally grateful.
Today, however, I found myself thinking about Katie's words again as I lingered in Goodwill, alone, for an entire hour and a half! Actually I thought about her book the entire time. And now her book has taken on a whole new meaning for me and I want to share the excerpts I was thinking about.
"There is no denying the fact that one of the purposes of marriage is procreation. God tells us in His Word that He loves life and wants children to be the blessed fruit of the one-flesh union between spouses. It is not surprising, then, that a barren woman may feel guilty when her womb does not produce such God-pleasing fruit. That is why it is so important for us to remember that having children is not a law of God for us to keep but a heritage from Him for us to receive. It is not that we are unwilling to have children but that we are unable to have children." (89-90)
A page later,
"Explore the lighter side of barrenness. (Yes, you read that correctly.) Recognize that your family life is going to look and feel very different rom that of other married couples who have cihldren. Rather than coveting that which you have not been given, celebrate that which you have. You and your husband enjoy a special freedom of schedule and resources that many parents would trade their minivan for in a heartbeat. Spend some of that money you have saved on a second honeymoon." (91)
The book is called, "He Remembers the Barren" and the author is Katie Schuermann. I love the cover:
But the reason I was thinking about it so much is, this is the first time (since my first in which he was 19 months before I conceived) I have passed my youngest child's first birthday and been at the 15 month mark without being in maternity clothes and beginning to plan moving beds, car seats, rooms, preparing the co-sleeper, baby laundry, and figuring out how to do everything from home school to Sunday morning church routine, etc with yet another child. I know this sounds crazy to some but suddenly I feel confused as to how to spend my time!! I'm not pregnant! I am not 6 months away from starting our family over again with an entire new child. My baby isn't a baby anymore but is running and playing. And there's not another baby to take the baby place before he turns 2. What will I do with all this time?
I know, it sounds crazy. The Lord could very well bless us again and soon if He chooses. But even so the baby would not be here until after my youngest turns 2! Weird. And maybe He won't bless us at all for quite some time....or ever.
So I went to Goodwill and bought myself a cart full of new shirts. I cleaned out my closet, got rid of all the shirts that are too big now because I was in my early pregnancy larger-but-not-yet-maternity shirts. Well, I packed them up and put them in the basement. I filled my closet with my new small shirts. I haven't taken my prenatal vitamins all week. I've taken them every day for the past 8 years because for the past 8 years I've been pregnant and/or nursing. But I decided to take a break for a few days. I know it sounds silly, but I just didn't feel like it.
A couple nights ago I brewed some tea, filled the tub, lit a candle, cooled the tea bags and put them on my puffy eyes...I had cried a lot that day...then slathered my face with a soothing mask. I somehow managed to drink my tea with all this on my face. :) I also ate some dark chocolate. :D I was tempted to feel guilty but the thing is, it is not that I was unwilling to receive this child...it is that God told me "no". God told me no. You cannot have her. And it's OK. It is good. Though saying that makes me want to throw up I know it is good because God is good. And I must not look at God as omnipotent right now, because the questions and anger and sadness would drive me mad...but I must look at Jesus, on the cross, asking the very question that my heart has been screaming.
So what am I to do? I suppose I will take this in between time, however long it may be, and instead of spending the time planning, preparing, etc...I'll take the time that for once our family is not in a stage of change and spend some time on trying to plan purposeful relaxation a few nights a week and just paying attention to my health and strength...and of course my faith. And, on blessing others in any way I can. And of course, being all I can to my family that is here.
I have not as of yet gone through barrenness. I have a large family by American standards. I hope and pray that this post does not cause any barren women pain as I hope I do not sound like I am comparing myself and my current situation to the life a barren couple lives...both the crosses and blessings. I know many barren women would gasp at me for my pain of the loss of our baby and tell me to look instead to my four living children. And I am. And I am so thankful. And yet, the loss of our child has forced me to deal with sin and death...my own sin and death and curse...in a very hard and deep way. And I can't thank Katie enough for writing this book for all women, not just the barren. Thank you Katie.
As a side note, please pray for me. My pain has increased significantly since yesterday. I'm hoping I overdid it cleaning yesterday and not that there are any complications from the birth Monday.
Today, however, I found myself thinking about Katie's words again as I lingered in Goodwill, alone, for an entire hour and a half! Actually I thought about her book the entire time. And now her book has taken on a whole new meaning for me and I want to share the excerpts I was thinking about.
"There is no denying the fact that one of the purposes of marriage is procreation. God tells us in His Word that He loves life and wants children to be the blessed fruit of the one-flesh union between spouses. It is not surprising, then, that a barren woman may feel guilty when her womb does not produce such God-pleasing fruit. That is why it is so important for us to remember that having children is not a law of God for us to keep but a heritage from Him for us to receive. It is not that we are unwilling to have children but that we are unable to have children." (89-90)
A page later,
"Explore the lighter side of barrenness. (Yes, you read that correctly.) Recognize that your family life is going to look and feel very different rom that of other married couples who have cihldren. Rather than coveting that which you have not been given, celebrate that which you have. You and your husband enjoy a special freedom of schedule and resources that many parents would trade their minivan for in a heartbeat. Spend some of that money you have saved on a second honeymoon." (91)
The book is called, "He Remembers the Barren" and the author is Katie Schuermann. I love the cover:
But the reason I was thinking about it so much is, this is the first time (since my first in which he was 19 months before I conceived) I have passed my youngest child's first birthday and been at the 15 month mark without being in maternity clothes and beginning to plan moving beds, car seats, rooms, preparing the co-sleeper, baby laundry, and figuring out how to do everything from home school to Sunday morning church routine, etc with yet another child. I know this sounds crazy to some but suddenly I feel confused as to how to spend my time!! I'm not pregnant! I am not 6 months away from starting our family over again with an entire new child. My baby isn't a baby anymore but is running and playing. And there's not another baby to take the baby place before he turns 2. What will I do with all this time?
I know, it sounds crazy. The Lord could very well bless us again and soon if He chooses. But even so the baby would not be here until after my youngest turns 2! Weird. And maybe He won't bless us at all for quite some time....or ever.
So I went to Goodwill and bought myself a cart full of new shirts. I cleaned out my closet, got rid of all the shirts that are too big now because I was in my early pregnancy larger-but-not-yet-maternity shirts. Well, I packed them up and put them in the basement. I filled my closet with my new small shirts. I haven't taken my prenatal vitamins all week. I've taken them every day for the past 8 years because for the past 8 years I've been pregnant and/or nursing. But I decided to take a break for a few days. I know it sounds silly, but I just didn't feel like it.
A couple nights ago I brewed some tea, filled the tub, lit a candle, cooled the tea bags and put them on my puffy eyes...I had cried a lot that day...then slathered my face with a soothing mask. I somehow managed to drink my tea with all this on my face. :) I also ate some dark chocolate. :D I was tempted to feel guilty but the thing is, it is not that I was unwilling to receive this child...it is that God told me "no". God told me no. You cannot have her. And it's OK. It is good. Though saying that makes me want to throw up I know it is good because God is good. And I must not look at God as omnipotent right now, because the questions and anger and sadness would drive me mad...but I must look at Jesus, on the cross, asking the very question that my heart has been screaming.
So what am I to do? I suppose I will take this in between time, however long it may be, and instead of spending the time planning, preparing, etc...I'll take the time that for once our family is not in a stage of change and spend some time on trying to plan purposeful relaxation a few nights a week and just paying attention to my health and strength...and of course my faith. And, on blessing others in any way I can. And of course, being all I can to my family that is here.
I have not as of yet gone through barrenness. I have a large family by American standards. I hope and pray that this post does not cause any barren women pain as I hope I do not sound like I am comparing myself and my current situation to the life a barren couple lives...both the crosses and blessings. I know many barren women would gasp at me for my pain of the loss of our baby and tell me to look instead to my four living children. And I am. And I am so thankful. And yet, the loss of our child has forced me to deal with sin and death...my own sin and death and curse...in a very hard and deep way. And I can't thank Katie enough for writing this book for all women, not just the barren. Thank you Katie.
As a side note, please pray for me. My pain has increased significantly since yesterday. I'm hoping I overdid it cleaning yesterday and not that there are any complications from the birth Monday.
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