Book Recommended

Several months ago, before I conceived Anastasia, I read a wonderful book. I did not read it because its topic is barrenness. Actually I read it because I knew, from reading the blog, that Katie Schuermann is talking about so much more than barrenness and there was some comfort I desperately needed. I got way more than I bargained for. Her book not only moved me to some serious repentance/confession that needed to happen, but washed me anew in grace. It was like she came into my living room as a dear sister in Christ to do exactly what sisters in Christ are supposed to do for each other. I am eternally grateful.

Today, however, I found myself thinking about Katie's words again as I lingered in Goodwill, alone, for an entire hour and a half! Actually I thought about her book the entire time. And now her book has taken on a whole new meaning for me and I want to share the excerpts I was thinking about.

"There is no denying the fact that one of the purposes of marriage is procreation. God tells us in His Word that He loves life and wants children to be the blessed fruit of the one-flesh union between spouses. It is not surprising, then, that a barren woman may feel guilty when her womb does not produce such God-pleasing fruit. That is why it is so important for us to remember that having children is not a law of God for us to keep but a heritage from Him for us to receive. It is not that we are unwilling to have children but that we are unable to have children." (89-90)

A page later,

"Explore the lighter side of barrenness. (Yes, you read that correctly.) Recognize that your family life is going to look and feel very different rom that of other married couples who have cihldren. Rather than coveting that which you have not been given, celebrate that which you have. You and your husband enjoy a special freedom of schedule and resources that many parents would trade their minivan for in a heartbeat. Spend some of that money you have saved on a second honeymoon." (91)

The book is called, "He Remembers the Barren" and the author is Katie Schuermann. I love the cover:

But the reason I was thinking about it so much is, this is the first time (since my first in which he was 19 months before I conceived) I have passed my youngest child's first birthday and been at the 15 month mark without being in maternity clothes and beginning to plan moving beds, car seats, rooms, preparing the co-sleeper, baby laundry, and figuring out how to do everything from home school to Sunday morning church routine, etc with yet another child. I know this sounds crazy to some but suddenly I feel confused as to how to spend my time!! I'm not pregnant! I am not 6 months away from starting our family over again with an entire new child. My baby isn't a baby anymore but is running and playing. And there's not another baby to take the baby place before he turns 2. What will I do with all this time?

I know, it sounds crazy. The Lord could very well bless us again and soon if He chooses. But even so the baby would not be here until after my youngest turns 2! Weird. And maybe He won't bless us at all for quite some time....or ever.

So I went to Goodwill and bought myself a cart full of new shirts. I cleaned out my closet, got rid of all the shirts that are too big now because I was in my early pregnancy larger-but-not-yet-maternity shirts. Well, I packed them up and put them in the basement. I filled my closet with my new small shirts. I haven't taken my prenatal vitamins all week. I've taken them every day for the past 8 years because for the past 8 years I've been pregnant and/or nursing. But I decided to take a break for a few days. I know it sounds silly, but I just didn't feel like it.

A couple nights ago I brewed some tea, filled the tub, lit a candle, cooled the tea bags and put them on my puffy eyes...I had cried a lot that day...then slathered my face with a soothing mask. I somehow managed to drink my tea with all this on my face. :) I also ate some dark chocolate. :D I was tempted to feel guilty but the thing is, it is not that I was unwilling to receive this child...it is that God told me "no". God told me no. You cannot have her. And it's OK. It is good. Though saying that makes me want to throw up I know it is good because God is good. And I must not look at God as omnipotent right now, because the questions and anger and sadness would drive me mad...but I must look at Jesus, on the cross, asking the very question that my heart has been screaming.

So what am I to do? I suppose I will take this in between time, however long it may be, and instead of spending the time planning, preparing, etc...I'll take the time that for once our family is not in a stage of change and spend some time on trying to plan purposeful relaxation a few nights a week and just paying attention to my health and strength...and of course my faith. And, on blessing others in any way I can. And of course, being all I can to my family that is here.

I have not as of yet gone through barrenness. I have a large family by American standards. I hope and pray that this post does not cause any barren women pain as I hope I do not sound like I am comparing myself and my current situation to the life a barren couple lives...both the crosses and blessings. I know many barren women would gasp at me for my pain of the loss of our baby and tell me to look instead to my four living children. And I am. And I am so thankful. And yet, the loss of our child has forced me to deal with sin and death...my own sin and death and curse...in a very hard and deep way. And I can't thank Katie enough for writing this book for all women, not just the barren. Thank you Katie.



As a side note, please pray for me. My pain has increased significantly since yesterday. I'm hoping I overdid it cleaning yesterday and not that there are any complications from the birth Monday.