January

We've been in the swing of things around here since I was two weeks postpartum and returned to full time babysitting. With lil miss here we have to be on a routine so that I'm not trying to nurse my baby, bottle feed her, and feed my four big boys all at once. It's nice.

Lil baby is about to be 3 months old in 11 days. He's a fantastic baby. He's slept through the night since the night he was born. Seriously. Now, my definition of sleep through the night is 10-4. Pretty good no? There has not been one night that he has not had that routine. OK, sometimes he wakes at 3:30 instead of 4. :) Then he goes back to sleep until between 6:45-8.

When he's not sleeping he's happy. He likes to just lay in his rocker or swing and just watch the chaos. There's always a brother talking to him or trying to carry him around. He nurses well and is growing fast.

So, I'm not sure if it's something having to due with January (bored from not being able to go outside? Feeling cooped up?) but I've been on a huge purge spurt. Maybe it's a postpartum thing. Regardless, I'm going room by room, digging in dark corners, cabinets, drawers, etc etc and purging. It feels SO GOOD to take bags and bags of stuff to Goodwill and to the trash. I want to take a complete inventory of every single thing in the house (no, not written, just mental) so that "every item has a place, and everything is in its place". That is so important to me.

These days the minimalist lifestyle is huge. You can't scroll through Facebook without seeing ads for the "tiny house" or the recycled "shipping container house".  The funny thing is how grand they try to make them look on the inside, because even if we're living in a shipping container we want to feel rich and spoiled. But, I read THIS fantastic article on why the minimalist lifestyle is a TERRIBLE idea for a large family. I was so relieved to have words for the uncomfortable feeling I had whenever I was tempted to "go minimalist". The thing is, as responsible and frugal parents, we can't afford to just run to Goodwill for an appliance and then donate it right afterwards. People try the "own 100 things" challenge, but what they don't tell you is they are constantly paying for things they use once and then get rid of.

So while minimalism will never have its place in our 7 member family due to finances alone, I do insist that if an item does not have a place, it shouldn't be here.

So, we're cleaning, purging, reorganizing, and really enjoying a much cleaner house. The work is never done. By the time I get through the whole house it will be time to start right over again. But, if my work were ever done, I would have no vocation. Work is constant and that is good, it is good to set our hands to work, it keeps us humble and repenting as we fight against the dirt, decay, dust, and broken things in our lives. It reminds us every second of why we need Jesus.

On that note, it's bed time. Christ keep you.

Faith

For the past couple of weeks I have been pondering faith, its source, and the result when faith has its way with our hearts.

 We know from all of the Scripture passages on faith that faith is given not conjured up of ourselves. It is impossible to create except by God alone because it is knowledge of Him, which comes only from Him. We also know that for those IN the faith, grace abounds, even as we literally die and drown every day in our sinful filth through confession and are raised in our Baptism to continue on in love and acts of service.

In light of this I think of parenting my little boys. And the question comes to mind, is the way I parent in line with what we believe about salvation? Does my parenting express that it is the Lord that has saved them and granted faith or that they themselves... Or I myself.. Somehow must work it out?

Unfortunately I think it's so easy to forget and to cling desperately to our own works. For me it plays out when I get angry over their sin and yell and berate them. I tell myself what I'm doing is justified, they deserve it, and it's even good because I must show them their sin and force them into repentance and faith. Surely if I use enough words and reprimand them enough they will turn to God and good works. I get so angry, they so often don't respond the way I want, and then, oh why do I feel so deflated and alone afterwards?

I will never be able to turn them to Christ. Christ alone can do that. I CAN set up rules, enforce them with loving authority, and with calm dignity discipline for disobedience to God's Word. But I have no right to become emotional or angry. I might say, "Oh yes I do! I'm angry because I'm zealous for God!" God does not need you to be zealous for Him. He alone has the right to be angry over sin. We ourselves are just as guilty as our children and their sin should be cause for further repentance on our part.

So we discipline, we repent ourselves, and we keep on in desperate endurance as we await Christ's return. Come quickly Lord Jesus.

10 years

O perfect Love, all human thought transcending,

Lowly we kneel in prayer before Thy throne,

That theirs may be the love which knows no ending,

Whom Thou forevermore dost join in one.

O perfect Life, be Thou their full assurance,

Of tender charity and steadfast faith,

Of patient hope and quiet, brave endurance,

With childlike trust that fears nor pain nor death.

Grant them the joy which brightens earthly sorrow;

Grant them the peace which calms all earthly strife,

And to life’s day the glorious unknown morrow

That dawns upon eternal love and life.

Hear us, O Father, gracious and forgiving,

Through Jesus Christ, Thy coeternal Word,

Who, with the Holy Ghost, by all things living

Now and to endless ages art adored.

O Perfect Love TLH #623

I'm not sure how it happened. I blinked. Well, I suppose moving 9 times in 10 years helped pass the time...and having 11 pregnancies...and three dogs and a bird...and having four awesome little boys in our first 7 years. But here my husband and I are, less than 3 months away from celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary. 

Our wedding was beautiful and perfect. It was perfect because of who I was marrying, and, if I do say so myself, because it was the perfect Lutheran service with beautiful hymnody and preaching. There is no doubt in my mind that my husband was chosen for me from the moment God formed me in my mother's womb. I am his and he is mine. His love for me is never ending and the amount he sacrifices of his own desires to serve me and our children is apparent every single day. He lives to serve me and our children and I live to serve him. We both do this not with our own power but strengthened by the Holy Spirit, constantly fighting against our own sinful whims. But in everything we have the first and most powerful love of our Heavenly Father which is the whole point of marriage anyways: to exemplify and receive intimately Christ's love for His bride, the church. 

By the time we celebrate our anniversary in December we will, God willing, have 5 children here with us and another child that is with us 5 days a week. We have a very active and huge puppy, a bird, and a house on over a half acre with two apple trees and a pear tree. Our home is over 100 years old and I love it, though it needs constant attention that seems to leave us with more of a damage control list than a home improvement list. My husband has been a pastor for five years now and is currently serving a congregation of great size, much larger than anything we ever imagined we would be blessed to serve. This of course means, well, he really should have three of himself, at least, just to do that job alone. 

My husband is also blessed to be earning his doctorate right now. It's a four year program and he has just begun year two. It involves traveling for a week at a time three times a year for intensives on campus in addition to all the papers, reading, and work he must do while home performing his job to his church and family. He will be traveling again before our baby comes and I'm so thankful my mom is coming to help me make it through the week so that I don't die of exhaustion from trying to hold down the house with five kids and a very pregnant belly while home schooling our four children. Sometimes I feel like I need three of me too: one to cook all the meals and snacks and grocery shop and garden/can to keep four boys' tummies full, one to clean, organize, and manage a home and yard this large, and one to homeschool and love on the children. I feel like every day only one of those jobs is able to be done well, or all three only get done part way. 

Earlier this week after a particularly hard day (it was the great clothes swap from spring/summer wardrobe to fall/winter wardrobe-and sizing each child up one-that involves repacking every piece of clothing for the boys' into bins in the basement and then pulling out the new sizes for all the boys while meticulously keeping track of exactly how many pairs of pants, shorts, long sleeve, short sleeve, pajamas, church outfits, and underwear each child can have in order to have room for their clothes in their shared bedroom) my husband and I got into bed and he was very stressed about work and school and home improvements and I was stressed about my inability to do all things well at home and we were both stressed about money and I thought to myself...this is it. This is that point in marriage where marriages either fall apart or intertwine even stronger like a well-weathered rope made nearly stronger from use and time. 

I looked at my husband and he pulled out our Bible reading for the night and then we held hands to pray. His prayer was short and very simple...almost childlike. But it was that way on purpose because after a long day it's good to pray that way I think...and I've only heard him pray like that with me. When he was done we looked at each other and I laughed. I laughed at how simple it all really is, this life. 

What Does the Lord Require?

6 “With what shall I come before the Lord,

and bow myself before God on high?

Shall I come before him with burnt offerings,

with calves a year old?

7 Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams,

with ten thousands of rivers of oil?

Shall I give my firstborn for my transgression,

the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?”

8 He has told you, O man, what is good;

and what does the Lord require of you

but to do justice, and to love kindness,

and to walk humbly with your God?" Micah 6:6-8 ESV

And that is why we can laugh. My husband and I, we are so rich. We are rich in our vocations. Just when we think we can't handle more, God gives us more: more to serve, more to love, more to die for each and every day. The sheer enormity of what my husband and I are responsible for on a day to day basis is downright terrifying some days. But then I laugh because it reminds me of a couple of times in high school when I would go to take a final exam that I could fail and still get an "A" in the class because my grade was high enough. Life is like that: the battle has already been won, the victory is ours, what does God require of you? To do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God. 

And so we love. We will never, ever cross off our to do list. We will never have enough money or enough energy or enough patience or enough kindness or enough of anything. But we have Christ Jesus and He is enough. And so we get up each day, hold hands in prayer, and thank God that one thing we do have enough of is enough forgiveness from Jesus....and enough to keep us busy. :)

The night before my life began.

The Darkness Deepens: And why that's OK.

In the past few months I've come under a lot of ridicule for the title of my blog. I was confronted rather harshly by a couple of loved ones and it sometimes still confounds me.

Today was a bad day. I woke up to two of my children rowdily getting out of bed (which they are not allowed to do) and thus awakening their baby brother who was in his big boy bed for his very first night. They woke him-and me- up an hour before we are accustomed to getting up. But because baby boy was awake I had to hop out of bed and get up there because he also just potty trained and I needed to get his night time diaper off so he could use the potty. Within the span of an hour I dealt with about 5 meltdowns from over-tired children, a dog that was insisting on trying to dig holes in the yard and eat his own poop, a few huge spills (two of which were the dog and included him grabbing a full cup of smoothie and tossing it up into the air where it hit the wall and splattered all over himself, the wall, and the floor and the other of which was a half drank bottle of kefir, which he enjoyed immensely). By the time my husband got up I wanted to sob and was so tired I didn't know what to do with myself.

This evening my husband left for church and I sent the children upstairs to play. I read an article that I had seen linked to and had been wanting to check out because I'm always up for a good lashing that will remind me how selfish I am so I can try to repent more, be better, and therefore attain piety.....um, what? Yea, don't deny it, you know you are too:

http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/the-me-monster/

Thankfully I'm getting better at spotting these types of articles for what they are and turning to what Scripture actually says.

About the only thing I found truly helpful about the above link was the very last recommendation to counter one's own thoughts with God's Word. But my passages would look far different from hers. See how she beats herself down with more law? Law for law. She shares in depth a very deep and very hard personal struggle to the Law and how she was about nearly crushed from her need to find perceived perfection in the Amish faith and then how does she say she came out of it? Here was her before:

"What about me? I am tired! Furthermore, I want to raise my kids Amish; my husband won’t allow me to do this; what about my dreams? What about how I feel? They are my kids too! I have been through so much. I, I, I, and what about me, me, me” (notice the “ME” monster). That was my sin. Depression is selfish. When you are depressed, you are only thinking about yourself—about poor and unfortunate ME. I was seeking my own. "

And here is her solution to this problem:

"Once I got my focus off myself and onto what my purpose was, and onto Christ, it really made me get better. I had to start realizing that things could be worse. I had to start seeing things differently. I was really bad.....I want to be patient, to endure the hard times, and understand God’s perfect will and timing in the lives of others."

Hmmm....Do you see the problem here? I don't see any loss of the "me monster" she claims to have found to solve her problem.

My dear sisters, you cannot rid yourself of the "me monster". You simply cannot. You cannot stop hurting, you cannot stop muddling through the diapers and the laundry and the filth and the hardships...they (the hurting, the selfishness, the desire to be free from our burdens and sins) just aren't going to go away. They just aren't. The low pressure weather systems with the storms building up behind them kind of days that depress us (or at least me) are still going to come, the news is still going to show the insanity going on around the world that leads us to stare in horror and go, "What the hell?", and we are still going to yell sometimes, be as selfish as the naughtiest 2 year old sometimes, and just not have the energy to do more than throw sugar laden junk at our kids to get them to SIT DOWN AND BE QUIET sometimes. 

So what does God's Word say to us? Sisters, the secret when going through God's Word is not to apply law to law. Oh yes, those passages the author of the article shared are God's Inspired Word but did you see their context? Those passages are not written in the context of applying to the hurting, the broken, the law-sick person. Read through the entire Bible and you see that God never changes: He applies law to the unrepentant haters of God and GOSPEL to the hurting, despairing, but faith filled believers in Christ..So read these:

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, 7 casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you. 8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.9 Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. 10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. 11 To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 5:6-11 (emphasis mine)

"[13] Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. [14] For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. [15] For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. [16] Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. [17] So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. [18] For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. [19] For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. [20] Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. [21] So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. [22] For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, [23] but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. [24] Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? [25] Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. "(Romans 7:13-25 ESV)

"Some went down to the sea in ships,

doing business on the great waters;

24 they saw the deeds of the Lord,

his wondrous works in the deep.

25 For he commanded and raised the stormy wind,

which lifted up the waves of the sea.

26 They mounted up to heaven; they went down to the depths;

their courage melted away in their evil plight;

27 they reeled and staggered like drunken men

and were at their wits' end.

28 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,

and he delivered them from their distress.

29 He made the storm be still,

and the waves of the sea were hushed.

30 Then they were glad that the waters were quiet,

and he brought them to their desired haven." Psalm 107:23-30

Christ has died, Christ is Risen, Christ will come again. And HE will lift you up in due time. And in the mean time we keep on asking our children to forgive us, we forgive as we have been forgiven, and we drag our weary souls where He promises to be: His Word and His Body and Blood, and in the remembrance of our Baptisms. There we find strength for our souls and the courage to keep moving. He IS coming indeed! If there is one thing I hope my children learn from me it is that life is like the above Psalm. We will stagger and fall and be at our wits' end...but Jesus comes, He always comes. I hope my children always know we cannot save ourselves and we can never be good enough, Mommy certainly is not, but we are LOVED, we are FORGIVEN, and Christ gives us His Very Self and does not leave us as orphans. We are His, bought with His Blood, and it's OK to be sad, it's OK to have bad days, we forgive and keep on moving in Christ's help and Christ's joy. 

Peace be with you and Christ keep you.

Food, Facebook, and Family

Recently I was listening to THIS. Actually, I have listened to it more than once. And one of the things that has stayed with me the most from this talk was something Pr. Weedon said in the second video, about 5 minutes and 30 seconds in.  He says the process of theosis (divinization) is about God taking things away from you. It's not about your own "upward" progress as a Christian, but it is about God's taking things away from you one by one by one and in that taking away, causing you to realize that HE is enough. And then, lastly, He takes away your breath. But even then, He is enough.

Isn't that beautiful?!? Seriously, that is the most beautiful confession of the true Christian faith I have ever heard in my entire life. I want it painted around the top of my family's living room where I have to read it every single day.

Hearing Pastor Weedon's confession was like a slap in the face to several of my false gods that we all have and led me to repent of some of my unconfessed sins/temptations that I did not realize I had. It also allowed me to have peace in some areas of my life that have haunted me.

The first area is food. A friend of mine that finally became a face to face friend when I met her this week, after years of having mutual friends and being friends online, introduced me to a new term this week called orthorexia nervosa. Orthorexia is an eating disorder characterized by an unhealthy preoccupation with food that one perceives to be "unhealthy"......

Um...can we say 99.9% of American culture?

Americans ARE OBSESSED with food. Don't believe me? Head to any of the news websites or take a walk to the check out counter. How many articles will you find with all sorts of self proclaimed experts telling you what is truly "healthy" for you and what is not? And, after 9 years of thinking that in order to be a good mom and wife I had to figure out exactly how to be perfect with food I. AM. DONE.

Do you want to know the biggest most dangerous reason we, as Christians, need to let go of this food obsession once and for all?

The devil has us right where he wants us. He wants to disguise sin's effects on our sinful flesh and our need for Christ and have us call it something other than sin. How does he do this? By making you think your aunt has cancer because she didn't eat an all organic diet free from all gmo's. By making you think your baby has eczema because you didn't follow a paleo diet while pregnant/nursing. By making you think your sister is obese because she eats wheat.

Do you know why we have cancer, eczema, obesity and every other human flesh failure? BECAUSE. WE. ARE. FALLEN.  That's it. We are fallen. We are infected with sin. We cannot save ourselves. Friends, you can go ahead and try. You can sprout your grains, soak them, sing to them. You can buy all non-gmo, all organic, heck grow all your own everything. You can take fermented cod liver oil with butter oil, drink all fresh spring water in stainless steel or glass water bottles, and refuse all sugar, grains, and legumes. WHATEVER. But I'm so sorry to tell you, it won't heal you. You will still get sick. you may even get cancer, or eczema, or even still struggle with obesity. You might still feel fatigued, still struggle with insomnia, or still have acne. Yes, God gives us wisdom to make choices that could make a difference in our health temporarily and help ease certain ailments. This is wonderful! But...

The devil delights in his distraction tactic. He wants us to call sin something else, to take control of as many areas of our lives as we can and say, "oh, this isn't a spiritual thing, this has nothing to do with church and God, this is a physical thing, something I CAN CONTROL (WHOOOPPEEEEE!!!!!!)" And suddenly we do our devotions hurriedly in the morning, grouching the whole way through in our heart, because of the stress of wondering how we will be perfect enough to cure our son or self or sister today. And eventually where is our need for Christ?

Enough. It is enough. Look to Christ. Feed your family what you have and what you are able and let it go. Stop reading articles, stop listening to the panic, refuse to make food your god.  Food will not heal you, save you, nor add one day to your life. Honor the body God gave you by not pouring things into it in gluttony as God's Word tells us is wicked, but do not grant God's healing powers nor His salvific work to your food.

The next area Weedon's quote convicted me was facebook. The food issue leads into the facebook issue in the way that having SO MUCH input into my life on a daily basis was not only overwhelmingly distracting from my own family and vocation making me see so many things I didn't need to be adding to my day, but, it also, I have realized, really really hurts the relationships in my life. I am afraid to see what relationships will be like for the world in 10-20 years. And I wonder how many of our grown up youth will be depressed, on drugs, or who knows what because their relationships are reduced to a glowing screen that does not hug them, talk to them, or love them. Mothers, sisters, brothers, friends, you can't trade a "like" for love. For real relationships. For life. We are all going to be reduced to hermits living with our glowing screens and not experiencing the world and complexity of true human interaction if we don't wake up. I decided this time to not delete my account completely like I did October of last year for 8 months because like it or not, most email and several event notifications happen through facebook. I have pregnant friends that will post the first announcement of a birth with a picture on facebook. And I want to be able to call or send a card to rejoice with them when word gets out. But I will no longer be posting my own updates unless it is something like a birth announcement. If I have the urge to post something, a picture, a funny happening, a thought, I'm going to either share it with my immediately family/friends around me that day or I will call some friend or family member far away to share it with them. Because that is how we actually deepen our relationships. That is how we show we care. That is how we show real human decency instead of turning into a bunch of robots.

And, like the food issue, the facebook issue feeds right into the family issue. As I have mentioned before, I grew up in a home broken several times over. When I was being raised in public school where many friends had divorced parents, it didn't seem like a big deal to me. My church didn't make a big deal out of it either. And I remember thinking, what's the big deal, I have two Christmases! Two birthdays! Two houses I can switch between if one is annoying me! ....

It is a big deal. It is only now that I'm an adult with a whole home and a Godly marriage that I have been able to grapple with the brokenness I grew up with and my parents and step parents went through. It breaks my heart for them and for me and my siblings. It has also bothered me more and more as I have had so many friendships deepen with so many amazing Pastor's wife friends who come from amazing Christian families. Are we all sinners? Of course, but there's a difference between sinners that live out their entire lives in fear and love of God in a church that takes very seriously how Christian parents will raise their children (and parents who take that seriously enough to vow it to death), confronting them with God's Word and private confession/absolution when they err, and sinners that live out their lives breaking themselves away from God, divorcing their homes and their children from a Godly life by their choices, and calling it OK because "xyz".

I am not seeking to place blame here. In all of these ponderings, I am so very grateful for the way God has kept me. My mom and dad faithfully brought me to the font of Holy Baptism at less than two weeks old and saw to it, along with my step mom, that I was raised faithfully in the church. But as I grappled with anger and confusion over the continuing deterioration of my family as my Dad died and all of my siblings left for other Christian denominations or left the church at times, I struggled to not be one of those people that grows up to become angry and rebellious about their upbringing and despairing over how I would see to it that my own family was raised in a God pleasing way when I had so little left on the home front. I want to honor my family and be grateful to God for the way He provided. And I am. But the answer was found in Weedon's quote and the realizations about food and facebook. First, we have to call things what they are, be honest about the sin we experienced, forgive as we have been forgiven, and where there is unrepentance in others, use it as an opportunity to pray for them and continue to live in repentance ourselves. Second, to seek out my true vocation in my life NOW, not what it used to be, not what I wish it was, but what it is now, and to make the most I can out of the relationships God has actually given me to nurture NOW.

"God has assuredly promised His grace to the humble (1Peter 5:5), that is, to those who lament and despair of themselves. But no man can be thoroughly humbled until he knows that his salvation is utterly beyond his own powers, devices, endeavors, will, and works, and depends entirely on the choice, will, and work of another, namely, of God alone. For as long as he is persuaded that he himself can do even the least thing toward his salvation, he retains some self-confidence and does not altogether despair of himself, and therefore he is not humbled before God, but presumes that there is-or at least hopes or desires that there may be- some place, time, and work for him, by which he may at length attain to salvation. But when a man has no doubt that everything depends on the will of God, then he completely despairs of himself and chooses nothing for himself, but waits for God to work; then he has come close to grace, and can be saved." -Martin Luther

1. Soul, adorn thyself with gladness,
Leave behind all gloom and sadness;
Come into the daylight's splendor,
There with joy thy praises render
Unto Him whose grace unbounded
Hath this woundrous supper founded.
High o'er all the heavens He reigneth,
Yet to dwell with thee He deigneth.

2. Hasten as a bride to meet Him
And with loving reverence greet Him;
For with words of life immortal
Now He knocketh at thy portal.
Haste to open the gates before Him,
Saying, while thou dost adore Him,
Suffer, Lord, that I receive Thee,
And I nevermore will leave Thee.   -LSB 635

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for giving us your very self through the doorposts of our mouths that through your precious Body and Blood we may be strengthened in our faith to remain faithful unto death.

It's happening

This past week we honored our Abel as we remembered him on his expected due date- 4-8-14. A dear friend and her husband, who we had asked to be the God parents for this child before he died, had a package show up at my door the day before. I waited to open it with my husband that night on the eve of his due date. It was a beautiful gold crucifix. Now we have a crucifix in every room on the first floor. I love it. And now I will always have that crucifix to look at to remind me not only of Christ's sacrifice that atoned for the sins of the entire world, but for my Abel's as well.

After I wrote my last post I spent a long time that evening in prayer confessing all of my fears to God. I didn't try to...piefy (piefy: v. to make pious-OK, yes, I made that up) my prayers but instead just confessed and, with few words, simply asked God to please help me.

I don't know why it surprises me sometimes when He gives me exactly what I ask for in the simplest of ways. I woke up Monday morning and things were different. My fear was gone. poof. I realized it right away, mid-morning, and thanked God for His tender mercy and then got distracted in the first couple days of my week. Tuesday night I realized again how worry free I was and told a couple friends about the wonderful blessing. Then I had a nightmare Tuesday night that I was miscarrying. I woke up and thought it was real, thought I was covered in blood, and then the worry came crashing back. I immediately got onto my knees and confessed it all again, once again asking God to have mercy on me and help me in my meager faith. By mid morning I was once again fear-free.

It's not that I don't know I could still lose this baby. I'm not naive nor does being worry free mean bad things won't happen. It's just that I have met death face to face 6 times in my own body. The Lord saw fit to allow us a long year of very intimate and isolating grief. This cross the Lord mercifully allowed in our lives may or may not be over, but it doesn't matter ... the Lord Jesus Christ who has redeemed me and atoned for my sins, atoned for the sins of this child as well. This baby is bathed in God's Word each and every day and, come what may, Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again. Lord, I am yours, save me.

Tomorrow I turn 9 weeks pregnant. Happy 9 weeks Genesis Hope. xo- we love you sweet baby.

Beauty

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"You cast your sins from yourself and onto Christ when you firmly believe that His wounds and sufferings are your sins, to be borne and paid for by Him, as we read in Isaiah 53:6, "The Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all." St. Peter says, "in His body has He borne our sins on the wood of the cross" [1Pet. 2:24]. St. Paul says, "God has made Him a sinner for us, so that through Him we would be made just" [ 11 Cor. 5:21]. You must stake everything on these and similar verses. The more your conscience torments you, the more tenaciously must you cling to them. If you do not do that, but presume to still your conscience with your contrition and penance, you will never obtain peace of mind, but will have to despair in the end. If we allow sin to remain in our conscience and try to deal with it there, or if we look at sin in our heart, it will be much too strong for us and will live on forever. But if we behold it resting on Christ and [see it] overcome by His resurrection, and then boldly believe this, even it is dead and nullified. Sin cannot remain on Christ, since it is swallowed up by His resurrection." -Martin Luther


I read this writing with my children in yesterday's Treasury of Daily Prayer church father writing. I had to read it again and again. Never have I heard the true purpose of contrition and repentance explained so beautifully, so perfect. I've always struggled with confession and contrition. I've always wanted to rake myself over the coals as much as possible but then always come up knowing no good has been done. At times I've thought God cruel to leave us in such a state where we can not only not overcome sin but have to be face to face with its wretchedness every. single. day.

Read this part again:

"If we allow sin to remain in our conscience and try to deal with it there, or if we look at sin in our heart, it will be much too strong for us and will live on forever. But if we behold it resting on Christ and [see it] overcome by His resurrection, and then boldly believe this, even it is dead and nullified. Sin cannot remain on Christ, since it is swallowed up by His resurrection."

Now contrition is sweet, is it not? Now it is beautiful. Now it is purposeful. Oh what a precious gift! We must continue to repent, to be immersed in contrition, over and over but only so that we can look from the depravity of our sins, the utter helplessness they leave us in and then look to the cross where we can see sin swallowed up forever. The moment we cease to drown ourselves in contrition and repentance is the moment we cease to see our need for Christ. So we repent and then we look to the cross where:

"Behold, He is making all things new!" Revelations 21:5

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Why I don't like going to church.

There are many great things about being a confessional Lutheran. One of them is that I can say I do not like going to church. I can say this in a group of confessional Lutheran moms and they will nod their agreement and give me a hug. What? Have we gone mad? Who admits to NOT LIKING church?! Who says that out loud that isn't a hater of God?

I do.

Here is what makes Lutheranism, confessional Lutheranism different from any other denomination in the world:

Jesus Christ came into the world to redeem sinners, of whom I am the worst, and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing. Let me say that one more time: THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. No, seriously, NOTHING.

Happy sigh. (It's so nice to get that out in the open.)

Jesus IS. He WAS. HE WILL BE FOREVER AND EVER.

So what is church like for a confessional Lutheran? Church starts with death. When our pastors come into the front of the church via the side door they immediately leave the chancel (altar area) and go down through the communion rail into the nave where the congregation members sit. This gives us a visual of Old Testament times when no one but the priest offering the sacrifice could go into the Holy of Holies. Why couldn't anyone go? Because an acceptable sacrifice for the sins of the world had not yet been given. God's presence caused death and wrath for us fallen wicked creatures. So the pastors join us in our state of being dead in our trespasses and sins and lead us in confession of sins.

We confess that we are by nature sinful and unclean. We have sinned in thought, word, and deed: by what we have done, and by what we have left undone. We have not loved God with our whole hearts. We have not loved our neighbors as ourselves. We justly deserve God's present and eternal punishment. We beg God for the sake of His Son, Jesus Christ, to have mercy on us, to forgive us, renew us, and lead us so that we may delight in His will and walk in His ways to the glory of His Holy Name.

Church starts with death. It starts with deep inner groanings that we are not enough, that we can never be enough, and that we will surely die unless God saves us. It has to start this way, because if it does not, we are left in the law, damned.

And then the Pastors, in the stead and by the command of our Lord Jesus Christ, pronounce God's forgiveness "I forgive you all your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen!"

And then, forgiven, we have the Word of God pounded into our flesh. The entire service is a beautiful flow between the pastors and the congregation members of God's Word, spoken and sung, back and forth, back and forth. The entire service is printed out, word for word, in our hymnals with the chapters and verses from where every single word comes from in the Scriptures. The service has to be this way, because it is only God's Word that gives life, and only God's Word that is capable of producing in us the fruits of the Spirit.

 With the use of such ancient instruments as the organ, strings, etc, we set a tone of reverence and separation from the world and it's contemporary pop music, clinging to something that does not delight the flesh but instead speaks God's Word into our sin-sick souls.

It is not fun. It is not enjoyable. It is not glorifying of me or my flesh. It does not build up my self esteem or make me feel pretty. Instead it disciplines me, drowns me, indwells me with Christ and once my ears have been filled with His living and active Word, He takes it further and gives me His very Self, into the doorposts of my mouth. Where once men had to sacrifice lambs to mark their doorposts from death in the passover, God now marks me as His with HIS very blood offered in His sacrifice on the cross. He fills me with His Sacrifice, so that I become one with Him in His death AND HIS RESURRECTION.

Most Sundays when I leave church I am exhausted. I usually can't make it through church without crying these days. They aren't happy emotional tears, they are tears that beg and plead, "Come soon Lord! Please come soon!"

I don't like church because it does not make me feel happy or beautiful or glorified. It does not make me feel like I can earn my salvation, God's love, or that church is somehow about me and how great I am because I wave my arms and sing happy songs to God. NO. Instead church makes me want to lie prostrate on the ground and die, because that is all that is left when I see who God is, and who I am...death.

But....

See: He Comes, righteous and having Salvation. And though we sit confused and grieving, He comes, He takes us as His own, into His arms, into His embrace, into His loving adoration and we have Life.

Lord Thee I love with all my heart,
I pray thee ne'er from me depart,
With tender mercy cheer me.
Earth has no pleasure I would share,
Yea, heaven itself were void and bare if Thou Lord wert not near me.
And should my heart for sorrow break, my trust in Thee can nothing shake, Thou art the Portion I have sought, Thy precious blood my soul has bought.
Lord, Jesus Christ, my God and Lord, my God and Lord, forsake me not! I trust Thy Word.

Lord Thee I love with All my Heart: Martin Schalling. 1532-1608

The empty spot of darkness

Sometimes there are not words powerful enough to convey the anger, the fury, and the brokenness of death. And I've learned that death is always grotesque. Always.

And sometimes there is so much anger that it seems imperative to isolate oneself because you are certain there is no one that can possibly give enough care to your grief and the loss you have suffered without making you feel even angrier.

what was left of My Dad's plane

When my Dad died one of the most prominent places where his loss was felt head on was at the dinner table. I actually had to move his chair away, sit in it myself, or avoid the table all together to get through that emptiness of having the head of our home vanish before our eyes. But many times I was overcome with anger as I sat there staring at the emptiness. Even now, thinking about that empty chair and the absence of the person that I still so desperately needed, I can't help but feel like throwing something. What made me angriest was all the people that were friends with my Dad and how sad they would act around us to lose him, and they were sad, but then they would go home to their houses and their families and sit at their tables while we sat at ours, the only ones that had to face the loss constantly in our faces. It wasn't fair.

This is the side of grief that hurts the worst because it's not justified. And I wish it was. Anger is not justified because death is what we all deserve. I want to scream and break things and tell God it's not fair, ask Him to intervene, to help, to have mercy, to end this madness. But He has not. And I know what His answer would be. "Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?"

For 10 days I walked around with a dead body inside of me. Unless you have experienced that, there is no way you can possibly understand what it feels like to have your body betray you and not be able to keep your precious baby alive. Sometimes having my womb turn into a house of death made me physically ill. It still does. The desperation and the plea of begging God to raise that baby back to life only to have my body so grotesquely expel my child 10 days later.

And for a year now I've been trapped in this hell. On the one hand I have my amazing husband and my 4 amazing children. A part of me wishes I could erase the last year. I wish I could erase it. What if I was like other people that have a few kids and decide to "be done"? What if, like we were tempted to do when our 4th was a baby, we had decided to stop having kids? I wonder what I would be doing now. I wonder how my life would be different if I had chosen the 4 I had and decided to just live. Obviously I would still be caring for my 4 children and home schooling, but what would I be thinking about? What project would I be excited about? What would my plans for this year and the next be? Instead of thinking about blood tests and whether I will conceive next month, what would my focus be?

And sometimes I'm just tired. I just want to be done. I want to forget the hell of pushing out a dead baby. I want to forget the nightmare of being told that my second child of the year was being murdered by a giant hematoma attached to his placenta. I want to forget watching his heart trying so hard to beat. I want to forget the Doctor offering to do a D&C on a living baby to spare him the suffering he was going through that was killing him. I want to forget the two weeks that I, again, pleaded for a life of another child. I want to forget standing in the grocery store when my cell phone rang and my Doctor told me, shouting, that we had "gotten our miracle". My baby, Amadeus, had been two weeks behind in development when I went in at 8 weeks for an ultrasound due to a spontaneous hemorrhage because a giant hematoma attached to his placenta was taking blood that should have been going to him. But two weeks later some labs showed that my hcg had skyrocketed as had my progesterone. My Doctor was certain the hematoma had reabsorbed and that my baby was just fine. I laughed and cried and shouted right there in the store. My baby was going to live. I was so certain everything was fine that I went to my ultrasound alone a couple days later. God had given us our miracle, healing! When the screen lit up I nearly stopped breathing. There in front of me was what looked like not one, but two sacs. Dear Lord, did we miss a baby behind that hematoma?! The ultrasound tech told me she needed to switch to an internal ultrasound to get a better look but that it looked like we were looking at twins. I went to the bathroom and for 5 minutes I thought I not only had one living baby, but two.

The ultrasound screen lit up but I could not see it. She was at my feet and needed to have the screen near her. She was far too quiet for far too long. Finally I said, "There's not two is there?"

"No."

"Is there one baby?"

"Yes."

"Is he alive?"

"No honey, he's not."

Instead, what looked like a second large sac where a baby would be, I had a hematoma that had grown so much that it had fooled my body into thinking I was still pregnant. The hematoma was so big we thought it was another sac. And because it was filled with "debris" it looked like it held a baby inside. The hematoma had become a giant leech. We finally found the baby and he looked like a swollen grape. There was no form to him at all. Just a dead heart.

6 weeks later I got another phone call. This time while on vacation. Our next baby was dead. I had to miscarry that baby while I was supposed to be enjoying jet skis with my kids and husband on the beach.

4 weeks after that I watched 4 positive pregnancy tests turn to negatives before I had even called my doctor.

And now, 4 weeks ago I watched the same thing.

I want to always be an example of faith, of courage and of trust in my loving Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Because I know He is love. I know He is mercy. I know He is truth. I know this was never His plan. And I know God is not to blame, but that wretched enemy of life and the stain of sin on all of us. That is the devil's trick, to turn the finger at God. To make us hate God. To make us take things in our own hands because we think things are better in our hands than in God's. Thanks be to God the Holy Spirit intervenes and protects us from ourselves.

But my heart is tired, broken, despairing, and angry. And so I pray, as my Daddy taught me, "Lord I believe, help me with my unbelief." And, "Lord, have mercy, please lift me up in due time."

And some how I breathe through one moment to the next. God have mercy.

For it is by Grace we have been saved.

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The Valley of Dry Bones

The hand of the Lord was upon me, and he brought me out in the Spirit of the Lord and set me down in the middle of the valley; it was full of bones. And he led me around among them, and behold, there were very many on the surface of the valley, and behold, they were very dry. And he said to me, “Son of man, can these bones live?” And I answered, “O Lord God, you know.” Then he said to me, “Prophesy over these bones, and say to them, O dry bones, hear the word of the Lord. Thus says the Lord God to these bones: Behold, I will cause breath to enter you, and you shall live. And I will lay sinews upon you, and will cause flesh to come upon you, and cover you with skin, and put breath in you, and you shall live, and you shall know that I am the Lord.”

So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I prophesied, there was a sound, and behold, a rattling, and the bones came together, bone to its bone. And I looked, and behold, there were sinews on them, and flesh had come upon them, and skin had covered them. But there was no breath in them. Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to the breath, Thus says the Lord God: Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe on these slain, that they may live.” So I prophesied as he commanded me, and the breath came into them, and they lived and stood on their feet, an exceedingly great army.

Then he said to me, “Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. Behold, they say, ‘Our bones are dried up, and our hope is lost; we are indeed cut off.’ Therefore prophesy, and say to them, Thus says the Lord God: Behold, I will open your graves and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will bring you into the land of Israel.And you shall know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves, and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will put my Spirit within you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land. Then you shall know that I am the Lord; I have spoken, and I will do it, declares the Lord.” (Ezekiel 37:1-14, ESV)

This morning the children and I sat to do our morning devotions from the Treasury of Daily Prayer. As we came to the Old Testament reading my breath caught in my throat. During the 10 days I was carrying Anastasia's dead body in mine I read this passage out loud over and over. It became the passage I literally clung to for breath. It has become my favorite passage in all of the Scriptures...well, after the nativity, the Institution of the Lord's Supper, and our Lord's Passion, Crucifixion, Resurrection, and Reappearing. :) I adore it. As I read it I saw it in a new way. During those 10 days it was a plea for God's raising of my child in my womb to new life on this earth. Today it was a solid declaration of God's victory over death. DEATH IS DEAD! Oh Death, you have no sting! No victory!

After the Ezekiel reading was a reading from Romans, a very long reading which always makes me smile to see my children have to sit still for so long as they are so cute trying to be good and they are getting so good at sitting still! Here is the part that stood out to me:

But the free gift is not like the trespass. For if many died through one man's trespass, much more have the grace of God and the free gift by the grace of that one man Jesus Christ abounded for many. And the free gift is not like the result of that one man's sin. For the judgment following one trespass brought condemnation, but the free gift following many trespasses brought justification. For if, because of one man's trespass, death reigned through that one man, much more will those who receive the abundance of grace and the free gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man Jesus Christ.

Therefore, as one trespass led to condemnation for all men, so one act of righteousness leads to justification and life for all men. For as by the one man's disobedience the many were made sinners, so by the one man's obedience the many will be made righteous. Now the law came in to increase the trespass, but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. (Romans 5:15-21, ESV)

Finally the children and I read our Catechism for the day, the 10 commandments and their meanings followed by the Close of the Commandments:

What does God say about all these Commandments? He says, "I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing the children to the 3rd and 4th generations of those who hate me, but showing love to a THOUSAND generations of those who love me and keep my commandments. (emphasis mine)

From these three readings we can gather that:

A. Life comes before death. Before death there was life.

B. Sin came into the world through one man and through that sin we are all infected and all share in each other's sin. 

C. Where sin came through one man, life was restored through the God-man Jesus. 

D. Love overlaps and consumes punishment for those that are called through Christ Jesus in His Word to faith. 

E. My babies and your babies, you mothers who grieve losses with me, the children housed in the wombs of the Baptized and redeemed in Christ Jesus are indeed saved. For God desires that all should be saved, He is eager to do it, and where God's love and Word is, there His love covers a multitude of sins. 

Some people have expressed concern in my confession that my body is killing my babies. But you must realize what I confess is true. BUT, you share in this sin with me. For it IS SIN that infects us all and causes death. My body houses that sin that infects and hands over my child's body to death. I don't know for sure if indeed it is actually my body that is rejecting and killing my child. Maybe it is. Maybe it's not and my babies have some sort of genetic disease or any number of things that are causing them to die. But regardless, we must not cheapen grace by trying to comfort with false words. My sin indeed kills my babies, but it is the sin that was handed down by that one man that we all share. So your sin and mine and everyone else's that we all share indeed kills these children of the womb. BUT. :) oh, that happy BUT!!! 

"but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." (Romans 5:21 ESV)

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Despised

Do you ever feel like you've turned into a cynical, depressed, and angry version of yourself? Because 4 kids in less than 6 years and 9 moves kind of has a way of bringing out exhaustion. And then you get even angrier because of course it's not exactly popular nowadays to be angry or depressed.

Over the past year I spent a lot of time pondering the many verses in Scripture that talk about Christ being despised. Here are some that come to mind:

For he grew up before him like a young plant,

and like a root out of dry ground;

he had no form or majesty that we should look at him,

and no beauty that we should desire him. He was despised and rejected by men;

a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief;

and as one from whom men hide their faces

he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

Surely he has borne our griefs

and carried our sorrows;

yet we esteemed him stricken,

smitten by God, and afflicted.

But he was pierced for our transgressions;

he was crushed for our iniquities;

upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,

and with his wounds we are healed.

All we like sheep have gone astray;

we have turned—every one—to his own way;

and the Lord has laid on him

the iniquity of us all. (Isaiah 53:2-6, ESV)

"The true light, which gives light to everyone, was coming into the world. He was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world did not know him. He came to his own, and his own people did not receive him. But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.

And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth."(John 1:9-14, ESV)

The despisal is not just for Christ, but for His followers as well. We see it happening in explicit ways in foreign countries where Christians are martyred but we also see it happening right here in our own country. We see it when rights to free speech are taken away and jobs are lost, even temporarily, due to peaching Christ. We see it when small business owners are forced to do things against their will and beliefs, like a wedding cake shop owner being forced to make wedding cakes for homosexual couples, or face punishment. We see it when we are labeled as discriminating and unloving or even hateful for confessing that ungodly living is unacceptable.

But this doesn't surprise us. Sometimes it sneaks up on us and threatens to cause us despair, but we knew all along it would be like this.

But in my own little corner of the world it hits in a way I didn't expect.

Some Christians prefer the "be happy all the time, they will know we are Christians by "our love"" tactic. They say if you are filled with the love of Christ you will speak positively all the time and FEEL positively. They are quick to chastise their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ for not being welcoming enough, loving enough, or smiling enough. They say if we are loving people and Christ enough that not only will our churches grow but our own pocket books and personal success will as well. This is called the "Theology of Glory". Some Theology of Glory pioneers are names like Rick Warren and Beth Moore. Basically, the theology of glory is a way of looking at not only faith but life as well. Rather than looking at pain and suffering square on and acknowledging it, they prefer to overcome it, deny it, or gloss over it. They see the cross as necessary but insofar as it is a means to an end of pain and death and they can get on with their lives of good works and happiness.

And then there's the sour-pusses like me. We love by dragging ourselves to the Means of Grace: by being baptized, by baptizing our infants, by catechizing our children and by receiving the Lord's Supper. The Law is seemingly in abundance in our lives because we know it is through the Law that we are brought to repentance, humility, and ultimately to Absolution, that is, forgiveness, and the ability to be prodded on by the Holy Spirit to holy living and service to others so that we can continue to see our sin and repent. We look at the law because it acknowledges what we already feel and see:  brokenness, inability, hurt, and defeat. And once we see this there is only Jesus left. In other Words, it is not glorious, it is not pretty, and...it has "no form or majesty that we should look at Him, no beauty that we should desire Him" but He is our very salvation and hope.

The ironic thing about theology of glory and theology of the cross is that the theology of glory wears a costume depicting itself as the theology of the cross. In other words, the theology of glory wears the costume of grace and love when in reality all it offers is law and brokenness which is what followers of the theology of glory claim the theology of the cross is all about. Let's go to a visual now: Here is a visual of a word cloud made from a free online sermon by Rick Warren:

Some of the words that stand out for the above word cloud are: God (what God?), want, just, feelings, burnout, going, focus, start, today, like, everything, make, work, control, get, know, and responsible.

And here is a word cloud made from a free online sermon from a confessional LCMS Pastor:

 Some of the words that stand out from this word cloud are: Christ, Kingdom, Holy, humility, Son, Cleansed, Father, Angels, Jesus, Brothers, Father, Communion, Pray, Given, Faith, Rejoice, Watch, Belong, and Dependent.

The first is full of verbs (action words): want, go, focus, start, like, work, control, make, get, and know.

The second is full of nouns (person, place, or thing) and adjectives (descriptive words): All of the above. There are only three verbs that stand out: Rejoice, Pray, and Watch. NOT: go, do, be, and on and on.

You don't have to go, do, be because Christ IS. In other words, the theology of the cross happens TO US and IN SPITE OF US. It drags us kicking and screaming through the muck and hell of this life, through our tears, our death, our illness, our brokenness, and brings us to the font, to the altar, and to the pew where our heart and ears are in-dwelt with God through His living Word.

Then Moses said to God, “If I come to the people of Israel and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ what shall I say to them?” God said to Moses, “I am who I am.” And he said, “Say this to the people of Israel, ‘I am has sent me to you.’” God also said to Moses, “Say this to the people of Israel, ‘The Lord, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, has sent me to you.’ This is my name forever, and thus I am to be remembered throughout all generations. (Exodus 3:13-15, ESV)

There are some that will despise you. They profess to be Christians but theology of glory spews from their mouths at every turn. When I have suffered this past year some of them have offered their token, but very hands off, bid of sympathy but then they were as far away and unreachable as possible. When I faced my grief head on by giving birth to my dead baby instead of having the baby sucked out of me and disposed of, they ignored me. When I took pictures of that tiny body, so fearfully and wonderfully made, they looked away. And when my husband and I gave our babies a Christian burial complete with head stones to mark their graves, they scoffed. One went so far as to mock me for "dwelling" on my loss rather than "rejoicing and moving on".

For a year now I have hidden myself in embarrassment, wondering if they were right and if something was wrong with me. I have tried to pull myself together to converse with them as a happy, cheerful person only to find myself wanting to shout and scream when they don't even so much as mention my tears and loss.

But in brokenness Christ comes with healing. For He Himself was "A man of sorrows, acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces He was despised." 

Create in me a clean heart, O God,

and renew a right spirit within me.

Cast me not away from your presence,

and take not your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation,

and uphold me with a willing spirit.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways,

and sinners will return to you.

Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,

O God of my salvation,

and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.

O Lord, open my lips,

and my mouth will declare your praise.

For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;

you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;

a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. (Psalm 51:10-17, ESV) (emphasis mine)