Reluctance

It's been almost three weeks since my husband announced to our church that we are leaving them. Perhaps that sounds like a negative way of talking about accepting a new call but it is the truth. I did not want to go to church the day of his announcement. I felt sick over it and I couldn't bear to be sitting there with eyes on me while he made it. But I knew I couldn't leave my husband without family support that day so I prayed, earnestly, that the Lord would help.

When I arrived at church it was easy at first. He wasn't supposed to be making his announcement for another week yet so no one knew he was making it. My heart pounded in my chest. Lord, are we insane?! It must be something like standing at the door of an airplane right before a sky diver jumps. We have to be mad. I gathered my boys and we walked though the narthex when suddenly I realized someone was in our pew! Bother. Any good Lutheran knows a pew is sacred space, now we would be sitting somewhere awkward on such a big day. My eyes darted trying to figure out where to sit when I realized there was something familiar about the heads in our pew. The couple stood up and turned around and I gasped, it was my husband's aunt and uncle! Words can't convey how my heart swelled. I absolutely adore these two people, from the moment I joined the family they have shown me such warmth and unconditional love. I asked them how they knew and what they were doing here (they live over an hour away and a visit was not planned) and her eyes teared up and she said, "We didn't, he just told us what is happening today, we were in town yesterday for business and stayed the night and decided to come to church here this morning." I hugged her.

We took our seats and before I could think my husband was coming out and stepping down amidst the congregation. I swore I wouldn't cry but my eyes began to sting hot. His voice took on a shaky edge as he made a few other announcements and I saw some eyes look curiously at me wondering why he seemed that way. Then he took a deep breath and said he had another big announcement to make. Every eye locked on him and I saw people stiffen. I don't remember the words he said, it all just blurred at that point, but as my aunt put her arm around me and began silently crying, it was all I could do to not fall apart as the tears streamed down my face. To say there was an audible gasp when he announced he had actually accepted a call across the world would be an understatement. How could a pastor with 5 young children leave a booming, proud LCMS church that boasts a 4K-8 school with a waiting list a mile long? How could he go to perils unknown and sell everything he owns? How could he leave family and friends and the ability to communicate and go to a place where he will not only start over with relationships but even in the ability to speak? Members began streaming out of the church into the restrooms and hallways to cry and console each other. I wished then that the announcements were after church instead of before. But as he closed his announcement he said that now we would draw near to the Lord for comfort as He gives us Himself in His Word and Sacraments and draws us, as always, to the entire church around the world and the church triumphant.

It's been three weeks since that day. But it feels like an eternity. I once read a book titled "The Reluctant Companion" about a pastor's wife who ended up a missionary's wife when her husband's first call out of seminary was overseas to Africa. To say I'm reluctant at this point sounds like a paradox. Didn't we agree to this? Didn't we pray about it for months? Yes. But it's quite a different thing to dream about adventures afar and then to wake up and realize it's no longer a dream. We are committed. There is no turning back. For months we romanticized and talked to our families feeling quite proud of what WE were willing to do to serve the church and then we woke up on the other side of his announcement and realized how very weak we are. It is the Lord who will do this, not us. This is our comfort. And so every day we wake up to our new reality and try to find the strength to begin the months of preparation for deployment.

Last night as we prepared for bed, my husband read a sermon aloud from Reverend David Petersen's Advent and Christmas sermons. Anyone who is familiar with Pr. Petersen's sermons knows the powerful preacher he is. The law in his sermons strikes hard and swift like a hard slap on the face, but his Gospel rains over like a torrential warm spring downpour. Last night I was shocked to hear Gospel from beginning to end. I know there was law because Pr. Petersen does not preach sermons without law (for it is the law that shows us our need for a Savior), but the Gospel was so strong and so comforting, and perhaps I needed it so badly, that I soaked in its glory from beginning to end. He spoke on love, on God's plan of salvation from the garden through the incarnation, and God's intimate way He draws us, not as a God that forces Himself on us and forces adoration, but as a God that so desires us to delight in Him that He draws us tenderly, affectionately, as a groom draws his new bride tenderly to himself.

My husband and I spoke in hushed voices. God has most assuredly drawn us to this, and where He draws, He loves: tenderly, completely. Christ is bigger than all of this and His love for our current church far exceeds our love for them. He will show us how deeply He loves when He continues to provide for them during this very unexpected departure and when He continues to provide for us during this curveball we never, ever, expected. My husband and I laughed last night about how we don't even like to try new restaurants. Or really go to new places. We prefer to vacation by visiting our families. But God's calls rarely make human sense. What matters is that God has called, and where He calls, He equips. May He equip us to this service with love and humility.

A new adventure

This morning my children and I took the pew at the early service and listened with tears as my husband announced that he has accepted the call to serve in Africa as a missionary. The tears were tears of sadness for the dear ones we leave behind, tears of uncertainty of what lies ahead, but tears of joy that the Lord calls those whom He loves. We have the Lord's love, Christ be praised. May His good work and will be done in us as we follow where He leads. Lord keep us your servants ever in your care. Amen.

It's all an illusion.

Pain and loss, disease and war, none of these are laughing matters. None of these things are creations of our Lord, none of them exist in creation as He intended.

So, today, as I see the headlines of America going crazy on "black Friday", my heart may be sad for the brokenness, but it is not afraid. To fear something means there is uncertainty in our outcome. But these are but birth pains, and all things are under the power of our Lord Jesus Christ. The mess is not a creation of our Lord Jesus, but all of creation is subject to Him, thanks be to God. So, there is no fear, because we are His.

Therefore, sometimes it helps to just turn off the news, put down the phones, and go build legos with the boys, or put your hands to something beautiful. He is coming soon. Amen, come Lord Jesus.

Get that ball rolling

         In late spring the kids and I tagged along with Daddy to his pastor's conference. We love going along because it's a small free vacation, albeit without Daddy because he's in conference all day. The kids and I enjoy relaxing in the hotel and sometimes exploring local museums or kid centers. This hotel happened to have an indoor pool with floor to ceiling windows all along one wall that looked into the hallway directly outside the room where the pastors were all having the presentations. They often left the doors open into the hallway so that as I sat watching the kids (and holding my five month old), I could also peek into the conference room. And, when Daddy had breaks, he could wave into the pool and come in to see how we were.

It was during one of these breaks that he told me he was sitting next to one of his classmates from his DMin program at the seminary. This classmate happened to be deliberating a call, two actually (three if you count his then current call). One of them was to overseas missions. My husband was completely engrossed in this conversation and in hearing every detail of this classmate's application process and then contemplation. His classmate happened to be really struggling with his overseas call because he had gone through the months-long application process and, after all of that, how does one then turn down the call even if it is not right? But, as Adam talked about his friend's struggle, my husband was strangely excitable. I was too busy tending to 5 kids in a hotel to pay much attention so I listened to him go on about missions the entire conference, it was a fun break from normal kid conversation, to talk about adventures unknown while out of town.

We went home and life returned to normal, or so I thought, but that week is what I look back on as starting the ball rolling on this crazy adventure we've been on since that week in early spring. (Though, if I'm being honest, a lot longer than that because of all the people that had approached my husband about this over the past three to four years.)

Fast forward 7 months and my husband is currently deliberating a call to Africa. I won't give specifics here because this is a public blog, but this is an adventure I never in a million years would have ever, and I mean EVER, pegged for myself.

This call is the hardest thing we have ever had to decide. It is downright heart wrenching to think of leaving our church, and the members have reciprocated the same feelings during this time of contemplation. And yet, we cannot ignore the ways God has worked during these months of talks with regional missions directors and the work God is doing in foreign lands. I see the gifts and talents my husband has, and I look at his two calls, and I find myself thinking I wish we could do two things at once!

We have been deliberating his two calls (the one we currently serve and the one overseas) for a little over a month already. Missions is being very patient with us and we have another two and a half weeks before we have to give our decision. We are hoping to have an answer before that because this deliberating stuff is like waiting to go into labor while 40 weeks...or..maybe it's like being STUCK in labor!! It needs to end. Will we continue to live our lives here in a beautiful city in America where life makes sense and we have more blessings than we could ever thank God enough for, or will we embark on the journey of a lifetime to perils unknown...with our 5 boys in tow? Lord have mercy and guide us!

A tiny jewelry box

Two and a half years ago I found myself at Target one night thinking, for sure, everyone knew what creepy mission I was on. It felt like I was branded with a sign that read something like "incompetent" or "failure". I was there to find a box to bury my two inch long daughter in, the daughter my body had let go...the daughter my body was supposed to grow into a full sized baby and deliver safely to the font. But, of course, my body does the bidding of our Lord, Jesus Christ. And His will is perfect and beautiful even when my human heart wants so desperately for things to go my way. And so I wandered the aisles. The kitchen section? The storage section? Where on earth does one look? As I wandered around an end cap caught my eye...jewelry. Of course, a jewelry box. After all, my baby is a treasure.

My apple tree snowing delicate petals towards our babies' garden this spring. 

This past weekend my family all began to fall ill. We had unknowingly been exposed to an awful flu virus just as we were supposed to be preparing to go out of town and I was feeling pretty angry about it. I began praying, "Lord, please don't let..." before I could even get the selfish request out, I chided myself mentally. What is He? A God vending machine? Sigh. I wrestled with my thoughts as I hung up shirts on my husband's side of the closet. "Lord, I don't know what to pray. We can't get sick now...Lord, teach me how to pray. How should I pray?" I hung a few more shirts while the baby on my back kicked and grabbed at my hand. The baby on my back....I have a baby. I thought back over that awful year...Anastasia...Amadeus...Alleluia...Mercy....Noel...my Genesis (screen name only). Why did the Lord let him stay? Why after all those losses?

But look at all the good. I won't dare selfishly proclaim that I know why the Lord gave and received home those 5 children or pretend that those children going home have anything to do with a timeline that allowed other things in my life to play out as they have. God does not use children as pawns like that, they are just as important as my life or any other's. No, but He DOES work all things together for the good.

I tried my prayer again. "Lord, I really do not want to be ill right now. My family needs me. And I don't want my children or husband to be ill, we really need to get through this trip. But, Lord, you know all things, you know what is truly for our good. And if it is your will for me to be ill, please help me bear it with...endurance?....strength?...yes, and even thanksgiving and...(gulp) joy. Help me to remember that you are my Great Physician and, according to your will, lift us back up in due time and restore our health. Amen."

The baby on my back squealed and yanked on my hair while kicking me in my hip. "Yea, help me to tolerate that too, Lord," I laughed. And suddenly I thought back to my elementary school history lessons..."Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness..." I snorted. For the Christian, there is no such thing as the pursuit of happiness. It is a lie and it actually serves to steal our joy. If happiness is felt, it is something to give thanks for, but to set it as our focus and to pursue it ignores that life is not, and never has been, about pursuing happiness. I learned that the year I watched 5 babies go home to Jesus. Sometimes the reason hard things hurt so badly is because we think we deserve them and that to not have them is an injustice to our happiness. But life is about love. Life is about service. Life is about the least of these. Life is about dying in order to live.

When Divine Meets Death

Yesterday as my children and I walked up to the rail to receive the Lord's Body and Blood, I was caught off guard by an unexpected sight.  The third Sunday in Advent is known as Gaudete Sunday, or, the Sunday of rejoicing. On this Sunday in Advent we turn slightly from the somber repentance that is the Christian's focus while contemplating our Lord's second coming and judgement day, and we rejoice that for those in Christ His second coming brings peace and eternal life. 

So, imagine my surprise then when, adorning the floor area in front of the chancel, I saw three beautiful funeral arrangements. I remembered that the day before the church had held a funeral for a member who just went home to the Lord but, found myself instantly captivated by the sight....and by the irony. In my church the Sunday of rejoicing is not only met with the pink candle on the advent wreath being lit but the entire church bursts forth the decorations of Christmas and, later in the afternoon, the choir shouts forth beautiful hymns of advent in a concert for the entire community. So, there I knelt, staring at two 25 ft tall evergreen trees decked tip to stump in Chrismons and twinkling lights, and...funeral flowers. 

My eyes trailed to the altar and, for some reason, my eyes were caught by the edge of the white altar covering and the pole that holds it in place running through its side. Suddenly my mouth went dry as I thought back to the previous Holy Week and the stripping of the altar. I could still see in my mind Pastor pulling the rod out so the covering could be gently folded up and removed, leaving the altar naked and bare. 

I looked from the flowers to the trees over and over and it hit me, the life of a Christian truly is constant irony. It's black and white, sinner and saint, weeping and laughter, repentance and absolution, Christmas and Good Friday, Good Friday and Easter, death and life. 

Suddenly I loved those funeral flowers. They made a very bold statement that I do not think was intentional on the part of the person who left them. We hold hopeful, expectant vigil as we await our Christmas feasting but on this side of heaven Lent will come once again, as will Good Friday. It will come in our lives too...suffering, sickness, depression, misfortune, destruction, torture, war, death...but there's a reason we adorn caskets with flowers. It's not some kind of departing "thank you" note to the deceased, it's a testimony of life. 

"Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these." (Matthew 6:28-29 ESV)

Those flowers are a testimony of a promise, a declaration of faith. Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ WILL come again, and when He does, He is taking us home. 

I wish I could arrange for there to be funeral flowers on the third Sunday in Advent every single year. Gaudete Sunday was the first Sunday after my Dad's deadly plane crash. I remember thinking then how ironic that was, and yet, how wonderful. We rejoice even in death because Christ is coming for us, and when He does, oh Happy Day!!!

In a Pinterest world

A couple weeks ago I officially joined Pinterest. At least I think I did. As soon as I was done putting in my information and received an email that said something about "congratulations" on joining, well, duty called. My newborn woke up as he blasted breastmilk poop up his back and began squalling the most pathetic cry. I can tell he's the baby of the family right now because he has the "feel sorry for me" cry mastered.

I have not been on Pinterest since. I am sure it is amazing and I am sure it is super helpful and I am even sure it would revolutionize my world. Pinterest would probably solve all my mommy problems, make me the envy of my friends, and make me sparkle and shine.

But the thing is, I am too tired for that. Nor do I have any desire to sparkle. And honestly, this little glowing journal is about the only place I desire to be online these days. It is my little haven in the darkness.

At 3:30 this morning the tiny person who shares our bed decided it was a good time to spray me with breastmilk. It ran down my chest, into my v-neck shirt, and into my sleeping bra where it puddled in all it's warm sliminess. I cringed and reached for the cold wipes to clean myself up while I picked up the baby with the other hand to comfort him and clean him up. I put him on my shoulder to burp him  and the hand that was supporting his bottom felt a wet warmth. I slowly took my hand away, almost afraid to look, and there was a smear of yellow on my hand. I bit my lip, which lately has become raw from all the chewing, and grabbed a diaper and a change of baby clothes. Two diaper changes, 45 minutes of nursing, and three outfit changes later (one for him, two for me), we finally slipped back to sleep.

The greatest part was, I didn't cry from exhaustion and was somehow even able to smile and talk sweetly to my little man as I took care of his needs. I am needed. And he is super cute.

One day my 8 year old son asked me, "Mama? What is the meaning of life? I mean, if we can't stop sinning and be perfect, why does God leave us here instead of just taking us home where we can be perfect and live with Him?"

First I laughed inwardly that my little child could not realize the question he asked probably has more books written on the topic than any other subject and is debated more heavily than perhaps even politics, then I responded simply, "The meaning of life is love. God wants to make us rich in service, rich in our vocation, because when we are rich in service we know love and we know Him because He is love."

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us."
(1 John 4:7-12 ESV)

I have 4 little boys that I am homeschooling and their newborn brother, 1 little baby girl that I watch full time for her working Mama, and 1 giant dog that is nearly as tall as my husband. He really is more of a horse. And he is an indoor dog. And lately I am a lot more careful about going out in public. I suppose I am something of a spectacle. I understand this and I understand the frequent comment, "Do you know what causes that?".  Kids are an insult to our sparkly, dignified, and intense need for a perfectly fake persona. Why do we try so hard to fool ourselves? I suppose it goes back to my 8 year old's question. "What is the meaning of life?"

Look, I don't have kids because it makes me sparkly or because it's fun or because then I can impress you with my Pinterest mothering skills. I understand that we will make you uncomfortable as I walk through the store and perhaps have not showered and my kids are wearing their unmatched outfits they picked out themselves because I was too busy cleaning up the kitchen and running loads of laundry. I am sure it will be a huge inconvenience to your shopping experience if one of the babies starts screaming and I have to scold the toddler or chastise the school age children. I do not have it all together, my kids are real kids with real emotions, I am a real person with real emotions, and I know you are probably thinking that if I just knew what caused this I might stop it already so that I can put myself together more and stop embarrassing myself.

In 9 years I have been pregnant 11 times. Six of those 11 times I have hidden away in my bathroom to shed my blood as my babies went home to the Lord (which also insulted plenty of people). The other five for now are mine. But I cannot stop it. I cannot stop procreation because it is not I who put them there. The Lord has called me to marriage and therefore to a one flesh union in marriage and as a result I receive the fruits of that marriage as He desires to give or not give them. A + B = C. It is God Who calls and God Who gives.

Every day I am rich. I am rich in opportunity to serve and to love. I am rich in my vocation. I go to bed exhausted from head to toe, I have more jobs than I can accomplish in a day...or a week, and I am needed. And in my kids' need for me I am reminded of my need for Christ. When I am frustrated, overwhelmed, alone, and haven't even had opportunity to think of myself in hours or even days, I think on Christ who came to earth without my asking or even knowing that I needed Him in order that He might die, for me, and for all.

My kids need me because they are weak, helpless, often dumb or at least ignorant, and rebellious to anything that is good for them. They choose the worst possible moments to misbehave, act foolish, get sick, and make me face sin in front of everyone I wish I could impress. But, instead, I am left facing my own complete lack of control over not only their sin, but mine. I am left completely broken. But there's a certain freedom in being broken. When you have no one left to impress (and know you never can anyways), all that is left is to live to die to my own desires, to my own selfish ambitions, and to my own desire to be applauded and, by the power of the Holy Spirit, be raised up to serve in His love, mercy, and grace while we wait for His return. Come Soon, Lord Jesus.

Conclusion: The Birth and Why I Jumped Ship on Home Birth

I have to admit, I've been avoiding this place the past couple days. The story was easy to tell. There's something about a story that makes it easy to separate yourself from and feel like a reporter instead. I love simply restating the events in order to remember how it all went down later.

But in the quiet moments that have happened since arriving home: when the baby is asleep, the kids are all down, and my husband is snoring next to me, then I have sat staring at my baby's perfect tiny face and my thoughts have surfaced. I cheated.

I can hear the collective moan across cyber space and I can imagine the comments now. No one wants to hear they cheated. Imagine telling a woman with hyperemesis that she "cheated" to take medication to control her vomiting. Imagine telling a woman who has her baby at home that it's cheating to give birth in the water. Imagine telling a man plowing the field that it's cheating to use modern farm equipment or that it's cheating to ride to work in a vehicle. Cheating the curse.

I cheated the curse.

But....what curse?

"For all who rely on works of the law are under a curse; for it is written, “Cursed be everyone who does not abide by all things written in the Book of the Law, and do them.” Now it is evident that no one is justified before God by the law, for “The righteous shall live by faith.” But the law is not of faith, rather “The one who does them shall live by them.” Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us—for it is written, “Cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree”—so that in Christ Jesus the blessing of Abraham might come to the Gentiles, so that we might receive the promised Spirit through faith." (Galatians 3:10-14 ESV)

Cursed be anyone who relies on the works of the law! Shall I bear my own curse? Shall I convince myself that if I birth alone in pain at home that my birth is somehow more pious and more worthy than a woman who has every pain medication the world can provide? Lord have mercy on those of us who are so trapped in the works of the law in our own mind. 

"Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us."!!! Christ has come, Christ has risen! Christ will come again!

I have to admit, I have walked around the past two weeks so free from post birth emotional trauma that I have actually FORGOTTEN that I gave birth and caught myself still mentally coaching myself on my upcoming birth! Several times in the past two weeks I have gone to take a hot bath to relieve some of the post birth aches and while relaxing deeply in the tub have begun to think on my upcoming birth! I have to laugh each time, out loud, that I could actually forget I have given birth. But I have been trying so very hard to prepare for the birth knowing I was going to have to get through a natural childbirth at home again that it's hard to just turn that off. My birth supplies are still here, untouched. It's weird! So, we finally packed them up and put them in the basement to await the future. 

So, will I ever go back?

I am so glad I do not have to answer that today. With my fourth child I was determined from about the half way point of pregnancy to rock childbirth. I needed it. I craved it. I was like a running addict looking at my next marathon. And one that was not only determined to run, but to win. Maybe that will happen again and I'll be crazy enough to have another home birth. (smile and wink) And I have to admit, the one regret I have is that my children were not with me. The only two home births I have had (my other two were born out of hospital but in other locations than my home) were my first and my third which ended with a near death experience for me and a hospital stay. So, nostalgically, I ached for a "beautiful" home birth in which my kids could gather around me to see their sibling born and we could all revel in the peace and warmth of our home afterwards. 

I shared this with my eldest son when I returned home from the hospital. He is the one we label as being gifted in the area of "human care and compassion". Extremely gifted. So I shared this with him and he gave me a half smile that was also mixed with a measure of little boy grossed-outedness, and he said, "Um, that's OK mom, I didn't really want to hear you yell anyways." I had to laugh out loud. And he's right. For all that mama tries to romanticize it, birth is loud, it's messy, and mama doesn't really want her other kids around her once the baby is out anyways. At least not for more than 5 minutes. 

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if the Lord will bless us with anymore children or if He does, if they will be children that are given to live here or not. I am thankful that this birth resulted in an amazing relationship with my family practice Dr., who aided me in delivering my son, and that she is here to guide me and help me as we navigate what happened at the end of this pregnancy and how that could affect me and any pregnancy in the future. We don't know if the platelet thing is something I have always had, since I never had those drawn in any previous pregnancies, and if it might explain my bleeding troubles. We also don't know if it's something that will get worse with each pregnancy and if it's something that my levels will get lower faster each time. These are things we will know in time and they will help us make wise decisions. 

I do know that I have never felt so at peace post birth, that I have never felt quite this calm and happy. I have jokingly called the epidural I received my "Gospel epidural". 

And I think that's what it all boils down to...why are you making the choice you are making? Is it because it's really what works for you, what you like, and what is best for you or is it because it is earning you righteousness in your own made up laws? When it becomes a matter of pride, something you feel you HAVE to do, are we not joining the ranks of the pharisees? 

I had a hospital birth. I got an epidural. I had a catheter, IV antibiotics, continuous fetal monitoring, tons and tons of IV fluids, and I don't think I have ever laughed so much during labor ever. And that reminds me of one of the most beautiful quotes I have heard in a long time: 

“Whenever the devil harasses you, seek the company of men or drink more, or joke and talk nonsense, or do some other merry thing. Sometimes we must drink more, sport, recreate ourselves, and even sin a little to spite the devil, so that we leave him no place for troubling our consciences with trifles. We are conquered if we try too conscientiously not to sin at all. So when the devil says to you: do not drink, answer him: I will drink, and right freely, just because you tell me not to.”
― Martin Luther

We must cling to law where law really exists, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and love your neighbor as yourself." Though the Christian knows that this law really turns back around to Christ who is the One responsible for granting us the faith with which to accomplish this! And so when we feel burdened, harassed, and weighed down beyond our strength and ability, well, it's time for an epidural. God be praised. 

Oh Give Thanks Unto the Lord For He is Good!

I suppose I should start with a birth announcement. *big smile* Our fifth child was born on Thursday October 30th at 5:07pm. And.....IT'S A BOY!!! We are the proud parents of FIVE little cowboys. He weighed in at 7 lbs 1 oz and was 19 inches long.

The story of his birth is somewhat exhausting to try and write up right now as it was full of the strange and unexpected but I promise to share it soon. But the thing that rings out in my heart is the verse above. Though so many times the week of our son's birth I was certain things were about to spiral out of control into places I did not want to go, the Lord, in His tender mercy, instead led me beside still waters, quieted my soul, and brought me safely to the other side with the most beautiful baby boy in the world.

I can't share his name here, if you know me personally feel free to email me, but his first name means "God has comforted." and his middle name means "God has helped." I think that pretty nicely sums up our journey of the past year and a half. :)

Faith

For the past couple of weeks I have been pondering faith, its source, and the result when faith has its way with our hearts.

 We know from all of the Scripture passages on faith that faith is given not conjured up of ourselves. It is impossible to create except by God alone because it is knowledge of Him, which comes only from Him. We also know that for those IN the faith, grace abounds, even as we literally die and drown every day in our sinful filth through confession and are raised in our Baptism to continue on in love and acts of service.

In light of this I think of parenting my little boys. And the question comes to mind, is the way I parent in line with what we believe about salvation? Does my parenting express that it is the Lord that has saved them and granted faith or that they themselves... Or I myself.. Somehow must work it out?

Unfortunately I think it's so easy to forget and to cling desperately to our own works. For me it plays out when I get angry over their sin and yell and berate them. I tell myself what I'm doing is justified, they deserve it, and it's even good because I must show them their sin and force them into repentance and faith. Surely if I use enough words and reprimand them enough they will turn to God and good works. I get so angry, they so often don't respond the way I want, and then, oh why do I feel so deflated and alone afterwards?

I will never be able to turn them to Christ. Christ alone can do that. I CAN set up rules, enforce them with loving authority, and with calm dignity discipline for disobedience to God's Word. But I have no right to become emotional or angry. I might say, "Oh yes I do! I'm angry because I'm zealous for God!" God does not need you to be zealous for Him. He alone has the right to be angry over sin. We ourselves are just as guilty as our children and their sin should be cause for further repentance on our part.

So we discipline, we repent ourselves, and we keep on in desperate endurance as we await Christ's return. Come quickly Lord Jesus.

10 years

O perfect Love, all human thought transcending,

Lowly we kneel in prayer before Thy throne,

That theirs may be the love which knows no ending,

Whom Thou forevermore dost join in one.

O perfect Life, be Thou their full assurance,

Of tender charity and steadfast faith,

Of patient hope and quiet, brave endurance,

With childlike trust that fears nor pain nor death.

Grant them the joy which brightens earthly sorrow;

Grant them the peace which calms all earthly strife,

And to life’s day the glorious unknown morrow

That dawns upon eternal love and life.

Hear us, O Father, gracious and forgiving,

Through Jesus Christ, Thy coeternal Word,

Who, with the Holy Ghost, by all things living

Now and to endless ages art adored.

O Perfect Love TLH #623

I'm not sure how it happened. I blinked. Well, I suppose moving 9 times in 10 years helped pass the time...and having 11 pregnancies...and three dogs and a bird...and having four awesome little boys in our first 7 years. But here my husband and I are, less than 3 months away from celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary. 

Our wedding was beautiful and perfect. It was perfect because of who I was marrying, and, if I do say so myself, because it was the perfect Lutheran service with beautiful hymnody and preaching. There is no doubt in my mind that my husband was chosen for me from the moment God formed me in my mother's womb. I am his and he is mine. His love for me is never ending and the amount he sacrifices of his own desires to serve me and our children is apparent every single day. He lives to serve me and our children and I live to serve him. We both do this not with our own power but strengthened by the Holy Spirit, constantly fighting against our own sinful whims. But in everything we have the first and most powerful love of our Heavenly Father which is the whole point of marriage anyways: to exemplify and receive intimately Christ's love for His bride, the church. 

By the time we celebrate our anniversary in December we will, God willing, have 5 children here with us and another child that is with us 5 days a week. We have a very active and huge puppy, a bird, and a house on over a half acre with two apple trees and a pear tree. Our home is over 100 years old and I love it, though it needs constant attention that seems to leave us with more of a damage control list than a home improvement list. My husband has been a pastor for five years now and is currently serving a congregation of great size, much larger than anything we ever imagined we would be blessed to serve. This of course means, well, he really should have three of himself, at least, just to do that job alone. 

My husband is also blessed to be earning his doctorate right now. It's a four year program and he has just begun year two. It involves traveling for a week at a time three times a year for intensives on campus in addition to all the papers, reading, and work he must do while home performing his job to his church and family. He will be traveling again before our baby comes and I'm so thankful my mom is coming to help me make it through the week so that I don't die of exhaustion from trying to hold down the house with five kids and a very pregnant belly while home schooling our four children. Sometimes I feel like I need three of me too: one to cook all the meals and snacks and grocery shop and garden/can to keep four boys' tummies full, one to clean, organize, and manage a home and yard this large, and one to homeschool and love on the children. I feel like every day only one of those jobs is able to be done well, or all three only get done part way. 

Earlier this week after a particularly hard day (it was the great clothes swap from spring/summer wardrobe to fall/winter wardrobe-and sizing each child up one-that involves repacking every piece of clothing for the boys' into bins in the basement and then pulling out the new sizes for all the boys while meticulously keeping track of exactly how many pairs of pants, shorts, long sleeve, short sleeve, pajamas, church outfits, and underwear each child can have in order to have room for their clothes in their shared bedroom) my husband and I got into bed and he was very stressed about work and school and home improvements and I was stressed about my inability to do all things well at home and we were both stressed about money and I thought to myself...this is it. This is that point in marriage where marriages either fall apart or intertwine even stronger like a well-weathered rope made nearly stronger from use and time. 

I looked at my husband and he pulled out our Bible reading for the night and then we held hands to pray. His prayer was short and very simple...almost childlike. But it was that way on purpose because after a long day it's good to pray that way I think...and I've only heard him pray like that with me. When he was done we looked at each other and I laughed. I laughed at how simple it all really is, this life. 

What Does the Lord Require?

6 “With what shall I come before the Lord,

and bow myself before God on high?

Shall I come before him with burnt offerings,

with calves a year old?

7 Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams,

with ten thousands of rivers of oil?

Shall I give my firstborn for my transgression,

the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?”

8 He has told you, O man, what is good;

and what does the Lord require of you

but to do justice, and to love kindness,

and to walk humbly with your God?" Micah 6:6-8 ESV

And that is why we can laugh. My husband and I, we are so rich. We are rich in our vocations. Just when we think we can't handle more, God gives us more: more to serve, more to love, more to die for each and every day. The sheer enormity of what my husband and I are responsible for on a day to day basis is downright terrifying some days. But then I laugh because it reminds me of a couple of times in high school when I would go to take a final exam that I could fail and still get an "A" in the class because my grade was high enough. Life is like that: the battle has already been won, the victory is ours, what does God require of you? To do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God. 

And so we love. We will never, ever cross off our to do list. We will never have enough money or enough energy or enough patience or enough kindness or enough of anything. But we have Christ Jesus and He is enough. And so we get up each day, hold hands in prayer, and thank God that one thing we do have enough of is enough forgiveness from Jesus....and enough to keep us busy. :)

The night before my life began.

Planning

I loved school when I was a kid. Nothing excited me more than that back-to-school shopping list and filling my new back pack with all the perfect supplies in all their brand new perfection. I loved perfect college-ruled notebook paper with it's perfect red and blue lines and spiral bound notebooks without a single thing written in them yet. Perfection.

Sigh, then I had to write my name on it. I have awful handwriting. Every one of my teachers cheerfully told me I would make a fantastic Dr one day because of my illegible handwriting. I tried, the Lord knows I tried, but alas, I inherited my father's handwriting instead of my mother's.

So, I don't know if it's the time of year that draws up in me a desire to plan and organize and categorize or if it's the fact that I had an energy burst today or both, but I began to have one of those days where I suddenly felt the need to micro manage the home.

I once bought a book that encouraged planning every 15 minutes of every family member's day for the entire day on a massive wall chart with sticky notes.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

ahem.

But the reality is, micro managing has two major downfalls.

1. It takes away the opportunity for initiative.

Example: A few days ago I was standing in the kitchen and my four year old wandered out into our huge half acre backyard. At first he just wandered around and then I saw him go back into the garage and emerge with the dog poo rake and scooper. I watched him spend about 30 minutes scanning the entire backyard and cleaning up every last pile of dog poop, which was considerable since it had been two days since we had cleaned up. You better believe I went out there when he was done and praised him for his initiative along with rewarding him. And I had to wonder...if that job had been assigned to someone for the day and if he had a list of jobs already assigned to him, would he have done that? Now I am certainly not against giving kids chores, but this gave me a whole new idea of how to manage chores in the home that I'll share later.

2. It forgets that the real moments of life are the interruptions. C.S. Lewis said it best:


“The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's 'own,' or 'real' life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life -- the life God is sending one day by day.”


― C.S. Lewis, The Collected Works of C.S. Lewis

So, my goals now are to focus on the real things and simply use organization as a tool to help only in the areas that really need help. AKA: IF IT'S NOT BROKE, DON'T FIX IT. 

It's so tempting to want to control and perfect, but it's never going to be perfect and, really, I think it's such  a joy stealer to see life's work as something that needs perfecting and controlling instead of viewing it as something that can constantly remind us of Christ. Example:

Laundry. (I can hear the collective groan right now throughout cyber space.) IT. NEVER. ENDS. EVER. This reminds me that all of creation tends towards the fall. But the redundancy of our work humbles us. In the drudgery, in the relentlessness, in the dirt, we may sigh, but we don't sigh as those that do not have a release. I need to put a crucifix over my washer and dryer so I can see in the drudgery my glorious release. Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again. 

So, as I sat at the table today so tempted to begin the micro managing that makes me feel more perfect and makes me feel like maybe, maybe this time I will be able to control this mess that is our sinful world and life, I looked at the crucifix over our kitchen table and lectured myself, "only fix what really needs fixing"..and even that is such meager attempts. And yet, I feel pretty proud of the managing that has worked out!

So the planning I did accomplish was for our school year. My 2 year old will begin learning his letters and numbers and already knows his colors. My 4 year old will begin "4K" at home and we are using Rod and Staff's ABCDEFG books. I'm also using "Beginning Reading at Home" which is an old, out-of-print set of 10 kits that introduces letters and words in a multi-sensory way. My 6 year old will be using the "Beginning Reading at Home" as well as our CLE readers and for math will be using Singapore math. And my 8 year old will be using Singapore math, finishing his CLE readers, Story of the World, Apologia Science, and Spelling Power. We are not doing any further work in Language Arts this year because next year we will be using Classical Writing's upper level books...the primers just seem too much a waste of time. I really want him to focus on lots and lots of free time reading to get him reading proficiently enough to tackle Classical Writing and Latin next fall. 

The way I play to get through all of this each day is as follows:

Every day we will do: 

Morning: Catechism/Bible/Hymn study with all, 15-20 min per child of math instruction.

Afternoon: 15 min per child of reading instruction

In addition:

Monday: Writing for 8 year old (whatever I assign, no curriculum). 

Tuesday: History for 8 yr old: Story of the World

Wednesday: Science for 8 yr old: Apologia

Thursday: Piano. He practices every day but Thursday he will practice double the time. 

Friday: Dad's day off. 

And that's it. We keep it as minimal as possible so that the rest of the day learning can flow from all the interesting things we do, see, and talk about. And, if at breakfast someone asks a question that flows into a rabbit trail of learning as often happens with curious little boys, well, so be it. 

My comfort, when we don't stick to curriculum, comes in a handy print-out for each child's grade from wordbook.com that gives a list subject by subject of each thing they should know by the end of the year. Whenever I begin to worry whether my kids are actually learning I begin to go down the list for each child and see how ahead they actually are. This also allows me to watch for gaps or areas I wouldn't think to cover. 

I've also been doing some further planning in the area of chores and housework and meals/cooking but I'll save that for another day. :)

Mr. President

A couple months ago our family brought home a new member, a white German Shepherd named Harrison. Pretty cute, no?

Harrison has been a constant source of stress and frustration. He's a money drain too. Honestly I'm not sure one thing this dog is supposed to bring to our family. An alarm system would be cheaper, WAY cheaper, security wise.

Then, yesterday, I was walking through the backyard and something caught my eye. I almost threw up in disgust. There, in the middle of a pile of dog poop, was a large white worm. WHITE. A roundworm. I spent the rest of the day panicking as I read about the dangers of roundworms in dogs to children and pregnant women. That explains his recent loss of appetite and diarrhea bouts all night long that have required me to get up often twice a night and take him outside between going to the restroom myself. We now have to spent even more time and effort into protecting ourselves, our yard, and our home from these invaders in our dog. (Don't worry, I know how to handle it.)

Why did we get him? Why should we keep him? What is his value or worth? What were we thinking opening our family to him?

[15] We ourselves are Jews by birth and not Gentile sinners; [16] yet we know that a person is not justified by works of the law but through faith in Jesus Christ, so we also have believed in Christ Jesus, in order to be justified by faith in Christ and not by works of the law, because by works of the law no one will be justified. (Galatians 2:15-16, ESV) (emphasis mine)

I wonder if the Jewish Christians felt this way when Christ let it be known that He had died not only for the Jew, but also for the Gentile sinner. I wonder if the Jews were disgusted. I wonder if they felt repulsed by the extra work and struggled against opening their faith to such a "sinful" people, to such lawless people...people that were never part of the exile into the desert or the exile into Babylon. People that had not suffered and wandered and had their heritage. And suddenly salvation unto them has come by God's free grace and favor. 

Sigh. 

So, Mr. President stays. He is pretty cute, after all. He's stupidly happy and you should see him when the water hose is on. I'm still not sure what he will add to our family and what all this money spent will do for us, but, sometimes it just has to cease to be about money or us. We certainly won't win any brownie points with God just for welcoming a stupid dog into our house. It's not like we did something noble like adopt a child. So it's not even a salvific good work. huh. What a waste. 

But he stays. 

May we stay too. Always. Christ keep us. 

Salvation unto us has come

By God’s free grace and favor;

Good works cannot avert our doom,

They help and save us never.

Faith looks to Jesus Christ alone,

Who did for all the world atone;

He is our one Redeemer.


What God did in His law demand

And none to Him could render

Caused wrath and woe on every hand

For man, the vile offender.

Our flesh has not those pure desires

The spirit of the Law requires,

And lost is our condition.



It was a false, misleading dream

That God His Law had given

So sinners could themselves redeem

And by their works gain Heaven.

The Law is but a mirror bright

To bring the inbred sin to light

That lurks within our nature.


From sin our flesh could not abstain

Sin held its sway unceasing;

The task was useless and in vain,

Our guilt was e’er increasing.

None can remove sin’s poisoned dart

Or purify our guileful heart—

So deep is our corruption.


Yet as the Law must be fulfilled

Or we must die despairing,

Christ came and hath God’s anger stilled,

Our human nature sharing.

He hath for us the Law obeyed

And thus the Father’s vengeance stayed

Which over us impended.


Since Christ hath full atonement made

And brought us to salvation,

Each Christian therefore may be glad

And build on this foundation.

Thy grace alone, dear Lord, I plead,

Thy death is now my life indeed,

For Thou hast paid my ransom.



Let me not doubt, but trust in Thee,

Thy Word cannot be broken;

Thy call rings out, “Come unto Me!”

No falsehood hast Thou spoken.

Baptized into Thy precious Name,

My faith cannot be put to shame,

And I shall never perish.


The Law reveals the guilt of sin

And makes men conscience-stricken;

The Gospel then doth enter in

The sinful soul to quicken.

Come to the cross, trust Christ, and live;

The Law no peace can ever give,

No comfort and no blessing.



Faith clings to Jesus’ cross alone

And rests in Him unceasing;

And by its fruits true faith is known,

With love and hope increasing.

Yet faith alone doth justify,

Works serve thy neighbor and supply

The proof that faith is living.


All blessing, honor, thanks, and praise

To Father, Son, and Spirit,

The God that saved us by His grace—

All glory to His merit!

O Triune God in Heav’n above,

Who hast revealed Thy saving love,

Thy blessèd Name be hallowed.

Salvation Unto Us Has Come, LSB #555

The whole world's going crazy...

...but not in here.  Soli Deo Gloria

Your Sorrow Will Turn into Joy

[16] “A little while, and you will see me no longer; and again a little while, and you will see me.” [17] So some of his disciples said to one another, “What is this that he says to us, ‘A little while, and you will not see me, and again a little while, and you will see me’; and, ‘because I am going to the Father’?” [18] So they were saying, “What does he mean by ‘a little while’? We do not know what he is talking about.” [19] Jesus knew that they wanted to ask him, so he said to them, “Is this what you are asking yourselves, what I meant by saying, ‘A little while and you will not see me, and again a little while and you will see me’? [20] Truly, truly, I say to you, you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice. You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn into joy. [21] When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world. [22] So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you. (John 16:16-22 ESV)

The Darkness Deepens: And why that's OK.

In the past few months I've come under a lot of ridicule for the title of my blog. I was confronted rather harshly by a couple of loved ones and it sometimes still confounds me.

Today was a bad day. I woke up to two of my children rowdily getting out of bed (which they are not allowed to do) and thus awakening their baby brother who was in his big boy bed for his very first night. They woke him-and me- up an hour before we are accustomed to getting up. But because baby boy was awake I had to hop out of bed and get up there because he also just potty trained and I needed to get his night time diaper off so he could use the potty. Within the span of an hour I dealt with about 5 meltdowns from over-tired children, a dog that was insisting on trying to dig holes in the yard and eat his own poop, a few huge spills (two of which were the dog and included him grabbing a full cup of smoothie and tossing it up into the air where it hit the wall and splattered all over himself, the wall, and the floor and the other of which was a half drank bottle of kefir, which he enjoyed immensely). By the time my husband got up I wanted to sob and was so tired I didn't know what to do with myself.

This evening my husband left for church and I sent the children upstairs to play. I read an article that I had seen linked to and had been wanting to check out because I'm always up for a good lashing that will remind me how selfish I am so I can try to repent more, be better, and therefore attain piety.....um, what? Yea, don't deny it, you know you are too:

http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/the-me-monster/

Thankfully I'm getting better at spotting these types of articles for what they are and turning to what Scripture actually says.

About the only thing I found truly helpful about the above link was the very last recommendation to counter one's own thoughts with God's Word. But my passages would look far different from hers. See how she beats herself down with more law? Law for law. She shares in depth a very deep and very hard personal struggle to the Law and how she was about nearly crushed from her need to find perceived perfection in the Amish faith and then how does she say she came out of it? Here was her before:

"What about me? I am tired! Furthermore, I want to raise my kids Amish; my husband won’t allow me to do this; what about my dreams? What about how I feel? They are my kids too! I have been through so much. I, I, I, and what about me, me, me” (notice the “ME” monster). That was my sin. Depression is selfish. When you are depressed, you are only thinking about yourself—about poor and unfortunate ME. I was seeking my own. "

And here is her solution to this problem:

"Once I got my focus off myself and onto what my purpose was, and onto Christ, it really made me get better. I had to start realizing that things could be worse. I had to start seeing things differently. I was really bad.....I want to be patient, to endure the hard times, and understand God’s perfect will and timing in the lives of others."

Hmmm....Do you see the problem here? I don't see any loss of the "me monster" she claims to have found to solve her problem.

My dear sisters, you cannot rid yourself of the "me monster". You simply cannot. You cannot stop hurting, you cannot stop muddling through the diapers and the laundry and the filth and the hardships...they (the hurting, the selfishness, the desire to be free from our burdens and sins) just aren't going to go away. They just aren't. The low pressure weather systems with the storms building up behind them kind of days that depress us (or at least me) are still going to come, the news is still going to show the insanity going on around the world that leads us to stare in horror and go, "What the hell?", and we are still going to yell sometimes, be as selfish as the naughtiest 2 year old sometimes, and just not have the energy to do more than throw sugar laden junk at our kids to get them to SIT DOWN AND BE QUIET sometimes. 

So what does God's Word say to us? Sisters, the secret when going through God's Word is not to apply law to law. Oh yes, those passages the author of the article shared are God's Inspired Word but did you see their context? Those passages are not written in the context of applying to the hurting, the broken, the law-sick person. Read through the entire Bible and you see that God never changes: He applies law to the unrepentant haters of God and GOSPEL to the hurting, despairing, but faith filled believers in Christ..So read these:

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, 7 casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you. 8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.9 Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. 10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. 11 To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 5:6-11 (emphasis mine)

"[13] Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. [14] For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. [15] For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. [16] Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. [17] So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. [18] For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. [19] For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. [20] Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. [21] So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. [22] For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, [23] but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. [24] Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? [25] Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. "(Romans 7:13-25 ESV)

"Some went down to the sea in ships,

doing business on the great waters;

24 they saw the deeds of the Lord,

his wondrous works in the deep.

25 For he commanded and raised the stormy wind,

which lifted up the waves of the sea.

26 They mounted up to heaven; they went down to the depths;

their courage melted away in their evil plight;

27 they reeled and staggered like drunken men

and were at their wits' end.

28 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,

and he delivered them from their distress.

29 He made the storm be still,

and the waves of the sea were hushed.

30 Then they were glad that the waters were quiet,

and he brought them to their desired haven." Psalm 107:23-30

Christ has died, Christ is Risen, Christ will come again. And HE will lift you up in due time. And in the mean time we keep on asking our children to forgive us, we forgive as we have been forgiven, and we drag our weary souls where He promises to be: His Word and His Body and Blood, and in the remembrance of our Baptisms. There we find strength for our souls and the courage to keep moving. He IS coming indeed! If there is one thing I hope my children learn from me it is that life is like the above Psalm. We will stagger and fall and be at our wits' end...but Jesus comes, He always comes. I hope my children always know we cannot save ourselves and we can never be good enough, Mommy certainly is not, but we are LOVED, we are FORGIVEN, and Christ gives us His Very Self and does not leave us as orphans. We are His, bought with His Blood, and it's OK to be sad, it's OK to have bad days, we forgive and keep on moving in Christ's help and Christ's joy. 

Peace be with you and Christ keep you.

Growing pains

I remember as a child when I would randomly get pains in my legs. They would be achy and crampy and feel just awful. My parents would tell me they were "growing pains" and that I should eat more bananas. I wonder how many bananas they got me to consume throughout the years from growing pains. *smile* Of course I know they were honestly hoping the potassium would help, but it still makes me chuckle to think of stuffing my face with bananas in hopes the pain would go away.

I wish there was a solution as simple as bananas for every parenting conundrum. This makes this post sound like I'm struggling with a particular child but I'm not. Instead, my children are growing, changing, and becoming complicated individuals with thoughts, ideas, and views on what they have been taught and what they see in the world/individuals around them and in some ways it's thrilling, in some ways it's terrifying.

This journey of home schooling has been the craziest ride of my life. Well, other than venturing off to a city unknown over a thousand miles away from home after my dad died for college. Well, and maybe having all my babies at home with no drugs. ;) I think those three tie.

But this journey is scary, humbling, never ending (it seems), exhausting...and yet the most rewarding journey I could ask for. It is rewarding because I am starting to see that by home schooling them I am not depriving them, I am opening up the entire world to them. I am also opening up the entire world to myself. And some days, I'm not sure I like what I find. And that makes me want to fold my children into the protective and controlled and scheduled environment of school. And yet, we all know that especially today there is no such environment in those institutions. Besides, though I may not like what I find and though I may feel challenged and stretched and confused and uneducated when I open up myself and my children to the vast world around us, how will I ever show them how to be courageous and strong and capable young men if we can't even be brave enough to step out?

I am reading some new books and new ideas that challenge me and scare me. They call into question things I was taught in school and ways I understood the world and our own country and government. I am thankful that at the end of the day, regardless of what the world really is and what our country really is, Christ is before and over and in all.

And when the day is done, my husband and I hear God's Word, pray, and I am so thankful that as long as our home is full of Christ and His love, there is nothing better in all the world that we could give our children.

Food, Facebook, and Family

Recently I was listening to THIS. Actually, I have listened to it more than once. And one of the things that has stayed with me the most from this talk was something Pr. Weedon said in the second video, about 5 minutes and 30 seconds in.  He says the process of theosis (divinization) is about God taking things away from you. It's not about your own "upward" progress as a Christian, but it is about God's taking things away from you one by one by one and in that taking away, causing you to realize that HE is enough. And then, lastly, He takes away your breath. But even then, He is enough.

Isn't that beautiful?!? Seriously, that is the most beautiful confession of the true Christian faith I have ever heard in my entire life. I want it painted around the top of my family's living room where I have to read it every single day.

Hearing Pastor Weedon's confession was like a slap in the face to several of my false gods that we all have and led me to repent of some of my unconfessed sins/temptations that I did not realize I had. It also allowed me to have peace in some areas of my life that have haunted me.

The first area is food. A friend of mine that finally became a face to face friend when I met her this week, after years of having mutual friends and being friends online, introduced me to a new term this week called orthorexia nervosa. Orthorexia is an eating disorder characterized by an unhealthy preoccupation with food that one perceives to be "unhealthy"......

Um...can we say 99.9% of American culture?

Americans ARE OBSESSED with food. Don't believe me? Head to any of the news websites or take a walk to the check out counter. How many articles will you find with all sorts of self proclaimed experts telling you what is truly "healthy" for you and what is not? And, after 9 years of thinking that in order to be a good mom and wife I had to figure out exactly how to be perfect with food I. AM. DONE.

Do you want to know the biggest most dangerous reason we, as Christians, need to let go of this food obsession once and for all?

The devil has us right where he wants us. He wants to disguise sin's effects on our sinful flesh and our need for Christ and have us call it something other than sin. How does he do this? By making you think your aunt has cancer because she didn't eat an all organic diet free from all gmo's. By making you think your baby has eczema because you didn't follow a paleo diet while pregnant/nursing. By making you think your sister is obese because she eats wheat.

Do you know why we have cancer, eczema, obesity and every other human flesh failure? BECAUSE. WE. ARE. FALLEN.  That's it. We are fallen. We are infected with sin. We cannot save ourselves. Friends, you can go ahead and try. You can sprout your grains, soak them, sing to them. You can buy all non-gmo, all organic, heck grow all your own everything. You can take fermented cod liver oil with butter oil, drink all fresh spring water in stainless steel or glass water bottles, and refuse all sugar, grains, and legumes. WHATEVER. But I'm so sorry to tell you, it won't heal you. You will still get sick. you may even get cancer, or eczema, or even still struggle with obesity. You might still feel fatigued, still struggle with insomnia, or still have acne. Yes, God gives us wisdom to make choices that could make a difference in our health temporarily and help ease certain ailments. This is wonderful! But...

The devil delights in his distraction tactic. He wants us to call sin something else, to take control of as many areas of our lives as we can and say, "oh, this isn't a spiritual thing, this has nothing to do with church and God, this is a physical thing, something I CAN CONTROL (WHOOOPPEEEEE!!!!!!)" And suddenly we do our devotions hurriedly in the morning, grouching the whole way through in our heart, because of the stress of wondering how we will be perfect enough to cure our son or self or sister today. And eventually where is our need for Christ?

Enough. It is enough. Look to Christ. Feed your family what you have and what you are able and let it go. Stop reading articles, stop listening to the panic, refuse to make food your god.  Food will not heal you, save you, nor add one day to your life. Honor the body God gave you by not pouring things into it in gluttony as God's Word tells us is wicked, but do not grant God's healing powers nor His salvific work to your food.

The next area Weedon's quote convicted me was facebook. The food issue leads into the facebook issue in the way that having SO MUCH input into my life on a daily basis was not only overwhelmingly distracting from my own family and vocation making me see so many things I didn't need to be adding to my day, but, it also, I have realized, really really hurts the relationships in my life. I am afraid to see what relationships will be like for the world in 10-20 years. And I wonder how many of our grown up youth will be depressed, on drugs, or who knows what because their relationships are reduced to a glowing screen that does not hug them, talk to them, or love them. Mothers, sisters, brothers, friends, you can't trade a "like" for love. For real relationships. For life. We are all going to be reduced to hermits living with our glowing screens and not experiencing the world and complexity of true human interaction if we don't wake up. I decided this time to not delete my account completely like I did October of last year for 8 months because like it or not, most email and several event notifications happen through facebook. I have pregnant friends that will post the first announcement of a birth with a picture on facebook. And I want to be able to call or send a card to rejoice with them when word gets out. But I will no longer be posting my own updates unless it is something like a birth announcement. If I have the urge to post something, a picture, a funny happening, a thought, I'm going to either share it with my immediately family/friends around me that day or I will call some friend or family member far away to share it with them. Because that is how we actually deepen our relationships. That is how we show we care. That is how we show real human decency instead of turning into a bunch of robots.

And, like the food issue, the facebook issue feeds right into the family issue. As I have mentioned before, I grew up in a home broken several times over. When I was being raised in public school where many friends had divorced parents, it didn't seem like a big deal to me. My church didn't make a big deal out of it either. And I remember thinking, what's the big deal, I have two Christmases! Two birthdays! Two houses I can switch between if one is annoying me! ....

It is a big deal. It is only now that I'm an adult with a whole home and a Godly marriage that I have been able to grapple with the brokenness I grew up with and my parents and step parents went through. It breaks my heart for them and for me and my siblings. It has also bothered me more and more as I have had so many friendships deepen with so many amazing Pastor's wife friends who come from amazing Christian families. Are we all sinners? Of course, but there's a difference between sinners that live out their entire lives in fear and love of God in a church that takes very seriously how Christian parents will raise their children (and parents who take that seriously enough to vow it to death), confronting them with God's Word and private confession/absolution when they err, and sinners that live out their lives breaking themselves away from God, divorcing their homes and their children from a Godly life by their choices, and calling it OK because "xyz".

I am not seeking to place blame here. In all of these ponderings, I am so very grateful for the way God has kept me. My mom and dad faithfully brought me to the font of Holy Baptism at less than two weeks old and saw to it, along with my step mom, that I was raised faithfully in the church. But as I grappled with anger and confusion over the continuing deterioration of my family as my Dad died and all of my siblings left for other Christian denominations or left the church at times, I struggled to not be one of those people that grows up to become angry and rebellious about their upbringing and despairing over how I would see to it that my own family was raised in a God pleasing way when I had so little left on the home front. I want to honor my family and be grateful to God for the way He provided. And I am. But the answer was found in Weedon's quote and the realizations about food and facebook. First, we have to call things what they are, be honest about the sin we experienced, forgive as we have been forgiven, and where there is unrepentance in others, use it as an opportunity to pray for them and continue to live in repentance ourselves. Second, to seek out my true vocation in my life NOW, not what it used to be, not what I wish it was, but what it is now, and to make the most I can out of the relationships God has actually given me to nurture NOW.

"God has assuredly promised His grace to the humble (1Peter 5:5), that is, to those who lament and despair of themselves. But no man can be thoroughly humbled until he knows that his salvation is utterly beyond his own powers, devices, endeavors, will, and works, and depends entirely on the choice, will, and work of another, namely, of God alone. For as long as he is persuaded that he himself can do even the least thing toward his salvation, he retains some self-confidence and does not altogether despair of himself, and therefore he is not humbled before God, but presumes that there is-or at least hopes or desires that there may be- some place, time, and work for him, by which he may at length attain to salvation. But when a man has no doubt that everything depends on the will of God, then he completely despairs of himself and chooses nothing for himself, but waits for God to work; then he has come close to grace, and can be saved." -Martin Luther

1. Soul, adorn thyself with gladness,
Leave behind all gloom and sadness;
Come into the daylight's splendor,
There with joy thy praises render
Unto Him whose grace unbounded
Hath this woundrous supper founded.
High o'er all the heavens He reigneth,
Yet to dwell with thee He deigneth.

2. Hasten as a bride to meet Him
And with loving reverence greet Him;
For with words of life immortal
Now He knocketh at thy portal.
Haste to open the gates before Him,
Saying, while thou dost adore Him,
Suffer, Lord, that I receive Thee,
And I nevermore will leave Thee.   -LSB 635

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for giving us your very self through the doorposts of our mouths that through your precious Body and Blood we may be strengthened in our faith to remain faithful unto death.

Shattered

One of the last meaningful conversations I had with my father took place about two weeks before he died. I was up late, as I was every night my senior year of high school, and my dad had gotten home from who knows where (he was always out on business as the owner of a law firm). He looked so weary. He looked sad, tired, troubled. I hate that look on anyone, but most of all at that age I hated it on my father. I adored him and when he was happy, everything felt right and secure.

"Daddy what's wrong?"

"Nothing sweetie-doodle, how was your day?"

"Fine. Daddy you look so sad. You can tell me you know, I'm not a baby." (ha)

I don't want to try and quote the rest of the talk because I know 13 years out I won't do it justice but he told me he was tired, that work was getting him down, that his heart felt heavy and out of place. He told me he wanted to be a pastor. I was so shocked by this admittance that I jumped up and said "Do it!!!" Now I can laugh at my juvenile behavior back then, as if my Dad could have just dumped his law firm and moved off to seminary with all the cases he managed and the four children he still supported. He smiled at my support and said, "maybe one day".

But less than two weeks later, his Pastor, Shepherd, and Savior was pastoring HIM. He was finally home.

Today I laid down on the couch, after depositing each kid in a separate room for a mandatory quiet time, and after thinking through several of the day's struggles and trials we are going through right now I felt that same look on my face that my Dad had that night so long ago. Suddenly it was like he was in the room. His memory was so strong it made my throat swell and I said in a whisper "Daddy, I miss you so much." I swallowed so I wouldn't cry but then just sighed. No wonder he looked so tired and sad...being a grown up is just miserable sometimes. In a way it made everything feel a lot more stable than ever before because there wasn't something horribly wrong for him to feel that way. I don't know why as I kid I felt like my world was so unstable any time he was upset. Now I can chuckle and even feel like my world is a lot more stable. He survived, well, I guess he didn't...forgive my morbid humor, but I suppose that's the best part. Being an adult DOES suck, it's hard, lonely, scary, and so ad-lib. But, we just keep putting one foot in front of the other because our release will come. In the mean time, I hope I can live with grace, love, joy, laughter, and wisdom to raise these boys God has entrusted to me so far. All of my childhood views of what adulthood would be like are long shattered and gone, but I think the reality that tries us and humbles us also makes us all the more able to serve and see our need for Christ.

Whom do you serve?

"Mama, were they the good guys or the bad guys?"

"What?" I asked. (more to give myself a chance to think than because I didn't hear him)

"Were they the good guys or the bad guys?"

The question came from my 8 year old son as we discussed two military groups who were at war with one another. One of the military groups happened to be that of the United States of America.

I paused as I felt the inner turmoil of the answer I knew I had heard numerous times and the answer I knew was correct because of my faith. I went with the latter.

"Son? Are you a sinner?"

"Yes."

"Are all men sinners?"

"Yes."

"Are all men wicked...bad?"

He paused thoughtfully..."yes".

"So which side is the 'good guys'?"

"Neither?"

"That's right, son. War is wicked. God alone has the right to wage justice on the wicked. He has given authority to government leaders to rule earthly kingdoms but that does not mean that war is ever good. All killing and all war is evidence of the effects of sin and of our fallen status before God. It should grieve us. But even further, the only just war is the war fought in immediate self defense."

This conversation took place the week leading up to Memorial Day. It really got me thinking and meditating on all the things I have learned since leaving my upbringing in the institutionalized schools of our country and learning to really ask questions and scrutinize our country and its claims. There are so many things to be thankful for in this country, so many things to be proud of and happy about...but there are also so many things to be worried about, grieved over, and angry about.

So as Memorial day drew close, I began to see the articles and the facebook pictures and statuses praising our fallen heros. Again I felt that tug between the phrases that had been implanted in me as a child in government schools and what I knew to be true according to God's Word. You know the phrases, "These men fought so we could be free." "Freedom isn't free." "He gave his life so you could enjoy yours." And on and on and on.

I would never question the amazing sacrifice a man or woman makes to leave their family to join the military.

I would never question the terror of a man or woman losing their life or their limbs/health in combat.

I would never question the bravery of a man or woman leaving home for another country, entering territories unknown to carry out missions too scary for my wildest dreams.

I do not question the heart and desire of a man or woman to defend their beloved country home and the thankfulness in their heart with which they do this. 

But my question is...did not Hitler's men do the same things? Hear me out. My son was once given a book about the WWII German battleship, The Bismark. He was so excited to read through it with my husband. The story went in depth to the men who gave their lives when the battleship was sunk and those who survived. The most riveting thing about the book was how...kind...how....honoroable...how...human...those men were. As I read it I felt sick. These men had families, they had lives they left behind, they fought with the same desire to protect the country they loved from the threats they were told existed. These men also did not know Hitler personally, nor did they have any idea about the concentration camps.

But fast forward to today and if you met a Nazi soldier would you not turn your face in horror? Does not the very word make you cringe?

All men are evil.

And this brings me to my concern. My son is hearing about war, sees our soldiers dressed in uniform and the praise given them and my question is...who do these men fight for? WHAT are they fighting for? Oh sure, we know what happened on Sept. 11, 2001, but everything since then has been a strange blur of information, misinformation, confusion, blame casting, lies...and it makes me wonder...how many of our wars are truly just?

"They are fighting for our freedom."

Which freedom?

Who is their leader? Is he honorable? Are his motives honorable? Who is he really? Who are we really? What are our leaders goals?

And, if he is not honorable, if his motives are not honorable, if his ambitions are not honorable...then what does that say about the lives of these men and women who are fighting for him, for his administration? Most of these men and women, even if we had a full blown Hitler situation going on, would not know it. They are given orders and they fulfill them to the best of their ability. They do it because it's their job, because they love their country, because they desire to keep us safe....

But what are we to believe as Christians? Whom do we serve? What is the meaning and purpose of our earthly life? To whom belongs glory and honor? Is it to the man who leaves behind his wife and children to care for themselves while he carries out the orders of a non Christian man in combat when he doesn't fully understand the true motives?

I don't know. I do not pretend to have the answers. But I am not afraid to ask the hard questions. And I am tired of being a robot that repeats things that everyone else repeats simply because it was drilled into me as a child. We have to think for ourselves with Holy Scripture and our Pastors as our guide. Because, my brothers and sisters in Christ, the darkness truly is deepening. Whom do we serve? To whom belongs the glory?

One day at a time

I've been kind of avoiding this place lately. I'm not sure why. With spring and now summer like weather I have been very busy outside. I planted a large garden in early spring in a small greenhouse we set up and last weekend my husband and I spent the entire weekend taking the greenhouse down, tilling, planting, laying straw, building a fence around it, etc. It was a ton of work but so rewarding. I now have about 25 tomato plants growing (roma mostly) so that come harvest I can process and can salsa, home made ketchup, and spaghetti sauce. We eat a lot of all three so I want it to be home made and cheap!

We also re-landscaped our entire front garden. When we moved in 2 1/2 years ago, the garden had three MASSIVE shrubs and some bulbs that came up each year. Last summer we removed the largest shrub...with our van. We're cool like that. Then a few weeks ago my husband and his brother removed the other two with an ax and man muscle. So over the last few weeks I have planted over 50 bulbs around our 3/4 of an acre, most of them in the front garden, and we also planted two magnolia trees in the front and I laid about 20 bags of mulch. I'm pretty proud I've done all of this work while also being in the first and beginning of my second trimesters.

Today I spent the entire day out pulling weeds, tending my garden, and then I surprised my husband and seriously deep cleaned our garage and reorganized it. All of this I did by myself!

A lot of people have asked me if, now that I'm 16 weeks along, I am able to breathe easy and know everything will be OK with this baby. I can't help but laugh and sigh all at once. A dear friend of mine lost her baby at 38+ weeks. Even before my long run of losses, I was never the same after that. Of course now it runs much deeper but I do not think I will ever feel the same about pregnancy again. I will always until I am, God willing, able to hold the baby in my arms, be aware that at any moment the Lord could call my baby home. This is sobering, scary, gives me nightmares that I'm waking up hemorrhaging as I miscarry...and yet, those are just bad moments. I've had enough suffering in the last year plus to know that suffering is just suffering. Bad moments are just bad moments. Death is just death, but only because Jesus took what sin and the devil meant for our permanent destruction and swallowed it up with His own death.

Christ Jesus lay in death's strong bands,
For our offenses given.
But now at God's right hand He stands,
and brings us life from heaven.
Therefore let us joyful be,
and sing to God right thankfully,
loud sonds of Alleluia, Alleluia!

It was a strange and dreadful strife,
when life and death contended;
The victory remained with life,
the reign of death was ended.
Holy Scripture plainly saith,
that death is swallowed up by death
It's sting is lost forever,
Alleluia!

I don't know what the future holds. I am so thankful for this rest from loss but I know that even if the Lord were to call this baby home, He would sustain me and my family. But for now we are able to rejoice and thank God for this miracle, praying fervently for this child's baptismal day to come in due time and that this child and the rest of our children will be sustained and granted earthly lives full of joy in their service to Christ and His church.