As I have more kids I'm getting better at analyzing my parenting methods and seeing patterns in my parenting, both good and bad. And one thing I've noticed is that my second and third boys had a VERY hard time starting around 1 1/2 until age four. Tantrums, clinginess, refusal to talk to people outside the immediate family, etc. Now I know some of this is normal for that age and certain kids have harder times in those toddler years, and we take child training very seriously. I know we can always do better and be more consistent but we do our best.
But I've been really pondering and praying for wisdom in parenting the 1 year old. We cosleep when our babies are born and I nurse on cue for the most part, though I do usually have them on a decent 3-4 hour window by 3 months. By 3-4 months my babies self soothe to sleep in a cosleeper attached to our bed for naps and bed time and are on regular nap and bed time schedules. By 9-10 months I move them to their own room where they happily go to sleep. I still nurse during the night when they awaken but begin to try and let them self soothe back to sleep if they will to try and get them to sleep through the night. I hold my babies a ton in the first year of life (almost exclusively the first 4 months) and often use a sling.
But the problem starts at a year when I get pregnant again. I'm nauseous, tired, and my mama hormones are telling me it's time to...for lack of a better way of saying it, get the baby out of the nest. I begin to get irritated when the baby wants to be held and acts like a baby. It's harder to hold him because they get heavy and I'm tired of carrying him around all day. My patience wears thin and I long for them to just grow up and play happily like their siblings so I can prepare for the next baby.
And today I was convicted of my selfishness and realized how my behavior could be part of the reason my 2nd and 3rd kids have had a harder time...they were attached to me and suddenly I was pushing them away. (My first didn't become a big brother until he was over 2 and due to our living circumstances then he was in a crib in our room until he was 2 1/2.) I can already tell my 15 mo old is getting clingy with my recent behavior of getting irritated with him and trying to not be around him as much. He has started hitting me too, which of course I correct, but I can tell he's trying to get my attention.
So what do you do? Is it normal to feel like you want to begin pushing the baby out of the nest after a year? How do you do it without being too drastic and making them feel like they are scared and uncared for? I know my 3 yr old had a very hard time when he became a big brother at 22 months. He's such a good boy and wouldn't say it but we had a baby and moved across the country and I tolerated NOTHING from him. Since then he and I have come a long way in retying our strings of fellowship and he's my little buddy again. But I don't want that to happen again. How can I get the rest I need and help him (my 15 mo old) to become more independent without making him feel insecure?
I ache as I read this. Ache that you are in a position where you feel the need to help a 15 month old become more independent. I am an older mom. I deeply respect your decision to welcome all babes that are brought to your womb - and yet must the older ones bear responsibility for behavior that is intrinsically not within their emotional make up at 15 months? How you resolve this I do not know. Can you bring a teen from church in to have some dedicated time with the wee ones so that you can rest and be restored to provide the significant nurture that the 15 month old needs? The nest must be big enough for the other wee ones for them to have that touchstone so important to their real leave taking when they start to dip that toe into the big old world.
ReplyDelete:) It's sweet you worry but you don't need to worry Phyllis, I'm not talking about sending him off to college ;) I just am searching for practical advice on making sure he gets enough mommy time while also finding ways to keep him happy without me 24-7.
ReplyDeleteI posted this on a forum of mommies of many little ones and have gotten some great advice. Today I wore him in a carrier on my back which left my hands free for getting jobs done and kept him close which made him happy. Another mom said she always notices her babies take a step back when they begin walking just suddenly getting more clingy. This makes sense too. I assure you my 15 month old gets cuddles all day long..if not from me then from his doting 7 yr old brother. He is not "bearing responsibility" as you say, but instead he, like all Christians, is learning to become aware of others and their needs while we practice the same thing. I seek to serve him more and he is learning to see outside of himself, even at 15 months.