"Some went down to the sea in ships, doing business on the great waters; they saw the deeds of the Lord, His wondrous works in the deep. For he commanded and raised the stormy wind, which lifted up the waves of the sea. They mounted up to heaven; they went down to the depths; their courage melted away in their evil plight;
they reeled and staggered like drunken men and were at their wits' end. Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them from their distress. He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and he brought them to their desired haven." Psalm 107:23-30

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Salt in the Wound

Today a neighbor boy, who also happens to be a member of the homeschool group our family belongs to, announced that his Mama is pregnant with a girl. First I was surprised to hear she was pregnant and that I was hearing it from her son but then that she was far enough along to know she is carrying a girl. After contemplating this for a few moments I asked the boy if he knows when his baby sister is going to be born.

"Um, it starts with an A I think."

"August?"

"yep, that's it."

"oh..that's when our baby was due." I didn't realize I had said that last part out loud.

"yea, I know" he said. I looked up surprised and he looked embarrassed and then ran off to play.

I had not told this child when I was due nor had I told my own children, which means his Mama must have been talking about it.

I know everyone's motives for not announcing a pregnancy are different, and everyone announces at different times, etc, but this woman went beyond out of her way to bless me during our miscarriage with an excessive amount of meals. I don't know whether I feel upset or embarrassed that she didn't tell me that she was carrying her own secret around that is due right when my baby was. And now to have her son tell us...sigh. Why do people treat women who miscarry like lepers? I have not felt even slightly upset over friends being pregnant, giving birth, etc. Far from it, it's been like healing balm to see life continue. I just wish she would have shared it with me.
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6 comments:

  1. RebekahApril 17, 2013 at 7:35 AM

    I don't think anyone does this to be mean. There is just no good way to share good news with someone who is grieving. It feels callous and selfish. Unfortunately, there's also no good way to say, "I didn't tell you then because you were so sad and I didn't want to make you feel worse or make you feel like you had to pretend to feel happy for me."

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  2. DawnApril 17, 2013 at 12:13 PM

    Pain cripples everyone it touches. It makes protocol hide itself as though it's a shameful thing, and everyone becomes confused in its absence.

    I'm reticent in the face of others' suffering, mostly because I want so very badly not to make them suffer more. I hold my own pain close (or I try) in hope that perhaps in doing so, my sister's pain will not gain momentum from my own, and thus gain too strong a hold of her. I offer to share my joys timidly, if I offer them at all, in fear that they might burn too brightly in the face of her sorrow. I wish to become less that my sister might become more. I am careful because I love her, and yet because I am filthy and stupid in sin, all my care only goes to hurt or is caught in the fire and burned to nothing. Meaningless, meaningless.

    Which is really just to say, it is very possible your friend did not tell you of her pregnancy because she loves you. Jesus is coming back. He'll sort it all out for us.

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  3. MelroseApril 17, 2013 at 3:39 PM

    Thank you both for helping me see it from the outside. I knew deep down that my pain and hurt was my own and caused by my own self, not her...I guess I was just hoping it was from her so that I wouldn't have to admit to still being in pain.

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  4. DawnApril 19, 2013 at 5:51 AM

    It's OK to be disappointed. Your pain comes from sin. Everyone's sin. Yours, hers, mine, theirs ... :(

    There's only Jesus. There's only His Sacrament. There's only His promise. He is holding us together in spite of our deliberate and our innocent meanness. May He come quickly.

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  5. UnknownApril 19, 2013 at 11:57 AM

    So much truth here. And it can be so hard to believe that many people are just as confused as to how to act as we are as to how to feel. Loved these comments. You are no leper, Mel. You are loved.

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  6. MelroseApril 19, 2013 at 2:14 PM

    Gauntlets I was going to email you privately but I think it would be better here for any passersby to see.

    I wanted to thank you, from sister in Christ to sister for saying what needed to be said. What you said, even though said so beautifully and gently, was law. And it was what I needed to hear. You said "I wish to become less that my sister might become more." That part hit me right where the law needed to. Your thoughtfulness at saying what I really needed to hear and KNOWING what I really needed to hear brought me to tears, because since you know firsthand what I'm going through it must have been even more painful for you to say. Your focus the entire time was on my sister in Christ and how I can serve her, not coddling my own emotions.

    L.R.: thank you as always sister.

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