Un Schooled

Once upon a time being a mother who chooses to keep her children very close caused fairytale visions to dance in my head. I imagined myself neatly groomed with my brood of children walking around me like little ducklings while I smiled and they rushed to care for and delight their smaller siblings.

The reality is very often far from this. And for the longest time it has caused deep guilt, despair, and many days of me trying to explain my choices to those I could tell were questioning them...but really more trying to convince myself than them.

We chose to home school before our oldest was even born. I do not believe home schooling is the only way to keep your children close, far from it. For us it was what we were going to do.

But fast forward 8 years and you have a mother who wakes up every Monday morning wanting to cry as her husband goes off to work. I pray, often with tears, in the shower before he leaves while giving myself pep talks and forcing myself to go through the daily assignments I have given myself to distract from the fact that I am about to be alone for hours on end for days in a row trying to figure out how to train these children up in the ways of the Lord.

I force myself to get groomed, make my bed, and head into the kitchen where often either a dirty high chair or floor or stacks of dishes await. I bite my lip, the first of many frustrations of the day, and try not to let my unfinished work put me in a foul mood before 9am even arrives. I give the children second breakfast (because like all good hobbits my kids eat first breakfast upon waking which is usually something quick like a granola bar) which is either eggs and sausage/bacon or some other hot breakfast. During breakfast they sing (not allowed at the table) and fight, hide toys (also not allowed at the table) and spill drinks. The 3 year old always either spills his drink which causes an eruption of sobbing or falls out of his seat which also causes and eruption of sobbing. I try so hard not to yell or roll my eyes or get frustrated.

When breakfast is over we all go upstairs. I open blinds, give instructions on toys to pick up, beds to make, and clothes to put away. I help the 3 yr old get dressed, make sure the 4 year old has put his jammies away, and get the 1 yr old dressed. When everything upstairs is tidy I give the kids a 5 minute until devotions warning and go downstairs to do any further dressing/grooming I need to do to be ready for my day.

The kids and I meet in the living room and I tell them to "sit nice". They cross their legs and fold their hands in their laps. I pull out our 3 ring binder that has the Catechetical Academy print out for a years worth of devotions for their school. We begin by doing the reading for the day. I read from the LCMS ESV Study Bible and read the accompanying devotional thought and prayer. The kids repeat the prayer after me. Then we move on to a hymn. I choose our own hymn according to the season we are in and we work at it for weeks until it's all memorized. After the hymn we read a "Follow and Do" book. The kids love these and they repeat them after me. About this point, actually earlier most days, the 3 year old is rolling on the floor, grabbing for toys, bumping his head, etc. I rebuke and correct him accordingly and the 4 and 7 yr olds get so annoyed that we have to make it last even longer as we deal with the 3 yr old. The 1 yr old likes to sit in my lap and try to slam the Bible or hymnal shut while I read. He also reaches up with his other hand and tries to pull my hair (which he has used as his "lovey"since he was born). So with one hand I'm correcting, with the other I'm trying to still the hymnal and keep hold of the baby. And all the while I'm pleading with the Lord to help me not lose my temper. Many times I will and I'll yell at the 3 yr old to just SIT STILL ALREADY!. sigh.

After the Follow and Do book we pray Luther's Morning prayer and then I send the children to the kitchen table. While they wait there I print out the day's school work. I use my copier so I don't have to buy new books for each child. While I'm making copies and letting the kids get some wiggles out before we start our work the kids are all asking for first lunch. It's 10 am. I come in with our school work and hand out snacks of various kinds. I get the preschoolers working and then begin lessons with my 7 yr old. The 1 yr old sits in his chair with a snack and some crayons/paper. That lasts about 2 seconds as he begins throwing crayons and fussing. The 3 and 4 yr olds compare coloring jobs and ask for more food and interrupt in any other way they can. But overall this is my favorite part of the day. We're all at the table together learning and I can tell they feel peaceful during this time of togetherness. Eventually the preschoolers run off to play and I continue work with my 7 yr old. After a few minutes of play and while the 7 yr old is doing some independent part of his assignments, I call my 4 yr old in to sit on my lap while we work on his abacus. He loves this time. When we are done I call the 3 yr old in for the same. By the time he is done the 7 yr old is usually done and they all run off to play. It's about 11/11:30. Now I need alone time to do a mad dash of chores and then lunch preparation. The kids love to drive me crazy during this time fighting,begging for lunch, asking to do things they are not allowed to do (play in the front yard which we do not allow during public school hours), begging me to get out different toys from the basement, etc. I have to intervene in fights, etc while I try so hard to get the work done that needs to be done before lunch. Finally I manage, most days, to get lunch going as my husband arrives home. Oh how I love when he gets home for lunch!

As I write this all out it doesn't sound nearly as bad as it feels some days. Being alone, in your own head, with no acclamation or pats on the back or promotions as you do a stellar job breaking up a fight or speaking with kindness in a situation that really warranted shouting or witnessing a lightbulb moment with a child while teaching them about their faith or math or reading all because you sat patiently enough through their childish babble and questions to get there...well, it causes you to go in on yourself. You think of how you could have done it better or how it really wasn't that amazing anyways, or just when you're feeling good a child clogs a toilet trying to flush his brother's tooth brush and it overflows through the floor into the basement. Shining moment gone.

It's lonely, it's isolating, and there's no one to impress during those long hours.

Quite the difference from the public school I was raised in where there was not only a teacher to idolize and impress but all the other school teachers and officials as well as an entire class to attempt to stand out in. And isn't this what they teach you to do? My parents were impressed no matter what, as is my husband, but the school teaches you to stand out everywhere but home.

So I guess while my kids are being home schooled I'm being un schooled.