Mind Games

Look into my eeeyyyyeeesss.....

My last miscarriage and now the situation we're in with this baby have produced some very interesting reactions in myself. Well, I suppose the only thing that makes them interesting is that I would succumb to behaviors I've seen in others and wondered if they realized what they were doing. Bargaining with God, thinking you know better than God, thinking you can trick God or outwit Him. The list goes on. All of course come from desperation and sin. Sometimes it's intentional, sometimes it's not and sometimes I don't even realize what I'm doing in my desperation to keep this baby here.

But a week ago someone close to me called me right after I had announced our promising news of our baby making it past when I was told I would miscarry by and the fact I was still nauseous just to tell me that my baby would probably still not make it and in fact could already be dead. She said that just because I was still nauseous did not mean anything because it takes time for the pregnancy hormones to leave even after a baby dies. I was horrified. I cried. I was so angry. Here I had a day of hope amidst so much worry, not just for the baby in my womb but for my own safety and my family going through all this with me, and she was stripping it away.

To explain to her how I felt I tried to tell her it would be as if she had shared that her husband nearly got in a crash on the way home from work, but Praise the Lord did not, and asked everyone to rejoice with her and instead I called her to say, " uh uh uh, not so fast, he could still die tomorrow on the way to work!"

This person apologized sincerely and she has made a huge effort to be more encouraging. In her defense she was not trying to hurt me, she just tends more towards realism than emotionalism. She thought if I was prepared for the worst it might not hurt as bad when or if it happens.

Now, a week later, I'm continuing to have very promising signals. What started out to be something very scary last night now seems like it may have been what I was praying for all along, that hematoma to finally go away. My womb is growing and my nausea continues. I'm waiting on a test result to come back (hcg) and will have an apt on Tuesday where hopefully all these questions will finally be answered.

But I'm learning so much in the waiting.

This morning I threw a huge temper tantrum. I apologize to friends and family who may have been on the other end of it by phone or email. You know who you are. I was angry, moody, and frustrated. Why can't this ever go easily!? To my poor husband I ranted about how unfair it is that women have to endure all this while they just watch. I was lamenting the waiting, the not knowing, and the certainty that awaits us all: death.

But I was right. My sister's husband could die tomorrow. I could die tomorrow. You could die tomorrow. My baby could die tomorrow. Just because an ultrasound may show my baby is still alive does not mean he or she is any less affected by the certainty that any day could be his or her last.

Suddenly the waiting doesn't seem as pressing. Because really we're all just as likely to die tomorrow as my baby is.

Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ that we have hope, peace, forgiveness, rest, and true life eternal.

And tonight when my toddler son threw a fit it was suddenly a lot easier to smile with pity and compassion at my mini me.

Heaven's morning breaks and earth's vain shadows flee. In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.