It's starting already. It doesn't surprise me and part of me doesn't even blame them. I myself have had some similar thoughts.
"You should probably take some time off, your body has been through a lot."
"Maybe God is telling you to be happy with the family you have."
"You can't keep doing this to yourself. It's too much."
It IS too much. Too much death. Too much suffering. Too much heartache watching lives of the unborn be stripped before they even have a chance to breathe. And when I suffer, my family and friends suffer too.
38 Then Jesus, deeply moved again, came to the tomb. It was a cave, and a stone lay against it. 39 Jesus said, “Take away the stone.” Martha, the sister of the dead man, said to him, “Lord, by this time there will be an odor, for he has been dead four days.”40 Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” 41 So they took away the stone. And Jesus lifted up his eyes and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. 42 I knew that you always hear me, but I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that you sent me.” 43 When he had said these things, he cried out with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out.” 44 The man who had died came out, his hands and feet bound with linen strips, and his face wrapped with a cloth. Jesus said to them, “Unbind him, and let him go.” John 11: 38-44 ESV
I do not know why my babies are going to heaven before I even get to hold them. But I do know that I am married. I am healthy and thereby am not knowingly putting babies in jeopardy by being open to conception. And I know that children are a blessing, a gift, and the very creation of the Lord Himself. They are not a scientific accident. They are not a definite result of unprotected one flesh union. They are given when and where God pleases for He alone opens and closes the womb.
My husband and I will continue to be open to life. And if all of our children continue to go home to heaven then, as my husband says, we will be storing up treasures in heaven.
This last pregnancy I made a choice with my husband to not tell anyone we were pregnant. It was meant to protect both us and them for this outcome. Unfortunately for me I hemorrhaged at church while teaching Sunday School which suddenly made it public to a lot of people. But then we needed serious prayers as our baby fought for his life. And then I realized how stupid it was to keep it secret. I meant well but it's not my job to protect people from sadness. Sadness is a part of the Christian life, of every person's life, and I suppose if it's too sad people don't have to pay any attention.
So thank you to all who have been such a wonderful and understanding support. If God so blesses us again, I look forward to sharing our joyful news with you, even if it turns to sadness.
Never feel like you need to hide this from me- I am forever willing to rejoice in your joy and weep over your sorrow. Kyrie Eleison.
ReplyDeleteAfter the death of our child Peter in my womb, I worried a lot about announcing another pregnancy. I finally decided that if we lost another child we would share our sorrow, so we should share our joy as well. Saying that, I will admit that I have considered not announcing to simplify things. I don't know how many people missed the news of his death and asked me about my pregnancy months after his body had been cut out of me. It made for some very awkward times, and also some humerus confusion as I got pregnant with his little brother about four months later. People couldn't figure out how I could announce a pregnancy at Thanksgiving 20008 and have the baby Valentines Day 2010. It led to many elephant jokes between my husband and I.
ReplyDeleteMegan, I understand, it was interesting when people would ask me while I was pregnant with Amadeus "aren't you pregnant?" And I'd stutter, "um, yeeess..." and then I would realize they didn't know I had miscarried Anastasia. :) sigh.
ReplyDeleteThank you T.M. friends like you are hard to come by. (())