There's a certain melancholiness that takes over when you've had a miscarriage. Especially when you have had two miscarriages. Especially when those two miscarriages have happened in a span of less than one pregnancy.
The world is not going to stop for me. Friends and family will not come to mourn with me. I'm not whining. It's just a fact. And they shouldn't anyways because there will not be a funeral. There won't be an obituary. There's nothing to talk about anyways.
People will offer coddling words but it doesn't change the fact that tomorrow you will wake up alone in your barrenness and physical pain to get over it and accept the fact that you have no control over your life and you have to be OK with that because even if you're not there's nothing you can do about it.
You won't do yourself or anyone else any favors to fall into a dark hole of grief because it's not going to change anything and it will just make you lonelier.
God is good. God never changes. God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. God is not a buddy Christ and He isn't there to make you live your best life now.
Life is just awful sometimes. And you'll hate yourself for feeling that way because no amount of pity will make it better but will just make you angry that no one can do anything the hell about it.
So you'll act like it never happened and challenge anyone who looks at you sympathetically with an obnoxious look and tell them to leave you alone. And then you'll marvel in secret that having life stripped from your body when it was too tiny to even look like a human can hurt so much that it feels like your heart has been ripped out of your chest....and that doesn't even cover the embarrassment and grotesqueness of the physical side of a miscarriage.
But the thing is God has to be enough because He is the only one, THE ONLY ONE, who can be what you need. And the only way for Him to be what you need is not to expect that it will feel good. Or that it will make you happy. Or that He will ever give you another living child ever again or at all. Or that you will ever feel happy again. Or that you will ever feel comfort and healing from anything or anyone in this life.
Because God does not promise that in this life.
The only way for your needs to be met is to go where God promises to be, to receive Him in the way He says He gives Himself, and to know (not necessarily feel) that God sent His Son Jesus to save us from our sins so that one day all this Hell on earth WILL BE DESTROYED with all the vengeful wrath of a righteous and Holy God on the evil wretched liars of the devil. And though your sins make you just as deserving and guilty, your sins will be forever erased. Your tears will all be accounted for and wiped away. Your Lord will hold you to His bosom, His Holy arms of love, the place you were missing all of these lonely awful wretched years on earth, and your Heavenly Holy Perfect Love will return your children to your side.
The reason you are so angry with all of your friends and family on earth in this time is because they are not who you are truly yearning for and they can never be what you need right now. You are yearning with the fire of a thousand suns for your Creator. And you feel it now more than ever because He is holding your offspring in His arms and your mother's heart knows it and aches beyond words to join Him. A part of you, of your own flesh, is already in heaven and your soul burns and aches beyond words to join it.
So you will get up. You have to. Wipe your eyes, attend to your duties, and go to the most meager meal in the world. One sip and one bite, despised by so many in it's simplicity and apparent lack of glory and power, because we know it is the miracle where God promises to somehow, some way, sustain you one awful breath at a time in the thorns and hell of this life, to get you to the eschaton.
He is coming as He said.
Amen.
ReplyDelete