These Sad Days

This is something I wrote in April of 2010, just three months after nearly dying in child birth. I posted it on facebook and just happened to see it again today and it encouraged me. :) I hope it does for you as well. 

"Life is good. It is really really good. I have the most amazing husband in the world. I'm not just saying that either. He loves me with a Christ-like love that I have never experienced. Of course my family and parents have loved me in such a manner, but obviously there is a different kind of love with a spouse....my parents knew me as a kid and sometimes I think they still think of me as the same person I was then. My husband knows the real me.


I spend most of my days thinking "I better drink this moment in because I'm going to blink and these kids will be moving out." Even as I type this I wonder about the day I will read this again and cry to have these precious days back.

My kids are the sunshine in my days and they leave me in awe. Every smile, every sweet word, and every step of new development leaves me thanking our creator.

But the days are hard too. No, I'm not talking about the day to day challenges of raising kids...but the day to day challenges of living in an evil evil world.

I feel it now more than ever. Scripture tells us that in the last days it will be as in the days of Noah...when Noah and his family were the only believers left. Those words are so sobering...sobering, lonely, and tearful.

More than anything as I see the birth pangs setting in, I miss my dad. I miss the security of his arms, the sureness of his step, and the unwavering faith with which every step was directed.

When I was in high school my dad took me and I think a couple of my sisters to a tour called...oh yes, "Acquire the fire". Well, one night there was "praise and worship" and everyone was on their feet with their arms in the air singing contemporary songs. I of course was too and then I looked over. My dad was sitting (probably the only one in the entire stadium) and had his head buried in his hands. I will NEVER forget that moment. Me, in my childish pride that thought faith was about outward emotion, thought my dad was somehow lacking. Now I know the truth.

My emotions are all over the place these days. Of course on a day to day basis I busy myself for service to my kids and husband, but inside I groan for the Lord's return. I groan to be released from the chains of sin and brokeness. I groan to be released from the attacks of Satan and his bastardly attempts at damning anyone he can. I grip with all of my strength at any moment I can steal in the Word to be strengthened in the fight.

This morning in my Bible time I was reading in Matthew chapter 12 where it talks about Jesus being Lord of the Sabbath. The last couple of verses read, "I tell you, something greater than the temple is here. And if you had known what this means, 'I desire mercy, and not sacrifice', you would not have condemned the guiltless. For the Son of Man is lord of the Sabbath."
What comforting words when every day gets closer to the return of Christ.

I really struggle with the law. At least once a month I have a huge sobbing melt down about my inability to do good. I see the messy floors, the dirty laundry, the unfinished projects, and I feel that I am worthless in every way. And then I read, " I desire mercy, not sacrifice." This statement of Christ shields us from the law of the Pharisees and ultimately his sacrifice on the cross pays every debt...leaving us responsible for no sacrifice but free to live in Christ's mercy.

I still feel sad and even often when I read Scripture I feel sad. And when I sing old hymns in church I cry quietly to myself as I watch Christ's sacrifice be handed out for the sins of the world. I suppose my sadness will only grow as the devil's play increases in intensity on believers and unbelievers alike. But inside, deep inside is overwhelming overflowing joy, the joy that doesn't necessarily play out as a smile on my face, but as a well that gives me strength to put one foot in front of the other and causes me to keep one eye on the sky watching for the trumpets to sound.

All of John chapter 6 is amazing, but beginning at verse 51 is my favorite:, "I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. And the bread that I will give for the life of the world is my flesh." The Jews then disputed among themselves, saying, "How can this man give us his flesh to eat?" So Jesus said to them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day. For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him. As the living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so whoever feeds on me, he also will live because of me. This is the bread that came down from heaven, not like the bread the fathers ate and died. Whoever feeds on this bread will live forever." Do you know that the same Greek word for flesh in this passage is the word used when nailing Christ's flesh to the cross? This is no figurative language here!

How amazing that our God would give us something so real, something so physical, to show us His love, mercy, and forgiveness. It's like He drops down from heaven to hug us and declare us His! What blessed assurance, what a firm foundation!

Emotions are fleeting, feelings betray us, but the everlasting Father gave the Israelites manna in the wilderness, He gave circumcision to mark them as His own, he gave blood to smear on the doorposts to preserve the life of their firstborn and animals to slaughter in death for the wages of their sins! Our God does not change. With the coming of the Christ he gave us a new circumcision, baptism, to mark us as redeemed, and he gives us the true passover meal in the body and blood of Christ, to mark the doorposts of our mouth to save our very souls, and He gave his very Son as the atoning sacrifice for the sins of the world.

Oh blessed Lord, what words could I possibly say to thank you for your mercy?!"

The Waiting Place

You know those moments in life where you hold your breath and all of life stops as you wait for results or answers?

One of the The most poignant example in my life is the night my little sister came into my room late one night to announce "Dad's plane went down." 14 Hours later my Pastor came into our house with my Mom to tell us our Dad was dead. For 14 hours I waited. Agonized. Cleaned EVERY SINGLE INCH of our home. My whole 17 yr old world stood absolutely still.

We wait all the time, for packages that mean so much, phone calls we pray will come, money we desperately need, jobs to be offered, reuniting hugs from family members we haven't seen in a long time...

For nine months I've been in a never ending waiting hell. For 9 months I've been telling people I'm pregnant only to turn around and tell them the baby has died only to turn around and say I'm pregnant again, and the baby has died again, and.... It feels like some kind of sick joke to be pregnant off and on for 9 months with nothing to show but some mounds of dirt in my backyard and a heart that feels like it's seeping out of my chest.

It reminds me of the Scripture about the whole world groaning with birth pains as we await the last day (Matthew 24:8). But further in the passage is this little gem:

"And because lawlessness will be increased, the love of many will grow cold."

Love will grow cold. Isn't that so sad? It makes me want to hold my children in my lap and never let go.

See that your love does not grow cold. In the waiting, in the hurting, in the dying, in the tribulation, do not let your love grow cold. Do not turn your heart hard in your grief and in your trying to put on a happy face. Your tears show your love and your Lord collects each one and they will be wiped away forever on the last day. 

Saying Happy Easter to his baby sister.

Love

Today I was contemplating the love I have for my husband and the love he has for me. When I was a child and a teen raised in a feminist school system, I imagined love would be a coequal partnership. I imagined a husband that would cheer me on and even push me to "be the best you can be". I imagined not spending all THAT much time together because we would both be so successful that we would cheerlead each other on while we each made lots of money, had a few trophy children, and "had it all".

What I have instead could not be more opposite because it is not some personal agenda or a means to worldly gain. What I have is not a fairytale love or a worldly love, it is the very definition of love: Christ, given to me each and every moment by my beloved husband.

I cannot breathe without my love, I feel lost without him. He is funny but reserved, compassionate yet quiet, passionate but stable. He listens twice as much as he speaks and thinks of himself only after he has thought of everyone else. He is gentle, loving, and tender and yet sometimes his fierceness and manly strength strikes a reverent fear in me.

Many today would say my love for my dear husband is not healthy. They would say no one should be that in need of someone or that dependent. But I say, hogwash. I love my husband like I love Christ. He is my everything and everything I need. I live to serve Him. He is my life's breath and the one I adore and think on all. day. long. And if He should be taken from me, then the very Groom who gave him to me would provide for me.

For a time my Heavenly Groom has given me this very physical manifestation of His love in this very unique and amazing man...my very own love made flesh in the image of Christ. But if we were to be separated, God forbid, our Dear Father would certainly never leave us or forsake us and would lift up whoever was left behind with His dear and perfect love.

My dear husband, I pray you and I are taken to the Lord's side hand in hand in our old age after we have raised our Godly heritage of children and seen many grandchildren and even great grandchildren born and baptized. I am so so very thankful for your love. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever know happiness like you. Jesus took my Dad home when I was only 17 but just months later He gave me His love in you to take over where my Dad left off: loving and protecting and serving me as you have. Words cannot express my love for you, only look to Christ crucified for you and see His love and you will always know that our love can only be as wonderful as it is because He Himself is love and He will always be here for us no matter what the future holds. May it hold many many more years of loving service together, hand in hand, receiving His gifts when and where He pleases.

Welcoming our first child into the world.