Breaking the Silence.

This post is dedicated to Amadeus. Amadeus, I watched you fight for life while your heart continued even when it was only beating 74 beats per minute. Even in that teeny tiny state, you possessed the stubbornness of your older 4 yr old brother and you fought so very hard to hang on to life even while the massive hematoma stole all of your nourishment. I am so proud of you and I cannot wait to meet you in person in heaven. Christ keep you sweet child of mine.

Yesterday I was privileged to read an article that snapped me to attention. It gave voice to why I have felt so crippled by my grief. And it gave me a new purpose in my grief: to speak out about the grave injustice and denial of who God is when we sweep babies that die in utero under the rug like an embarrassing taboo situation that NEVER. SHOULD. HAVE. BEEN. Shame on us. Here is the article I read.

For an entire year I have had no more than three months go by at a time before I find out I am pregnant. From July to September I had 3 different children take up residence in my womb and in one year I had 5 children total in my womb. All 5 of them died. All 5 of these children were known, all 5 had a soul, all 5 were intricately knit together by their Heavenly Father. And all  5 of them were flesh of my flesh and so dearly loved.

But they are gone and with them a vacuum of grief that refuses to let me go. But the injustice of it all is that my grief is treated as something taboo. To be very frank and honest, I feel as shunned as a woman that is living with a man out of wedlock and then demands by her Christian parents a beautiful wedding with a white dress. My babies are viewed as if they were not worthy of life, they are not meant to be, there was something wrong with them.

One of my sisters said, "You should be glad your body knew what to do with a baby that wasn't right. At least the baby died instead of being born with something very wrong."

Everyone listen to me and listen very attentively: DEATH IS NEVER. NEVER. NEVER GOD'S PLAN.  Please, read that a few more times. As many times as it takes.

Death is separation. It is the absence of God, the absence of life, the absence of creation, the absence of light.

Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord that Jesus shattered death for those that are in Him. It cannot hold us. It is conquered.

But Christians, that does not mean my baby was SUPPOSED to die. Please, please stop glossing over death in this strange way that death is somehow God's plan. Death is the opposite of God. Death is satanic.

World, last year 5 of my living children died. In one year. And I am going to be grieving for a very long time. I may not be able to talk to you without talking about them. I might cry. I might not be able to smile if you crack a joke. Sometimes days go by where I can't eat. But life will be a lot easier to bear if I'm able to stop feeling like their existence and subsequent death was something I did wrong, something embarrassing, something taboo, something gross.

Do you know someone that has lost a baby? Tell her you wish you could have gotten a chance to know her baby on this side of heaven. Ask her how she is. Say her child's name if the child has been named. Give her a chocolate bar and tell her you are praying for her baby in heaven, that Christ will bless and keep the baby until he/she can be reunited with his/her mother.

But please, break the silence. Stop talking so bravely about stopping abortion and in the next breath acting like babies that die in utero were meant to die. We deny who God is if we deny His creative work.