Grace

Last night I saw an article linked to that sought to provide parents with Biblical counsel on dealing with a child that is throwing a tantrum. It looked at the common ways most parents deal with them and the perceived outcomes for the child.

1. Laugh (not at the child but to excuse the behavior) or walk away.

2. Remove the child to a separate space.

The author made the claim that both of these ways would not only speak an acceptance of the behavior to the child but indeed would ignore a parent's responsibility to train up the child in the way he/she should go.

The author of the article made the claim that tantrums in children are nothing but selfishness, sin, and evil and that it should be stopped with loving discipline, correction, and rebuke.

At first I felt guilty. How many times in the past weeks have I not responded to tantrums with quick but calm discipline and rebuke?

But then I thought about those tantrums, about their cause. I also thought about my own tantrums. (No, not displayed in a way of a child, but in my heart.) And then I thought about some Biblical tantrums, and how God dealt with them. One in particular comes to mind:

"Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword. Then Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah, saying, “So may the gods do to me and more also, if I do not make your life as the life of one of them by this time tomorrow.” Then he was afraid, and he arose and ran for his life and came to Beersheba, which belongs to Judah, and left his servant there.

But he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he asked that he might die, saying, “It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.” And he lay down and slept under a broom tree. And behold, an angel touched him and said to him, “Arise and eat.” And he looked, and behold, there was at his head a cake baked on hot stones and a jar of water. And he ate and drank and lay down again. And the angel of theLord came again a second time and touched him and said, “Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you.” And he arose and ate and drank, and went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights to Horeb, the mount of God.

There he came to a cave and lodged in it. And behold, the word of theLord came to him, and he said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”He said, “I have been very jealous for the Lord, the God of hosts. For the people of Israel have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword, and I, even I only, am left, and they seek my life, to take it away.” And he said, “Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord.” And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before theLord, but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper. And when Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. And behold,there came a voice to him and said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” He said, “I have been very jealous for the Lord, the God of hosts. For the people of Israel have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword, and I, even I only, am left, and they seek my life, to take it away.” And the Lord said to him, “Go, return on your way to the wilderness of Damascus. And when you arrive, you shall anoint Hazael to be king over Syria. And Jehu the son of Nimshi you shall anoint to be king over Israel, and Elisha the son of Shaphat of Abel-meholah you shall anoint to be prophet in your place. And the one who escapes from the sword of Hazael shall Jehu put to death, and the one who escapes from the sword of Jehu shall Elisha put to death. Yet I will leave seven thousand in Israel, all the knees that have not bowed to Baal, and every mouth that has not kissed him.” 1 Kings 19:1-18

Elijah had been provided every proof that God indeed was who He said He was, that He was strong to save and indeed provided for His people. And yet, when he came upon hardship, he fell to the ground and asked God to take away his life. 

Life is full of suffering. Suffering cuts you to the very core of your being and threatens to destroy you. And in my children, when they are on the floor thrashing and crying and screaming, I sometimes see Elijah. I see Job. I see Jonah. I see David. I see Peter. Throughout all of time humans have fallen victim to their weak flesh, to their sorrow, to the fallen flesh that threatens to consume us. 

And friends, sisters, IT IS GRIEVOUS! For goodness' sake, let the children grieve! I myself must grieve or I will surely become hardened and rebellious! I must grieve or that grief will go somewhere, and I'm guessing the result would be much less constructive than tears and thrashing. 

For you to not let your children grieve whatever is causing them hardship is not only cruel but it denies the truth, that we are victims of a life turned hellish. That sin constantly devours us and our made-in-Christ's image body. Sin SHOULD make us mad, it SHOULD cause us to grieve, IT IS HARD.  And rather than discipline it out of my children and send the LIE that self control and self image to others is how they gain righteousness, instead I want to grieve sin with them and build them up in Christ. 

Here's how a tantrum goes in our house. 

When I come upon a child that is thrashing, screaming, wailing, etc, I drop to my knees and calmly and quietly say "Stop crying." I wait a few seconds to assess what is happening and if the child cannot control the wailing I pick the child up and take them to my bed and say, "You cry here where you are safe and I will be back in a moment." I let the child scream it all out while I'm finishing whatever it was I was working on. Then when I hear that the room is quiet I go in and sit on the bed. "I'm glad to see you have calmed down a bit, can you tell me what was wrong?" 

Here is the critical part. Either the child is lamenting something or the child has sinned and is angry. If the child has sinned we talk about the sin, why it is wrong according to God's Word and how it has broken not only God's law, but our home's law. We talk about how the child could have responded to what happened, and how in order to remind the child about sin's consequence we have to discipline him. Then the child apologizes to whomever he wronged and the child is absolved. 

However, if the child is simply lamenting life, so and so won't let me play with the toy I want, I'm hungry, I'm tried, etc etc, then I lament with them. "I'm so sorry you can't play with the toy you want. It's hard and sad sometimes when life does not go our way." I rock the child, hug them, and remind them that when life is hard they can come to me before they get upset and I will help them. Then usually they need food. With boys it's always about food. *smile* It is not a sin to be sad. It is not a sin to scream and cry and grieve. It is not even a sin to want something, even if as a parent we think what the child wants is selfish or ridiculous. God Himself tells us to bring ALL of our requests to Him, and that He gladly hears them, even if we come with tears and sobbing. 

Parents, do not let your piety exceed the piety of our Heavenly Father. It pleases Him greatly to have mercy on those who fear Him, on those who call on His name, on those who have been filled with the Holy Spirit from Baptism and His Word. Your children are such. They are not heathen, they are vessels of the Holy Spirit. Your discipline does not produce piety, the Holy Spirit does that. Discipline has its place, which is to turn a rebellious heart away from sin, but there's a reason only one book of the Bible talks about the rod of discipline, yes, it is a tool, but far more is the tool of mercy, of understanding, of providence even when the child does not seem to deserve it, as we ourselves know we do not. You must determine whether your child is truly rebelling, truly stuck in sin, or whether your child is grieving. And whenever a man is grieving or confused or just plain stupid, God always deals tenderly with those who are His.

"I ask, then, has God rejected his people? By no means! For I myself am an Israelite, a descendant of Abraham, a member of the tribe of Benjamin. God has not rejected his people whom he foreknew. Do you not know what the Scripture says of Elijah, how he appeals to God against Israel? “Lord, they have killed your prophets, they have demolished your altars, and I alone am left, and they seek my life.” But what is God's reply to him? “I have kept for myself seven thousand men who have not bowed the knee to Baal.” So too at the present time there is a remnant, chosen by grace. But if it is by grace, it is no longer on the basis of works; otherwise grace would no longer be grace." (Romans 11:1-6, ESV)

May we all be filled with the Holy Spirit to help us continue on in this noble work. May Christ give us every wisdom for turning our children's hearts to Him.