Part I of The Birth: And why I jumped ship on home birth

Genesis' (screen name) birth story really begins all the way back the day I found out I was pregnant. I was about 6 weeks off of my 5th miscarriage in a year and had begun to consider that, perhaps, our family was complete. I was even beginning to feel content with my four boys, feel pride in our little family, and had no desire to ever ever go through a miscarriage again. My heart was broken.

The day I found out I was pregnant I was a hot mess. I spent hours on the phone with a sister in Christ, who has a much heavier cross to bear than I of barrenness, and I sobbed to her that I was certain I was losing the baby. My womb literally felt cold down inside of me. I had been feeling that cold for many pregnancies, perhaps it had something to do with lack of good blood flow, I don't know, but I immediately began putting hot packs just under the band of my pants and skirts. It felt better at least.

I share all of this because fear was a very prominent emotion for the whole of Genesis' pregnancy. I know that for the Christian fear is not an emotion to be proud of, and, I could be lectured on faith and trust. I'm OK with that, I know I was weak and I confessed it every day as the sin it was, but I also know that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. And I know that His power is made perfect in weakness. So, I wore my heart on my sleeve and cried often, worried a lot, and prayed the Psalms for comfort.

The first sign of a hiccup came after I had my prenatal blood work done at around 15 weeks. My OB called me the next morning to tell me my platelets were low. A typical platelet range is 150K-400K. Mine was 139K. She warned that this could become a problem if mine continue to drop, as is common in pregnancy, that I started out so low. She explained that without platelets we can't clot and anything below 50K is critical. I brushed her off thinking myself way too high to ever get near that 50K.

Fast forward 4 months and I was six weeks away from my due date. I had begun to accept that there was a baby in my belly and that there might even be a baptism at the end of the tunnel. This baby might actually make it! I still cried some when I thought of labor. I've attended a funeral for a full term baby that died accidentally and tragically in the womb and it will forever haunt me as I approach my due date. Then my midwife suggested that I go get my platelets drawn one more time just to be on the safe side and know what we were dealing with approaching labor. I wasn't thrilled with the idea but I decided to submit and went. The news was not good. My platelets had dropped to 109K. Obviously this was a huge drop and yet, the drop occurred over a 4 month span, surely we were still OK, still very far from the critical zone. So, I continued on with my plans of birthing with my midwife.

But then 36 weeks hit. And with it came panic and fear like I have never known. I do not know what came over me, I have never been terrified of birth. Even after nearly dying in childbirth, the following pregnancy I was not only not afraid but instead was filled with this stubborn intensity to prove that I could overcome what I had been through and have a beautiful birth. And I did with my 4th. So why, now, was I so so unbelievably terrified? I was texting my husband multiple times a day "I'm scared" "I'm so scared" "I don't want to do this" and so on. He, too, was confused and baffled by my fear. I called my midwife one afternoon and insisted she come over so I could panic to her and cry. The closer I got to my due date the more I became absolutely certain there was no way I could go through childbirth. I began praying that if the Lord would not take away my fear that He would provide a way out for me. I wondered secretly if my fear was actually given by the Lord because it was His will for me to birth in the hospital. I begged Him to give me wisdom and I pondered on Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane hoping that though I was completely overcome with my fate of childbirth that the Lord who suffered so much more would get me through.

The weekend I turned 37 weeks was an absolutely gorgeous weekend. The temperature was around 60, it was sunny and breezy and we had a really relaxing weekend. I took walks and felt the stress begin to melt away. Maybe, just maybe, I really could do this. Sure enough on Friday I began having show and then that evening had a couple hours of early contractions. During the night I woke up countless times to use the restroom as the baby's head engaged and pushed on my bladder and early contractions continued. Saturday the show continued and I had more contractions. As I took a long walk outdoors I prayed, talked to my baby (the first time I had done that the entire pregnancy), and reveled in the sunshine. Finally I asked my baby to come out and join us on this beautiful day. I felt at peace, happy, ready. All through the night I was awakened again with contractions and the need to use the restroom. Sunday came and went and with it lots of contractions that began to intensify. Finally, Sunday evening, I texted one of my best friends and her sister to come, I knew the time was very close. But as soon as they got in the car to come the contractions stopped. Monday morning we woke up and my mood had turned back overnight. I was extremely grouchy, couldn't stop crying about how scared I was, and was very very irritated with my children. I talked through my emotions with my friends, tried to talk through them with my midwife more over the phone, and then that night sobbed them out to my husband. After that I felt a lot better and fell asleep feeling a little more at peace.

In the middle of the night I woke up with the chills. Chills are often a sign of labor so I got up to use the restroom when I realized I had a headache. This can also be a sign of early labor but I took my temperature to be sure. 99.9. Worry came over me and I called my midwife. She assured me that was a very low fever and could even be because labor was so near. I tried to go back to sleep but was having contractions off and on. Tuesday morning came and with it more contractions. For hours they were regularly 7-10 minutes apart. I gave myself pep talks inwardly and tried to just focus and relax. But as lunch time drew near the contractions once again stopped. My best friend had to return home with her sister and I dozed on the couch. When I woke up the chills had seized me again. This time they seemed worse and my head ached. I took my temperature: 102. This was not good. I took some extra strength tylenol and called my husband to come home right away. I went upstairs and napped. When I woke up my fever had broken and once again I felt renewed and prayed labor would start soon so I could just get it all over with already. I was tired from four nights of very interrupted sleep and beginning to feel fatigue set in with the body aches.

Evening passed and before I went to bed I took another tylenol. Around 1:30 I woke up shaking again. This time I was shaking so hard it hurt to breathe. I went into the bathroom and my husband followed me in. He said I didn't feel hot to him. I looked in the mirror and my lips looked blue. My husband went back to bed and I decided to take a bath to try and ease my aches. When I got out I took another tylenol and thought the chills had stopped but after about an hour they were so bad I felt like I was vibrating. I took my temperature again and it was 103. What on earth was happening? None of my kids had been sick, nor my husband, and I never get sick first! Finally around 5:30 am I called my midwife. I told her she needed to page my doctor because I had to get to the hospital pronto. She hesitated and offered to come by and check me (I had also been having contractions this entire time) but I insisted I needed medical attention and quickly. My other concern was that I thought over the weekend my water bag had leaked some and I knew if this was true fever could indicate an intrauterine infection. Finally by 6:30 we were on our way to the hospital.