Part IV: The Birth and Why I Jumped Ship on Homebirth

From somewhere deep in my dreams I felt a stabbing that sent me fighting to the surface as I gasped for breath. My eyes shot open. I tried to figure out where I was and I wrapped my hands under my belly and forced breath down as I got through the contraction. I knew too much time had not passed because it was still light outside. I looked at the clock, it had only been an hour and a half. "Lord, have mercy." I prayed. I knew I was supposed to have slept 4-6 hours on the sleep aid. "Well, that worked well." I rolled my eyes to myself and put my bed into the sitting up position.

The nurses must have noticed a change in my contraction monitor because one came in, followed by my husband. "I'm so glad you're back." I said to him. I meant it. Never am I more aware of the depth of my love for my husband than when I'm in labor. "You're awake already, huh?" he asked. "Contractions." I said, gesturing to the monitor. We turned some lights on and my husband put the bag down of the belongings he brought. While the nurse checked my vitals and looked at the contraction print out he told me about the kids' day at home. The boys were all doing well, though they missed me a lot, and couldn't wait to meet the baby. He had made them dinner and visited with them before leaving them in the care of their uncle. For the next several hours we relaxed as best we could. We watched TV, ordered and ate dinner (though for some reason this is the one meal I have no idea what I ate), and just tried to enjoy each other's company. Finally the hours passed and it was time for bed. I was offered more sleep aid but since that went so well the first time I decided to pass. We turned out the lights and drifted off.

An hour and a half later I again was awoken to a stabbing contraction. I realized I also had to use the restroom, which didn't help the contraction feel any better, and so when it passed I quickly got up before another one hit. When I got back I tried to sleep but every time I would start to doze off another one would hit. These ones possessed the same crampy feel to them I had in the early morning when I first got to the hospital. I had to take a deep breath as one started and breathe it down into my belly to keep from needing to moan through them and disturb my husband's sleep. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and called for the nurse. When she arrived I told her my contractions were really picking back up and hurting a lot. I'm not sure what I was hoping for but at this point I had been "in labor" for so long without it meaning a baby was coming soon that I wasn't sure what to do with myself since sleep wasn't an option. She told me she would put me back on the monitor so we could watch them. Fantastic. Now I would get to be a watched pot but still alone in bed. For the next four hours that was what happened. I laid there in the dark with my sleeping husband next to me while I tried to breathe through the contractions. I was too tired to get up and pace or move which would have lessened the pain so instead I just laid there and sometimes cried through them. I sang in my head "Lord Thee I Love With All My Heart", "God's Own Child I Gladly Say It", and "Abide With Me" to keep my mind off the pain and keep me from getting scared. Finally, around 4 in the morning, the contractions began to ease off. Again. I called the nurse and asked her to remove the monitor so I could sleep. I crashed hard and fast into a very deep sleep. Two hours later my husband and I were very rudely awakened to a nurse turning every light on and shouting out, "GOOD MORNING! WAKE UP! I'M HERE TO DRAW YOUR BLOOD!" My husband and I exchanged our frustrated and angry looks and two minutes later she was done but we were left wide awake. "Maybe I'll get to sleep in heaven." I thought.  Next my Dr. came in. She asked how the night was and I told her and she explained to me that since my fever had stayed down as long as my blood work did not show any significant drop in platelets they would send me home. My mouth dropped open and I said, "Look, I understand why you would send me home. I know I'm not even 38 weeks yet. But I can tell you what is going to happen if I go home. I'm going to start having contractions again in about an hour or so, I'm going to have them off and on all day, and then tonight they will start up again. I won't be able to sleep, AGAIN, and I'll continue to get more exhausted and maybe get sick again. My in laws will go home and we will once again have to find a church member to come keep our kids in the middle of the night. I am begging you to not send me home." She rubbed my leg and said "I know, honey, but we have to think of the baby too, but I promise to take everything into consideration when your labs come back." I didn't say that I WAS thinking of the baby and that I had been so terrified during my fever that the baby would die. Instead I just sighed. She left to wait for my labs and I went to use the restroom. While I did I happened to look down and see that lovely view of the plug disengaging. For a moment my excitement was sparked and I called to my husband that I was losing my plug. "Really?!" he asked. But we both knew that didn't necessarily mean anything would happen that day.

I got back in bed and before I could get situated my Dr. came cruising back in the room with a big smile on her face. "Well, this will excite you! I have bad news, your platelets dropped a lot more, we're moving you to labor and delivery! You're going to have a baby today!" "What?!" I demanded excitedly, "really?!" I was so excited I couldn't hide my huge smile despite the apparent bad news. "How much did they drop?" "They're 76,000. They were 84,000 yesterday." My heart sank. They anesthesiologist the day before that had refused my epidural said the cut off was technically 80,000 (though he had been unwilling because at the time they thought I also had preeclampsia). This meant I was now actually below the cut off. Panicked I looked at my Dr. "Oh no, 76? Oh no, that means I won't be able to have an epidural! Isn't that below the cut off?" She rubbed my leg again and said, "Honey, don't worry about that, you're going to be fine, you've done this 4 times already without drugs, we have narcotics we can give you to take the edge off but you will be fine." I swear if I had to hear one more person throw in my face that I had done this four times already without drugs I was going to scream or punch someone. No, I had NOT done THIS before because I had never had almost a week of ongoing labor leading up to the real thing while also having the flu. And just because I had done it four times before didn't mean I had any strength to do it again. I thought of saying that just because a man gets struck twice by lightening doesn't mean he'd survive the third time but instead I just cried. She left and told me to eat some breakfast and once I was done she would transfer me to labor and delivery. I ordered french toast and an omelet for my husband but could hardly eat. I just wanted to cry and sleep. I was so excited we were having the baby but now the excitement was overcome with terror as I tried to imagine surviving transition and the hour or so before it. Every time I thought of it I would start crying again. Finally we rang for the dr. and then we were on our way to our new room. I don't remember how I got there, if I walked or if they pushed my bed, I think I walked, but this room was shaped like a lower case "h"the inside of the hump of the 'h" was a restroom and the two legs of the "h" were the hallway leading to the restroom and the other wing was a birth tub. I looked at the tub with disdain. If I had to get in the tub that meant I didn't have an epidural. I shuddered thinking of the contractions I would have in that tub which brought another wave of sobbing. What on earth was wrong with me?! My husband and I tried to figure this out when a nurse from the day before, the one I actually liked, came in. I was so glad to see her and I cried and cried to her about the epidural. She tried to comfort me and I began praying in my head as fervently as I could muster. I KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord was with me, that I was where I was supposed to be, and that He would not bring me this far to leave me unable to get through. I didn't know how He was going to provide, whether He would just mysteriously take the pain of labor away, whether the narcotics would help that much, or whether the epidural would somehow come through, but I knew I was not going to be left alone. We had come too far through too much. I continued begging and begging and praying while also crying to the nurse when suddenly the door opened. In walked David Letterman. Or at least his identical twin. In an anesthesiologist uniform. I stared at him and he looked at me with a huge smile and compassion and bellowed, "What's wrong little girl?!" He said this not with disrespect but as a grandfather would say to his beloved granddaughter. I just stared at him thinking if he came to lecture me on why I couldn't have an epidural I would surely have to beg for a c-section. Instead my nurse answered and said, "She's afraid you're not going to give her an epidural." He smiled at her and then at me and said, "That's why I'm in  here. I just got on shift and saw your name on the board and heard you story and what that other anesthesiologist said and I have no idea why he said that because your platelets are low but it sounds like they still work!" He proceeded to ask me questions like, "Do you have nosebleeds? Do your gums bleed? Have you had any bleeding while here?" Etc which I was able to answer with "no"s and then he smiled again and said, "Well honey, don't you worry, I'm not going to leave you with nothing, you can have that epidural if you want and you just let me know when you're ready for it!" "What? Really? Are you serious? Oh! You are my new best friend!" I laughed out loud, asked him a few more times just to be sure, and then laughed some more. Oh there are not many times in my life I have felt so relieved.

As my husband says, from then on I was a different person. Suddenly I had energy I didn't have before, I was happy and excited, and I couldn't wait for the pitocin to be started. I was meeting my BABY today! We called family and let friends know on Facebook and my nurse brought me a mixture of Sierra Mist and cranberry juice to celebrate. My midwife came to join us and we all conversed excitedly and prepared for the day ahead. I was still only 3-4 cm but my Dr. assured me the pitocin would probably work fast and then we could break my water and have a baby. My GBS test came back positive so unfortunately we had to do two doses of penicillin and that burned like crazy going in my arm but then the pitocin got hooked up and I waited for it to take affect.