It's not about how full your quiver is.

It's about Jesus.

I've had to learn that it's best to not have intentions or preconceived notions of how things will be when you're married and receiving God's gifts as and when He gives them. It is not extraordinary to have many children close together, nor is extraordinary to have few children far apart. What is extraordinary is each individual child being created in the image of Jesus. They, His creation, are extraordinary because they are His. The benefit for us, as their parents, is the ability to be humbled and to serve...and of course to be recipients of slobbery kisses and pudgy hands in ours. 

Fresh start

Our Lord sure knew what He was doing when He gave us the seasons, calendars, the sun, moon, and stars. Isn't it funny how really each day is no more like any other day before it but because of the seasons and calendar we have this comfort, this familiarity to our days. And so with December and the start of Advent came a fresh start. How wonderful to start a year with a penitential season...to take time to cry, pray, and lament sin and death. But after a time of weeping comes the morn of song! Christ has come!

On Christmas Eve my oldest who is now a big 8 yr old said, "Mom, why do we have to go to church tonight AND tomorrow?" After chuckling my husband and I explained that Christmas Eve is when we sit in the darkness and penitence of Advent one more time and watch our sadness turn to joy as God's Christ comes. Christmas Day is when we enter in the light of His coming and He fulfills the reason of His coming: to give Himself to us. Jesus marks the door posts of our mouths with His Holy Precious blood and points us to the cross. Oh what a wonderous time is the season of Christmas!

On another note is the sickness that inevitably comes with the months of darkness and rich foods. For years now I have been studying natural healing through herbs and natural remedies. I have probably read enough herbal text books to become a certified herbalist but who has time for that? Besides, I do it for my family.

My biggest find has been bentonite clay. Haven't heard of it? Click here. Bentonite clay will be your new best friend during the months of not so fun stomach viruses! My family began coming down with it two weeks ago when my oldest dropped with a headache, fever, and then threw up. I ran for my bentonite clay and gave him 1/2 tsp in 5 oz of cold water. I also mixed in 1/2 packet of tangerine e-mergency. I whisked it with a fork hard and he drank it up....right after puking. Think he puked it right up? Nope! Instead an hour later he was up watching Duck Dynasty with my husband and me. :) The whole family took the bentonite and not one of us got it after my oldest!

As for colds my favorite go to for kids is Hyland's cold and cough. It can be found at Target, Walgreens, etc and works even better than non homeopathic cold meds. I know, I use it too. :) It comes in day and nighttime versions, both are great.

For adults my go to remedy is home made tinctures. Whaaaat?! Fear not! It's so easy! I buy pre-mixed combos from www.bulkherbstore.com. This is a young family owned business who home schools their kids and all of their products are wild cultivated or organically grown. My favorites are their "cough tea" and "double E immune". What I do is get some mason jars and fill them 1/3 full of herbs. Fill the rest of the way with vodka. Let sit in a cool dark place for 3 weeks, shake jars gently each day. Then strain the herbs out and keep tinctures in a cool dark place. My husband and I take 1-2 tsps of each tincture at the first sign of colds and if we're getting hit hard we take them up to every hour until symptoms improve. We also drink e-mergency and I make tons of home made soups, esp with home made bone broth.

What's bone broth? Save beef bones, lots of beef bones, esp marrow filled ones. If you buy your meat from a local ranch where the cow is grass fed, healthy, and all from one cow, even better. As your saving up keep them in a freezer safe bag in a deep freezer. When you have enough to fill a large stock pot about half way, put them in the pot and fill with water until the water level is about 2-3 inches over the bones. Add celery, onion, garlic, pepper, carrots, etc. bring to a simmer and keep a spoon with holes nearby for skimming off stuff that rises to the top. Let simmer for 3 days. Yup, THREE DAYS. At night you can turn it down so it's barely bubbling at all and then increase it a tad during the day. Keep a lid on and make sure you don't gave it going too hard/boiling or water will evaporate and you'll have to add water. Every so often you can lift a bone or two out of the water and be amazed as the marrow dissolves into your broth leaving the bone hollow! (See picture above.) I also added beefy soup bones to mine for greater beef flavor. At the end of three days, scoop out bones and discard and pour broth into mason jars. Let cool and then put in the deep freezer. If you have a pressure canner, canning is an option too. Now you have home made broth that can grow back a limb* and bring incredible healing. I thaw and make it the base for any soup with beef broth and a base for beef gravy, etc. I used the left over beef and veggies from the making of the broth to make chili for supper that night.

my broth with a little cutie-patootie. :)

Now, if I'm really desperate...like...REALLY  desperate, I've been known to do some crazy things. Once, while we lived in the middle of nowhere, 2 1/2 hours from any Walgreens, Target, etc. and it was near midnight and I was burning up with fever and felt like I was swallowing razor blades, well, desperate times called for desperate measures. I juiced an onion, got myself about 1/4 cup worth of the juice, added a tbs of raw honey, and threw it back like a shot. Then I sliced up a fresh clove of garlic and put it in the sides of my cheeks and slowly chewed on it while watching TV. An hour later I began sweating, got into the shower, swallowed the garlic with some e-mergency and woke up the next morning as good as new! I haven't done that since but I have been known to mince up raw garlic and swallow it like a pill with e-mergency or orange juice. I HATE being sick.

So here's to health in the new year and learning to bring healing to my family even more without the use of drugs. God has created so many amazing things in our world that help our fearfully and wonderfully made body heal itself and I'm so thankful to have access to them.

* OK, so it may not really grow back a limb and none of these statements have been approved by the FDA, so, you know, use your head and talk to whoever it is you see for medical help/advice/care in your life before trying anything new. I am not a doctor, I'm just a mama with four boys who prefers to strengthen and aid my body rather than drug it, whenever possible.

Maybe you know you've arrived...

When you get to that point in your adulthood/motherhood where you realize you have nothing of importance to say. When you wake up so humbled by life that you just feel a lot quieter.

Writing has been hard since our last miscarriage in August. I might have had another one in September. I had 4 days of light positive tests before they got even lighter and I started. But I had just miscarried two babies in two months so honestly it felt like a continuation of the previous two, if it was.

But life is carrying on. My boys are all having birthdays and will soon be 8, 5, 4, and 2. My second will have a birthday in April and then we'll be able to have the nice even two year spacing until November when the birthday chain starts again.

School is going really well. But that's because we don't do it. I've decided to call our education "freestyle" until I come up with a better name. Basically I pick up things when and where I can use them for a little, put them away, use them again later or with another kid, etc etc. I have each kid practice reading each day using whatever I feel like on any given day, finding tools as each kid comes to a hurdle I can't get them through, but we're finding a lot of success. Our tool with our 5 year old is Teach your Child to Read in 100 easy lessons. I HATED it when I bought it with my first but holy moly, I lOVE it with my second! It gives us what we need, a sweet cuddle time on the couch and it's also great for him to look at my lips while we pronounce "new" sounds and then learn to make words with them. He's always struggled with pronunciation so it's working so well. We also do devotions every day which is the bulk of our education time right now. We read a Psalm, an Old Testament reading, a New Testament reading, a church Father writing, and a prayer for the day. Then we sing a hymn or two and then we read through an entire chief part using a "Follow and Do" book. Then we say Luther's Morning prayer and pray petitions for our family and friends.

My oldest is doing copy work through a Memoria Press book and my preschool/5K boys are doing some work in Rod and Staff workbooks but that's our stuff for now. I just love picking and choosing using curriculum like a took box when you're doing a job. The focus isn't the tool, it's the long term goals. For us our goals are Christ and family. Everything else will figure itself out.

I haven't conceived in 4 months now. This is strange, hard, grief causing, and...restful. God is gracious and merciful and while my heart yearns desperately for our family to grow more, it is what it is and Jesus is coming back.

My husband and I were talking tonight as I cried that it's been a year this week since I found out I was pregnant with our Anastasia. I said, "I wonder if it gets harder as we get older, you know, the knowing that things aren't the way they're supposed to be ever...even when we're at our happiest on earth." He said based on the shut-ins he visits he would say yes.

Do you feel it? The sensation that something isn't right, like a family member missing or that odd tingling in the back of your heart that something, something is amiss? I know what it is. It's heaven calling. We know this is not the way things are supposed to be. The Holy Spirit can't help but groan within us for the release from our sin and pain. He intercedes for us and we groan for release from labor into the birth into heaven. Come soon Jesus, come soon and take us home.

When Sin Overwhelms You

You know it all too well. The despair. The agony. The tears. The hot anger. The terrible irony that comes from being at all times sinner and saint.

Earlier this week I was overcome with my sinful condition. What was bothering me could come across to some not as a matter of sin or not but simple life management, you know, adiaphora stuff. But for me I knew it was a heart issue, one that I saw my own sin in over and over and over. I confessed to a Pastor (not my husband) and he did not see the sin in it. He told me I was burdening myself unnecessarily. I was not convinced. And then I felt even more trapped in my sin and sobbed to my husband. The issue I had been struggling with was mutual between us so we both lamented together. Then, a dear dear sister in Christ (if you're reading, I love you dear friend. :) blew me away. She reminded me that sin sometimes is something that has to be endured. It attacks us, it's relentless, and there is NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT. When one lives in repentance you can't repent more. There is repentance or none. But you can't be more repentant. And so, when you feel overcome with guilt and death and sin and loss do this: 

HIDE. You heard me. Hide dear friends. As my dear sister in Christ comforted me with earlier this week, HIDE YOURSELF IN THE WOUNDS OF CHRIST. Let His blood cover you and go to sleep in His wounds. 

And read this:

We know assuredly that out of pure grace, without any merit of our own, we have been elected in Christ to eternal life. No one can pluck us out of His hand (John 10:29). He has not only promised this gracious election with mere words, but has also certified it with an oath and sealed it with the holy Sacraments. We can...call these to mind in our most severe temptations and take comfort in them, and with them we can quench the fiery darts of the devil. (Eph.6:16) -Epitome of the Formula of Concord XI

And this:

God has assuredly promised His grace to the humble (1Peter 5:5), that is, to those who lament and despair of themselves. But no man can be thoroughly humbled until he knows that his salvation is utterly beyond his own powers, devices, endeavors, will, and works, and depends entirely on the choice, will, and work of another, namely, of God alone. For as long as he is persuaded that he himself can do even the least thing toward his salvation, he retains some self-confidence and does not altogether despair of himself, and therefore he is not humbled before God, but presumes that there is-or at least hopes or desires that there may be- some place, time, and work for him, by which he may at length attain to salvation. But when a man has no doubt that everything depends on the will of God, then he completely despairs of himself and chooses nothing for himself, but waits for God to work; then he has come close to grace, and can be saved. -Martin Luther (emphasis mine)

You are elected, sealed, and certified to Christ. And in your despair, God's Work is able to be done. So rejoice in your despair, it is the work of God bringing you to Him. <3

Happiness

For the past year my children and I have belonged to a local Lutheran home school group that meets once a week for the morning. In this group one of the mothers is from Hungary. I love her. She is different and so not like all of us entitled Americans. A couple weeks ago I was talking with her about her home country and I asked her what one of the main differences is between America and Hungary. She responded, without even hesitating, that Americans "try too hard to be happy". I laughed out loud and asked what on earth she meant. She explained that in her country people do not smile very much. She said if she were to smile and wave at someone on the street there they would be afraid of you and think you were crazy. She said people are not afraid to admit life is hard and they don't feel the need to "be fake like Americans". At first I took offense at that last part as I truly don't ever intend to be fake in my polite gestures of greeting or smiles that are on my face.

But I have to admit after thinking about it for a couple weeks I actually find myself longing for a country like that. Why is it that any time I talk about suffering, especially to my family, they ask me if I'm depressed? Good grief we are so obsessed with diagnosing and "treating" EVERYTHING. Why can't people just be people? What is so wrong with being sad? Or at least SERIOUS?

Life for a Christian is like being stuck in the labor of childbirth for your entire life. There are moments of peace and joy when you're on a break between contractions and you realize how soon, very soon, your relief will come and your joy will be complete, but there are many many many moments of hell. Anguish. Despair. Fear. Suffering. Agony. Isolation. Battle. And I am sick and tired of well meaning Christians putting on this happy face as if they are not a Christian if they aren't happy all the time. And of course genuine happiness is good, but why is something wrong with someone simply because they are in a period of hardship?

There is a huge difference between happiness and faith, between happiness and trust, between happiness and contentment, between happiness and hope, between happiness and salvation, and between happiness and Jesus Christ.

We are fighting a battle, an all out war against the forces of evil that tempt us and prey on us and love to play between trying to make us happy and complacent or filled with terror and despair. Both are dangerous and threaten to rip away even the elect.

But thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord that we have a Lord who is acquainted with our grief and suffering and has come to redeem us and one day, to wipe every tear from our eyes. Christ is coming as He said.

Who has believed what he has heard from us?1

And to whom has hthe arm of the Lord been revealed?

2 For he grew up before him like a young plant,

iand like a root out of dry ground;

jhe had no form or majesty that we should look at him,

and no beauty that we should desire him.

3 kHe was despised and rejected2 by men;

a man of sorrows,3 and acquainted with4 grief;5

and as one from whom men hide their faces6

he was despised, and lwe esteemed him not.

4 mSurely he has borne our griefs

and carried our sorrows;

yet we esteemed him stricken,

nsmitten by God, and afflicted.

5 oBut he was pierced for our transgressions;

he was crushed for our iniquities;

upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,

pand with his wounds we are healed.

6 qAll we like sheep have gone astray;

we have turned—every one—to his own way;

rand the Lord has laid on him

the iniquity of us all. Isaiah 53:1-6

Trust

       When my 4th child was born my first born was 5 (almost 6). I had four boys and days after my 4th's birth we found out we were moving again, which made 9 times in the 7 years of marriage. When we moved one of our sons was very very sick and had been for quite some time. We were a wreck. And we questioned. Big time. And cried. A lot. And we were so close to deciding to prevent. But then we just gave up our will and begged God to have mercy. 

Now my youngest is almost 2. And this year we've had 3, maybe 4, babies die and go to heaven. At first we were so tempted to give in to guilt and feel like God was punishing us for doubting and struggling. But now, in our repentance, we give thanks to God for His tender love that He blessed us with so many children this year, while at the same time giving thanks that the Lord is working all things together for His glory. 

We have the rest we so desperately wanted, even though now we so often with tears wish we didn't have it. But God's will was for us to have it, even amidst sorrow and grief, and we are so thankful for His love. 

Your Lord loves you with an everlasting love, He knows the hairs on your head, and He will surely, surely provide all that you need to support this body and life. Cry out to Him and He will never leave you alone. The one who has your hairs numbered will certainly never accidentally form a baby in your womb. Christ keep you dear sisters.

These Sad Days

This is something I wrote in April of 2010, just three months after nearly dying in child birth. I posted it on facebook and just happened to see it again today and it encouraged me. :) I hope it does for you as well. 

"Life is good. It is really really good. I have the most amazing husband in the world. I'm not just saying that either. He loves me with a Christ-like love that I have never experienced. Of course my family and parents have loved me in such a manner, but obviously there is a different kind of love with a spouse....my parents knew me as a kid and sometimes I think they still think of me as the same person I was then. My husband knows the real me.


I spend most of my days thinking "I better drink this moment in because I'm going to blink and these kids will be moving out." Even as I type this I wonder about the day I will read this again and cry to have these precious days back.

My kids are the sunshine in my days and they leave me in awe. Every smile, every sweet word, and every step of new development leaves me thanking our creator.

But the days are hard too. No, I'm not talking about the day to day challenges of raising kids...but the day to day challenges of living in an evil evil world.

I feel it now more than ever. Scripture tells us that in the last days it will be as in the days of Noah...when Noah and his family were the only believers left. Those words are so sobering...sobering, lonely, and tearful.

More than anything as I see the birth pangs setting in, I miss my dad. I miss the security of his arms, the sureness of his step, and the unwavering faith with which every step was directed.

When I was in high school my dad took me and I think a couple of my sisters to a tour called...oh yes, "Acquire the fire". Well, one night there was "praise and worship" and everyone was on their feet with their arms in the air singing contemporary songs. I of course was too and then I looked over. My dad was sitting (probably the only one in the entire stadium) and had his head buried in his hands. I will NEVER forget that moment. Me, in my childish pride that thought faith was about outward emotion, thought my dad was somehow lacking. Now I know the truth.

My emotions are all over the place these days. Of course on a day to day basis I busy myself for service to my kids and husband, but inside I groan for the Lord's return. I groan to be released from the chains of sin and brokeness. I groan to be released from the attacks of Satan and his bastardly attempts at damning anyone he can. I grip with all of my strength at any moment I can steal in the Word to be strengthened in the fight.

This morning in my Bible time I was reading in Matthew chapter 12 where it talks about Jesus being Lord of the Sabbath. The last couple of verses read, "I tell you, something greater than the temple is here. And if you had known what this means, 'I desire mercy, and not sacrifice', you would not have condemned the guiltless. For the Son of Man is lord of the Sabbath."
What comforting words when every day gets closer to the return of Christ.

I really struggle with the law. At least once a month I have a huge sobbing melt down about my inability to do good. I see the messy floors, the dirty laundry, the unfinished projects, and I feel that I am worthless in every way. And then I read, " I desire mercy, not sacrifice." This statement of Christ shields us from the law of the Pharisees and ultimately his sacrifice on the cross pays every debt...leaving us responsible for no sacrifice but free to live in Christ's mercy.

I still feel sad and even often when I read Scripture I feel sad. And when I sing old hymns in church I cry quietly to myself as I watch Christ's sacrifice be handed out for the sins of the world. I suppose my sadness will only grow as the devil's play increases in intensity on believers and unbelievers alike. But inside, deep inside is overwhelming overflowing joy, the joy that doesn't necessarily play out as a smile on my face, but as a well that gives me strength to put one foot in front of the other and causes me to keep one eye on the sky watching for the trumpets to sound.

All of John chapter 6 is amazing, but beginning at verse 51 is my favorite:, "I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. And the bread that I will give for the life of the world is my flesh." The Jews then disputed among themselves, saying, "How can this man give us his flesh to eat?" So Jesus said to them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day. For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him. As the living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so whoever feeds on me, he also will live because of me. This is the bread that came down from heaven, not like the bread the fathers ate and died. Whoever feeds on this bread will live forever." Do you know that the same Greek word for flesh in this passage is the word used when nailing Christ's flesh to the cross? This is no figurative language here!

How amazing that our God would give us something so real, something so physical, to show us His love, mercy, and forgiveness. It's like He drops down from heaven to hug us and declare us His! What blessed assurance, what a firm foundation!

Emotions are fleeting, feelings betray us, but the everlasting Father gave the Israelites manna in the wilderness, He gave circumcision to mark them as His own, he gave blood to smear on the doorposts to preserve the life of their firstborn and animals to slaughter in death for the wages of their sins! Our God does not change. With the coming of the Christ he gave us a new circumcision, baptism, to mark us as redeemed, and he gives us the true passover meal in the body and blood of Christ, to mark the doorposts of our mouth to save our very souls, and He gave his very Son as the atoning sacrifice for the sins of the world.

Oh blessed Lord, what words could I possibly say to thank you for your mercy?!"