Maybe you know you've arrived...

When you get to that point in your adulthood/motherhood where you realize you have nothing of importance to say. When you wake up so humbled by life that you just feel a lot quieter.

Writing has been hard since our last miscarriage in August. I might have had another one in September. I had 4 days of light positive tests before they got even lighter and I started. But I had just miscarried two babies in two months so honestly it felt like a continuation of the previous two, if it was.

But life is carrying on. My boys are all having birthdays and will soon be 8, 5, 4, and 2. My second will have a birthday in April and then we'll be able to have the nice even two year spacing until November when the birthday chain starts again.

School is going really well. But that's because we don't do it. I've decided to call our education "freestyle" until I come up with a better name. Basically I pick up things when and where I can use them for a little, put them away, use them again later or with another kid, etc etc. I have each kid practice reading each day using whatever I feel like on any given day, finding tools as each kid comes to a hurdle I can't get them through, but we're finding a lot of success. Our tool with our 5 year old is Teach your Child to Read in 100 easy lessons. I HATED it when I bought it with my first but holy moly, I lOVE it with my second! It gives us what we need, a sweet cuddle time on the couch and it's also great for him to look at my lips while we pronounce "new" sounds and then learn to make words with them. He's always struggled with pronunciation so it's working so well. We also do devotions every day which is the bulk of our education time right now. We read a Psalm, an Old Testament reading, a New Testament reading, a church Father writing, and a prayer for the day. Then we sing a hymn or two and then we read through an entire chief part using a "Follow and Do" book. Then we say Luther's Morning prayer and pray petitions for our family and friends.

My oldest is doing copy work through a Memoria Press book and my preschool/5K boys are doing some work in Rod and Staff workbooks but that's our stuff for now. I just love picking and choosing using curriculum like a took box when you're doing a job. The focus isn't the tool, it's the long term goals. For us our goals are Christ and family. Everything else will figure itself out.

I haven't conceived in 4 months now. This is strange, hard, grief causing, and...restful. God is gracious and merciful and while my heart yearns desperately for our family to grow more, it is what it is and Jesus is coming back.

My husband and I were talking tonight as I cried that it's been a year this week since I found out I was pregnant with our Anastasia. I said, "I wonder if it gets harder as we get older, you know, the knowing that things aren't the way they're supposed to be ever...even when we're at our happiest on earth." He said based on the shut-ins he visits he would say yes.

Do you feel it? The sensation that something isn't right, like a family member missing or that odd tingling in the back of your heart that something, something is amiss? I know what it is. It's heaven calling. We know this is not the way things are supposed to be. The Holy Spirit can't help but groan within us for the release from our sin and pain. He intercedes for us and we groan for release from labor into the birth into heaven. Come soon Jesus, come soon and take us home.