"Some went down to the sea in ships, doing business on the great waters; they saw the deeds of the Lord, His wondrous works in the deep. For he commanded and raised the stormy wind, which lifted up the waves of the sea. They mounted up to heaven; they went down to the depths; their courage melted away in their evil plight;
they reeled and staggered like drunken men and were at their wits' end. Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them from their distress. He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and he brought them to their desired haven." Psalm 107:23-30

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Lord, help.

I don't think I've ever been quite this tired in my entire life. I'm exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically. Doctors and midwives are a flurry of advice and testing over me right now with various answers and reasons behind all the loss and I'm trying to keep up with it all while randomly bursting into tears and yelling at my kids. Don't get me wrong, I'm OK, we did laundry, swept and mopped the floors, did devotions, and did our first day of school today. We did reading, phonics, math, geography, and science. We made paper airplanes and climbed the jungle gym in our backyard. I taught them to do handstands, cartwheels, and round offs. But between those moments my heart aches, my body feels desperately weak and tired, and I'm begging the Lord to forgive me, to heal me, and if He is angry with me, to help me to repent more fully. I'm begging Him to not forget me or leave me. I'm begging Him for mercy and for respite, something, anything, to give me a day or two of rest and joy in the midst of all this mess.
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2 comments:

  1. RebekahAugust 13, 2013 at 7:42 PM

    Two things.

    First,

    Luke 13:1 There were present at that season some that told him of the Galilaeans, whose blood Pilate had mingled with their sacrifices.

    2 And Jesus answering said unto them, Suppose ye that these Galilaeans were sinners above all the Galilaeans, because they suffered such things?

    3 I tell you, Nay: but, except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish.

    4 Or those eighteen, upon whom the tower in Siloam fell, and slew them, think ye that they were sinners above all men that dwelt in Jerusalem?

    5 I tell you, Nay: but, except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish.

    Jesus tells us outright that a specific instance of suffering cannot be known to us as a consequence of a specific sin. The wages of sin is death, and the rest is for God to understand.

    Second,

    In Dietrich von Hildebrand's Marriage: The Mystery of Faithful Love he argues that it cheapens love to qualify it in an attempt to make it greater. There is no such thing as "I love you so much" or "I love you a lot." There is only "I love you," because love is inherently absolute. Repentance is the same way. You cannot repent more fully, you can only repent, and you have done that, and you are doing it, and you can't improve on repentance any more than you can improve on love.

    Jesus loves you and he died to save you and your babies.

    ReplyDelete
  2. MelroseAugust 14, 2013 at 6:35 PM

    Thank you Rebekah.

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