"Some went down to the sea in ships, doing business on the great waters; they saw the deeds of the Lord, His wondrous works in the deep. For he commanded and raised the stormy wind, which lifted up the waves of the sea. They mounted up to heaven; they went down to the depths; their courage melted away in their evil plight;
they reeled and staggered like drunken men and were at their wits' end. Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them from their distress. He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and he brought them to their desired haven." Psalm 107:23-30

Thursday, August 15, 2013

On your expected due date.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have named my blog something more cheery. Perhaps it was a self fulfilling prophecy to name it something so gloomy. I really have been in shock of what a hard year this has been.

Yesterday and today I got some very sad news about two dear friends.

Tonight is the night we had planned to induce with Anastasia. I can't believe I would be in labor tonight if she had survived.

I guess the saying really is true, when it rains, it pours. Kind if makes me want to hide under a rock for awhile until it all passes...but the rock would probably crush me. :-p

In addition the outpouring of commentary since our loss this past Sunday has been exhausting. It goes something like this,

"Your body just needs some R&R. Time to take a rest." (So are you going to take my living kids for me then?)

"You just need a break." (See question above.)

"Maybe the Lord is telling you to be thankful for the family size you have." (Because being open to more kids does not show thankfulness for the ones I have?)

"You are done now right?" (Done what...having marital relations? Are you asking me about my intimate life?)

"Enough is enough." (Enough of what is enough? Inconveniencing you by my grief?)

"When are you going to stop hurting yourself?" (Because I am the one that chose to take these babies to heaven?)

I could go on.

How about we check and see what the Lord REALLY says on the matter:

As you do not know the way the spirit comes to the bones in the womb of a woman with child, so you do not know the work of God who makes everything. (Ecclesiastes 11:5, ESV)

 And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:21, ESV)
Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
the fruit of the womb a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
are the children of one's youth.
Blessed is the man
who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame
when he speaks with his enemies in the gate. (Psalm 127:3-5, ESV)

 From these, and there are many more (to see more simply go to www.esvbible.org and type in "womb" in the search box), we see at least 3 things:

1. Only the Lord God creates life.

2. Only the Lord God has authority over and allows life to be taken.

3. Children are a gift and blessing from the Lord. 

My life is not in danger. Shall I stop receiving God's gifts merely because it is not going the way I want it to? Like a stubborn toddler shall I sit and pout and refuse to do what my loving Father is telling me to do merely because I did not get my way?

 I am married. 

 My husband and I are healthy. (Though that doesn't really seem to have anything to do with this because who can really determine health? We've all seen that hammer drop even on the seemingly healthiest of people, but I digress.)  

 Therefore, we join as one flesh and receive what the Lord gives when and where He gives it. 

 I'm sorry to those of you who are tired of walking this journey with me. Believe me, if I were you I would probably want to stay away from me too. Who wants to be near one who is suffering, especially when this type of suffering makes us all feel so helpless...sinful...and makes us see how truly in need of a Savior, comforter we all are. It's OK if you don't want to suffer with me. It just so happens I have the most awesome husband in the entire world who more than makes up for any lack in my life and has held my hand this whole awful year. 

 But sweet Anastasia, I miss you sweetheart. I love you, I wish you were coming to my arms this very night, and I long to be with you in heaven. Happy expected birthday sweet baby.
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5 comments:

  1. AnonymousAugust 16, 2013 at 8:38 AM

    I can't believe people say those things to you! But, I worry about saying too much because I don't want to accidentally say something less helpful than I mean it. I'll try, though it's not the same thing. I've been dealing with secondary infertility for no known reason for several years. I sometimes think how I should have had another baby by now and even be expecting yet another. But the day hasn't come. It's not the same as losing your baby, but it is emotionally painful, and I am trying to accept what God gives me, while at the same time yearning for another baby. I'm already blessed by children, but would love more. I hope this doesn't sound rude. Children are a blessing, and you've done nothing wrong in being open to what God has given. We mourn the loss of your children, and pray for your healing.

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  2. MelroseAugust 16, 2013 at 10:25 AM

    Dear Anon, your words are so kind and there is a difference between someone offering words of comfort, even if not always worded in helpful ways, and someone obviously trying to make it all stop. I far too many times have tried to offer words of help/comfort and have failed miserably. Going through this has made me far more compassionate for those moments. We all worry about hurting our sisters in Christ and that just shows our heart is for the Lord and for service, "My sister must become greater, I must become less." So thank you for your kind words and I pray the Lord opens your womb and blesses you with many more dear children. Thank you for your prayers.

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  3. The MamaAugust 16, 2013 at 9:38 PM

    Come quickly, Lord. People are mean. Sometimes on purpose, sometimes on accident. I've never found either reason to soften the blow.

    I'm so sorry.

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  4. JoyAugust 18, 2013 at 9:58 PM

    Wow. It seems like such a short time ago. Happy expected birthday. Thank you for sharing your struggles that we might bear one another's burdens.

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  5. MelroseAugust 19, 2013 at 10:05 AM

    Thank you friends. Thank you for your compassion.

    ReplyDelete

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