Melt

I have a friend down the street who's official due date with her baby was the day after mine, tomorrow. Just as we expected to go early, she had her baby early last Monday. Earlier this year I was encouraged by a dear friend on this blog to pray for this woman as I struggled with my own loss and her pregnancy. So I was determined to serve her. And the Lord has given me that opportunity.

Tonight after bringing her another meal and dessert I was able to take one of the jars of the sitz bath I made for her home to refresh it and as she handed it to me I noticed her eyes looked really tired. Upon further prying she expressed the need for something for her baby to sleep in close to her other than her bed as her husband was not comfortable with the baby remaining where she could be squashed. I immediately offered my arm's reach cosleeper. But as I made my descent into the basement to gather it into my arms and put my hands on it it felt as if my insides melted. I know I cannot in any way compare what I am going through with Abraham's trust as he was about to slay his son Isaac but for some reason it came to mind. I feel like I am being given the opportunity to say goodbye to all of my own hopes and dreams and plans and ways I thought the Lord's plans for my life would carry out in exchange for what will really be, whether it is what I hoped for or not.  Life is not about personal gain. It is not about pride, prestige, personal fulfillment, setting goals, winning, money, being debt free, beauty, cleanliness, organization...

Life is about service, dying, and love. Life is about Jesus and that is what Jesus' life was all about.

I haven't amounted to anything praise worthy by the world's standards and can still see the disappointment in my teachers eyes when I did not chase the degrees I had been encouraged towards. It still hurts to think I might be a disappointment to those I love. I am not pious. I am not a good mother. I am not good at home schooling. But the Lord has redeemed me with His precious blood and I am His. And the only thing we have been given to do is die, serve, and love.  I didn't say die last because I'm not talking about physical death but dying to the world and to our own sinful desires. I am not good at this either, but the Lord is giving me many opportunities to practice this lately. Lord I am yours, heal me.

Happy due date actual sweet Anastasia. Today before I went up for communion I was marveling that our entire family of 8 children and Mama and Daddy were about to be together for the briefest meal and was thanking Jesus with tears for this time and as I walked up and two of my children started brawling in the pew and I had to drag them up to the rail the organ started playing the hymn that our pastoral care pastor so sweetly sang to your Daddy and me during a visit during all of these miscarriages. It has become very special to me ever since. It was like a little gift on this special day. I love you sweet child of mine.