Reality

This morning I was coaching gymnastics to a slew of little kids in our home school group. I was teaching the children how to do cartwheels and was on my knees helping children one by one. I had been doing it for quite some time and was starting to work up a sweat helping lift the children's legs off the ground when, out of nowhere I felt a familiar hot rush of what I was sure was blood. In one moment the entire past year came rushing back. I couldn't breathe and felt like the floor had just vanished from under me. I held my breath and then took a few deep breaths while finishing up with the children. Then I excused myself and rushed to a private place to assess the damage. There was nothing. Not a drop. And ya'll? I felt it as real as real can be. And yet it wasn't real. Unbelievable.

It took the rest of the day to get my head screwed on straight again. When I got home I spent some time sitting on the couch with a heating pad on my tummy (don't worry, not too much heat) because that strange cold feeling in my womb had crept back in and then a dear Pastor friend who also happened to grow up in the same church as me and sing in the youth choir with me, messaged me randomly to tell me how much he is praying for me and this baby of ours and how overjoyed he is for me. I told him my fears and how hard it is right now and he comforted me by telling me to look up a few hymns. One of the hymns was side by side with a hymn that we sang while we were faced with losing Amadeus last year so it was sweet to see that hymn again.

The main hymn this pastor offered was this:

"Lord, it Belongs Not to My Care" LSB: 757

Lord, it belongs not to my care whether I die or live; To love and serve Thee is my share, And this Thy grace must give.

If life be long, I will be glad that I may long obey; if short, yet why should I be sad to soar to endless day?

Christ leads me through no darker rooms than He went through before; He that unto God's kingdom comes must enter by this door.

Come, Lord, when grace has made me meet Thy blessed face to see; For if thy work on earth be sweet, What will Thy glory be!

Then shall I end my sad complaints and weary, sinful days and join with the triumphant saints who sing my Savior's praise.

My knowledge of that life is small, the eye of faith is dim; but 'tis enough that Christ knows all, and I shall be with Him.

After messaging with this Pastor I ate a small lunch, put my kids down for a rest, and then spent some time in prayer followed by a nap. Then we got up and headed to church for the Lent service and soup supper. I don't know how many days this baby has been granted to have earthly life or if those days will be very few remaining, but all I can do is lean on the faith Christ has granted me and keep walking this road, however dark it is. For one sweet day, the darkness will forever be banished, come what may.