A glimpse of the light

I am overjoyed to share that I got some more good news today. I went in for an hcg draw and my doctor called me from her cell phone tonight, yes, on a Saturday, to tell me my numbers look AWESOME!!! AHHHHH!!!!! My hcg is 155,000 and my progesterone is high as well. We are both so overjoyed with this news. She said she was shocked and could not believe how high those numbers are, this baby could have very well made up all the lack of growth in the past two weeks!!!

We are praying fervently for continued healing of the baby, his/her heart, and the hematoma.

I am going in hopefully Monday for an ultrasound and am having my apt on Tuesday.

Mind Games

Look into my eeeyyyyeeesss.....

My last miscarriage and now the situation we're in with this baby have produced some very interesting reactions in myself. Well, I suppose the only thing that makes them interesting is that I would succumb to behaviors I've seen in others and wondered if they realized what they were doing. Bargaining with God, thinking you know better than God, thinking you can trick God or outwit Him. The list goes on. All of course come from desperation and sin. Sometimes it's intentional, sometimes it's not and sometimes I don't even realize what I'm doing in my desperation to keep this baby here.

But a week ago someone close to me called me right after I had announced our promising news of our baby making it past when I was told I would miscarry by and the fact I was still nauseous just to tell me that my baby would probably still not make it and in fact could already be dead. She said that just because I was still nauseous did not mean anything because it takes time for the pregnancy hormones to leave even after a baby dies. I was horrified. I cried. I was so angry. Here I had a day of hope amidst so much worry, not just for the baby in my womb but for my own safety and my family going through all this with me, and she was stripping it away.

To explain to her how I felt I tried to tell her it would be as if she had shared that her husband nearly got in a crash on the way home from work, but Praise the Lord did not, and asked everyone to rejoice with her and instead I called her to say, " uh uh uh, not so fast, he could still die tomorrow on the way to work!"

This person apologized sincerely and she has made a huge effort to be more encouraging. In her defense she was not trying to hurt me, she just tends more towards realism than emotionalism. She thought if I was prepared for the worst it might not hurt as bad when or if it happens.

Now, a week later, I'm continuing to have very promising signals. What started out to be something very scary last night now seems like it may have been what I was praying for all along, that hematoma to finally go away. My womb is growing and my nausea continues. I'm waiting on a test result to come back (hcg) and will have an apt on Tuesday where hopefully all these questions will finally be answered.

But I'm learning so much in the waiting.

This morning I threw a huge temper tantrum. I apologize to friends and family who may have been on the other end of it by phone or email. You know who you are. I was angry, moody, and frustrated. Why can't this ever go easily!? To my poor husband I ranted about how unfair it is that women have to endure all this while they just watch. I was lamenting the waiting, the not knowing, and the certainty that awaits us all: death.

But I was right. My sister's husband could die tomorrow. I could die tomorrow. You could die tomorrow. My baby could die tomorrow. Just because an ultrasound may show my baby is still alive does not mean he or she is any less affected by the certainty that any day could be his or her last.

Suddenly the waiting doesn't seem as pressing. Because really we're all just as likely to die tomorrow as my baby is.

Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ that we have hope, peace, forgiveness, rest, and true life eternal.

And tonight when my toddler son threw a fit it was suddenly a lot easier to smile with pity and compassion at my mini me.

Heaven's morning breaks and earth's vain shadows flee. In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

A little light

The past few days have been so fun and peaceful. On Wednesday a dear friend came to visit with her 7 kids and husband for a conference in town that our husbands are attending. At first it was hard to focus with all the worry but then yesterday we took the kids to an indoor water park at the hotel where the conference was held and we had so much fun! My oldest son decided he was ready to brave the adult water slides and one of them was a double inner tube slide so I got to take him down his first water slide. I have to say, it had been a few years since I was on a real adult water slide, oh my word they are SO FUN!!!!! I was laughing and squealing the whole way down and so was my son. We then bolted back up the stairs and went down two more slides.

Then today I felt really tired in the morning. I was grouchy and not feeling well. At lunch time we headed to a barbecue with all the families at the conference and I was feeling a little better. Then we came home, took naps, and I woke up feeling awful again. Just nauseous and tired. Then the phone rang and my husband handed it to me. It was my grandmother. I am very close to my grandmother and I love her so dearly. I love it when she calls me out of the blue, it makes my whole day. I try to do the same for her when I'm not being eaten by little boys. Anyways, she called to tell me that she has been praying for my baby and that she really thinks my baby is going to live. We talked, laughed, and she told me some stories to encourage me.

When we got off the phone I was feeling happy and then about 20 min later the phone rang again, it was my doctor!!! I was shocked. I didn't know doctors, especially ones you are a brand new client to and have never even had an apt with before, called your house! She asked how I was doing. I told her that nothing was happening and that I was tired and nauseous. Well wouldn't you know she squealed and said, "Oh! This is very good! This is very encouraging!" She went on to say that my chances of having a healthy baby just went up considerably. My baby looked so close to death on Monday that the fact that I am still nauseous and have not had any signs of a miscarriage is so wonderful.

I don't know if my baby will survive this or not, but for some reason it makes me feel so happy that my baby has already defied the odds and is a fighter. If my baby gets too tired and needs to go to heaven I will be so sad but I will be so thankful for the time I had with him or her. I am so grateful this tiny one is hidden away inside of me and right now and I'm just praying for one day at a time. Thank you so much for joining me.

Specific prayers

I realized it may be helpful to give specific prayer requests while we wait. The large hematoma where the subchorionic hemorrhage was could be the reason why the baby is so far behind in development. It is very large and appears to be interfering with the placenta. Please pray it will reabsorb and that the baby will be able to get the nutrients he/she needs to grow. Please pray for the baby's heart to be strengthened and for the baby to grow and be protected from effects of having nutrients cut off. But most of all, please pray for peace no matter what the outcome.

Ordinary Miracles

Today I saw another little heart beating on ultrasound. It took my breath away and I cried tears of joy.

But even so my Dr has told me to prepare for a miscarriage this week. My baby is very behind in development with a very weak and slow heart. There's also a large subchorionic hemorrhage site from a hemorrhage I had yesterday still threatening me and the baby.

This afternoon my husband held me in our bed and I fought back tears. He gently gave my tummy a kiss and we smiled together at the life that for now is ours. We thanked God for it, oh how blessed I am to hold this baby! And he smiled and said to me, "We are storing up treasures in heaven."

We are indeed. God bless you my sweet baby. I love you forever, I always will, and I will meet you at the Savior's side. And if you really go, please say hi to my Daddy for me.

Worry and Guilt

One of the hardest things, as a Christian parent, is the future salvation of our children's souls. Oh and how Satan loves to torment faithful parents.

"Did God REALLY say..."

Satan loves to distort God's promises and cause confusion. We know that when a child is Baptized his sins are forgiven, his guilt removed, and the Holy Spirit granted for faith and strengthening day to day. Baptism now saves you.

"Did God REALLY say..."

But how easy it becomes to doubt GOD rather than man when a child goes astray. How could Baptism REALLY save when your child has now gone astray, left the church, and is living the life of a heathen?

This is why we have many churches today that do not see Baptism as salvific. People are confused. If it really saved then people could not go stray. And if people cannot go astray than we are slaves of a supposedly loving God. So, instead, people must choose salvation for themselves. And once they do they are saved for good. And if they go stray then they were not really saved, they had not REALLY made the choice in the first place. Therefore they have saved the dilemma, they have rescued God.

But the problem is not with God. It is with you.

God really did say that Baptism saves you.  "Baptism, which corresponds to this, now saves you, not as a removal of dirt from the body but as an appeal to God for a good conscience, through the resurrection of Jesus Christ,"
(1 Peter 3:21 ESV)

But God also did say people can be given over to sin even after knowing God.  "For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things."
(Romans 1:21-23 ESV)

It's funny. People do not want to be slaves of God, forced into salvation, but it also makes them uncomfortable that they perceive "Baptism now saves you" as a potential lie when it may very well not save you. They wish it would, completely, and without ability for one to fall away.

But we do not serve a dictator who imprisons His people. The problem is not with God and His promises, it is with you. With sin. With the world and with the Devil. And the Devil would LOVE for you to think it is with God. But point the finger where it is due, the master of lies himself, that bastard Satan.

Baptism does save you: completely. And it saves your children too. But what you fear is the devil, the world, and your child's flesh. And rightly so. They are strong to destroy.

And so we pray. We pray and we cling to God's promises given in Baptism, His Holy Word, Confession and Absolution, and the Lord's Supper.

And if a child goes astray, we grieve, we acknowledge with sorrow the power in this life of sin and death, but we rejoice in a Heavenly Father who loves us and our children far more than we ever could  and grieves their loss far more than we do and we wait with all prayers and hope that their hearts may not be hardened for good and that the Holy Spirit given them in their baptisms will indeed turn their wayward hearts back to the Lord Jesus before the wonderful day of Christ's return.

Lord have mercy and Come Soon Lord Jesus!

Summer

Warmth has finally come to our part of the world and with it very rambunctious boys that are up at 5, yes, that says FIVE, as in AM. And don't crash hard until 8.

My husband and I have been going to bed early, lights out at 9:30, so that we can get up somewhat happily with the children rather than parking them in front of the TV or something similar. My husband has been going down to the basement to work out while I get morning juice for the kids, their first breakfast, and something caffeinated for myself. (Tea has been my favorite as of late.)

But from then on my day is a blur. Seriously, my husband said partly joking partly in frustration that it's amazing we haven't lost one of them yet. We have a large back yard but it is not fenced which means my children are constantly bolting out the doors, all doors, in every which direction, in and out, in and out, up and down, crying and laughing, hitting and screaming, playing and teasing. I'm tired just thinking of another day coming. And somehow my 1 year old has mastered the art of making his dinner tray of his high chair look like he dumped all the food I gave him into a food processor and then painted his entire high chair with it. So gross.

It actually has been fun getting up early. Please don't tell anyone I said that. But it's nice to not feel even more 10 steps behind my kids because they've already been up 2 hrs before I even come out of my room. Instead I get to sit with them while they rub their eyes and tell me about their dreams and sometimes cuddle in my lap. My husband has always been the one to get up with older kids while I slept in a little with the baby but since we don't have a baby anymore and I'm not 11 weeks away from giving birth like I would be if we hadn't put a baby in the ground a few months ago, for once I can get up.

So I'm living the crazy life of a mom with 4 wild boys who I'm seriously considering teaching to use a hammer and nails because with the energy they have and the brute force with which they tackle everything in their path, I'm pretty sure they could have a gorgeous new house built for me by the end of the summer...or the week.

But I love my life. I wake up every day and cannot believe the Lord has given me what He has. Even when I pretend to be annoyed or tired or frustrated (OK, it's not always pretending ;) but even when I actually am those things, inside a constant flame burns that says "I am the happiest and most blessed woman on the entire planet."

And my husband is pretty hot too. :)