I've been kind of avoiding this place lately. I'm not sure why. With spring and now summer like weather I have been very busy outside. I planted a large garden in early spring in a small greenhouse we set up and last weekend my husband and I spent the entire weekend taking the greenhouse down, tilling, planting, laying straw, building a fence around it, etc. It was a ton of work but so rewarding. I now have about 25 tomato plants growing (roma mostly) so that come harvest I can process and can salsa, home made ketchup, and spaghetti sauce. We eat a lot of all three so I want it to be home made and cheap!
We also re-landscaped our entire front garden. When we moved in 2 1/2 years ago, the garden had three MASSIVE shrubs and some bulbs that came up each year. Last summer we removed the largest shrub...with our van. We're cool like that. Then a few weeks ago my husband and his brother removed the other two with an ax and man muscle. So over the last few weeks I have planted over 50 bulbs around our 3/4 of an acre, most of them in the front garden, and we also planted two magnolia trees in the front and I laid about 20 bags of mulch. I'm pretty proud I've done all of this work while also being in the first and beginning of my second trimesters.
Today I spent the entire day out pulling weeds, tending my garden, and then I surprised my husband and seriously deep cleaned our garage and reorganized it. All of this I did by myself!
A lot of people have asked me if, now that I'm 16 weeks along, I am able to breathe easy and know everything will be OK with this baby. I can't help but laugh and sigh all at once. A dear friend of mine lost her baby at 38+ weeks. Even before my long run of losses, I was never the same after that. Of course now it runs much deeper but I do not think I will ever feel the same about pregnancy again. I will always until I am, God willing, able to hold the baby in my arms, be aware that at any moment the Lord could call my baby home. This is sobering, scary, gives me nightmares that I'm waking up hemorrhaging as I miscarry...and yet, those are just bad moments. I've had enough suffering in the last year plus to know that suffering is just suffering. Bad moments are just bad moments. Death is just death, but only because Jesus took what sin and the devil meant for our permanent destruction and swallowed it up with His own death.
Christ Jesus lay in death's strong bands,
For our offenses given.
But now at God's right hand He stands,
and brings us life from heaven.
Therefore let us joyful be,
and sing to God right thankfully,
loud sonds of Alleluia, Alleluia!
It was a strange and dreadful strife,
when life and death contended;
The victory remained with life,
the reign of death was ended.
Holy Scripture plainly saith,
that death is swallowed up by death
It's sting is lost forever,
Alleluia!
I don't know what the future holds. I am so thankful for this rest from loss but I know that even if the Lord were to call this baby home, He would sustain me and my family. But for now we are able to rejoice and thank God for this miracle, praying fervently for this child's baptismal day to come in due time and that this child and the rest of our children will be sustained and granted earthly lives full of joy in their service to Christ and His church.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Monday, May 19, 2014
That thing.
It happened. I was laying back in the tub last night and felt a little reverberation from deep inside, just below my belly button. I looked down in surprise and pushed down firmly right where I had felt it. Then. BAM! That little fiery one kicked so hard I felt it both inside and out. Smile. And this Mama's heart beat wildly.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Mothers of the Church
They're easy to pick out. They sit with sweet smiles on their faces, perhaps a loving arm around their shoulder or sometimes none at all. Sometimes a tear is held shimmering and threatening to spill.
They are the mothers, not of children born to their flesh, but mothers still.
They hold our children when our arms are aching and they do it with such grace and tenderness. They teach Sunday school so we can sit for the one hour a week that we get to be the ones learning God's Word instead of teaching it or training during it. They look and smell like sweet spring flowers because that's what they are, a breath of fresh air to a Mama with many little children born from her flesh.
But today at church I couldn't think of how they have been a blessing to me, all I could think of was, "How can I be a blessing to them?" I have five living children, one in utero, but all I could think on was the ache of my empty arms as I bid farewell to 5 children the past year and it made my heart ache beyond words for my sisters who know that ache far worse.
Our church had a beautiful prayer for barren women in the prayers of the church, and, instead of focusing the sermon on "Mother's Day", my pastor delivered the most beautiful sermon on our Good Shepherd Jesus, and the way He cares for us so perfectly like no earthly mother could ever attain...and in the children's message the pastor handed out carnations to the little ones who came up to give to their Mamas in the pew. My heart cringed and crumpled within me as I glanced tentatively over my shoulder. Yes, there she is...and there she is....and there she is...oh sweet women, sweet mothers of our church...you deserve a whole bouquet of flowers!
I approached our senior pastor after church as he handed out flowers to ALL the women, even young single women, leaving our church. I said, "Oh Pastor, I'm so glad to see you giving flowers to ALL the women of our church who mother God's children in so many ways!" He looked somewhat guiltily at me while explaining we had too many left over since it was now the end of the second service. I said, "I wonder if next year we might order lots more? Perhaps after the service some of our little children could hand out flowers to all the women and thank them, all of them, for their love to our church?" He immediately went back to the altar guild ladies and told them of our new plans for next year.
Mothers of the church, you faithful women who serve and have always gone home to empty bedrooms and maybe an empty crib from a child gone home before you could hold him or her to the font, I prayed for you today. And I thought of you, thanked God for you, and you ARE mothers.
You are mothers when you remain steadfast in the faith you were baptized into because it is then that the little children in the pews around you SEE you in the pew and are encouraged by your presence and steadfastness. You are mothers when you kiss my kids cheeks, when you teach Sunday school, and when you smile at a little one flashing his chubby hands in a wave as he peeks up over the pew at you.
You are mothers simply by being faithful women in the church because that is who the church is, our mother, our blessed mother who comforts ALL of us. So even if you never teach Sunday School and the ways you serve and love are completely elsewhere, you are part of the body of Christ, part of His beloved church, and you are a blessed mother. Thank you. Thank you for your love, your service, and your example. I pray for you and am blessed to see you in the pews around me.
They are the mothers, not of children born to their flesh, but mothers still.
They hold our children when our arms are aching and they do it with such grace and tenderness. They teach Sunday school so we can sit for the one hour a week that we get to be the ones learning God's Word instead of teaching it or training during it. They look and smell like sweet spring flowers because that's what they are, a breath of fresh air to a Mama with many little children born from her flesh.
But today at church I couldn't think of how they have been a blessing to me, all I could think of was, "How can I be a blessing to them?" I have five living children, one in utero, but all I could think on was the ache of my empty arms as I bid farewell to 5 children the past year and it made my heart ache beyond words for my sisters who know that ache far worse.
Our church had a beautiful prayer for barren women in the prayers of the church, and, instead of focusing the sermon on "Mother's Day", my pastor delivered the most beautiful sermon on our Good Shepherd Jesus, and the way He cares for us so perfectly like no earthly mother could ever attain...and in the children's message the pastor handed out carnations to the little ones who came up to give to their Mamas in the pew. My heart cringed and crumpled within me as I glanced tentatively over my shoulder. Yes, there she is...and there she is....and there she is...oh sweet women, sweet mothers of our church...you deserve a whole bouquet of flowers!
I approached our senior pastor after church as he handed out flowers to ALL the women, even young single women, leaving our church. I said, "Oh Pastor, I'm so glad to see you giving flowers to ALL the women of our church who mother God's children in so many ways!" He looked somewhat guiltily at me while explaining we had too many left over since it was now the end of the second service. I said, "I wonder if next year we might order lots more? Perhaps after the service some of our little children could hand out flowers to all the women and thank them, all of them, for their love to our church?" He immediately went back to the altar guild ladies and told them of our new plans for next year.
Mothers of the church, you faithful women who serve and have always gone home to empty bedrooms and maybe an empty crib from a child gone home before you could hold him or her to the font, I prayed for you today. And I thought of you, thanked God for you, and you ARE mothers.
You are mothers when you remain steadfast in the faith you were baptized into because it is then that the little children in the pews around you SEE you in the pew and are encouraged by your presence and steadfastness. You are mothers when you kiss my kids cheeks, when you teach Sunday school, and when you smile at a little one flashing his chubby hands in a wave as he peeks up over the pew at you.
You are mothers simply by being faithful women in the church because that is who the church is, our mother, our blessed mother who comforts ALL of us. So even if you never teach Sunday School and the ways you serve and love are completely elsewhere, you are part of the body of Christ, part of His beloved church, and you are a blessed mother. Thank you. Thank you for your love, your service, and your example. I pray for you and am blessed to see you in the pews around me.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
What does this mean?-A Mother's Day post
I guess you could say that when Tom and I left Midland we had a mess of theories about how to raise children. We still have a mess of children, but no theories. Sure, 12 is still our number. It's the number of months my book was on the bestseller list. It's the number of job offers Tom turned down before we found one close to home. And each day it's the number of times I'm thankful there's such a thing as family. "Kate" -Cheaper by the Dozen
Mother. What does this mean? I once thought it meant making my children into what they needed to be. Kind. Generous. Believers in Christ. Joyful. Serving. Self controlled.
I could not have been more wrong. Oh and what a shame for the years I burdened myself with such an awful law which put me at war with my own children!
Here is why I was wrong:
I cannot MAKE my children into anything.
I cannot force-produce, or produce at all, fruits of the Spirit in my children.
I cannot create faith in my children.
I cannot keep my children from falling away from the faith.
No amount of perfection in me could ever make perfection in my children...especially when there's no amount of perfection in me and never will be on this side of heaven.
So what shall I do then? What does this mean?
It means I can commiserate.
It means I can ask forgiveness.
It means I can give rewards, blessings, treats...just because life IS hard, and I know this full well and I want you, my child, to know that I know it's hard and that somehow, together, we will press on.
It means neither you, my child, nor I, will ever be perfect here on earth so we will just have to muddle through as best we can, by the grace of God.
It means we can rejoice together when the sun shines and the good days come, and hold hands or cry together when the crosses are so hard.
It means I will make you go to church, as my father did to me, every single Sunday unless you can't get out of bed, because even though some days we both hate going because church is hard, a discipline rather than an emotional high, we know it is there that Christ comes to us, creates saving faith in us before we know to seek Him, indwells us with His Holy Word and His Body and Blood to sustain that faith and produce in us desires for the things of God, and fills us with His very Self. It is often the gifts that are the least flashy that are the ones we can't live without and that bring us the greatest help, love, and joy.
It means that I love you unconditionally, always and forever, bad days and good. It means I will fail. I will sin. I will yell. I will get angry. I will mess up big time....but I will always love you. I will always be here for you as long as the Lord gives me breath. And I would give my life for each one of you. To the children that have called me "Mom"..... and the ones that never got the chance.... I love you with my life.
Love, Mommy
Mother. What does this mean? I once thought it meant making my children into what they needed to be. Kind. Generous. Believers in Christ. Joyful. Serving. Self controlled.
I could not have been more wrong. Oh and what a shame for the years I burdened myself with such an awful law which put me at war with my own children!
Here is why I was wrong:
I cannot MAKE my children into anything.
I cannot force-produce, or produce at all, fruits of the Spirit in my children.
I cannot create faith in my children.
I cannot keep my children from falling away from the faith.
No amount of perfection in me could ever make perfection in my children...especially when there's no amount of perfection in me and never will be on this side of heaven.
So what shall I do then? What does this mean?
It means I can commiserate.
It means I can ask forgiveness.
It means I can give rewards, blessings, treats...just because life IS hard, and I know this full well and I want you, my child, to know that I know it's hard and that somehow, together, we will press on.
It means neither you, my child, nor I, will ever be perfect here on earth so we will just have to muddle through as best we can, by the grace of God.
It means we can rejoice together when the sun shines and the good days come, and hold hands or cry together when the crosses are so hard.
It means I will make you go to church, as my father did to me, every single Sunday unless you can't get out of bed, because even though some days we both hate going because church is hard, a discipline rather than an emotional high, we know it is there that Christ comes to us, creates saving faith in us before we know to seek Him, indwells us with His Holy Word and His Body and Blood to sustain that faith and produce in us desires for the things of God, and fills us with His very Self. It is often the gifts that are the least flashy that are the ones we can't live without and that bring us the greatest help, love, and joy.
It means that I love you unconditionally, always and forever, bad days and good. It means I will fail. I will sin. I will yell. I will get angry. I will mess up big time....but I will always love you. I will always be here for you as long as the Lord gives me breath. And I would give my life for each one of you. To the children that have called me "Mom"..... and the ones that never got the chance.... I love you with my life.
Love, Mommy
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Grace in parenting
This is a post that has probably been working itself out in my heart since...well, since my second son was born. I've come close to being able to put it into words before but have always failed. I'm not sure I'll be able to do it here tonight but I'm going to try, selfishly, more for my own benefit as I try to hash this out.
I want to spare details of why this came about mainly because it would take several posts in and of itself and it's too private but our second child had IMMENSE health struggles and challenges from the very beginning of his life. In fact, he had a rare cord abnormality that should have killed both of us during his pregnancy. The entire first 4 1/2 years of his life were a very hard blur. My third son came when my second was only 20 months old and in the middle of his terrible struggles which greatly impacted my ability to nurture him.
So fast forward to my second son being 6 and my third being 4 and everyone is healthy now. The health problems have been overcome...but the emotional scars of those awful and helpless years are still there...for me and the kids.
It causes me to worry, to stress, to overcompensate, to fear for my kids' salvation, for their happiness, and for our ability to be a strong and bonded family.
But...
I want to spare details of why this came about mainly because it would take several posts in and of itself and it's too private but our second child had IMMENSE health struggles and challenges from the very beginning of his life. In fact, he had a rare cord abnormality that should have killed both of us during his pregnancy. The entire first 4 1/2 years of his life were a very hard blur. My third son came when my second was only 20 months old and in the middle of his terrible struggles which greatly impacted my ability to nurture him.
So fast forward to my second son being 6 and my third being 4 and everyone is healthy now. The health problems have been overcome...but the emotional scars of those awful and helpless years are still there...for me and the kids.
It causes me to worry, to stress, to overcompensate, to fear for my kids' salvation, for their happiness, and for our ability to be a strong and bonded family.
But...
And there we have it. Grace. Peace. Healing. Forgiveness. Redemption. It is finished. Death is swallowed up by death. And Christ is Risen!
It is not just for us, it is for our children. And if we believe what we say about Baptism, namely, that in it the Holy Spirit indwells our children, grants them faith and the forgiveness of sins, then shall we let the devil taunt and mock us with sin, sickness, brokenness?
No, we say, "yes devil, what of it? We are sick, broken, see death, but Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again!"
So we, as parents, in the tiring and awfulness of a broken world, hold our children close and rejoice in complete forgiveness, grace, mercy, and faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, who loves our children and ourselves far more than we do. Will not He who died for us and in fact redeemed you through all your sins and falterings, will He not indeed keep your children and defend them against the devil, the world, and their sinful flesh and thus work out His good and gracious will in your children?
Lord grant me faith in your love, perseverance in the good fight, wisdom in all I do as wife and mother, and grace for each and every moment.
Come soon, Lord Jesus!
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