I have a friend down the street who's official due date with her baby was the day after mine, tomorrow. Just as we expected to go early, she had her baby early last Monday. Earlier this year I was encouraged by a dear friend on this blog to pray for this woman as I struggled with my own loss and her pregnancy. So I was determined to serve her. And the Lord has given me that opportunity.
Tonight after bringing her another meal and dessert I was able to take one of the jars of the sitz bath I made for her home to refresh it and as she handed it to me I noticed her eyes looked really tired. Upon further prying she expressed the need for something for her baby to sleep in close to her other than her bed as her husband was not comfortable with the baby remaining where she could be squashed. I immediately offered my arm's reach cosleeper. But as I made my descent into the basement to gather it into my arms and put my hands on it it felt as if my insides melted. I know I cannot in any way compare what I am going through with Abraham's trust as he was about to slay his son Isaac but for some reason it came to mind. I feel like I am being given the opportunity to say goodbye to all of my own hopes and dreams and plans and ways I thought the Lord's plans for my life would carry out in exchange for what will really be, whether it is what I hoped for or not. Life is not about personal gain. It is not about pride, prestige, personal fulfillment, setting goals, winning, money, being debt free, beauty, cleanliness, organization...
Life is about service, dying, and love. Life is about Jesus and that is what Jesus' life was all about.
I haven't amounted to anything praise worthy by the world's standards and can still see the disappointment in my teachers eyes when I did not chase the degrees I had been encouraged towards. It still hurts to think I might be a disappointment to those I love. I am not pious. I am not a good mother. I am not good at home schooling. But the Lord has redeemed me with His precious blood and I am His. And the only thing we have been given to do is die, serve, and love. I didn't say die last because I'm not talking about physical death but dying to the world and to our own sinful desires. I am not good at this either, but the Lord is giving me many opportunities to practice this lately. Lord I am yours, heal me.
Happy due date actual sweet Anastasia. Today before I went up for communion I was marveling that our entire family of 8 children and Mama and Daddy were about to be together for the briefest meal and was thanking Jesus with tears for this time and as I walked up and two of my children started brawling in the pew and I had to drag them up to the rail the organ started playing the hymn that our pastoral care pastor so sweetly sang to your Daddy and me during a visit during all of these miscarriages. It has become very special to me ever since. It was like a little gift on this special day. I love you sweet child of mine.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Thursday, August 15, 2013
On your expected due date.
Sometimes I wonder if I should have named my blog something more cheery. Perhaps it was a self fulfilling prophecy to name it something so gloomy. I really have been in shock of what a hard year this has been.
Yesterday and today I got some very sad news about two dear friends.
Tonight is the night we had planned to induce with Anastasia. I can't believe I would be in labor tonight if she had survived.
I guess the saying really is true, when it rains, it pours. Kind if makes me want to hide under a rock for awhile until it all passes...but the rock would probably crush me. :-p
In addition the outpouring of commentary since our loss this past Sunday has been exhausting. It goes something like this,
"Your body just needs some R&R. Time to take a rest." (So are you going to take my living kids for me then?)
"You just need a break." (See question above.)
"Maybe the Lord is telling you to be thankful for the family size you have." (Because being open to more kids does not show thankfulness for the ones I have?)
"You are done now right?" (Done what...having marital relations? Are you asking me about my intimate life?)
"Enough is enough." (Enough of what is enough? Inconveniencing you by my grief?)
"When are you going to stop hurting yourself?" (Because I am the one that chose to take these babies to heaven?)
I could go on.
How about we check and see what the Lord REALLY says on the matter:
As you do not know the way the spirit comes to the bones in the womb of a woman with child, so you do not know the work of God who makes everything. (Ecclesiastes 11:5, ESV)
And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:21, ESV)
From these, and there are many more (to see more simply go to www.esvbible.org and type in "womb" in the search box), we see at least 3 things:
My life is not in danger. Shall I stop receiving God's gifts merely because it is not going the way I want it to? Like a stubborn toddler shall I sit and pout and refuse to do what my loving Father is telling me to do merely because I did not get my way?
I am married.
My husband and I are healthy. (Though that doesn't really seem to have anything to do with this because who can really determine health? We've all seen that hammer drop even on the seemingly healthiest of people, but I digress.)
Therefore, we join as one flesh and receive what the Lord gives when and where He gives it.
I'm sorry to those of you who are tired of walking this journey with me. Believe me, if I were you I would probably want to stay away from me too. Who wants to be near one who is suffering, especially when this type of suffering makes us all feel so helpless...sinful...and makes us see how truly in need of a Savior, comforter we all are. It's OK if you don't want to suffer with me. It just so happens I have the most awesome husband in the entire world who more than makes up for any lack in my life and has held my hand this whole awful year.
But sweet Anastasia, I miss you sweetheart. I love you, I wish you were coming to my arms this very night, and I long to be with you in heaven. Happy expected birthday sweet baby.
Yesterday and today I got some very sad news about two dear friends.
Tonight is the night we had planned to induce with Anastasia. I can't believe I would be in labor tonight if she had survived.
I guess the saying really is true, when it rains, it pours. Kind if makes me want to hide under a rock for awhile until it all passes...but the rock would probably crush me. :-p
In addition the outpouring of commentary since our loss this past Sunday has been exhausting. It goes something like this,
"Your body just needs some R&R. Time to take a rest." (So are you going to take my living kids for me then?)
"You just need a break." (See question above.)
"Maybe the Lord is telling you to be thankful for the family size you have." (Because being open to more kids does not show thankfulness for the ones I have?)
"You are done now right?" (Done what...having marital relations? Are you asking me about my intimate life?)
"Enough is enough." (Enough of what is enough? Inconveniencing you by my grief?)
"When are you going to stop hurting yourself?" (Because I am the one that chose to take these babies to heaven?)
I could go on.
How about we check and see what the Lord REALLY says on the matter:
As you do not know the way the spirit comes to the bones in the womb of a woman with child, so you do not know the work of God who makes everything. (Ecclesiastes 11:5, ESV)
And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:21, ESV)
Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
From these, and there are many more (to see more simply go to www.esvbible.org and type in "womb" in the search box), we see at least 3 things:
1. Only the Lord God creates life.
2. Only the Lord God has authority over and allows life to be taken.
3. Children are a gift and blessing from the Lord.
I am married.
My husband and I are healthy. (Though that doesn't really seem to have anything to do with this because who can really determine health? We've all seen that hammer drop even on the seemingly healthiest of people, but I digress.)
Therefore, we join as one flesh and receive what the Lord gives when and where He gives it.
I'm sorry to those of you who are tired of walking this journey with me. Believe me, if I were you I would probably want to stay away from me too. Who wants to be near one who is suffering, especially when this type of suffering makes us all feel so helpless...sinful...and makes us see how truly in need of a Savior, comforter we all are. It's OK if you don't want to suffer with me. It just so happens I have the most awesome husband in the entire world who more than makes up for any lack in my life and has held my hand this whole awful year.
But sweet Anastasia, I miss you sweetheart. I love you, I wish you were coming to my arms this very night, and I long to be with you in heaven. Happy expected birthday sweet baby.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Lord, help.
I don't think I've ever been quite this tired in my entire life. I'm exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically. Doctors and midwives are a flurry of advice and testing over me right now with various answers and reasons behind all the loss and I'm trying to keep up with it all while randomly bursting into tears and yelling at my kids. Don't get me wrong, I'm OK, we did laundry, swept and mopped the floors, did devotions, and did our first day of school today. We did reading, phonics, math, geography, and science. We made paper airplanes and climbed the jungle gym in our backyard. I taught them to do handstands, cartwheels, and round offs. But between those moments my heart aches, my body feels desperately weak and tired, and I'm begging the Lord to forgive me, to heal me, and if He is angry with me, to help me to repent more fully. I'm begging Him to not forget me or leave me. I'm begging Him for mercy and for respite, something, anything, to give me a day or two of rest and joy in the midst of all this mess.
Embryo Adoption
This post will be very hard to write because now it hits much closer to home. We rejoice with the lives that are to be born and baptized into Christ and rejoice that these children have survived and will have a loving home.
But to Hannah he gave a double portion, because he loved her, though the Lord had closed her womb. 1 Samuel 1:15
As you do not know the way the spirit comes to the bones in the womb of a woman with child, so you do not know the work of God who makes everything. Ecclesiastes 11:5
We are being tempted into the devil's lair. This wolf in sheep's clothing is prowling on the Christian's desire to help the helpless and leading us into the snare. For every time we try to help we are not only taking into our bodies the union of another man and woman but then we face a completely different struggle. In a recent thawing of children two children were killed. It was not intentional, but it happened. The order to thaw these children killed them. They would certainly have died if left frozen, but still they were killed. Every time these children are thawed, many of them die.
Sin boldly? Not when that sin steps into the devil's lair and not only commits adultery and murder (intentional or not), but also enables more of these children to be removed and frozen. Frozen embryos have to be paid for. Some of the situations do not seem to enable more. Some poor couple has embryos frozen and finds out they cannot be implanted for one reason or another and seeks to have them adopted out so they do not die. These children are sacrificed on the altar of human desire. Their sin is on their children's lives. That they chose to do this to their children is abusive and wrong. And sadly, they are not ours to help. Our marriage vows bind us and these children are the Lord's.
As Christians we have been warned. We are bound to holy living and are commanded in all things to seek out holiness and righteousness. We have to fight. As an advocate and voice for these children I insist that we are being far more helpful to them to pray for them continuously and fervently and to fight feverishly for an end to ivf. We must realize that the Lord has not given these children to us. They are not ours, they are His. We have no right over them.
Some Christians try to compare embryo adoption to adoption of children who have already been granted an earthly life. There is no comparison to taking a child under one's roof who is in need of parents and asking a woman to take the fruit that is not hers into her womb that God has not given to her womb.
A friend of mine recently shared a story about her word being spoken to her children and one of her children coming in to make her case about why her sibling should still be punished. "Because Mama, this child did this and that and last time you said that this would happen" etc etc. My friend shared that she had to explain to her child that the most important thing is that you obey my word, not that you question and try to reason why something is OK. It is tempting to try and reason away the loopholes and let one seemingly good thing out-weigh the fact that we are disobeying God's Word. But we must stand firm and not give the devil and the world the tiniest hold on our souls.
I am choosing to turn off the comments to this post because this is not the place to debate. Read what I've written and go discuss it with your pastor. I am discussing it with mine as well as with other Christians. This is a very hard thing with lots of emotion tied to it and I do not deny that I am free from emotion. As a mother who has had three children of my own die this year the thought of being the hand that caused even one more death makes me want to vomit. I rejoice at the lives that are soon coming to the family that got me thinking on this and rejoice that indeed God can work good in any situation. I grieve for the children lost in the thawing and I pray Come Soon Lord Jesus!
But to Hannah he gave a double portion, because he loved her, though the Lord had closed her womb. 1 Samuel 1:15
As you do not know the way the spirit comes to the bones in the womb of a woman with child, so you do not know the work of God who makes everything. Ecclesiastes 11:5
And when he has made her drink the water, then, if she has defiled herself and has broken faith with her husband, the water that brings the curse shall enter into her and cause bitter pain, and her womb shall swell, and her thigh shall fall away, and the woman shall become a curse among her people. Numbers 5:27
On you was I cast from my birth,
and from my mother's womb you have been my God. Psalm 22:10
The wicked are estranged from the womb;
Thus says the Lord, your Redeemer,
Who are these frozen children? Each one of them is a living child. And yet none of them have been granted earthly life. They are frozen in time at a time when they should still be growing in the womb. Children of the womb have not been given over to earthly life, they are in a realm mostly outside of earthly control. They are in a realm that is under completely control and authority of the Lord. As their Creator, they are under His care and providence. And yet we have pulled them out, frozen them, and left them. But the Lord has not.
As Christians we desire to save the weak, to help the helpless. But here we face a very hard trouble, a wolf in sheep's clothing. Because here we are being asked to take a one flesh union of another woman and another man into our wombs that have been set apart for the one flesh union between me and my husband. Or you and your husband. That alone is wicked. As the church would no more agree with a woman sleeping with another man or a man sleeping with another woman to conceive, we should no more agree with embryo adoption simply because the act of sex is removed.
To remove life and allow it to grow in a dish is idolatry. It is playing, pretending, to be God. Some would claim it is not possible to play God because only God can be God. It is true that only God can be God but it is also true that God gives people over to their wickedness and allows things to happen. Every day wicked people conceive. Babies are thrown away shortly after birth. Cain was allowed to kill Abel. These babies are being permitted to grow in a dish and killed. Just because it is happening does not mean it is God's will, it is simply that God has given us over to our sin.
Christian parents do good to desire the gifts of God. When the gifts of God do not come or they die in the womb over and over it is maddening. And so we look elsewhere in our desire to help other children. But are these children of someone else's womb ours to help? What, when they are adopted by well-meaning Christian parents, are we saying is most important? Their salvation, of course, is most important. But where does salvation come from? We know that the Holy Spirit creates faith when and where He pleases. We also know that babies in the womb can be granted faith without ever seeing the waters of Holy Baptism as proven in John the Baptist leaping in his mother's womb at the voice of the mother of his Lord. And so as Christian parents do we do good to take these children into our own wombs or do we do better to pray fervently for these children that the Lord would indeed be their care and grant them faith?
Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls aroundlike a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. (1 Peter 5:8-9, ESV)We are being tempted into the devil's lair. This wolf in sheep's clothing is prowling on the Christian's desire to help the helpless and leading us into the snare. For every time we try to help we are not only taking into our bodies the union of another man and woman but then we face a completely different struggle. In a recent thawing of children two children were killed. It was not intentional, but it happened. The order to thaw these children killed them. They would certainly have died if left frozen, but still they were killed. Every time these children are thawed, many of them die.
Sin boldly? Not when that sin steps into the devil's lair and not only commits adultery and murder (intentional or not), but also enables more of these children to be removed and frozen. Frozen embryos have to be paid for. Some of the situations do not seem to enable more. Some poor couple has embryos frozen and finds out they cannot be implanted for one reason or another and seeks to have them adopted out so they do not die. These children are sacrificed on the altar of human desire. Their sin is on their children's lives. That they chose to do this to their children is abusive and wrong. And sadly, they are not ours to help. Our marriage vows bind us and these children are the Lord's.
As Christians we have been warned. We are bound to holy living and are commanded in all things to seek out holiness and righteousness. We have to fight. As an advocate and voice for these children I insist that we are being far more helpful to them to pray for them continuously and fervently and to fight feverishly for an end to ivf. We must realize that the Lord has not given these children to us. They are not ours, they are His. We have no right over them.
Some Christians try to compare embryo adoption to adoption of children who have already been granted an earthly life. There is no comparison to taking a child under one's roof who is in need of parents and asking a woman to take the fruit that is not hers into her womb that God has not given to her womb.
A friend of mine recently shared a story about her word being spoken to her children and one of her children coming in to make her case about why her sibling should still be punished. "Because Mama, this child did this and that and last time you said that this would happen" etc etc. My friend shared that she had to explain to her child that the most important thing is that you obey my word, not that you question and try to reason why something is OK. It is tempting to try and reason away the loopholes and let one seemingly good thing out-weigh the fact that we are disobeying God's Word. But we must stand firm and not give the devil and the world the tiniest hold on our souls.
I am choosing to turn off the comments to this post because this is not the place to debate. Read what I've written and go discuss it with your pastor. I am discussing it with mine as well as with other Christians. This is a very hard thing with lots of emotion tied to it and I do not deny that I am free from emotion. As a mother who has had three children of my own die this year the thought of being the hand that caused even one more death makes me want to vomit. I rejoice at the lives that are soon coming to the family that got me thinking on this and rejoice that indeed God can work good in any situation. I grieve for the children lost in the thawing and I pray Come Soon Lord Jesus!
Monday, August 12, 2013
Alleluia Abel 8-11-13
Dear sweet baby, we were just as thrilled about your presence in my belly as we were about our very first child. It's so hard to believe we have as many children in heaven now as we do on earth. I love you with all my heart. Until we meet again sweet baby, Christ keep you and hold you.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
The roller coaster of repeat miscarriages is one I never hoped to ride. Of course anyone could say that, who WANTS to feel the sting of death...in your body....your own sweet fruit of your marriage, crushed...over and over? It's as if the beautiful path before you just stops, with no warning...and no where to go.
If anyone had told me at the start of this year that I would be blessed with THREE children I never would have believed them. Three kids!! Of course it's two headstones added to the yard so far. sigh.
Every morning I open my blinds and look out to our sweet babies right outside my window. I can't help but smile. Part of the committal rite has a very sweet prayer about keeping the space safe until the resurrection. I imagine this invisible fortress of protection around my sweet babies' remains and sometimes even an angel or two standing guard. They are the very creation of the hands of God, they have tasted the wages of sin, but their flesh was bathed in the blood of Christ and they are the product of the fruit of a Christian marriage, of two baptized children of God. They are heirs, my sweet babies.
And now our third. I'm so excited, like the very first pregnancy. I want to buy everything (but I haven't :). I even saw this cute dress for 3.50 at walmart that I almost bought just in case this one is a girl. But I will wait for now. This morning I had a little scare. It was nothing, just my imagination, but for a moment I thought everything was crashing down again. There is nothing like the moment when your child's life is stripped away. The horror, the devastation...the death of all that was to come in one moment. I have to imagine it's like being hit by a train.
I don't want to go there again. But it's not a path I can choose or not choose. I am the clay, He is the potter. I submit to His molding because it's not as if the clay can choose otherwise. Nor would the clay, if he had any sense whatsoever, choose to leave the hands of a loving, wise, attentive-to-detail potter.
Lord mold me and shape me. Love me and hold me. Forgive me and strengthen me. Give me wisdom and help me to love and serve others with every breath I have, forsaking all else to love and be a blessing to all those you have lovingly formed in their mother's wombs. Lord help me to repent more fully and help others to become more while I become less.
Christ keep me.
Christ keep you.
Photo Credit: the amazingly talented Lois Yennie Turnwald
If anyone had told me at the start of this year that I would be blessed with THREE children I never would have believed them. Three kids!! Of course it's two headstones added to the yard so far. sigh.
Every morning I open my blinds and look out to our sweet babies right outside my window. I can't help but smile. Part of the committal rite has a very sweet prayer about keeping the space safe until the resurrection. I imagine this invisible fortress of protection around my sweet babies' remains and sometimes even an angel or two standing guard. They are the very creation of the hands of God, they have tasted the wages of sin, but their flesh was bathed in the blood of Christ and they are the product of the fruit of a Christian marriage, of two baptized children of God. They are heirs, my sweet babies.
And now our third. I'm so excited, like the very first pregnancy. I want to buy everything (but I haven't :). I even saw this cute dress for 3.50 at walmart that I almost bought just in case this one is a girl. But I will wait for now. This morning I had a little scare. It was nothing, just my imagination, but for a moment I thought everything was crashing down again. There is nothing like the moment when your child's life is stripped away. The horror, the devastation...the death of all that was to come in one moment. I have to imagine it's like being hit by a train.
I don't want to go there again. But it's not a path I can choose or not choose. I am the clay, He is the potter. I submit to His molding because it's not as if the clay can choose otherwise. Nor would the clay, if he had any sense whatsoever, choose to leave the hands of a loving, wise, attentive-to-detail potter.
Lord mold me and shape me. Love me and hold me. Forgive me and strengthen me. Give me wisdom and help me to love and serve others with every breath I have, forsaking all else to love and be a blessing to all those you have lovingly formed in their mother's wombs. Lord help me to repent more fully and help others to become more while I become less.
Christ keep me.
Christ keep you.
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