The roller coaster of repeat miscarriages is one I never hoped to ride. Of course anyone could say that, who WANTS to feel the sting of death...in your body....your own sweet fruit of your marriage, crushed...over and over? It's as if the beautiful path before you just stops, with no warning...and no where to go.

Photo Credit: the amazingly talented Lois Yennie Turnwald

If anyone had told me at the start of this year that I would be blessed with THREE children I never would have believed them. Three kids!! Of course it's two headstones added to the yard so far. sigh.

Every morning I open my blinds and look out to our sweet babies right outside my window. I can't help but smile. Part of the committal rite has a very sweet prayer about keeping the space safe until the resurrection. I imagine this invisible fortress of protection around my sweet babies' remains and sometimes even an angel or two standing guard. They are the very creation of the hands of God, they have tasted the wages of sin, but their flesh was bathed in the blood of Christ and they are the product of the fruit of a Christian marriage, of two baptized children of God. They are heirs, my sweet babies.

And now our third. I'm so excited, like the very first pregnancy. I want to buy everything (but I haven't :). I even saw this cute dress for 3.50 at walmart that I almost bought just in case this one is a girl. But I will wait for now. This morning I had a little scare. It was nothing, just my imagination, but for a moment I thought everything was crashing down again. There is nothing like the moment when your child's life is stripped away. The horror, the devastation...the death of all that was to come in one moment. I have to imagine it's like being hit by a train.

I don't want to go there again. But it's not a path I can choose or not choose. I am the clay, He is the potter. I submit to His molding because it's not as if the clay can choose otherwise. Nor would the clay, if he had any sense whatsoever, choose to leave the hands of a loving, wise, attentive-to-detail potter.

Lord mold me and shape me. Love me and hold me. Forgive me and strengthen me. Give me wisdom and help me to love and serve others with every breath I have, forsaking all else to love and be a blessing to all those you have lovingly formed in their mother's wombs. Lord help me to repent more fully and help others to become more while I become less.

Christ keep me.

Christ keep you.