Faith

For the past couple of weeks I have been pondering faith, its source, and the result when faith has its way with our hearts.

 We know from all of the Scripture passages on faith that faith is given not conjured up of ourselves. It is impossible to create except by God alone because it is knowledge of Him, which comes only from Him. We also know that for those IN the faith, grace abounds, even as we literally die and drown every day in our sinful filth through confession and are raised in our Baptism to continue on in love and acts of service.

In light of this I think of parenting my little boys. And the question comes to mind, is the way I parent in line with what we believe about salvation? Does my parenting express that it is the Lord that has saved them and granted faith or that they themselves... Or I myself.. Somehow must work it out?

Unfortunately I think it's so easy to forget and to cling desperately to our own works. For me it plays out when I get angry over their sin and yell and berate them. I tell myself what I'm doing is justified, they deserve it, and it's even good because I must show them their sin and force them into repentance and faith. Surely if I use enough words and reprimand them enough they will turn to God and good works. I get so angry, they so often don't respond the way I want, and then, oh why do I feel so deflated and alone afterwards?

I will never be able to turn them to Christ. Christ alone can do that. I CAN set up rules, enforce them with loving authority, and with calm dignity discipline for disobedience to God's Word. But I have no right to become emotional or angry. I might say, "Oh yes I do! I'm angry because I'm zealous for God!" God does not need you to be zealous for Him. He alone has the right to be angry over sin. We ourselves are just as guilty as our children and their sin should be cause for further repentance on our part.

So we discipline, we repent ourselves, and we keep on in desperate endurance as we await Christ's return. Come quickly Lord Jesus.

Trucking along.

I wrote the title to this post feeling pretty positive today but then had to laugh out loud. There is nothing organized, orderly, or emotionally stabilizing about home schooling 4 boys 8 and under and being pregnant with a baby while also watching an infant full time. There just isn't.

But somehow we keep trucking a long. I'm learning that less is more. I'm learning that we should have very few things that we order our day around in order to keep from getting so stressed out that I literally accomplish nothing and instead end up a huge crying mess.

So what do we order our days around? Breakfast, Bible/Catechism/Hymn time, Lunch, quiet time, Dinner, and Bible time with Daddy.

I've also embraced the fact that my oldest is now very capable of being independent in his lessons. He has a math book he is mostly capable of doing alone with short moments of guidance from me, he is interested in learning cursive so I bought him two workbooks that complement each other and he's working through those, and we're working through two different chapter books right now in addition to an audio book series he listens to every day and narrates to his dad when he gets home. We have multiple other things we pick up when we feel like it, social studies and science type books, but it's so nice to be able to, between all the above things we schedule our day around, say, "Hey, I see you're looking for something to do, go grab your math book and I'd like you to do three pages please."

We have a motto in our home, "We work before we play." My kids know that just like the daily household maintenance chores I ask them to do, school work is part of their whole duty of a child which means that it enables them to better serve their family, which is their current vocation. Of course, the typical amount of time they are asked to do anything from curriculum is very small right now because most of the day they are so full of questions of their own and are buried in our books, reference books, and having me look things up online for them. I am much more inclined to watch them hungrily devour knowledge they are pursuing on their own until they are of age where they will be working hard towards a goal that will enable them to pursue their new vocations as adults.

The hard part, for me, is not losing it in the chaos. There just is no perfect way to feel complete order and control when one is managing education, home, meals, outside of the home activities and friends, etc. So, I'm sticking with less is more for now and trying to enjoy these last 10 weeks (!!!!!!) of pregnancy and the baby kicking the daylights out of my ribs.

Homeschooling Real life style

It's 8:15 at night and it feels like 10...maybe 11. My neck hurts, my back hurts, and I can hardly keep my eyes open. Today was a good day. God has made me rich in my vocation. Notice I did not say it was a good day because anything particularly fun happened today or because I got to DO anything fun today, but it was good because what God ordains is always best. It was good because it was a day of love and service and God has given me so many ways to serve. Here is one day of many (today):

6:15am: 2 year old wakes up and begins calling to his three brothers in his room that he needs to go potty. I kick my husband and ask him to go help said 2 yr old so his brothers can sleep a little longer. He very graciously obliges and I fall back asleep.

7:05: get up, kiss children good morning, head down to basement to work out.

7:45: dart up the stairs, drink a glass of water, do strength training in the piano room with kids climbing on me and mimicking me.

8:00: kiss husband goodbye, open front door for drop off of baby we are watching full time.

8:05: put on educational show for kids, baby secure in bouncy seat with the kids in the living room, jump in shower.

8:20: Make bed, pray.

8:30: change baby's diaper, put her down for a nap, take kids into kitchen for Bible study. This is probably my favorite time of the day. All four boys gathered coloring supplies and sat down while I opened up to today's readings in the Treasury of Daily Prayer. I am so thankful for the Treasury because just like in Divine Service we get a daily Psalm, Old Testament, and Gospel/Epistle reading (so unlike DS we only get one, either Gospel or Epistle). Then there is a church Father Writing and we also know if there is a specific commemoration that day with an explanation of who the person was or what the commemoration is about.

Devotion time is one I have really struggled with. I grew up in the Baptist belt where one's "personal relationship" with Jesus was emphasized over and over and over. "Devotions" were all about "listening" to Jesus, trying to hear some personal message for you through His Word, some whispering in the wind meant just for you that day. It was all about feelings, emotions, metaphysical gobbledygook. I shake my head now that I ever felt so guilty and so pressured into thinking that was correct. I still fight that mentality today. For the longest time I have made my children sit with nothing to do during our entire 45 min of Bible study, questioning them repeatedly throughout to make sure they were PAYING ATTENTION. But lately I've realized that while there is nothing wrong with helping children learn to sit still, and training them for church on Sunday is good and well, perhaps there is no harm in letting them color and scribble quietly while we read...after all, if I truly believe God's Word does what it says, that it is Living and Active, sharper than any two edge sword, then is it really about them? No. It is not. So they colored. Between readings we pause and youngest to oldest they get to share what they heard, or nothing at all. Questions come up, I try to hold off interruptions until the end of the reading but sometimes we pause. Today the OT reading was David and Bathsheba. You can imagine the questions that brought up. I have never been so thankful to be home schooling where we can age appropriately discuss adultery. I love that there is nothing we won't discuss with our children, they are learning from the earliest age that communication is always open in our home and there is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about even when we must discuss hard things.

After the readings we did our hymn study. We are working on "The Church's One Foundation" and "A Mighty Fortress". We go over when it was written, who wrote it, who composed the tune, etc and we sing each hymn in its entirety. Well, I do. Voices ebb and flow and I don't force it. They listen, hum, tap on the table, sing a line then fall silent. But my favorite thing is when I walk by them later in the day and while they are deep in play they are singing the hymn all on their own.

After hymn study we read our "Follow and Do" book for the week. This week we are working on the 10 commandments. Those Follow and Do books by CPH have made learning the catechism so simple and beautiful with their sweet illustrations but complete sections of the chief parts.

Finally we close in prayer by saying Luther's Morning prayer and sometimes extra petitions for other things. Lately the children have been praying that our church will open the Lord's Supper to them so that they might be strengthened too by Jesus' Body and Blood.

When devotions were over the children showed me what they had drawn during Bible study. My oldest showed me a drawing with landscape of a bald eagle. He made a point to show me that there were things in the background, middle ground, and foreground. He of course did not know these titles so we discussed them and I explained the purpose of each in a piece of art work. My second oldest, who is often very quiet about his faith and often very unexpressive and almost non interested (another time I am thankful to not be non-denominational or Baptist where my trust in his salvation would be in his own works, or lack thereof) quietly and almost embarrassed showed me what he had been drawing...page after page of beautifully designed churches. I smiled privately and whispered to him how beautiful his drawings were. The two year old proudly carried his OWN color book back to the cabinet and put his crayons away and the 4 year old asked me questions about the wolverine he had colored from his Alaskan Animals coloring book.

9:35: heat baby's bottle, get baby up, go into living room to feed baby and read stories to the kids. First we read "The Mitten" and "Goldilocks and the Three Bears". In keeping with yesterday, we spent these two books looking for the "ch" "th" "sh" and "wh" consonant digraphs. Each time we found one we would pause on the word, say the digraph together, then sound out the rest of the word. My 2 and 4 year olds are getting really good at spotting them before we even get to the word and then excitedly pointing them out. The 8 year old and 6 year old are a little tired of me pausing in the story to point out something they already know and yet they are very patient and get excited to see their brothers learning. When each story ended each child got to dictate back to me some of what they heard, ask questions, and answer questions I thought of.

10: baby is done drinking bottle, burp her, change her, put her on play mat while kids grab snacks. The snack choice for today was handfuls of pretzels. The giant tub we got from Costco was limited edition pretzels shaped like footballs, football helmets, and football fields. The kids were very excited about these shapes and I explained to them that they are only "limited edition". We discussed what this meant, why it was smart advertising wise, and what limited edition shapes might be next (Halloween? Christmas?).  We sat back down on the couch with baby playing next to us and read "Mouse Tales". We talked about the homophones "tail" verses "tale", how they are each spelled and what their different meanings are. Then we read the stories in the book. We also ended up discussing what a "tall tale" is due to the  nature of the stories in the book.

10:40: kids ran to play.

10:40-11:30: My oldest folded a load of laundry for me while the two middles took our dog out for some exercise in the backyard. I vacuumed and mopped the kitchen floor, checked my yogurt that I started yesterday, wiped the counters down and the table, and laid the baby back down for a short snooze because she was rubbing her eyes.

11:30-12: played outside with the boys. My oldest began asking questions about our read-aloud "The Secret Garden" from yesterday. We checked our garden, looked at the progress of our apples on our apple tree, watched some airplanes fly over, and the boys showed me some traps they were working on building.

12: lunch prep, lunch, lunch clean up. The boys all help, they all clear their spots, and they all take turns getting drinks, getting plates, getting out dips, etc.

12:35: get baby up, feed her second bottle, change diaper, fold a load of laundry with her playing next to me and the boys playing around her and talking to her.

1pm: put 2 year old down for a nap, a friend of the kids' comes over to play.

1-3: kids play hard outside. Baby plays then goes down for a nap at 2. I fold laundry, straighten house, check email, and begin dinner preparations.

3: get baby up, feed, change diaper and get her ready for pick up. Baby and kids' friend leave at 3:30.

3:30-4:30: give kids snack, sit down on couch for our read-aloud. 2 year old wakes up, I take him potty and he joins us for read-aloud. We read two chapters of "The Secret Garden" and discuss any new words. The kids guess the definition of the word based on it's context, sometimes we look up words in the dictionary and try to come up with new sentences for the word, and when we are done each kid, youngest to oldest gets to dictate back what they heard. Again I ask questions to prompt them or keep them moving.

4:30 kids go play with toys upstairs while I change into a fresh shirt (too much baby spit up) and finish dinner prep.

5:30: welcome Daddy.

This is what our day looked like today. Tomorrow it will look completely different. Some days we do math pages and play with math manipulatives. Right now each kid has their own math book, either Singapore or Rod and Staff. We do it when we feel like it, and I try to make sure that is at least 2-3 times a week. But more and more I feel comfortable teaching through life. I don't need a curriculum to point out all the words that start with "th", "wh", "ch", or "sh" in a book. And starting this young gets kids really focusing on words while we read...it teaches them HOW to read without some hyper time consuming "curriculum". But even more important, it teaches them HOW to LEARN. By observation. By asking questions. By talking to others. By looking in a book.

It has taken me a long time to get this comfortable with real life learning. I still freak out on a very regular basis wanting charts, control, "100 easy ways to homeschool a child into a perfect child".

But here's the thing: when I feel like that I want to ask myself, "You crazy girl, what are you thinking imagining that teaching your children in a way that revolves around real life (family, meals, service) will actually prepare them for REAL LIFE?!" Oh, wait...it will. :) And the other day, when one of the boys came running inside with a question about the sun as he observed it in his play out doors, we grabbed a nearby ball off the floor, tilted it, and spun it around while I held it up over my head by our chandelier that is over our kitchen table. In about 10 minutes the kids all understood orbit, why a day is 24 hours and one full revolution of the earth, why a year is 365 days and one full orbit around the sun, etc. No text book, no graph or diagram, just a ball, a light, and kids running back outside to look up into the sky.

Our life is not organized, it is not super structured, it is messy and chaotic sometimes, and every day at day's end I look back and see opportunities I missed to teach them that one more thing or to have structured that one other moment better... but every day we have breakfast, Bible time, lunch, dinner, and Daddy (and another Bible/prayer time led by Daddy in the evening) and every day my kids have more questions, more energy, and we keep on rich in our vocations of mother, father, husband, wife, brother, son, neighbor, and friend. We live to serve and love. And tomorrow is another day to be rich in our vocations.

Planning

I loved school when I was a kid. Nothing excited me more than that back-to-school shopping list and filling my new back pack with all the perfect supplies in all their brand new perfection. I loved perfect college-ruled notebook paper with it's perfect red and blue lines and spiral bound notebooks without a single thing written in them yet. Perfection.

Sigh, then I had to write my name on it. I have awful handwriting. Every one of my teachers cheerfully told me I would make a fantastic Dr one day because of my illegible handwriting. I tried, the Lord knows I tried, but alas, I inherited my father's handwriting instead of my mother's.

So, I don't know if it's the time of year that draws up in me a desire to plan and organize and categorize or if it's the fact that I had an energy burst today or both, but I began to have one of those days where I suddenly felt the need to micro manage the home.

I once bought a book that encouraged planning every 15 minutes of every family member's day for the entire day on a massive wall chart with sticky notes.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

ahem.

But the reality is, micro managing has two major downfalls.

1. It takes away the opportunity for initiative.

Example: A few days ago I was standing in the kitchen and my four year old wandered out into our huge half acre backyard. At first he just wandered around and then I saw him go back into the garage and emerge with the dog poo rake and scooper. I watched him spend about 30 minutes scanning the entire backyard and cleaning up every last pile of dog poop, which was considerable since it had been two days since we had cleaned up. You better believe I went out there when he was done and praised him for his initiative along with rewarding him. And I had to wonder...if that job had been assigned to someone for the day and if he had a list of jobs already assigned to him, would he have done that? Now I am certainly not against giving kids chores, but this gave me a whole new idea of how to manage chores in the home that I'll share later.

2. It forgets that the real moments of life are the interruptions. C.S. Lewis said it best:


“The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's 'own,' or 'real' life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life -- the life God is sending one day by day.”


― C.S. Lewis, The Collected Works of C.S. Lewis

So, my goals now are to focus on the real things and simply use organization as a tool to help only in the areas that really need help. AKA: IF IT'S NOT BROKE, DON'T FIX IT. 

It's so tempting to want to control and perfect, but it's never going to be perfect and, really, I think it's such  a joy stealer to see life's work as something that needs perfecting and controlling instead of viewing it as something that can constantly remind us of Christ. Example:

Laundry. (I can hear the collective groan right now throughout cyber space.) IT. NEVER. ENDS. EVER. This reminds me that all of creation tends towards the fall. But the redundancy of our work humbles us. In the drudgery, in the relentlessness, in the dirt, we may sigh, but we don't sigh as those that do not have a release. I need to put a crucifix over my washer and dryer so I can see in the drudgery my glorious release. Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again. 

So, as I sat at the table today so tempted to begin the micro managing that makes me feel more perfect and makes me feel like maybe, maybe this time I will be able to control this mess that is our sinful world and life, I looked at the crucifix over our kitchen table and lectured myself, "only fix what really needs fixing"..and even that is such meager attempts. And yet, I feel pretty proud of the managing that has worked out!

So the planning I did accomplish was for our school year. My 2 year old will begin learning his letters and numbers and already knows his colors. My 4 year old will begin "4K" at home and we are using Rod and Staff's ABCDEFG books. I'm also using "Beginning Reading at Home" which is an old, out-of-print set of 10 kits that introduces letters and words in a multi-sensory way. My 6 year old will be using the "Beginning Reading at Home" as well as our CLE readers and for math will be using Singapore math. And my 8 year old will be using Singapore math, finishing his CLE readers, Story of the World, Apologia Science, and Spelling Power. We are not doing any further work in Language Arts this year because next year we will be using Classical Writing's upper level books...the primers just seem too much a waste of time. I really want him to focus on lots and lots of free time reading to get him reading proficiently enough to tackle Classical Writing and Latin next fall. 

The way I play to get through all of this each day is as follows:

Every day we will do: 

Morning: Catechism/Bible/Hymn study with all, 15-20 min per child of math instruction.

Afternoon: 15 min per child of reading instruction

In addition:

Monday: Writing for 8 year old (whatever I assign, no curriculum). 

Tuesday: History for 8 yr old: Story of the World

Wednesday: Science for 8 yr old: Apologia

Thursday: Piano. He practices every day but Thursday he will practice double the time. 

Friday: Dad's day off. 

And that's it. We keep it as minimal as possible so that the rest of the day learning can flow from all the interesting things we do, see, and talk about. And, if at breakfast someone asks a question that flows into a rabbit trail of learning as often happens with curious little boys, well, so be it. 

My comfort, when we don't stick to curriculum, comes in a handy print-out for each child's grade from wordbook.com that gives a list subject by subject of each thing they should know by the end of the year. Whenever I begin to worry whether my kids are actually learning I begin to go down the list for each child and see how ahead they actually are. This also allows me to watch for gaps or areas I wouldn't think to cover. 

I've also been doing some further planning in the area of chores and housework and meals/cooking but I'll save that for another day. :)

Many Hands Make Work Light....I Hope

This week I began a full time job. No, not outside of the home. I am now caring full time for a precious baby girl while her mama returns to work. I adore this little girl, she is seriously the best behaved baby ever. She adores her sleep and goes to sleep happy as can be every time simply by being swaddled and laid in the pack n' play. She takes her bottles of her Mama's milk like a pro. And when this little girl is awake, so long as she has one of my four boys near by to watch, she is just as content as can be. She is so cute.

Having her in our home full time 5 days a week is going to be a big change. When she's hungry, everything stops so I can feed her. When she's tired, the boys have to be quiet so she can nap. Obviously they will have these changes in four months, God willing, anyhow, but this time it's for someone outside of our family and came on with rather short notice. They are handling it beautifully and adore having her here. They are all now unanimous that they want the baby in my belly to be a sister.

So, we work to view this in the eyes of Christian service and think "this makes me rich in my vocation". We have yet another opportunity to serve our neighbor and a family in Christ and be a loving home for this sweet girl for the next few years during the day.

We are also working on a major home "renovation" and making 3 big room changes. The main floor master is becoming a study/play room/baby nap room. The second floor room that was home to our four boys is now becoming my husband's and my room. And the second floor play room is now the boys' room. This is a lot of furniture to move. This is also a lot of cleaning to do. The old boys' room is requiring a ton of work as a drop down ceiling needed to be removed, fake paneling ripped out, and then we discovered some mold on one wall behind the paneling because an air return had been covered. So, dry wall had to be ripped out, the insulation removed, and fresh insulation and new dry wall placed. We have to repair the other dry wall from the paneling, paint, refinish the wood floors in that room, and move our furniture from the downstairs bedroom up the stairs and down to hallways into our bedroom. Then we will move the toys that are in the guest room and basement down to the new play room. This will give us a definite sleep area upstairs (which will keep us from needing to use the upstairs during the day and give me better oversight over little ones) and a definite living and play space downstairs. The new play room has a door that can shut so it will also make a good school room for older boys as they need quiet with more intensive studies.

And just for kicks we decided to refinish our kitchen table and deep clean the basement this week, you know, since we don't have anything going on. :)

We have four months until this sweet baby is due. In that time we need to finish these projects, make a trip to see some dear friends about 12 hours away, and complete a few other home renovations before winter sets in.

Oh!!! And I just got some supplies in the mail today to finally give sprouting grains a try! I bought ancient Einkorn wheat that I'm going to sprout, dry, and grind to make into baked goods because I discovered my allergic son can have sprouted Einkorn wheat! We bought a barrel of berries so I need to get sprouting. I also bought some glycerin so I can make my own child friendly herbal tinctures for fall and winter illnesses. I want to get those made before October so we are prepared for cold and flu season.

Finally I've started my pregnancy work out regimen. With my 4th I began working out at 22 weeks in an attempt to make labor easier. It worked. I was in such amazing shape by labor that my ability to handle the pain, stay ahead of it, and not get exhausted was greatly improved. My husband was so impressed that he's been really encouraging me to get at it again and I know he's right. But it's hard going because during my year of miscarriages I was afraid to work out much in case working out too hard was hurting my pregnancies. We found a treadmill at a garage sale and I've been doing 45 min workouts on a high speed and decent incline doing different arm workouts while walking fast.

And of course, home schooling continues and the boys are all loving their new math books while we continue to work through Bible/catechism, reading, handwriting, history, and science.

Did I mention I have about 35 tomato plants that are mass producing right now? Anyone want to come help make ketchup, salsa, and spaghetti sauce to can? :)

The Darkness Deepens: And why that's OK.

In the past few months I've come under a lot of ridicule for the title of my blog. I was confronted rather harshly by a couple of loved ones and it sometimes still confounds me.

Today was a bad day. I woke up to two of my children rowdily getting out of bed (which they are not allowed to do) and thus awakening their baby brother who was in his big boy bed for his very first night. They woke him-and me- up an hour before we are accustomed to getting up. But because baby boy was awake I had to hop out of bed and get up there because he also just potty trained and I needed to get his night time diaper off so he could use the potty. Within the span of an hour I dealt with about 5 meltdowns from over-tired children, a dog that was insisting on trying to dig holes in the yard and eat his own poop, a few huge spills (two of which were the dog and included him grabbing a full cup of smoothie and tossing it up into the air where it hit the wall and splattered all over himself, the wall, and the floor and the other of which was a half drank bottle of kefir, which he enjoyed immensely). By the time my husband got up I wanted to sob and was so tired I didn't know what to do with myself.

This evening my husband left for church and I sent the children upstairs to play. I read an article that I had seen linked to and had been wanting to check out because I'm always up for a good lashing that will remind me how selfish I am so I can try to repent more, be better, and therefore attain piety.....um, what? Yea, don't deny it, you know you are too:

http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/the-me-monster/

Thankfully I'm getting better at spotting these types of articles for what they are and turning to what Scripture actually says.

About the only thing I found truly helpful about the above link was the very last recommendation to counter one's own thoughts with God's Word. But my passages would look far different from hers. See how she beats herself down with more law? Law for law. She shares in depth a very deep and very hard personal struggle to the Law and how she was about nearly crushed from her need to find perceived perfection in the Amish faith and then how does she say she came out of it? Here was her before:

"What about me? I am tired! Furthermore, I want to raise my kids Amish; my husband won’t allow me to do this; what about my dreams? What about how I feel? They are my kids too! I have been through so much. I, I, I, and what about me, me, me” (notice the “ME” monster). That was my sin. Depression is selfish. When you are depressed, you are only thinking about yourself—about poor and unfortunate ME. I was seeking my own. "

And here is her solution to this problem:

"Once I got my focus off myself and onto what my purpose was, and onto Christ, it really made me get better. I had to start realizing that things could be worse. I had to start seeing things differently. I was really bad.....I want to be patient, to endure the hard times, and understand God’s perfect will and timing in the lives of others."

Hmmm....Do you see the problem here? I don't see any loss of the "me monster" she claims to have found to solve her problem.

My dear sisters, you cannot rid yourself of the "me monster". You simply cannot. You cannot stop hurting, you cannot stop muddling through the diapers and the laundry and the filth and the hardships...they (the hurting, the selfishness, the desire to be free from our burdens and sins) just aren't going to go away. They just aren't. The low pressure weather systems with the storms building up behind them kind of days that depress us (or at least me) are still going to come, the news is still going to show the insanity going on around the world that leads us to stare in horror and go, "What the hell?", and we are still going to yell sometimes, be as selfish as the naughtiest 2 year old sometimes, and just not have the energy to do more than throw sugar laden junk at our kids to get them to SIT DOWN AND BE QUIET sometimes. 

So what does God's Word say to us? Sisters, the secret when going through God's Word is not to apply law to law. Oh yes, those passages the author of the article shared are God's Inspired Word but did you see their context? Those passages are not written in the context of applying to the hurting, the broken, the law-sick person. Read through the entire Bible and you see that God never changes: He applies law to the unrepentant haters of God and GOSPEL to the hurting, despairing, but faith filled believers in Christ..So read these:

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, 7 casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you. 8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.9 Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. 10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. 11 To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 5:6-11 (emphasis mine)

"[13] Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. [14] For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. [15] For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. [16] Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. [17] So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. [18] For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. [19] For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. [20] Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. [21] So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. [22] For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, [23] but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. [24] Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? [25] Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. "(Romans 7:13-25 ESV)

"Some went down to the sea in ships,

doing business on the great waters;

24 they saw the deeds of the Lord,

his wondrous works in the deep.

25 For he commanded and raised the stormy wind,

which lifted up the waves of the sea.

26 They mounted up to heaven; they went down to the depths;

their courage melted away in their evil plight;

27 they reeled and staggered like drunken men

and were at their wits' end.

28 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,

and he delivered them from their distress.

29 He made the storm be still,

and the waves of the sea were hushed.

30 Then they were glad that the waters were quiet,

and he brought them to their desired haven." Psalm 107:23-30

Christ has died, Christ is Risen, Christ will come again. And HE will lift you up in due time. And in the mean time we keep on asking our children to forgive us, we forgive as we have been forgiven, and we drag our weary souls where He promises to be: His Word and His Body and Blood, and in the remembrance of our Baptisms. There we find strength for our souls and the courage to keep moving. He IS coming indeed! If there is one thing I hope my children learn from me it is that life is like the above Psalm. We will stagger and fall and be at our wits' end...but Jesus comes, He always comes. I hope my children always know we cannot save ourselves and we can never be good enough, Mommy certainly is not, but we are LOVED, we are FORGIVEN, and Christ gives us His Very Self and does not leave us as orphans. We are His, bought with His Blood, and it's OK to be sad, it's OK to have bad days, we forgive and keep on moving in Christ's help and Christ's joy. 

Peace be with you and Christ keep you.

Growing pains

I remember as a child when I would randomly get pains in my legs. They would be achy and crampy and feel just awful. My parents would tell me they were "growing pains" and that I should eat more bananas. I wonder how many bananas they got me to consume throughout the years from growing pains. *smile* Of course I know they were honestly hoping the potassium would help, but it still makes me chuckle to think of stuffing my face with bananas in hopes the pain would go away.

I wish there was a solution as simple as bananas for every parenting conundrum. This makes this post sound like I'm struggling with a particular child but I'm not. Instead, my children are growing, changing, and becoming complicated individuals with thoughts, ideas, and views on what they have been taught and what they see in the world/individuals around them and in some ways it's thrilling, in some ways it's terrifying.

This journey of home schooling has been the craziest ride of my life. Well, other than venturing off to a city unknown over a thousand miles away from home after my dad died for college. Well, and maybe having all my babies at home with no drugs. ;) I think those three tie.

But this journey is scary, humbling, never ending (it seems), exhausting...and yet the most rewarding journey I could ask for. It is rewarding because I am starting to see that by home schooling them I am not depriving them, I am opening up the entire world to them. I am also opening up the entire world to myself. And some days, I'm not sure I like what I find. And that makes me want to fold my children into the protective and controlled and scheduled environment of school. And yet, we all know that especially today there is no such environment in those institutions. Besides, though I may not like what I find and though I may feel challenged and stretched and confused and uneducated when I open up myself and my children to the vast world around us, how will I ever show them how to be courageous and strong and capable young men if we can't even be brave enough to step out?

I am reading some new books and new ideas that challenge me and scare me. They call into question things I was taught in school and ways I understood the world and our own country and government. I am thankful that at the end of the day, regardless of what the world really is and what our country really is, Christ is before and over and in all.

And when the day is done, my husband and I hear God's Word, pray, and I am so thankful that as long as our home is full of Christ and His love, there is nothing better in all the world that we could give our children.

Food, Facebook, and Family

Recently I was listening to THIS. Actually, I have listened to it more than once. And one of the things that has stayed with me the most from this talk was something Pr. Weedon said in the second video, about 5 minutes and 30 seconds in.  He says the process of theosis (divinization) is about God taking things away from you. It's not about your own "upward" progress as a Christian, but it is about God's taking things away from you one by one by one and in that taking away, causing you to realize that HE is enough. And then, lastly, He takes away your breath. But even then, He is enough.

Isn't that beautiful?!? Seriously, that is the most beautiful confession of the true Christian faith I have ever heard in my entire life. I want it painted around the top of my family's living room where I have to read it every single day.

Hearing Pastor Weedon's confession was like a slap in the face to several of my false gods that we all have and led me to repent of some of my unconfessed sins/temptations that I did not realize I had. It also allowed me to have peace in some areas of my life that have haunted me.

The first area is food. A friend of mine that finally became a face to face friend when I met her this week, after years of having mutual friends and being friends online, introduced me to a new term this week called orthorexia nervosa. Orthorexia is an eating disorder characterized by an unhealthy preoccupation with food that one perceives to be "unhealthy"......

Um...can we say 99.9% of American culture?

Americans ARE OBSESSED with food. Don't believe me? Head to any of the news websites or take a walk to the check out counter. How many articles will you find with all sorts of self proclaimed experts telling you what is truly "healthy" for you and what is not? And, after 9 years of thinking that in order to be a good mom and wife I had to figure out exactly how to be perfect with food I. AM. DONE.

Do you want to know the biggest most dangerous reason we, as Christians, need to let go of this food obsession once and for all?

The devil has us right where he wants us. He wants to disguise sin's effects on our sinful flesh and our need for Christ and have us call it something other than sin. How does he do this? By making you think your aunt has cancer because she didn't eat an all organic diet free from all gmo's. By making you think your baby has eczema because you didn't follow a paleo diet while pregnant/nursing. By making you think your sister is obese because she eats wheat.

Do you know why we have cancer, eczema, obesity and every other human flesh failure? BECAUSE. WE. ARE. FALLEN.  That's it. We are fallen. We are infected with sin. We cannot save ourselves. Friends, you can go ahead and try. You can sprout your grains, soak them, sing to them. You can buy all non-gmo, all organic, heck grow all your own everything. You can take fermented cod liver oil with butter oil, drink all fresh spring water in stainless steel or glass water bottles, and refuse all sugar, grains, and legumes. WHATEVER. But I'm so sorry to tell you, it won't heal you. You will still get sick. you may even get cancer, or eczema, or even still struggle with obesity. You might still feel fatigued, still struggle with insomnia, or still have acne. Yes, God gives us wisdom to make choices that could make a difference in our health temporarily and help ease certain ailments. This is wonderful! But...

The devil delights in his distraction tactic. He wants us to call sin something else, to take control of as many areas of our lives as we can and say, "oh, this isn't a spiritual thing, this has nothing to do with church and God, this is a physical thing, something I CAN CONTROL (WHOOOPPEEEEE!!!!!!)" And suddenly we do our devotions hurriedly in the morning, grouching the whole way through in our heart, because of the stress of wondering how we will be perfect enough to cure our son or self or sister today. And eventually where is our need for Christ?

Enough. It is enough. Look to Christ. Feed your family what you have and what you are able and let it go. Stop reading articles, stop listening to the panic, refuse to make food your god.  Food will not heal you, save you, nor add one day to your life. Honor the body God gave you by not pouring things into it in gluttony as God's Word tells us is wicked, but do not grant God's healing powers nor His salvific work to your food.

The next area Weedon's quote convicted me was facebook. The food issue leads into the facebook issue in the way that having SO MUCH input into my life on a daily basis was not only overwhelmingly distracting from my own family and vocation making me see so many things I didn't need to be adding to my day, but, it also, I have realized, really really hurts the relationships in my life. I am afraid to see what relationships will be like for the world in 10-20 years. And I wonder how many of our grown up youth will be depressed, on drugs, or who knows what because their relationships are reduced to a glowing screen that does not hug them, talk to them, or love them. Mothers, sisters, brothers, friends, you can't trade a "like" for love. For real relationships. For life. We are all going to be reduced to hermits living with our glowing screens and not experiencing the world and complexity of true human interaction if we don't wake up. I decided this time to not delete my account completely like I did October of last year for 8 months because like it or not, most email and several event notifications happen through facebook. I have pregnant friends that will post the first announcement of a birth with a picture on facebook. And I want to be able to call or send a card to rejoice with them when word gets out. But I will no longer be posting my own updates unless it is something like a birth announcement. If I have the urge to post something, a picture, a funny happening, a thought, I'm going to either share it with my immediately family/friends around me that day or I will call some friend or family member far away to share it with them. Because that is how we actually deepen our relationships. That is how we show we care. That is how we show real human decency instead of turning into a bunch of robots.

And, like the food issue, the facebook issue feeds right into the family issue. As I have mentioned before, I grew up in a home broken several times over. When I was being raised in public school where many friends had divorced parents, it didn't seem like a big deal to me. My church didn't make a big deal out of it either. And I remember thinking, what's the big deal, I have two Christmases! Two birthdays! Two houses I can switch between if one is annoying me! ....

It is a big deal. It is only now that I'm an adult with a whole home and a Godly marriage that I have been able to grapple with the brokenness I grew up with and my parents and step parents went through. It breaks my heart for them and for me and my siblings. It has also bothered me more and more as I have had so many friendships deepen with so many amazing Pastor's wife friends who come from amazing Christian families. Are we all sinners? Of course, but there's a difference between sinners that live out their entire lives in fear and love of God in a church that takes very seriously how Christian parents will raise their children (and parents who take that seriously enough to vow it to death), confronting them with God's Word and private confession/absolution when they err, and sinners that live out their lives breaking themselves away from God, divorcing their homes and their children from a Godly life by their choices, and calling it OK because "xyz".

I am not seeking to place blame here. In all of these ponderings, I am so very grateful for the way God has kept me. My mom and dad faithfully brought me to the font of Holy Baptism at less than two weeks old and saw to it, along with my step mom, that I was raised faithfully in the church. But as I grappled with anger and confusion over the continuing deterioration of my family as my Dad died and all of my siblings left for other Christian denominations or left the church at times, I struggled to not be one of those people that grows up to become angry and rebellious about their upbringing and despairing over how I would see to it that my own family was raised in a God pleasing way when I had so little left on the home front. I want to honor my family and be grateful to God for the way He provided. And I am. But the answer was found in Weedon's quote and the realizations about food and facebook. First, we have to call things what they are, be honest about the sin we experienced, forgive as we have been forgiven, and where there is unrepentance in others, use it as an opportunity to pray for them and continue to live in repentance ourselves. Second, to seek out my true vocation in my life NOW, not what it used to be, not what I wish it was, but what it is now, and to make the most I can out of the relationships God has actually given me to nurture NOW.

"God has assuredly promised His grace to the humble (1Peter 5:5), that is, to those who lament and despair of themselves. But no man can be thoroughly humbled until he knows that his salvation is utterly beyond his own powers, devices, endeavors, will, and works, and depends entirely on the choice, will, and work of another, namely, of God alone. For as long as he is persuaded that he himself can do even the least thing toward his salvation, he retains some self-confidence and does not altogether despair of himself, and therefore he is not humbled before God, but presumes that there is-or at least hopes or desires that there may be- some place, time, and work for him, by which he may at length attain to salvation. But when a man has no doubt that everything depends on the will of God, then he completely despairs of himself and chooses nothing for himself, but waits for God to work; then he has come close to grace, and can be saved." -Martin Luther

1. Soul, adorn thyself with gladness,
Leave behind all gloom and sadness;
Come into the daylight's splendor,
There with joy thy praises render
Unto Him whose grace unbounded
Hath this woundrous supper founded.
High o'er all the heavens He reigneth,
Yet to dwell with thee He deigneth.

2. Hasten as a bride to meet Him
And with loving reverence greet Him;
For with words of life immortal
Now He knocketh at thy portal.
Haste to open the gates before Him,
Saying, while thou dost adore Him,
Suffer, Lord, that I receive Thee,
And I nevermore will leave Thee.   -LSB 635

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for giving us your very self through the doorposts of our mouths that through your precious Body and Blood we may be strengthened in our faith to remain faithful unto death.

Unschooling

Nomenclature is a powerful thing. One word can conjure up all sorts of images, positive or negative, in someone's mind. People will avoid or cringe at the use of certain words based on their experience, impression, or the reputation associated with using them.

For a long time the word "unschooling" made me cringe. I saw strange loner kids running comic book shops in my mind when I heard the word. Now, however, in the last several months I have learned to love the word. But, not for my children. I love the word for MYSELF. To explain I'll share this article:

http://thelibertarianhomeschooler.com/a/  Go read it. I'll wait.


Seriously, read it people. It's short, I promise. And, really worth it.


Done?

That article was me. In my class of over 600 students I graduated 7th. I rocked the school thing. I was a "GOOD STUDENT". But was I really? Was I really a dedicated learner? To be fair there were a fair number of subjects that really interested me that I could probably still tell you quite a bit of information concerning the things I learned. But, my grades do not reflect the classes in which this was true. Because, if they did, I would be able to tell you about every subject with great accuracy.

It makes me sad that the only thing I really learned to do well is please people by following the rules, being likable and submissive, and doing what was expected of me.

I did not learn to love learning. I did not learn to think independently. I did not learn to ask questions, to question, to be critical, to refuse, and to truly understand my rights and lack thereof.

I looked up the definition of the prefix "un" and this is what I found:

un- 1 pref. 1. Not: unhappy. 2. Opposite of; contrary to: unrest. un- 2 pref. 1. To reverse or undo the result of a specified action: unbind. 2. a. To deprive of or remove a specified thing: unfrock. b. To release, free, or remove from: unyoke. 3. Used as an intensive: unloose. Using the second definition, number 1, it has taken 9 years to unschool myself. I am still in that process and it is painful. They say it really takes 9 months for a woman who has given birth to recover. "9 months to grow a baby, 9 months to recover from birthing that baby." I hope it does not take me 18 years to unschool my mind.

My children fit under the first definition, 1 and 2.

My children are living. They are serving. They are growing, but we are not schooling them. We are raising them. We are training them. And they, with all their God-given curiosities and passions, are devouring knowledge as quickly as they can. It's amazing to watch.  We learn in all sorts of ways, at all times, in all places. We read, we study, we write, we listen, we ask questions, we debate, but we are not robots drilling information that someone else decided my children had to know in order to be a functioning person. There's a reason the show "Are you smarter than a 5th grader?" was so popular. It was hysterical to watch adults flounder at information that if a 9 year old child does not regurgitate, he or she will fail! And yet, all of these adults were functioning, working, successful adults.

Government schools are a blessing to many people. They provide opportunities for not only jobs but also for children who cannot be at home for one reason or another. I had many amazing teachers who made a huge impact in my life and tons of fun experiences in those government schools. But I am so thankful, SO thankful to live in a country where that can be a last resort for my children. May that right never be taken away.

Whom do you serve?

"Mama, were they the good guys or the bad guys?"

"What?" I asked. (more to give myself a chance to think than because I didn't hear him)

"Were they the good guys or the bad guys?"

The question came from my 8 year old son as we discussed two military groups who were at war with one another. One of the military groups happened to be that of the United States of America.

I paused as I felt the inner turmoil of the answer I knew I had heard numerous times and the answer I knew was correct because of my faith. I went with the latter.

"Son? Are you a sinner?"

"Yes."

"Are all men sinners?"

"Yes."

"Are all men wicked...bad?"

He paused thoughtfully..."yes".

"So which side is the 'good guys'?"

"Neither?"

"That's right, son. War is wicked. God alone has the right to wage justice on the wicked. He has given authority to government leaders to rule earthly kingdoms but that does not mean that war is ever good. All killing and all war is evidence of the effects of sin and of our fallen status before God. It should grieve us. But even further, the only just war is the war fought in immediate self defense."

This conversation took place the week leading up to Memorial Day. It really got me thinking and meditating on all the things I have learned since leaving my upbringing in the institutionalized schools of our country and learning to really ask questions and scrutinize our country and its claims. There are so many things to be thankful for in this country, so many things to be proud of and happy about...but there are also so many things to be worried about, grieved over, and angry about.

So as Memorial day drew close, I began to see the articles and the facebook pictures and statuses praising our fallen heros. Again I felt that tug between the phrases that had been implanted in me as a child in government schools and what I knew to be true according to God's Word. You know the phrases, "These men fought so we could be free." "Freedom isn't free." "He gave his life so you could enjoy yours." And on and on and on.

I would never question the amazing sacrifice a man or woman makes to leave their family to join the military.

I would never question the terror of a man or woman losing their life or their limbs/health in combat.

I would never question the bravery of a man or woman leaving home for another country, entering territories unknown to carry out missions too scary for my wildest dreams.

I do not question the heart and desire of a man or woman to defend their beloved country home and the thankfulness in their heart with which they do this. 

But my question is...did not Hitler's men do the same things? Hear me out. My son was once given a book about the WWII German battleship, The Bismark. He was so excited to read through it with my husband. The story went in depth to the men who gave their lives when the battleship was sunk and those who survived. The most riveting thing about the book was how...kind...how....honoroable...how...human...those men were. As I read it I felt sick. These men had families, they had lives they left behind, they fought with the same desire to protect the country they loved from the threats they were told existed. These men also did not know Hitler personally, nor did they have any idea about the concentration camps.

But fast forward to today and if you met a Nazi soldier would you not turn your face in horror? Does not the very word make you cringe?

All men are evil.

And this brings me to my concern. My son is hearing about war, sees our soldiers dressed in uniform and the praise given them and my question is...who do these men fight for? WHAT are they fighting for? Oh sure, we know what happened on Sept. 11, 2001, but everything since then has been a strange blur of information, misinformation, confusion, blame casting, lies...and it makes me wonder...how many of our wars are truly just?

"They are fighting for our freedom."

Which freedom?

Who is their leader? Is he honorable? Are his motives honorable? Who is he really? Who are we really? What are our leaders goals?

And, if he is not honorable, if his motives are not honorable, if his ambitions are not honorable...then what does that say about the lives of these men and women who are fighting for him, for his administration? Most of these men and women, even if we had a full blown Hitler situation going on, would not know it. They are given orders and they fulfill them to the best of their ability. They do it because it's their job, because they love their country, because they desire to keep us safe....

But what are we to believe as Christians? Whom do we serve? What is the meaning and purpose of our earthly life? To whom belongs glory and honor? Is it to the man who leaves behind his wife and children to care for themselves while he carries out the orders of a non Christian man in combat when he doesn't fully understand the true motives?

I don't know. I do not pretend to have the answers. But I am not afraid to ask the hard questions. And I am tired of being a robot that repeats things that everyone else repeats simply because it was drilled into me as a child. We have to think for ourselves with Holy Scripture and our Pastors as our guide. Because, my brothers and sisters in Christ, the darkness truly is deepening. Whom do we serve? To whom belongs the glory?

What does this mean?-A Mother's Day post

I guess you could say that when Tom and I left Midland we had a mess of theories about how to raise children. We still have a mess of children, but no theories. Sure, 12 is still our number. It's the number of months my book was on the bestseller list. It's the number of job offers Tom turned down before we found one close to home. And each day it's the number of times I'm thankful there's such a thing as family. "Kate" -Cheaper by the Dozen


Mother. What does this mean? I once thought it meant making my children into what they needed to be. Kind. Generous. Believers in Christ. Joyful. Serving. Self controlled.

I could not have been more wrong. Oh and what a shame for the years I burdened myself with such an awful law which put me at war with my own children!


Here is why I was wrong:


I cannot MAKE my children into anything.


I cannot force-produce, or produce at all, fruits of the Spirit in my children.


I cannot create faith in my children.


I cannot keep my children from falling away from the faith.


No amount of perfection in me could ever make perfection in my children...especially when there's no amount of perfection in me and never will be on this side of heaven.


So what shall I do then? What does this mean?


It means I can commiserate.


It means I can ask forgiveness.


It means I can give rewards, blessings, treats...just because life IS hard, and I know this full well and I want you, my child, to know that I know it's hard and that somehow, together, we will press on.


It means neither you, my child, nor I, will ever be perfect here on earth so we will just have to muddle through as best we can, by the grace of God.


It means we can rejoice together when the sun shines and the good days come, and hold hands or cry together when the crosses are so hard.


It means I will make you go to church, as my father did to me, every single Sunday unless you can't get out of bed, because even though some days we both hate going because church is hard, a discipline rather than an emotional high, we know it is there that Christ comes to us, creates saving faith in us before we know to seek Him, indwells us with His Holy Word and His Body and Blood to sustain that faith and produce in us desires for the things of God, and fills us with His very Self. It is often the gifts that are the least flashy that are the ones we can't live without and that bring us the greatest help, love, and joy.


It means that I love you unconditionally, always and forever, bad days and good. It means I will fail. I will sin. I will yell. I will get angry. I will mess up big time....but I will always love you. I will always be here for you as long as the Lord gives me breath. And I would give my life for each one of you. To the children that have called me "Mom"..... and the ones that never got the chance.... I love you with my life.


Love, Mommy

Grace in parenting

This is a post that has probably been working itself out in my heart since...well, since my second son was born. I've come close to being able to put it into words before but have always failed. I'm not sure I'll be able to do it here tonight but I'm going to try, selfishly, more for my own benefit as I try to hash this out.

I want to spare details of why this came about mainly because it would take several posts in and of itself and it's too private but our second child had IMMENSE health struggles and challenges from the very beginning of his life. In fact, he had a rare cord abnormality that should have killed both of us during his pregnancy. The entire first 4 1/2 years of his life were a very hard blur. My third son came when my second was only 20 months old and in the middle of his terrible struggles which greatly impacted my ability to nurture him.

So fast forward to my second son being 6 and my third being 4 and everyone is healthy now. The health problems have been overcome...but the emotional scars of those awful and helpless years are still there...for me and the kids.

It causes me to worry, to stress, to overcompensate, to fear for my kids' salvation, for their happiness, and for our ability to be a strong and bonded family.

But...

photo credit

And there we have it. Grace. Peace. Healing. Forgiveness. Redemption. It is finished. Death is swallowed up by death. And Christ is Risen!

It is not just for us, it is for our children. And if we believe what we say about Baptism, namely, that in it the Holy Spirit indwells our children, grants them faith and the forgiveness of sins, then shall we let the devil taunt and mock us with sin, sickness, brokenness? 

No, we say, "yes devil, what of it? We are sick, broken, see death, but Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again!" 

So we, as parents, in the tiring and awfulness of a broken world, hold our children close and rejoice in complete forgiveness, grace, mercy, and faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, who loves our children and ourselves far more than we do. Will not He who died for us and in fact redeemed you through all your sins and falterings, will He not indeed keep your children and defend them against the devil, the world, and their sinful flesh and thus work out His good and gracious will in your children? 

Lord grant me faith in your love, perseverance in the good fight, wisdom in all I do as wife and mother, and grace for each and every moment. 

Come soon, Lord Jesus!

Good Friday

Tonight I attempted a nearly 2 hr long Good Friday service with an 8 yr old boy, a 6 yr old boy, a 4 yr old boy, and a 2 yr old boy....while nauseous. Do you want to know what it's like to do this?

I will try to show you:

It's 2 hours of:

Mom:

"Stand up" "Don't swing on the pew." "Fold your hands" "Whisper" "Don't pick your nose" "Don't swing on the pew" "Sit still" "Sit up" "Put your shoes back on" "It's not your turn to talk" "No singing right now please" "do NOT unbutton your shirt!" "don't swing on the pew" "no, you may not roll up the bulletin into a horn" "stop ticking your brother" "stop making faces at the people behind you" "don't swing on the pew" "do not sit on the hymnal" "do not stand on the hymnal" " stop beating on your bulletin with your pen" "stop stabbing the bulletin with your pen" "don't swing on the pew" "no pushing!" "it's pastor's turn to talk" REPEAT ENTIRE PARAGRAPH EVERY 5 MINUTES.

You would think I'm exaggerating. I assure you I am not. I'm not sure what got into my 4 and 2 yr olds tonight. It could be I let them sample a little too much frosting right before we left for church for the birthday cake for their brother, but even though they were a little more wound up tonight than usual, I found myself wanting to cry out for help from the Lord. I wanted to scream for mercy and help. On top of it my giant 4 yr old wanted to sit on my lap most of the service and I suddenly was so hot I thought I would faint but when I tried to put him down he started screaming his protest.

I assure you my children are disciplined. I love my boys dearly and our days are full of cuddles and Mama love and fun but I also run a tight ship and our long morning devotions give them ample practice for church. They KNOW how to behave. But...they are also 8, 6, 4, and 2. And they are children.

We made it up for communion, somehow, and then returned to our seats. My big man climbed back on my lap and I opened my hymnal while he balanced another on his (my) lap to support his color bulletin.  Though I am a well trained Lutheran, if I am completely honest, my soul was crying out, "Lord, how will I ever show You I love You, how will I ever earn Your love if I can't even think on You or meditate on Your Word or be moved in my thoughts during church because I'm so busy wrangling these monkeys?!" Oh, how I yearn to be able to truly think on my Lord during church!! Then I looked up. We have two pastors at our church and a team of elders that help distribute the Sacrament to a table that is really two tables long. It's a beautiful flow of parishioners filing in behind the table, stepping forward while the next group files in behind them to step forward as they leave and on and on. Well, I looked up and while "Stricken, Smitten, and Afflicted" played on the organ and parishioners on the table to the right were being fed, parishioners on the left were looking up at my husband-pastor as an elder held out a freshly refilled tray of the Elements for my husband to speak the Words of Institution over. The altar area where he did it was dimly lit and so much else was going on but in that moment my eyes filled with tears.

Oh how easy Jesus makes it for us! We ran out of communion and in just moments more was prepared. Such simple words that are spoken! How amazing that we humans muddle through, doing the best we can, which isn't much, but Jesus makes it so easy for us to receive Him.

Isn't it funny that of the entire Good Friday chief service, THAT is the moment that would make me cry? But it was so beautiful, so simple, and so completely God providing in such simple, quiet, and efficient way. Not many people probably even noticed we ran out or that Pastor had to pause momentarily to speak God's Word over more elements, but it happened and that's how God is. He saves us when we don't even notice, when we can't notice, when we can't take time to feel Him, and when we are drowning in the work of this world. He comes when no one notices, He dies when no one watches, and He rises, seeks us out, and saves us.

"What language shall I borrow to thank Thee, dearest Friend,
For this Thy dying sorrow, They pity without end?
O make me Thine forever!
And should I fainting be,
Lord, let me never, never,
 Outlive my love for Thee."
O Sacred Head, Now Wounded LSB #450, vs 5

You're going to miss this

Anyone who has ever been a parent has almost certainly been met with the words "You're going to miss this." Another similar sentiment is, "Enjoy it, because it will be gone so quickly." But I want to give you a whole new sentiment to focus on that has ended that nonsense once and for all.

You are not going to miss this. Well, MAYBE you will, but you do not have to, because THIS is broken. This is sinful. This is fallen. And friends, what is to come is so, SO much better.

No one looks at a laboring woman and tells her, "Quick! Enjoy this! It will be over so soon!" No one wags their finger at her in her suffering and says, "You better wake up and enjoy this because it will be over and then you will never get it back!"

I do NOT miss labor. I will NEVER miss labor. Yes, I am so thankful I was able to give birth to my children, that God fearfully and wonderfully made my body in a way to be able to do that, and that, mercifully, I survived each birth even with varying degrees of serious injury.

All of life is afflicted by birth pains of sin and death. We are in labor for this life that is going to end and like a laboring woman we know not how long it will last, nor how severe the contractions will be. And then, once and for all, all of the pain and brokenness will be over and...

We will never have to miss anything ever again, because forever, for all of eternity, we will be in peace and joy and communion with one another.

Don't miss this, look forward to when you will have it all, again, but perfect and forever.

A dear friend of mine who has been sitting in the pit with me while I mourn, grieve, and grapple with my broken reality was dreaming on the day she will be in her mansion in heaven with all her beloved children, including her sweet baby who already waits for her, and was saying how cool it will be to say, "Hey everyone, I'm going to Grandma's house, and I'll be back in a few hundred years." And everyone will shout their goodbyes or maybe decide to walk along, but there will be no sadness because we are all always in communion and never in sickness or death or loss ever again.

Don't add to your grief or anyone's grief by telling them to cling to something they cannot keep and don't really want to anyways. Instead, add to their joy by telling them that when this imperfect version fades away, they WILL GET IT BACK, but this time, PERFECTED!

You will get it back.

Christ is coming as He said.

And, as another friend shared with me, when we're grieving and lost and alone, "we get up and drag ourselves into the kitchen, put on a cup of tea, and when it's warm enough we go sit outside in a lawn chair and pretend we're watching our kids play, when really we're looking for something over their heads on the horizon - - it is there within us and yet a long way still off." 

Christ keep us. Come Soon Lord Jesus.

Grace

Last night I saw an article linked to that sought to provide parents with Biblical counsel on dealing with a child that is throwing a tantrum. It looked at the common ways most parents deal with them and the perceived outcomes for the child.

1. Laugh (not at the child but to excuse the behavior) or walk away.

2. Remove the child to a separate space.

The author made the claim that both of these ways would not only speak an acceptance of the behavior to the child but indeed would ignore a parent's responsibility to train up the child in the way he/she should go.

The author of the article made the claim that tantrums in children are nothing but selfishness, sin, and evil and that it should be stopped with loving discipline, correction, and rebuke.

At first I felt guilty. How many times in the past weeks have I not responded to tantrums with quick but calm discipline and rebuke?

But then I thought about those tantrums, about their cause. I also thought about my own tantrums. (No, not displayed in a way of a child, but in my heart.) And then I thought about some Biblical tantrums, and how God dealt with them. One in particular comes to mind:

"Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword. Then Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah, saying, “So may the gods do to me and more also, if I do not make your life as the life of one of them by this time tomorrow.” Then he was afraid, and he arose and ran for his life and came to Beersheba, which belongs to Judah, and left his servant there.

But he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he asked that he might die, saying, “It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.” And he lay down and slept under a broom tree. And behold, an angel touched him and said to him, “Arise and eat.” And he looked, and behold, there was at his head a cake baked on hot stones and a jar of water. And he ate and drank and lay down again. And the angel of theLord came again a second time and touched him and said, “Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you.” And he arose and ate and drank, and went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights to Horeb, the mount of God.

There he came to a cave and lodged in it. And behold, the word of theLord came to him, and he said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”He said, “I have been very jealous for the Lord, the God of hosts. For the people of Israel have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword, and I, even I only, am left, and they seek my life, to take it away.” And he said, “Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord.” And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before theLord, but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper. And when Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. And behold,there came a voice to him and said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” He said, “I have been very jealous for the Lord, the God of hosts. For the people of Israel have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword, and I, even I only, am left, and they seek my life, to take it away.” And the Lord said to him, “Go, return on your way to the wilderness of Damascus. And when you arrive, you shall anoint Hazael to be king over Syria. And Jehu the son of Nimshi you shall anoint to be king over Israel, and Elisha the son of Shaphat of Abel-meholah you shall anoint to be prophet in your place. And the one who escapes from the sword of Hazael shall Jehu put to death, and the one who escapes from the sword of Jehu shall Elisha put to death. Yet I will leave seven thousand in Israel, all the knees that have not bowed to Baal, and every mouth that has not kissed him.” 1 Kings 19:1-18

Elijah had been provided every proof that God indeed was who He said He was, that He was strong to save and indeed provided for His people. And yet, when he came upon hardship, he fell to the ground and asked God to take away his life. 

Life is full of suffering. Suffering cuts you to the very core of your being and threatens to destroy you. And in my children, when they are on the floor thrashing and crying and screaming, I sometimes see Elijah. I see Job. I see Jonah. I see David. I see Peter. Throughout all of time humans have fallen victim to their weak flesh, to their sorrow, to the fallen flesh that threatens to consume us. 

And friends, sisters, IT IS GRIEVOUS! For goodness' sake, let the children grieve! I myself must grieve or I will surely become hardened and rebellious! I must grieve or that grief will go somewhere, and I'm guessing the result would be much less constructive than tears and thrashing. 

For you to not let your children grieve whatever is causing them hardship is not only cruel but it denies the truth, that we are victims of a life turned hellish. That sin constantly devours us and our made-in-Christ's image body. Sin SHOULD make us mad, it SHOULD cause us to grieve, IT IS HARD.  And rather than discipline it out of my children and send the LIE that self control and self image to others is how they gain righteousness, instead I want to grieve sin with them and build them up in Christ. 

Here's how a tantrum goes in our house. 

When I come upon a child that is thrashing, screaming, wailing, etc, I drop to my knees and calmly and quietly say "Stop crying." I wait a few seconds to assess what is happening and if the child cannot control the wailing I pick the child up and take them to my bed and say, "You cry here where you are safe and I will be back in a moment." I let the child scream it all out while I'm finishing whatever it was I was working on. Then when I hear that the room is quiet I go in and sit on the bed. "I'm glad to see you have calmed down a bit, can you tell me what was wrong?" 

Here is the critical part. Either the child is lamenting something or the child has sinned and is angry. If the child has sinned we talk about the sin, why it is wrong according to God's Word and how it has broken not only God's law, but our home's law. We talk about how the child could have responded to what happened, and how in order to remind the child about sin's consequence we have to discipline him. Then the child apologizes to whomever he wronged and the child is absolved. 

However, if the child is simply lamenting life, so and so won't let me play with the toy I want, I'm hungry, I'm tried, etc etc, then I lament with them. "I'm so sorry you can't play with the toy you want. It's hard and sad sometimes when life does not go our way." I rock the child, hug them, and remind them that when life is hard they can come to me before they get upset and I will help them. Then usually they need food. With boys it's always about food. *smile* It is not a sin to be sad. It is not a sin to scream and cry and grieve. It is not even a sin to want something, even if as a parent we think what the child wants is selfish or ridiculous. God Himself tells us to bring ALL of our requests to Him, and that He gladly hears them, even if we come with tears and sobbing. 

Parents, do not let your piety exceed the piety of our Heavenly Father. It pleases Him greatly to have mercy on those who fear Him, on those who call on His name, on those who have been filled with the Holy Spirit from Baptism and His Word. Your children are such. They are not heathen, they are vessels of the Holy Spirit. Your discipline does not produce piety, the Holy Spirit does that. Discipline has its place, which is to turn a rebellious heart away from sin, but there's a reason only one book of the Bible talks about the rod of discipline, yes, it is a tool, but far more is the tool of mercy, of understanding, of providence even when the child does not seem to deserve it, as we ourselves know we do not. You must determine whether your child is truly rebelling, truly stuck in sin, or whether your child is grieving. And whenever a man is grieving or confused or just plain stupid, God always deals tenderly with those who are His.

"I ask, then, has God rejected his people? By no means! For I myself am an Israelite, a descendant of Abraham, a member of the tribe of Benjamin. God has not rejected his people whom he foreknew. Do you not know what the Scripture says of Elijah, how he appeals to God against Israel? “Lord, they have killed your prophets, they have demolished your altars, and I alone am left, and they seek my life.” But what is God's reply to him? “I have kept for myself seven thousand men who have not bowed the knee to Baal.” So too at the present time there is a remnant, chosen by grace. But if it is by grace, it is no longer on the basis of works; otherwise grace would no longer be grace." (Romans 11:1-6, ESV)

May we all be filled with the Holy Spirit to help us continue on in this noble work. May Christ give us every wisdom for turning our children's hearts to Him.