One of my children cannot have any grains. Well, I should specify: no wheat, no oats, no corn. He CAN have rice and quinoa (which really isn't a grain but a seed).
Recently we began trying to reintroduce things one at a time to see if he had recovered enough for some of them. It seems the only thing he can have without having breathing issues or breaking out in eczema is rice.
But with all the experimenting he's been able to indulge in all types of foods that he didn't before and suddenly I can't remember what he was eating for snacks, etc before! So all of you grain/gluten free people, care to share your favorite snacks/breakfasts/lunch ideas??? We're good with dinner...we eat a lot of meat and veggies and potatoes/quinoa/rice, but I am totally stumped for breakfast, snacks, and easy lunches.
Some things we do:
breakfast:
muffins from www.elanaspantry.com
pancakes from above
scrambled eggs and sausage (they're so sick of this) or bacon
chocolate chip cookies made from almond flour (doubles as snack, but he's also very sick of these)
lunch:
rolled up lunch meat w/ fruit/veggies
peanut butter "boats" apple halves filled w pb with raisins or chocolate chips for on top
banana slices w/ pb and jelly
quinoa w tomato sauce and/or grnd beef
leftovers
pb and jelly sandwiches using almond flour pancakes
snacks:
potato chips
pickles
some of the above
fruit strips (organic dehydrated fruit strips) sometimes w pb on top
Annnnd that's about all I got. So, hit me, what are your favorites. On second thought, share your favorite dinners too, I can always use more recipes! :)
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
“As I looked,
thrones were placed,
and the Ancient of Days took his seat;
his clothing was white as snow,
and the hair of his head like pure wool;
his throne was fiery flames;
its wheels were burning fire.
A stream of fire issued
and came out from before him;
a thousand thousands served him,
and ten thousand times ten thousand stood before him;
the court sat in judgment,
and the books were opened.
“I looked then because of the sound of the great words that the horn was speaking. And as I looked, the beast was killed, and its body destroyed and given over to be burned with fire. As for the rest of the beasts, their dominion was taken away, but their lives were prolonged for a season and a time.
“I saw in the night visions,
and behold, with the clouds of heaven
there came one like a son of man,
and he came to the Ancient of Days
and was presented before him.
And to him was given dominion
and glory and a kingdom,
that all peoples, nations, and languages
should serve him;
his dominion is an everlasting dominion,
which shall not pass away,
and his kingdom one
that shall not be destroyed.
(Daniel 7:9-14 ESV)
I don't remember the walk to the door. Suddenly I was just standing in the house being bombarded by my children. My babbling 15 mo old toddled to me speaking his own language very obviously admonishing me for leaving him on such short notice. My 4 year old was talking so quickly I could hardly understand the tale he was telling me. My 3 year old, sensing it was story telling time also raised his voice to give the last hour's reports. My 7 year old also gave a short report but then waited, eyeing me curiously.
I waited for the other children to grow quiet and then looked at my 7 yr old first as I took a deep breath and said, very calmly and confidently so that they would believe Mommy to be in control and OK, "Boys, we found out today that our baby has died. Our baby has gone home to be with Jesus in heaven. "
"What? Really? ohhhh..." My 7 year old gave his response in kind of a long drawn out way. His sadness was very evident but he didn't lose it either. All of the children began asking questions, each according to their developmental abilities. I patiently answered them to the best of my ability but grew very tired as the little ones continued on, asking stranger and stranger questions. Thankfully they were easily distracted once I felt I had shown them adequate attention and time to share their feelings.
But it was about an hour later, as I found a quiet dimly lit corner of the kitchen to read Scripture and pray, that my 7 yr old found me.
"Mommy?"
"Yes, sweetheart?"
"Mommy, when you left to go to the hospital today I was scared. I started to pray that our baby would be OK, healthy and strong. But then...but then I changed my prayer."
"Yea, bud? What to?"
"I prayed that God would do what was best. Because God loves us and is good. I'm sorry you're sad Mommy. I'm sad too." His eyes filled with tears. "I'm sad but I know it will be OK." He wrapped his arms around my neck and squeezed.
I couldn't answer but I kissed his forehead and then told him I loved him.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
The jelly felt warm on my tummy. This surprised me. It’s normally so cold. I was about to tell the ultrasound tech this but she was beginning to spread the jelly with the wand and I held my breath. With a simple move she was turned and the screen was coming to life. I was so thankful that she did not turn the screen away from me to start like they normally do. I was already grieving and she knew it...there was nothing that needed to be kept from me. My breath caught in my throat as the most delicate sweet little hand caught my eye. It was reaching up to heaven. In my mind I reached down and held her sweet hand. My thumb rubbed the inside of her palm. I heard the ultrasound tech begin by exclaiming how perfect my baby was, after all her size was right on, and I waited, still admiring my baby’s beautiful hand, for her to realize what I already knew. No 12 week baby has a hand floating in the water above her head. The u.t. stopped mid sentence. She zoomed in on my baby’s chest. Our eyes met. I smiled weakly at her. “There’s no heartbeat is there?” I turned my eyes back to my baby as her eyes filled with tears. “I don’t understand, this baby is so big, I thought...” I saw my baby’s face for the first time. That sweet nose, turned up just the slightest bit. “Sweet baby. My sweet baby. You’re so beautiful.” I reached for the screen. Her little hand was still reaching up to me. “My precious baby.”
I looked at the u.t. “I’m sorry, I’m OK.” She looked at me. “Sweetheart, this baby just died...maybe two days ago. It just doesn’t make sense.” We both looked back to the baby. Time stood still. It was just me and my baby. I don’t remember the screen going dark. I asked her if I could call my husband and she left. My husband’s voice filled my phone, “Hey” I said. “Our baby is gone. Our baby is dead.” I was sobbing. His voice was broken. He was making his way into the hospital. We went back and forth, he tried to offer words of comfort while we both broke. We got off after I instructed him how to find me. I began by sending out a text to all my family and friends. “We just found out that our baby has gone home to be with Jesus. Blessed be the name of the Lord.” Within seconds my phone was beeping responses and ringing. I spoke to my sister. As I got off the door opened and the u.t. moved aside for my husband to enter. She left us. I was on my feet and his arms took me in. My weeping made no sound but turned my soul inside out. His arms were strong but weak. We broke together. Finally he asked if he could pray. I don’t remember the words he prayed. We prayed tears. We prayed brokenness. We cried for sin and its effects. Our one flesh had met the wages of sin, but it’s toll was on our dear child. The u.t came back in the room. She looked at us hugging, cleared her throat and said, “I, um, need to take more pictures.” I thought, “No you don’t , you took 500!” Then her eyes met mine and I melted. She was trying to give us a gift, one more chance to see our baby together and my husband’s first chance. I climbed back on the table and he took my hand. I could feel his prayer even though his lips weren’t moving. Raise our baby, Lord. I let him pray but I could not join him. Our baby was gone. I looked on the screen to where I would see her floating hand and it met my eyes. “Sweet baby.” I held her hand. We were three silent observers to the tiniest miracle of God. Time stood still as we all sat in awe.
My husband was behind me with one hand on each of my shoulders moving me through the hospital corridors. I wept and could not see the floor beneath me. I told the lady at reception that our baby was dead. I’m not sure why. Some how we made it back to the parking garage and prepared to head home to face our other children and tell them that Mommy and Daddy could not protect their tiny baby sister...that she was dead.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Book Recommended
Several months ago, before I conceived Anastasia, I read a wonderful book. I did not read it because its topic is barrenness. Actually I read it because I knew, from reading the blog, that Katie Schuermann is talking about so much more than barrenness and there was some comfort I desperately needed. I got way more than I bargained for. Her book not only moved me to some serious repentance/confession that needed to happen, but washed me anew in grace. It was like she came into my living room as a dear sister in Christ to do exactly what sisters in Christ are supposed to do for each other. I am eternally grateful.
Today, however, I found myself thinking about Katie's words again as I lingered in Goodwill, alone, for an entire hour and a half! Actually I thought about her book the entire time. And now her book has taken on a whole new meaning for me and I want to share the excerpts I was thinking about.
"There is no denying the fact that one of the purposes of marriage is procreation. God tells us in His Word that He loves life and wants children to be the blessed fruit of the one-flesh union between spouses. It is not surprising, then, that a barren woman may feel guilty when her womb does not produce such God-pleasing fruit. That is why it is so important for us to remember that having children is not a law of God for us to keep but a heritage from Him for us to receive. It is not that we are unwilling to have children but that we are unable to have children." (89-90)
A page later,
"Explore the lighter side of barrenness. (Yes, you read that correctly.) Recognize that your family life is going to look and feel very different rom that of other married couples who have cihldren. Rather than coveting that which you have not been given, celebrate that which you have. You and your husband enjoy a special freedom of schedule and resources that many parents would trade their minivan for in a heartbeat. Spend some of that money you have saved on a second honeymoon." (91)
The book is called, "He Remembers the Barren" and the author is Katie Schuermann. I love the cover:
But the reason I was thinking about it so much is, this is the first time (since my first in which he was 19 months before I conceived) I have passed my youngest child's first birthday and been at the 15 month mark without being in maternity clothes and beginning to plan moving beds, car seats, rooms, preparing the co-sleeper, baby laundry, and figuring out how to do everything from home school to Sunday morning church routine, etc with yet another child. I know this sounds crazy to some but suddenly I feel confused as to how to spend my time!! I'm not pregnant! I am not 6 months away from starting our family over again with an entire new child. My baby isn't a baby anymore but is running and playing. And there's not another baby to take the baby place before he turns 2. What will I do with all this time?
I know, it sounds crazy. The Lord could very well bless us again and soon if He chooses. But even so the baby would not be here until after my youngest turns 2! Weird. And maybe He won't bless us at all for quite some time....or ever.
So I went to Goodwill and bought myself a cart full of new shirts. I cleaned out my closet, got rid of all the shirts that are too big now because I was in my early pregnancy larger-but-not-yet-maternity shirts. Well, I packed them up and put them in the basement. I filled my closet with my new small shirts. I haven't taken my prenatal vitamins all week. I've taken them every day for the past 8 years because for the past 8 years I've been pregnant and/or nursing. But I decided to take a break for a few days. I know it sounds silly, but I just didn't feel like it.
A couple nights ago I brewed some tea, filled the tub, lit a candle, cooled the tea bags and put them on my puffy eyes...I had cried a lot that day...then slathered my face with a soothing mask. I somehow managed to drink my tea with all this on my face. :) I also ate some dark chocolate. :D I was tempted to feel guilty but the thing is, it is not that I was unwilling to receive this child...it is that God told me "no". God told me no. You cannot have her. And it's OK. It is good. Though saying that makes me want to throw up I know it is good because God is good. And I must not look at God as omnipotent right now, because the questions and anger and sadness would drive me mad...but I must look at Jesus, on the cross, asking the very question that my heart has been screaming.
So what am I to do? I suppose I will take this in between time, however long it may be, and instead of spending the time planning, preparing, etc...I'll take the time that for once our family is not in a stage of change and spend some time on trying to plan purposeful relaxation a few nights a week and just paying attention to my health and strength...and of course my faith. And, on blessing others in any way I can. And of course, being all I can to my family that is here.
I have not as of yet gone through barrenness. I have a large family by American standards. I hope and pray that this post does not cause any barren women pain as I hope I do not sound like I am comparing myself and my current situation to the life a barren couple lives...both the crosses and blessings. I know many barren women would gasp at me for my pain of the loss of our baby and tell me to look instead to my four living children. And I am. And I am so thankful. And yet, the loss of our child has forced me to deal with sin and death...my own sin and death and curse...in a very hard and deep way. And I can't thank Katie enough for writing this book for all women, not just the barren. Thank you Katie.
As a side note, please pray for me. My pain has increased significantly since yesterday. I'm hoping I overdid it cleaning yesterday and not that there are any complications from the birth Monday.
Today, however, I found myself thinking about Katie's words again as I lingered in Goodwill, alone, for an entire hour and a half! Actually I thought about her book the entire time. And now her book has taken on a whole new meaning for me and I want to share the excerpts I was thinking about.
"There is no denying the fact that one of the purposes of marriage is procreation. God tells us in His Word that He loves life and wants children to be the blessed fruit of the one-flesh union between spouses. It is not surprising, then, that a barren woman may feel guilty when her womb does not produce such God-pleasing fruit. That is why it is so important for us to remember that having children is not a law of God for us to keep but a heritage from Him for us to receive. It is not that we are unwilling to have children but that we are unable to have children." (89-90)
A page later,
"Explore the lighter side of barrenness. (Yes, you read that correctly.) Recognize that your family life is going to look and feel very different rom that of other married couples who have cihldren. Rather than coveting that which you have not been given, celebrate that which you have. You and your husband enjoy a special freedom of schedule and resources that many parents would trade their minivan for in a heartbeat. Spend some of that money you have saved on a second honeymoon." (91)
The book is called, "He Remembers the Barren" and the author is Katie Schuermann. I love the cover:
But the reason I was thinking about it so much is, this is the first time (since my first in which he was 19 months before I conceived) I have passed my youngest child's first birthday and been at the 15 month mark without being in maternity clothes and beginning to plan moving beds, car seats, rooms, preparing the co-sleeper, baby laundry, and figuring out how to do everything from home school to Sunday morning church routine, etc with yet another child. I know this sounds crazy to some but suddenly I feel confused as to how to spend my time!! I'm not pregnant! I am not 6 months away from starting our family over again with an entire new child. My baby isn't a baby anymore but is running and playing. And there's not another baby to take the baby place before he turns 2. What will I do with all this time?
I know, it sounds crazy. The Lord could very well bless us again and soon if He chooses. But even so the baby would not be here until after my youngest turns 2! Weird. And maybe He won't bless us at all for quite some time....or ever.
So I went to Goodwill and bought myself a cart full of new shirts. I cleaned out my closet, got rid of all the shirts that are too big now because I was in my early pregnancy larger-but-not-yet-maternity shirts. Well, I packed them up and put them in the basement. I filled my closet with my new small shirts. I haven't taken my prenatal vitamins all week. I've taken them every day for the past 8 years because for the past 8 years I've been pregnant and/or nursing. But I decided to take a break for a few days. I know it sounds silly, but I just didn't feel like it.
A couple nights ago I brewed some tea, filled the tub, lit a candle, cooled the tea bags and put them on my puffy eyes...I had cried a lot that day...then slathered my face with a soothing mask. I somehow managed to drink my tea with all this on my face. :) I also ate some dark chocolate. :D I was tempted to feel guilty but the thing is, it is not that I was unwilling to receive this child...it is that God told me "no". God told me no. You cannot have her. And it's OK. It is good. Though saying that makes me want to throw up I know it is good because God is good. And I must not look at God as omnipotent right now, because the questions and anger and sadness would drive me mad...but I must look at Jesus, on the cross, asking the very question that my heart has been screaming.
So what am I to do? I suppose I will take this in between time, however long it may be, and instead of spending the time planning, preparing, etc...I'll take the time that for once our family is not in a stage of change and spend some time on trying to plan purposeful relaxation a few nights a week and just paying attention to my health and strength...and of course my faith. And, on blessing others in any way I can. And of course, being all I can to my family that is here.
I have not as of yet gone through barrenness. I have a large family by American standards. I hope and pray that this post does not cause any barren women pain as I hope I do not sound like I am comparing myself and my current situation to the life a barren couple lives...both the crosses and blessings. I know many barren women would gasp at me for my pain of the loss of our baby and tell me to look instead to my four living children. And I am. And I am so thankful. And yet, the loss of our child has forced me to deal with sin and death...my own sin and death and curse...in a very hard and deep way. And I can't thank Katie enough for writing this book for all women, not just the barren. Thank you Katie.
As a side note, please pray for me. My pain has increased significantly since yesterday. I'm hoping I overdid it cleaning yesterday and not that there are any complications from the birth Monday.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Blessing R
For those of you here looking to bless R, after researching all the ways the loopers could compile together to help her, and then speaking to a looper who's husband was in contact with R's pastor, it seems the best way to help her right now is through personal individual cards through the mail. Any support you can add to that card, I am sure, would be of great use to her in caring for her children. The address has been sent out through loopers, if you need it and missed that email, please email out your request and either myself or The Mama will respond.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
I promise I don't normally let my kids play in cemeteries or touch/lean on people's head stones. This happened while I turned my back to take a picture of something else. I guess it just kind of made me smile how comfortable kids are all the time in places/situations that adults would act squeamish or funny. The few opportunities we've had to visit a cemetery, my kids always play like they know the resurrection is a breath away, loving on stones like they're people.
A new day
Today was a new day.
I had a really bizarre nightmare last night in which I was living a very different life. I was single and childless and exploring foreign countries. In my exploration I came upon a monster of a man who was committing some terrible crimes and once I discovered it I tried to flee to the authorities. He realized that I was on to him and tried to gun me down. I woke up just as I was shot. lol, I guess I'm still having crazy Mama dreams even if I'm not pregnant anymore. Anyways I woke up in a panic SOO thankful I was were I was and was who I was.
And just like that losing Anastasia still seemed very sad but I felt so very thankful for my life I'm living. Anastasia is happier than I ever could have made her and I must continue with what the Lord has graciously allowed me to have.
So today I put away all the stuff I had needed for birth related stuff, cleaned up my room really well, and put in a full day of kids, lessons, and the cleaning I could get done. I'm still having after birth pains which also always strangely includes spasms in my mid/lower back (I have a chiro apt on Friday.) so I'm not 100% able to do some of the harder chores like scrubbing my kitchen floor which desperately needs to be done. Thank the Lord tomorrow a woman from our church is coming to help me all morning. Hopefully with her help I can dig myself out from Mt. laundry and get the house vacuumed and mopped.
I'm so thankful for new days, for fresh starts, for hope and healing and all my sweet friends, all of you, who have blessed me with cards, the sweet nest necklace with two eggs in it for my two babies in heaven (I put it on this morning as I packed up the last of the birth stuff...a little thing to hang on to as I move forward.), the beautiful icon of Ruth and Naomi, the massive bucket of popcorn that has fed my kids for a week ;), the sweet mini blanket with cross in it that is being made for Anastasia's burial, and all the many prayers, phone calls, texts, and encouragement/comments left here. I am so thankful for all of you and I will try to get out cards in the next week to let you all know properly.
Now if only it were spring and I could go for a walk on the beach or in a field of flowers. :) Easter is coming!
I had a really bizarre nightmare last night in which I was living a very different life. I was single and childless and exploring foreign countries. In my exploration I came upon a monster of a man who was committing some terrible crimes and once I discovered it I tried to flee to the authorities. He realized that I was on to him and tried to gun me down. I woke up just as I was shot. lol, I guess I'm still having crazy Mama dreams even if I'm not pregnant anymore. Anyways I woke up in a panic SOO thankful I was were I was and was who I was.
And just like that losing Anastasia still seemed very sad but I felt so very thankful for my life I'm living. Anastasia is happier than I ever could have made her and I must continue with what the Lord has graciously allowed me to have.
So today I put away all the stuff I had needed for birth related stuff, cleaned up my room really well, and put in a full day of kids, lessons, and the cleaning I could get done. I'm still having after birth pains which also always strangely includes spasms in my mid/lower back (I have a chiro apt on Friday.) so I'm not 100% able to do some of the harder chores like scrubbing my kitchen floor which desperately needs to be done. Thank the Lord tomorrow a woman from our church is coming to help me all morning. Hopefully with her help I can dig myself out from Mt. laundry and get the house vacuumed and mopped.
I'm so thankful for new days, for fresh starts, for hope and healing and all my sweet friends, all of you, who have blessed me with cards, the sweet nest necklace with two eggs in it for my two babies in heaven (I put it on this morning as I packed up the last of the birth stuff...a little thing to hang on to as I move forward.), the beautiful icon of Ruth and Naomi, the massive bucket of popcorn that has fed my kids for a week ;), the sweet mini blanket with cross in it that is being made for Anastasia's burial, and all the many prayers, phone calls, texts, and encouragement/comments left here. I am so thankful for all of you and I will try to get out cards in the next week to let you all know properly.
Now if only it were spring and I could go for a walk on the beach or in a field of flowers. :) Easter is coming!
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Guilty Pleasures
Hershey Kisses, a york peppermint pattie because there was only one left, a few dark chocolate m&ms, a glass of Pepsi and Everybody Loves Raymond. And now you know something about me you may not have known unless you've talked to me in person for a few minutes. I love chocolate and I can quote Everybody Loves Raymond for nearly any situation...and situations where maybe I shouldn't. ;)
Bitter fruit
Something happened but life looks no different. Labor happened but there is no cosleeper next to my bed. It sits in a dark corner down in the basement.
I timed contractions on a piece of paper for two hours after I had already been having them for two hours and watched them go from 5-7 to 3-4 min apart. But there is no baby laundry.
I woke up to a new day and began to take care of my children and do chores with no baby to remind me to slow down and rest, no gurgling soft warm baby to coo me back to the couch to nurse.
My stomach is flat, my skinny jeans on, no hint that just days ago my fundal height was just finger tips away from my belly button. It's already vanished. Even the bleeding has nearly stopped thanks to high power drugs from the midwife to make sure everything was out.
Two weeks ago I had a living baby inside of me. Today it's as if nothing ever was.
A friend asked this morning how I was. I said "fine, just trying to get chores done and do lessons with the kids" she said, "good to hear".
Cause I guess when there's no proof for what I've done the past 14 weeks the only thing to do is just walk away.
But, Anastasia, I can still see your sweet face from my dream and even though no one can see you, I'm holding you and loving you even as I walk around empty armed.
I timed contractions on a piece of paper for two hours after I had already been having them for two hours and watched them go from 5-7 to 3-4 min apart. But there is no baby laundry.
I woke up to a new day and began to take care of my children and do chores with no baby to remind me to slow down and rest, no gurgling soft warm baby to coo me back to the couch to nurse.
My stomach is flat, my skinny jeans on, no hint that just days ago my fundal height was just finger tips away from my belly button. It's already vanished. Even the bleeding has nearly stopped thanks to high power drugs from the midwife to make sure everything was out.
Two weeks ago I had a living baby inside of me. Today it's as if nothing ever was.
A friend asked this morning how I was. I said "fine, just trying to get chores done and do lessons with the kids" she said, "good to hear".
Cause I guess when there's no proof for what I've done the past 14 weeks the only thing to do is just walk away.
But, Anastasia, I can still see your sweet face from my dream and even though no one can see you, I'm holding you and loving you even as I walk around empty armed.
hi ho again
it's off to work we go, but with a lot less blood. Also, did you know regardless of whether you deliver a full term baby or not, going through labor seems to be enough to trigger an after birth high at 2:30 in the morning where your feeding appendages tingle as you look for the new baby you're supposed to be caring for? Benadryl comes in handy when you reach the two hour mark of being unable to fall back asleep. :p
Monday, February 18, 2013
Unexpected
My emotions have been very stable. I haven't cried. The baby didn't feel like mine because it was just so small.
But this evening I started smelling something...vernix...from a newborn baby's head. I looked around. I suddenly felt the feather bristle from a newborn's furry skin and head against my lips. I felt the warmth, the wrinkliness, I could feel the baby in my arms. I could feel myself kissing her head. As real as real.
My mom called. I'm thankful. I can still feel her, I can still smell her, but I'm hoping it's OK if I don't cry anymore for now because I just want to be OK and be OK for my kids. I want to try and be happy for my babies in heaven. I don't want to cry because I don't want to feel that awful again after such awful physical pain. Especially when there's nothing but emptiness on the other side of the tears.
Abide with us Lord, for it is toward evening, and the day is far spent.
But this evening I started smelling something...vernix...from a newborn baby's head. I looked around. I suddenly felt the feather bristle from a newborn's furry skin and head against my lips. I felt the warmth, the wrinkliness, I could feel the baby in my arms. I could feel myself kissing her head. As real as real.
My mom called. I'm thankful. I can still feel her, I can still smell her, but I'm hoping it's OK if I don't cry anymore for now because I just want to be OK and be OK for my kids. I want to try and be happy for my babies in heaven. I don't want to cry because I don't want to feel that awful again after such awful physical pain. Especially when there's nothing but emptiness on the other side of the tears.
Abide with us Lord, for it is toward evening, and the day is far spent.
Literally
Well, I guess that "one more night" was literal.
Anastasia Joy was born at home this morning at 10:15am after 5 hours of labor. She is two inches long.
The only difference between this and normal labor is that after transition, in which I had the same "oh my word I cannot do this!" thoughts, there was an audible pop as my water broke and suddenly there was a baby...she just fell out.
As I neared transition I was very scared. I don't think I showed it as I was trying to talk my husband through what might be about to happen...he kind of faints with blood sometimes... but I just tried not to think because I had no idea what to expect once I dilated all the way. My husband was amazing, so amazing, and we made it through all the post birth stuff OK.
She is perfectly formed everywhere except her private area. We are calling her "her" based simply on my dream. Regardless, her name Anastasia is from the greek word "anastasice" which means Resurrection. Resurrection Joy.
To God be the Glory forever and ever.
Anastasia Joy was born at home this morning at 10:15am after 5 hours of labor. She is two inches long.
The only difference between this and normal labor is that after transition, in which I had the same "oh my word I cannot do this!" thoughts, there was an audible pop as my water broke and suddenly there was a baby...she just fell out.
As I neared transition I was very scared. I don't think I showed it as I was trying to talk my husband through what might be about to happen...he kind of faints with blood sometimes... but I just tried not to think because I had no idea what to expect once I dilated all the way. My husband was amazing, so amazing, and we made it through all the post birth stuff OK.
She is perfectly formed everywhere except her private area. We are calling her "her" based simply on my dream. Regardless, her name Anastasia is from the greek word "anastasice" which means Resurrection. Resurrection Joy.
To God be the Glory forever and ever.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
1 more night
What would you do if you knew you had one more night with one of your children? I shudder to think of that thought for one of my children. It makes me want to run upstairs to where they are chattering in their bedroom as they prepare to go to sleep and grab them all to me. To sing to them, play with them, tickle them, read to them, etc etc etc.
But I think that is exactly where I am tonight...but with one I've never had the chance to do any of the above and never will...on earth anyways.
My body is preparing to let my unborn baby's body go. It has begun but before it even has really begun the pain is already far worse than I imagined. The pain today was much worse than any pains I've experienced month to month between pregnancies and yet nothing even came from the pain.
I don't know if I really have just one more night holding my baby's body or if it will be several nights, but I do know this morning I prepared my children to go to early service when we normally go to late. When my oldest asked why I blurted out, without even meaning to (for I was still praying for a miracle), "I want this baby to be bathed one more time in the blood of Christ." It was shortly after drinking the very blood of Christ that the pain started.
Hug your children and your pregnant bellies a little closer tonight...because in the next house over might sit a mother grieving the loss of her child, born or unborn, or the child that has never been.
Lord have mercy.
But I think that is exactly where I am tonight...but with one I've never had the chance to do any of the above and never will...on earth anyways.
My body is preparing to let my unborn baby's body go. It has begun but before it even has really begun the pain is already far worse than I imagined. The pain today was much worse than any pains I've experienced month to month between pregnancies and yet nothing even came from the pain.
I don't know if I really have just one more night holding my baby's body or if it will be several nights, but I do know this morning I prepared my children to go to early service when we normally go to late. When my oldest asked why I blurted out, without even meaning to (for I was still praying for a miracle), "I want this baby to be bathed one more time in the blood of Christ." It was shortly after drinking the very blood of Christ that the pain started.
Hug your children and your pregnant bellies a little closer tonight...because in the next house over might sit a mother grieving the loss of her child, born or unborn, or the child that has never been.
Lord have mercy.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Lord Have Mercy
"The Lord's authority does not require Him to heal the centurion's servant. He has the authority, not the obligation.
The centurion's appeal is not to authority, but for compassion. His servant is at the point of death and grievously tormented. To state the need is enough. He trusts the Lord will move in compassion and heal his servant. The centurion is explicit. He knows that he is not worthy, but he also knows that the Lord is merciful. He expects the Lord to act."
"Thy Kingdom Come"
Rev. David H. Petersen
Thursday After Ash Wednesday, pg. 22.
Friday, February 15, 2013
When it rains it pours
Last night my husband and I got to go on a glorious date. My brother in law, who is preparing to go to seminary in a year and a half, is single (any of you dear Lutheran friends with single little sisters? ;) and is seriously one of the most selfless guys ever, came over to babysit.
We left and headed to Cheesecake Factory and of course there was a long, though not too long, wait. 45 minutes. It would have been fine but I was feeling claustrophobic and hot and weak. I kept turning and looking at the crowded bar when suddenly two seats opened up side by side. My husband and I made our way over and took the seats. For the next 45 minutes we enjoyed a couple drinks and were able to, finally, really talk. It was amazing. No interruptions, no it being so late we couldn't keep our eyes open...just us and dimmed lights and talking.
Just as we were finishing up our conversation our buzzer went off and we were taken to an 8 person booth all for us!! We had appetizers, amazing meals, and of course, cake. We talked more and when the meal ended headed over to the mall to walk and just enjoy being alone.
I'm so thankful God gave us that night. It ended with devotions in bed and both of us crying, well, me sobbing, but it ended with hope and prayers for mercy.
In the middle of the night I woke up feeling hot and cold all at once. I thought, oh no, is this going to be it? Nope, I have the stomach virus my kids came down with the day after we found out our baby had died.
So later this morning my husband comes in and feels my feverish head and I'm trying not to moan from the body aches and he does this half laugh half cry sound and says, "Oh my word dear, I'm just SO sorry!" I wanted to crack up laughing if it wouldn't have hurt so much...it IS kind of funny how when it rains it pours.
Two weeks after my Dad died in a plane crash my senior year of high school I came home from being out with friends to my mom sobbing. She had been trying to take our Christmas tree down. Yea, our Christmas tree was named Goliath...for a reason. And my mom (stepmom) is less than 5 ft tall! Well, it didn't go so well. It tipped, almost crushing her, seriously what on earth was she thinking?! Some guys from church came to help haul it out but it left a trail of pine needles about two inches thick. It looked like we had pine needle carpet. So I come home to her sobbing and trying to clean it up and sent her to bed and spent two hours cleaning it up. Well, the next day it's dinner time and suddenly there's this deafening crash in the front dining room as a rock comes flying through our front window. I used the Lord's name in vain and I ducked thinking someone was trying to break in and then stood up just in time to see some kids take off running. Well, I'm a fast runner. Or at least was. So I took off after them. I chased them all the way to their houses. They didn't know that I was following. Seconds after they got inside the house I was ringing the doorbell. Their parents answered and I was crying and kind of freaking out as I told them what had happened. Let's just say they took care of it, and those kids. I got home and announced my triumph when my mom screamed. She had walked around the corner to find the garbage can tipped in our kitchen and a garbage trail to the backyard. In came our dogs covered, I MEAN COVERED in green and yellow paint from one of my little siblings school projects. We just laughed until we cried. Then bathed the dogs.
I suppose when there's nothing left to do sometimes laughter is the best option.
We left and headed to Cheesecake Factory and of course there was a long, though not too long, wait. 45 minutes. It would have been fine but I was feeling claustrophobic and hot and weak. I kept turning and looking at the crowded bar when suddenly two seats opened up side by side. My husband and I made our way over and took the seats. For the next 45 minutes we enjoyed a couple drinks and were able to, finally, really talk. It was amazing. No interruptions, no it being so late we couldn't keep our eyes open...just us and dimmed lights and talking.
Just as we were finishing up our conversation our buzzer went off and we were taken to an 8 person booth all for us!! We had appetizers, amazing meals, and of course, cake. We talked more and when the meal ended headed over to the mall to walk and just enjoy being alone.
I'm so thankful God gave us that night. It ended with devotions in bed and both of us crying, well, me sobbing, but it ended with hope and prayers for mercy.
In the middle of the night I woke up feeling hot and cold all at once. I thought, oh no, is this going to be it? Nope, I have the stomach virus my kids came down with the day after we found out our baby had died.
So later this morning my husband comes in and feels my feverish head and I'm trying not to moan from the body aches and he does this half laugh half cry sound and says, "Oh my word dear, I'm just SO sorry!" I wanted to crack up laughing if it wouldn't have hurt so much...it IS kind of funny how when it rains it pours.
Two weeks after my Dad died in a plane crash my senior year of high school I came home from being out with friends to my mom sobbing. She had been trying to take our Christmas tree down. Yea, our Christmas tree was named Goliath...for a reason. And my mom (stepmom) is less than 5 ft tall! Well, it didn't go so well. It tipped, almost crushing her, seriously what on earth was she thinking?! Some guys from church came to help haul it out but it left a trail of pine needles about two inches thick. It looked like we had pine needle carpet. So I come home to her sobbing and trying to clean it up and sent her to bed and spent two hours cleaning it up. Well, the next day it's dinner time and suddenly there's this deafening crash in the front dining room as a rock comes flying through our front window. I used the Lord's name in vain and I ducked thinking someone was trying to break in and then stood up just in time to see some kids take off running. Well, I'm a fast runner. Or at least was. So I took off after them. I chased them all the way to their houses. They didn't know that I was following. Seconds after they got inside the house I was ringing the doorbell. Their parents answered and I was crying and kind of freaking out as I told them what had happened. Let's just say they took care of it, and those kids. I got home and announced my triumph when my mom screamed. She had walked around the corner to find the garbage can tipped in our kitchen and a garbage trail to the backyard. In came our dogs covered, I MEAN COVERED in green and yellow paint from one of my little siblings school projects. We just laughed until we cried. Then bathed the dogs.
I suppose when there's nothing left to do sometimes laughter is the best option.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
overheard
The 3 yr old to the 4 yr old:
We DO NOT TOOT on JESUS on the CROSS!!!!
Sometimes it's better to just not go into the room. Or ask questions.
We DO NOT TOOT on JESUS on the CROSS!!!!
Sometimes it's better to just not go into the room. Or ask questions.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
When the grieving mother's prayers change.
Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” So they took away the stone. And Jesus lifted up his eyes and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that you sent me.” When he had said these things, he cried out with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out.” The man who had died came out, his hands and feet bound with linen strips, and his face wrapped with a cloth. Jesus said to them, “Unbind him, and let him go.”
(John 11:40-44 ESV)
Monday, February 11, 2013
except when there is
A dear friend pulled me out of a very dark place tonight. And she used the most unlikely of places. It wasn't a psalm, it wasn't any miracle story of the Gospels, it probably even hardly receives much mention, let me check:
When it was evening, there came a rich man from Arimathea, named Joseph, who also was a disciple of Jesus. He went to Pilate and asked for the body of Jesus. Then Pilate ordered it to be given to him. And Joseph took the body and wrapped it in a clean linen shroud and laid it in his own new tomb, which he had cut in the rock. And he rolled a great stone to the entrance of the tomb and went away. Mary Magdalene and the other Mary were there, sitting opposite the tomb.
(Matthew 27:57-61 ESV)
How often do we skip over this as a quick hop to the resurrection? I mean, I know I've heard it plenty but I always glaze over as I think, hurry, get to the good part!
But here's the thing. God was dead. like, really dead. dead as the baby floating around in my womb with it's little hand floating above it. And these people had to take his body and deal with it. They had to carry it, wrap it, prepare spices for it.
And there was no good LCMS pastor to knock on their doors and see how they were and offer them the hope given in private absolution. Their hope was dead.
But even in His death His power sustained them, kept them from dropping dead themselves. You know in the new Avengers movie how when Iron Man goes flying through the portal and throws the bomb into the mothership or whatever thing that was that controlled all the monster robots destroying New York City, how they all collapsed dead when it exploded? God died, not just a little but, but died, and yet God's power of life that He has given us still existed. Because even in death He has power.
But that doesn't mean we don't still have to be handed over to isolation. To hard physical work. To death.
One day life will distract me enough to move forward. Perhaps joyful things will happen again to make me smile or laugh. Perhaps not. No one ever guaranteed they would or that we should expect them or think we deserve them. But even if they do not happen, God's power does not leave me. The resurrection is around the corner. And I suppose THAT is the ONLY THING to really be joyful about. None of it is here. Even the things we do have, Baptism, Absolution, God's Word, and God's Body and Blood, their joy comes from what is to come, not any promise of happy days today. But they DO promise to sustain. Now the Lord's Supper happening before the crucifixion all makes sense. :) He really thinks of everything doesn't He? ;)
When it was evening, there came a rich man from Arimathea, named Joseph, who also was a disciple of Jesus. He went to Pilate and asked for the body of Jesus. Then Pilate ordered it to be given to him. And Joseph took the body and wrapped it in a clean linen shroud and laid it in his own new tomb, which he had cut in the rock. And he rolled a great stone to the entrance of the tomb and went away. Mary Magdalene and the other Mary were there, sitting opposite the tomb.
(Matthew 27:57-61 ESV)
How often do we skip over this as a quick hop to the resurrection? I mean, I know I've heard it plenty but I always glaze over as I think, hurry, get to the good part!
But here's the thing. God was dead. like, really dead. dead as the baby floating around in my womb with it's little hand floating above it. And these people had to take his body and deal with it. They had to carry it, wrap it, prepare spices for it.
And there was no good LCMS pastor to knock on their doors and see how they were and offer them the hope given in private absolution. Their hope was dead.
But even in His death His power sustained them, kept them from dropping dead themselves. You know in the new Avengers movie how when Iron Man goes flying through the portal and throws the bomb into the mothership or whatever thing that was that controlled all the monster robots destroying New York City, how they all collapsed dead when it exploded? God died, not just a little but, but died, and yet God's power of life that He has given us still existed. Because even in death He has power.
But that doesn't mean we don't still have to be handed over to isolation. To hard physical work. To death.
One day life will distract me enough to move forward. Perhaps joyful things will happen again to make me smile or laugh. Perhaps not. No one ever guaranteed they would or that we should expect them or think we deserve them. But even if they do not happen, God's power does not leave me. The resurrection is around the corner. And I suppose THAT is the ONLY THING to really be joyful about. None of it is here. Even the things we do have, Baptism, Absolution, God's Word, and God's Body and Blood, their joy comes from what is to come, not any promise of happy days today. But they DO promise to sustain. Now the Lord's Supper happening before the crucifixion all makes sense. :) He really thinks of everything doesn't He? ;)
the darkness deepens
The thing about miscarriage is that there is no grace in it. None.*
There is no baptism.
There are no memories.
There were no cuddles, no hugs, no first steps, no gurgles and coos, no first breath.
There is no proof of my love for this baby.
And let me ask you this, if one of our kids dropped dead last Friday, do you think my husband would be expected to be at work or meetings this week? But come on, it's not like this kid was that big of a deal. It's not like you even knew it.
My sin killed my baby. "In sin did my mother conceive me."
If I were not sin, my baby would not have died.
And even my baptism cannot save him or her.
My faith cannot save him or her.
Only Christ. And He has.
But me, I get to look down every moment of every day while I am this baby's tomb and see the effects of my sin.
I was not excited enough about this baby. I did not pray enough for this baby. I sometimes thought I was blessed with this baby because I deserved him or her. I was proud.
I have gotten what my sin deserves. Though I know even this could not cover even a micro piece of my sin, nor any piece at all. Only Christ. And He has.
sinner and saint
death and life
but this life is not life at all, it's death and it always will be. Until it's destroyed forever and true life starts.
Come soon Jesus.
*see title to next post up
There is no baptism.
There are no memories.
There were no cuddles, no hugs, no first steps, no gurgles and coos, no first breath.
There is no proof of my love for this baby.
And let me ask you this, if one of our kids dropped dead last Friday, do you think my husband would be expected to be at work or meetings this week? But come on, it's not like this kid was that big of a deal. It's not like you even knew it.
My sin killed my baby. "In sin did my mother conceive me."
If I were not sin, my baby would not have died.
And even my baptism cannot save him or her.
My faith cannot save him or her.
Only Christ. And He has.
But me, I get to look down every moment of every day while I am this baby's tomb and see the effects of my sin.
I was not excited enough about this baby. I did not pray enough for this baby. I sometimes thought I was blessed with this baby because I deserved him or her. I was proud.
I have gotten what my sin deserves. Though I know even this could not cover even a micro piece of my sin, nor any piece at all. Only Christ. And He has.
sinner and saint
death and life
but this life is not life at all, it's death and it always will be. Until it's destroyed forever and true life starts.
Come soon Jesus.
*see title to next post up
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Today
Last night I slept all night long without waking up or being woken up. When I woke up this morning I made a decision to NOT GO THERE. I had things to do and I would put my mind to them and refuse to let myself go anywhere else. I started by taking a shower and shaving my legs. I scrubbed all over until I had new skin everywhere. While in the shower I made a mental list of everything that needed doing. I had to chuckle as I realized I was handling this the exact same way my mom always handled things that were shocking or tragic as I grew up. At first you react, freak out, grieve, whatever, but then you fly into action. I remember being in awe watching her fly around and when she got in that mode you better just stand back and let her do her thing. She could move mountains when she was like that...or jump out of deep manholes, but that's a story for another day. That's how I was today.
I folded and put away my mountain of laundry, I cleaned the entire upstairs even cleaning out closets. I vacuumed and mopped the entire downstairs, dusted, cleaned the kitchen thoroughly and then bleached and cleaned the entire bathroom: shower, tub, toilet, floor, and sink. I even scrubbed the walls of the bathroom. I did all of this by noon. Then I made a list for the store, had lunch with my family, put the kids down for naps, and headed out to the store to get supplies.
I got some red raspberry tea to begin drinking like crazy to help my uterus with its work. I bought emergen-c to help give me a boost to drink while I'm laboring and after delivery. I also bought rescue remedy to take to help with the trauma of it all if I start to freak out from the bleeding. Then I headed to another store and bought stuff to deal with the mess, some chocolate for therapy, a few snacks, and then I found the most beautiful jewelry box to put my baby's body in. I found a larger white wooden box with glass in the lid to put the jewelry box inside of. The lid of the outside box looks like a cross. I'll take pictures later and post them. As I said the baby's body will go in the jewelry box and then on top of that a dear friend is crocheting a miniature cover. It will be white with a yellow/gold cross in the middle. I will drape the jewelry box in it and then place it all inside the wooden box for burial. I'm also going to have a garden stone made with the child's name and birth date engraved in it. If we ever move the stone will go with us.
So now the list is done and I'm going to try and enjoy some time with my husband when we get the kids in bed. We've started playing Sequence, the card/board game and we're going to get some custard.
Isn't it creepy how much this bears resemblance to preparation for labor at the end? Except I went from getting ready to start the second trimester to nesting and birth in one step. The cruel mockery of it all is just bizarre.
I also had to stop at the pharmacy to get something for if there's too much bleeding. The pharmacist was supposed to give me directions and she says, "hmm, ok, let's see, this is going to be for bleeding of some kind?" I said, "yes, for after I deliver my baby." She looked down at my very small tummy and cocked her head. I said, "oh, it's dead. I miscarried." Then I felt bad I had blurted it out and offered a sympathetic smile.
Bizarre is about the only word for all of this. Well that and horribly awful.
I folded and put away my mountain of laundry, I cleaned the entire upstairs even cleaning out closets. I vacuumed and mopped the entire downstairs, dusted, cleaned the kitchen thoroughly and then bleached and cleaned the entire bathroom: shower, tub, toilet, floor, and sink. I even scrubbed the walls of the bathroom. I did all of this by noon. Then I made a list for the store, had lunch with my family, put the kids down for naps, and headed out to the store to get supplies.
I got some red raspberry tea to begin drinking like crazy to help my uterus with its work. I bought emergen-c to help give me a boost to drink while I'm laboring and after delivery. I also bought rescue remedy to take to help with the trauma of it all if I start to freak out from the bleeding. Then I headed to another store and bought stuff to deal with the mess, some chocolate for therapy, a few snacks, and then I found the most beautiful jewelry box to put my baby's body in. I found a larger white wooden box with glass in the lid to put the jewelry box inside of. The lid of the outside box looks like a cross. I'll take pictures later and post them. As I said the baby's body will go in the jewelry box and then on top of that a dear friend is crocheting a miniature cover. It will be white with a yellow/gold cross in the middle. I will drape the jewelry box in it and then place it all inside the wooden box for burial. I'm also going to have a garden stone made with the child's name and birth date engraved in it. If we ever move the stone will go with us.
So now the list is done and I'm going to try and enjoy some time with my husband when we get the kids in bed. We've started playing Sequence, the card/board game and we're going to get some custard.
Isn't it creepy how much this bears resemblance to preparation for labor at the end? Except I went from getting ready to start the second trimester to nesting and birth in one step. The cruel mockery of it all is just bizarre.
I also had to stop at the pharmacy to get something for if there's too much bleeding. The pharmacist was supposed to give me directions and she says, "hmm, ok, let's see, this is going to be for bleeding of some kind?" I said, "yes, for after I deliver my baby." She looked down at my very small tummy and cocked her head. I said, "oh, it's dead. I miscarried." Then I felt bad I had blurted it out and offered a sympathetic smile.
Bizarre is about the only word for all of this. Well that and horribly awful.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
I still have heartburn. I'm still nauseous. I still have food and smell aversions. I still have a little belly that just yesterday when my baby was still alive to me caused someone to smile big and say, "you're showing now!" I still can't sleep and I still have to go to the bathroom constantly. Just yesterday life was laid out in front of me like a plan that made sense. We had steps, home repairs/renovations listed in order, a new van to be purchased, a booster seat for the oldest so the car seats could be handed down and the new baby take over our current baby's infant seat. We had figured out how to pay the midwife.
After yesterday's apt I was going to bring up the maternity clothes. Just two days ago I went down and looked at them through the wall of the clear bin thinking how soon I would be in them.
All of time is standing still. I can't remember what I had planned for this weekend, next week, or the next 6 months to come or anything after that. The entire road before me has been erased with one swipe of the eraser and I'm staring into a blinding fog.
I walked circles around the house today pretending to be carrying on as normal. Except I can't remember what normal is. I loaded and unloaded the dishwasher aimlessly, wiped down the counters more times than I can count. For some reason the laundry is too much. I have a mountain in my living room and I can't even look at it.
I've cried and sobbed until I've gasped for air and now I just feel numb.
Earlier this week I said to my husband, "I can't believe God chose ME again to be the mother of another child." But now death has cursed us. Death's evil wretched fingers have snatched my baby from me.
After yesterday's apt I was going to bring up the maternity clothes. Just two days ago I went down and looked at them through the wall of the clear bin thinking how soon I would be in them.
All of time is standing still. I can't remember what I had planned for this weekend, next week, or the next 6 months to come or anything after that. The entire road before me has been erased with one swipe of the eraser and I'm staring into a blinding fog.
I walked circles around the house today pretending to be carrying on as normal. Except I can't remember what normal is. I loaded and unloaded the dishwasher aimlessly, wiped down the counters more times than I can count. For some reason the laundry is too much. I have a mountain in my living room and I can't even look at it.
I've cried and sobbed until I've gasped for air and now I just feel numb.
Earlier this week I said to my husband, "I can't believe God chose ME again to be the mother of another child." But now death has cursed us. Death's evil wretched fingers have snatched my baby from me.
Thus says the LORD:
“A voice is heard in Ramah,
lamentation and bitter weeping.
Rachel is weeping for her children;
she refuses to be comforted for her children,
because they are no more.”
(Jeremiah 31:15 ESV)
Friday, February 8, 2013
When nightmares come true....again.
My husband arrived home from work. He came into the room and I was barely able to walk. I was dizzy, in pain, and couldn't see straight. I felt like when I'm in labor. He helped me to the room and there, laying on our bed, was the tiniest most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen. I ran to her and scooped her up and said, looking down at my tiny 11 week baby bump, "is she mine?!" He took her from me and said, "no, you can't have her". In the dream he had an explanation of who she belonged to which was just strange dream nonsense, but I took her back in my arms, memorized her features, and thought this tiny perfect baby was the cutest thing I had ever seen. Her little nose was turned up just the slightest bit. Then the dream ended and I woke up. That was two days ago.
Today I saw a baby on ultrasound that will never be mine...when the screen turned so I could see her profile, she had the cutest little upturned nose I had ever seen. They believe our sweet baby died a couple days ago at a couple days past 11 weeks....the day I had that dream. I am wavering between absolute peace and thankfulness to the love and mercy of God and absolute devastation where I feel like I will cry forever. One thing is for sure, our baby was very sick. Though perfectly formed in many places, there was a "bubble" coming off the side of the head. A really severe malformation of the head/brain. The Lord, in His unending mercy, took our baby from this valley of sorrow to complete healing. I am so thankful that this baby's Heavenly Father loves him or her so very much that He chose to bring this child home instead of going through whatever trauma could have unfolded from a later miscarriage or birth with this serious of a problem. But my heart breaks into a million pieces that I will never hold this child in this life.
Death is a terrible bastard, but death, where is your sting?! Where grave your victory?! I triumph still because my Jesus abides with me. Come soon Lord Jesus.
Until we meet again, dear sweet baby.
UPDATE: The "severe malformation" the u/s technician thought she saw was actually a remaining part of the yolk sac and completely normal. Our baby was born with no visible malformations to speak of. So while we do not know why our baby had to go, we are ever reliant on God's mercy and wisdom. <3
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go
I've been kind of humming this song in my head lately to keep me keepin' on as I start to feel....fat.
There are many things God has used motherhood for in which to continue pointing me to my sin so that I repent, see my need for Him, and live in repentance and forgiveness and grace.
He has (and continues to!) stripped selfishness over how I use my time, how I eat, how I play, how I rest, how I feel fulfilled, how I exercise, and the list could go on.
Lately, since the birth of my 4th, it's been how I feel about my looks and who really has possession of my body....er, God's body, that is, God's creation made for HIS purposes.
I am getting very soft around the middle. This is devastating for me. My two big sisters are taller and thinner. I'm short but I've always been thin to very thin. This has always been non negotiable for me.
My pre pregancy weight as I got pregnant with #'s 2, 3, and 4 was 10 lbs lighter than my weight when I graduated high school! I had a lot more muscle when I graduated high school from years of cross country, swimming, and track. Nursing made me very thin and without the muscle from so much exercise I weighed a lot less.
Not so this time. It's like someone turned back the clock on my metabolism and just as I near leaving the youth of my twenties my body agrees it's time to act like it.
It took forever to see the weight come off this last time. And strangely, when I did get down to the higher side of my pre pregnancy weights (4 lbs heavier than with 2,3, and 4) it stayed there for a day or two and then sat stubbornly 3-5 lbs higher. I tried everything and I'm not used to having to try. But it wouldn't come off. I finally decided it would come off when I weaned. But I never wean before I get pregnant again so here I am 10 lbs heavier at 11 wks than I wanted to start and I'm feeling moody about it.
God's creation, His body, made for HIS purposes. So I guess I throw off any preconceived, worldly notions of what size is or should be and instead do my best to eat whole, un-messed around with foods, exercise well and in moderation, move a lot, and try and rest well.
There are many things God has used motherhood for in which to continue pointing me to my sin so that I repent, see my need for Him, and live in repentance and forgiveness and grace.
He has (and continues to!) stripped selfishness over how I use my time, how I eat, how I play, how I rest, how I feel fulfilled, how I exercise, and the list could go on.
Lately, since the birth of my 4th, it's been how I feel about my looks and who really has possession of my body....er, God's body, that is, God's creation made for HIS purposes.
I am getting very soft around the middle. This is devastating for me. My two big sisters are taller and thinner. I'm short but I've always been thin to very thin. This has always been non negotiable for me.
My pre pregancy weight as I got pregnant with #'s 2, 3, and 4 was 10 lbs lighter than my weight when I graduated high school! I had a lot more muscle when I graduated high school from years of cross country, swimming, and track. Nursing made me very thin and without the muscle from so much exercise I weighed a lot less.
Not so this time. It's like someone turned back the clock on my metabolism and just as I near leaving the youth of my twenties my body agrees it's time to act like it.
It took forever to see the weight come off this last time. And strangely, when I did get down to the higher side of my pre pregnancy weights (4 lbs heavier than with 2,3, and 4) it stayed there for a day or two and then sat stubbornly 3-5 lbs higher. I tried everything and I'm not used to having to try. But it wouldn't come off. I finally decided it would come off when I weaned. But I never wean before I get pregnant again so here I am 10 lbs heavier at 11 wks than I wanted to start and I'm feeling moody about it.
God's creation, His body, made for HIS purposes. So I guess I throw off any preconceived, worldly notions of what size is or should be and instead do my best to eat whole, un-messed around with foods, exercise well and in moderation, move a lot, and try and rest well.
Never has all of the faces of motherhood been so wonderfully captured.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Parenting the 1 yr old
As I have more kids I'm getting better at analyzing my parenting methods and seeing patterns in my parenting, both good and bad. And one thing I've noticed is that my second and third boys had a VERY hard time starting around 1 1/2 until age four. Tantrums, clinginess, refusal to talk to people outside the immediate family, etc. Now I know some of this is normal for that age and certain kids have harder times in those toddler years, and we take child training very seriously. I know we can always do better and be more consistent but we do our best.
But I've been really pondering and praying for wisdom in parenting the 1 year old. We cosleep when our babies are born and I nurse on cue for the most part, though I do usually have them on a decent 3-4 hour window by 3 months. By 3-4 months my babies self soothe to sleep in a cosleeper attached to our bed for naps and bed time and are on regular nap and bed time schedules. By 9-10 months I move them to their own room where they happily go to sleep. I still nurse during the night when they awaken but begin to try and let them self soothe back to sleep if they will to try and get them to sleep through the night. I hold my babies a ton in the first year of life (almost exclusively the first 4 months) and often use a sling.
But the problem starts at a year when I get pregnant again. I'm nauseous, tired, and my mama hormones are telling me it's time to...for lack of a better way of saying it, get the baby out of the nest. I begin to get irritated when the baby wants to be held and acts like a baby. It's harder to hold him because they get heavy and I'm tired of carrying him around all day. My patience wears thin and I long for them to just grow up and play happily like their siblings so I can prepare for the next baby.
And today I was convicted of my selfishness and realized how my behavior could be part of the reason my 2nd and 3rd kids have had a harder time...they were attached to me and suddenly I was pushing them away. (My first didn't become a big brother until he was over 2 and due to our living circumstances then he was in a crib in our room until he was 2 1/2.) I can already tell my 15 mo old is getting clingy with my recent behavior of getting irritated with him and trying to not be around him as much. He has started hitting me too, which of course I correct, but I can tell he's trying to get my attention.
So what do you do? Is it normal to feel like you want to begin pushing the baby out of the nest after a year? How do you do it without being too drastic and making them feel like they are scared and uncared for? I know my 3 yr old had a very hard time when he became a big brother at 22 months. He's such a good boy and wouldn't say it but we had a baby and moved across the country and I tolerated NOTHING from him. Since then he and I have come a long way in retying our strings of fellowship and he's my little buddy again. But I don't want that to happen again. How can I get the rest I need and help him (my 15 mo old) to become more independent without making him feel insecure?
But I've been really pondering and praying for wisdom in parenting the 1 year old. We cosleep when our babies are born and I nurse on cue for the most part, though I do usually have them on a decent 3-4 hour window by 3 months. By 3-4 months my babies self soothe to sleep in a cosleeper attached to our bed for naps and bed time and are on regular nap and bed time schedules. By 9-10 months I move them to their own room where they happily go to sleep. I still nurse during the night when they awaken but begin to try and let them self soothe back to sleep if they will to try and get them to sleep through the night. I hold my babies a ton in the first year of life (almost exclusively the first 4 months) and often use a sling.
But the problem starts at a year when I get pregnant again. I'm nauseous, tired, and my mama hormones are telling me it's time to...for lack of a better way of saying it, get the baby out of the nest. I begin to get irritated when the baby wants to be held and acts like a baby. It's harder to hold him because they get heavy and I'm tired of carrying him around all day. My patience wears thin and I long for them to just grow up and play happily like their siblings so I can prepare for the next baby.
And today I was convicted of my selfishness and realized how my behavior could be part of the reason my 2nd and 3rd kids have had a harder time...they were attached to me and suddenly I was pushing them away. (My first didn't become a big brother until he was over 2 and due to our living circumstances then he was in a crib in our room until he was 2 1/2.) I can already tell my 15 mo old is getting clingy with my recent behavior of getting irritated with him and trying to not be around him as much. He has started hitting me too, which of course I correct, but I can tell he's trying to get my attention.
So what do you do? Is it normal to feel like you want to begin pushing the baby out of the nest after a year? How do you do it without being too drastic and making them feel like they are scared and uncared for? I know my 3 yr old had a very hard time when he became a big brother at 22 months. He's such a good boy and wouldn't say it but we had a baby and moved across the country and I tolerated NOTHING from him. Since then he and I have come a long way in retying our strings of fellowship and he's my little buddy again. But I don't want that to happen again. How can I get the rest I need and help him (my 15 mo old) to become more independent without making him feel insecure?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)