When nightmares come true....again.

My husband arrived home from work. He came into the room and I was barely able to walk. I was dizzy, in pain, and couldn't see straight. I felt like when I'm in labor. He helped me to the room and there, laying on our bed, was the tiniest most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen. I ran to her and scooped her up and said, looking down at my tiny 11 week baby bump, "is she mine?!" He took her from me and said, "no, you can't have her". In the dream he had an explanation of who she belonged to which was just strange dream nonsense, but I took her back in my arms, memorized her features, and thought this tiny perfect baby was the cutest thing I had ever seen. Her little nose was turned up just the slightest bit. Then the dream ended and I woke up. That was two days ago.

Today I saw a baby on ultrasound that will never be mine...when the screen turned so I could see her profile, she had the cutest little upturned nose I had ever seen. They believe our sweet baby died a couple days ago at a couple days past 11 weeks....the day I had that dream. I am wavering between absolute peace and thankfulness to the love and mercy of God and absolute devastation where I feel like I will cry forever. One thing is for sure, our baby was very sick. Though perfectly formed in many places, there was a "bubble" coming off the side of the head. A really severe malformation of the head/brain. The Lord, in His unending mercy, took our baby from this valley of sorrow to complete healing. I am so thankful that this baby's Heavenly Father loves him or her so very much that He chose to bring this child home instead of going through whatever trauma could have unfolded from a later miscarriage or birth with this serious of a problem. But my heart breaks into a million pieces that I will never hold this child in this life.

Death is a terrible bastard, but death, where is your sting?! Where grave your victory?! I triumph still because my Jesus abides with me. Come soon Lord Jesus.

Until we meet again, dear sweet baby.

UPDATE: The "severe malformation" the u/s technician thought she saw was actually a remaining part of the yolk sac and completely normal. Our baby was born with no visible malformations to speak of. So while we do not know why our baby had to go, we are ever reliant on God's mercy and wisdom. <3