Showing posts with label Baptism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Baptism. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Fear
"Some went down to the sea in ships, doing business on the great waters; they saw the deeds of the LORD, his wondrous works in the deep. For he commanded and raised the stormy wind, which lifted up the waves of the sea. They mounted up to heaven; they went down to the depths; their courage melted away in their evil plight; they reeled and staggered like drunken men and were at their wits' end. Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and he brought them to their desired haven." (Psalm 107:23-30 ESV, emphasis mine)
This passage has become one of my all time favorite Bible passages. One of the reasons it is my favorite is because of the verse in bold. Well, and the last verse of the passage because haven is one of our children in heaven's middle names.
We've all known fear: deep, intimate, soul crushing fear. Combine fear with another emotion/weakness like grief, illness, despair, etc and what you face turns down right ugly. They mounted up to the heaven; they went down to the depths; their courage melted away in their evil plight...
I had just turned 29 when I faced my first miscarriage where I thought I was dying. My dr had prescribed a medication to take after the baby's body emerged to prevent post birth hemorrhage. What she did not know from the very short time I was her patient was that I have very low blood pressure, and I did not know that this medication lowers blood pressure. So, 20 minutes after taking the medication I had two crushing contractions, by far the worst pain I have ever felt (even after giving birth to four full term babies with no drugs), my vision went black, and I lost the ability to speak. My only thought, due to research I had done in preparation for having the miscarriage at home, was that due to my symptoms of extreme dizziness and blacking out I had something blocking the way out in my uterus and I was bleeding out internally. I knew this could mean death and I remember screaming in my mind, "Lord! No! Please not like this! Please don't let me die in front of my husband with my kids right on the other side of the door playing!" I imagined my kids growing up knowing their mommy died while having a miscarriage at home in the bathroom. That thought still makes me sick.
Last year I faced my own mortality more times than I care to talk about. My body kind of likes to bleed, a lot, and when with my second loss at 11 weeks I tried to get my OB to perform a d&c and, instead, she sent me home with cytotec to induce while again at home with my husband and kids I had to have a good cry in my bedroom before I had the courage to start. That time I really did have something get stuck, began to have severe dizziness after waking up from several hours of sleep with no further bleeding and my husband helped save my life by putting his weight onto my abdomen to push it out. That man and I have had good times.
And now I'm facing another full term birth. Those have been fun too. But we won't go there.
Fear. It creeps up on you, stealing your joy, making you despise the gifts God has given to you, causing you to lay sweating in the night as you fight of the demons that attack you as you face the wages of sin: death.
But...if death does not end in hell, in punishment, then where is its sting? Where is its victory? It's like being certain someone has broken into your house and you're seconds away from being slayed where you stand only to have a furry kitten poke it's head around the corner and nuzzle you. (Though my husband would say that's about just as bad. ;)
Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again.
I'm terrified to give birth. I'm afraid my baby and I won't make it to the other side of birth alive. I'm afraid of the pain and agony that is transition for me. I'm afraid of having horrific tearing like I've had in the past. I'm afraid of that moment when you realize something is going very very wrong and there is nothing but faces all around you unable to make it stop.
"they reeled and staggered like drunken men and were at their wits' end. Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and he brought them to their desired haven."
Lord, hush the storm, deliver us, and bring us at last to the safe haven of Holy Baptism. Christ keep us.
Saturday, October 18, 2014
In the waiting
My journey through pregnancy loss started and ended the exact same way. In December of 2010 I was blessed to conceive my little Hosanna Grace. In fact, I was able to slip the positive pregnancy test into my husband's stocking on Christmas morning. On January 6, 2011 she went home to the Lord. Very soon afterwards I conceived my fourth living child and he was due November 14, 2011. He was born into my hands on Nov. 4, 10 days early.
In December of 2012 I was blessed to conceive our 6th child, Anastasia Joy. Three months later she went home to the Lord as did our next three children that year. Then in December of 2013 I conceived our Noel Eve. On January 9, 2014 Noel went home to heaven.
I am now due, just as I was right after our very first loss, on Nov. 14. Less than a month away from my due date I no longer feel like I'm drowning in an inescapable whirlpool of death and nightmares. I always knew the Lord was with me, above and before me, but original sin is a beast. And when one is faced with inescapable death, old Adam loses his ability to congratulate himself for anything because the thing that is most important to mother at the moment is protecting her child and in repeat pregnancy loss we are rendered helpless, and it's so easy to despair.
I haven't had any ultrasounds this pregnancy since three weeks before the first trimester ended. Maybe I should have because it's been very easy to feel very removed this whole pregnancy. It's been hard to attach, hard to believe any of it is real, and hard to feel any bond with the baby within. Though, emotions are so fleeting anyways and I was so overwhelmed by them for months on end that I feel like it's OK to not be emotional if I don't want to. Baby does not need me to be emotional. And it doesn't matter if I "feel" attached. The reality is, I am, very physically speaking, and my body is doing what needs to be done with or without my emotions. Thanks be to God.
So here I am waiting, may the Lord deliver me in His perfect time and may my child be brought quickly, so quickly to the font of Holy Baptism.
In December of 2012 I was blessed to conceive our 6th child, Anastasia Joy. Three months later she went home to the Lord as did our next three children that year. Then in December of 2013 I conceived our Noel Eve. On January 9, 2014 Noel went home to heaven.
I am now due, just as I was right after our very first loss, on Nov. 14. Less than a month away from my due date I no longer feel like I'm drowning in an inescapable whirlpool of death and nightmares. I always knew the Lord was with me, above and before me, but original sin is a beast. And when one is faced with inescapable death, old Adam loses his ability to congratulate himself for anything because the thing that is most important to mother at the moment is protecting her child and in repeat pregnancy loss we are rendered helpless, and it's so easy to despair.
I haven't had any ultrasounds this pregnancy since three weeks before the first trimester ended. Maybe I should have because it's been very easy to feel very removed this whole pregnancy. It's been hard to attach, hard to believe any of it is real, and hard to feel any bond with the baby within. Though, emotions are so fleeting anyways and I was so overwhelmed by them for months on end that I feel like it's OK to not be emotional if I don't want to. Baby does not need me to be emotional. And it doesn't matter if I "feel" attached. The reality is, I am, very physically speaking, and my body is doing what needs to be done with or without my emotions. Thanks be to God.
So here I am waiting, may the Lord deliver me in His perfect time and may my child be brought quickly, so quickly to the font of Holy Baptism.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
The Darkness Deepens: And why that's OK.
In the past few months I've come under a lot of ridicule for the title of my blog. I was confronted rather harshly by a couple of loved ones and it sometimes still confounds me.
Today was a bad day. I woke up to two of my children rowdily getting out of bed (which they are not allowed to do) and thus awakening their baby brother who was in his big boy bed for his very first night. They woke him-and me- up an hour before we are accustomed to getting up. But because baby boy was awake I had to hop out of bed and get up there because he also just potty trained and I needed to get his night time diaper off so he could use the potty. Within the span of an hour I dealt with about 5 meltdowns from over-tired children, a dog that was insisting on trying to dig holes in the yard and eat his own poop, a few huge spills (two of which were the dog and included him grabbing a full cup of smoothie and tossing it up into the air where it hit the wall and splattered all over himself, the wall, and the floor and the other of which was a half drank bottle of kefir, which he enjoyed immensely). By the time my husband got up I wanted to sob and was so tired I didn't know what to do with myself.
This evening my husband left for church and I sent the children upstairs to play. I read an article that I had seen linked to and had been wanting to check out because I'm always up for a good lashing that will remind me how selfish I am so I can try to repent more, be better, and therefore attain piety.....um, what? Yea, don't deny it, you know you are too:
http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/the-me-monster/
Thankfully I'm getting better at spotting these types of articles for what they are and turning to what Scripture actually says.
About the only thing I found truly helpful about the above link was the very last recommendation to counter one's own thoughts with God's Word. But my passages would look far different from hers. See how she beats herself down with more law? Law for law. She shares in depth a very deep and very hard personal struggle to the Law and how she was about nearly crushed from her need to find perceived perfection in the Amish faith and then how does she say she came out of it? Here was her before:
"What about me? I am tired! Furthermore, I want to raise my kids Amish; my husband won’t allow me to do this; what about my dreams? What about how I feel? They are my kids too! I have been through so much. I, I, I, and what about me, me, me” (notice the “ME” monster). That was my sin. Depression is selfish. When you are depressed, you are only thinking about yourself—about poor and unfortunate ME. I was seeking my own. "
"Once I got my focus off myself and onto what my purpose was, and onto Christ, it really made me get better. I had to start realizing that things could be worse. I had to start seeing things differently. I was really bad.....I want to be patient, to endure the hard times, and understand God’s perfect will and timing in the lives of others."
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, 7 casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you. 8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.9 Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. 10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. 11 To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 5:6-11 (emphasis mine)
"Some went down to the sea in ships,
doing business on the great waters;
24 they saw the deeds of the Lord,
his wondrous works in the deep.
25 For he commanded and raised the stormy wind,
which lifted up the waves of the sea.
26 They mounted up to heaven; they went down to the depths;
their courage melted away in their evil plight;
27 they reeled and staggered like drunken men
and were at their wits' end.
28 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
29 He made the storm be still,
and the waves of the sea were hushed.
30 Then they were glad that the waters were quiet,
and he brought them to their desired haven." Psalm 107:23-30
Today was a bad day. I woke up to two of my children rowdily getting out of bed (which they are not allowed to do) and thus awakening their baby brother who was in his big boy bed for his very first night. They woke him-and me- up an hour before we are accustomed to getting up. But because baby boy was awake I had to hop out of bed and get up there because he also just potty trained and I needed to get his night time diaper off so he could use the potty. Within the span of an hour I dealt with about 5 meltdowns from over-tired children, a dog that was insisting on trying to dig holes in the yard and eat his own poop, a few huge spills (two of which were the dog and included him grabbing a full cup of smoothie and tossing it up into the air where it hit the wall and splattered all over himself, the wall, and the floor and the other of which was a half drank bottle of kefir, which he enjoyed immensely). By the time my husband got up I wanted to sob and was so tired I didn't know what to do with myself.
This evening my husband left for church and I sent the children upstairs to play. I read an article that I had seen linked to and had been wanting to check out because I'm always up for a good lashing that will remind me how selfish I am so I can try to repent more, be better, and therefore attain piety.....um, what? Yea, don't deny it, you know you are too:
http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/the-me-monster/
Thankfully I'm getting better at spotting these types of articles for what they are and turning to what Scripture actually says.
About the only thing I found truly helpful about the above link was the very last recommendation to counter one's own thoughts with God's Word. But my passages would look far different from hers. See how she beats herself down with more law? Law for law. She shares in depth a very deep and very hard personal struggle to the Law and how she was about nearly crushed from her need to find perceived perfection in the Amish faith and then how does she say she came out of it? Here was her before:
"What about me? I am tired! Furthermore, I want to raise my kids Amish; my husband won’t allow me to do this; what about my dreams? What about how I feel? They are my kids too! I have been through so much. I, I, I, and what about me, me, me” (notice the “ME” monster). That was my sin. Depression is selfish. When you are depressed, you are only thinking about yourself—about poor and unfortunate ME. I was seeking my own. "
And here is her solution to this problem:
Hmmm....Do you see the problem here? I don't see any loss of the "me monster" she claims to have found to solve her problem.
My dear sisters, you cannot rid yourself of the "me monster". You simply cannot. You cannot stop hurting, you cannot stop muddling through the diapers and the laundry and the filth and the hardships...they (the hurting, the selfishness, the desire to be free from our burdens and sins) just aren't going to go away. They just aren't. The low pressure weather systems with the storms building up behind them kind of days that depress us (or at least me) are still going to come, the news is still going to show the insanity going on around the world that leads us to stare in horror and go, "What the hell?", and we are still going to yell sometimes, be as selfish as the naughtiest 2 year old sometimes, and just not have the energy to do more than throw sugar laden junk at our kids to get them to SIT DOWN AND BE QUIET sometimes.
So what does God's Word say to us? Sisters, the secret when going through God's Word is not to apply law to law. Oh yes, those passages the author of the article shared are God's Inspired Word but did you see their context? Those passages are not written in the context of applying to the hurting, the broken, the law-sick person. Read through the entire Bible and you see that God never changes: He applies law to the unrepentant haters of God and GOSPEL to the hurting, despairing, but faith filled believers in Christ..So read these:
"[13] Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. [14] For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. [15] For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. [16] Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. [17] So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. [18] For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. [19] For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. [20] Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. [21] So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. [22] For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, [23] but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. [24] Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? [25] Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. "(Romans 7:13-25 ESV)
"Some went down to the sea in ships,
doing business on the great waters;
24 they saw the deeds of the Lord,
his wondrous works in the deep.
25 For he commanded and raised the stormy wind,
which lifted up the waves of the sea.
26 They mounted up to heaven; they went down to the depths;
their courage melted away in their evil plight;
27 they reeled and staggered like drunken men
and were at their wits' end.
28 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
29 He made the storm be still,
and the waves of the sea were hushed.
30 Then they were glad that the waters were quiet,
and he brought them to their desired haven." Psalm 107:23-30
Christ has died, Christ is Risen, Christ will come again. And HE will lift you up in due time. And in the mean time we keep on asking our children to forgive us, we forgive as we have been forgiven, and we drag our weary souls where He promises to be: His Word and His Body and Blood, and in the remembrance of our Baptisms. There we find strength for our souls and the courage to keep moving. He IS coming indeed! If there is one thing I hope my children learn from me it is that life is like the above Psalm. We will stagger and fall and be at our wits' end...but Jesus comes, He always comes. I hope my children always know we cannot save ourselves and we can never be good enough, Mommy certainly is not, but we are LOVED, we are FORGIVEN, and Christ gives us His Very Self and does not leave us as orphans. We are His, bought with His Blood, and it's OK to be sad, it's OK to have bad days, we forgive and keep on moving in Christ's help and Christ's joy.
Peace be with you and Christ keep you.
Monday, June 23, 2014
Food, Facebook, and Family
Recently I was listening to THIS. Actually, I have listened to it more than once. And one of the things that has stayed with me the most from this talk was something Pr. Weedon said in the second video, about 5 minutes and 30 seconds in. He says the process of theosis (divinization) is about God taking things away from you. It's not about your own "upward" progress as a Christian, but it is about God's taking things away from you one by one by one and in that taking away, causing you to realize that HE is enough. And then, lastly, He takes away your breath. But even then, He is enough.
Isn't that beautiful?!? Seriously, that is the most beautiful confession of the true Christian faith I have ever heard in my entire life. I want it painted around the top of my family's living room where I have to read it every single day.
Hearing Pastor Weedon's confession was like a slap in the face to several of my false gods that we all have and led me to repent of some of my unconfessed sins/temptations that I did not realize I had. It also allowed me to have peace in some areas of my life that have haunted me.
The first area is food. A friend of mine that finally became a face to face friend when I met her this week, after years of having mutual friends and being friends online, introduced me to a new term this week called orthorexia nervosa. Orthorexia is an eating disorder characterized by an unhealthy preoccupation with food that one perceives to be "unhealthy"......
Um...can we say 99.9% of American culture?
Americans ARE OBSESSED with food. Don't believe me? Head to any of the news websites or take a walk to the check out counter. How many articles will you find with all sorts of self proclaimed experts telling you what is truly "healthy" for you and what is not? And, after 9 years of thinking that in order to be a good mom and wife I had to figure out exactly how to be perfect with food I. AM. DONE.
Do you want to know the biggest most dangerous reason we, as Christians, need to let go of this food obsession once and for all?
The devil has us right where he wants us. He wants to disguise sin's effects on our sinful flesh and our need for Christ and have us call it something other than sin. How does he do this? By making you think your aunt has cancer because she didn't eat an all organic diet free from all gmo's. By making you think your baby has eczema because you didn't follow a paleo diet while pregnant/nursing. By making you think your sister is obese because she eats wheat.
Do you know why we have cancer, eczema, obesity and every other human flesh failure? BECAUSE. WE. ARE. FALLEN. That's it. We are fallen. We are infected with sin. We cannot save ourselves. Friends, you can go ahead and try. You can sprout your grains, soak them, sing to them. You can buy all non-gmo, all organic, heck grow all your own everything. You can take fermented cod liver oil with butter oil, drink all fresh spring water in stainless steel or glass water bottles, and refuse all sugar, grains, and legumes. WHATEVER. But I'm so sorry to tell you, it won't heal you. You will still get sick. you may even get cancer, or eczema, or even still struggle with obesity. You might still feel fatigued, still struggle with insomnia, or still have acne. Yes, God gives us wisdom to make choices that could make a difference in our health temporarily and help ease certain ailments. This is wonderful! But...
The devil delights in his distraction tactic. He wants us to call sin something else, to take control of as many areas of our lives as we can and say, "oh, this isn't a spiritual thing, this has nothing to do with church and God, this is a physical thing, something I CAN CONTROL (WHOOOPPEEEEE!!!!!!)" And suddenly we do our devotions hurriedly in the morning, grouching the whole way through in our heart, because of the stress of wondering how we will be perfect enough to cure our son or self or sister today. And eventually where is our need for Christ?
Enough. It is enough. Look to Christ. Feed your family what you have and what you are able and let it go. Stop reading articles, stop listening to the panic, refuse to make food your god. Food will not heal you, save you, nor add one day to your life. Honor the body God gave you by not pouring things into it in gluttony as God's Word tells us is wicked, but do not grant God's healing powers nor His salvific work to your food.
The next area Weedon's quote convicted me was facebook. The food issue leads into the facebook issue in the way that having SO MUCH input into my life on a daily basis was not only overwhelmingly distracting from my own family and vocation making me see so many things I didn't need to be adding to my day, but, it also, I have realized, really really hurts the relationships in my life. I am afraid to see what relationships will be like for the world in 10-20 years. And I wonder how many of our grown up youth will be depressed, on drugs, or who knows what because their relationships are reduced to a glowing screen that does not hug them, talk to them, or love them. Mothers, sisters, brothers, friends, you can't trade a "like" for love. For real relationships. For life. We are all going to be reduced to hermits living with our glowing screens and not experiencing the world and complexity of true human interaction if we don't wake up. I decided this time to not delete my account completely like I did October of last year for 8 months because like it or not, most email and several event notifications happen through facebook. I have pregnant friends that will post the first announcement of a birth with a picture on facebook. And I want to be able to call or send a card to rejoice with them when word gets out. But I will no longer be posting my own updates unless it is something like a birth announcement. If I have the urge to post something, a picture, a funny happening, a thought, I'm going to either share it with my immediately family/friends around me that day or I will call some friend or family member far away to share it with them. Because that is how we actually deepen our relationships. That is how we show we care. That is how we show real human decency instead of turning into a bunch of robots.
And, like the food issue, the facebook issue feeds right into the family issue. As I have mentioned before, I grew up in a home broken several times over. When I was being raised in public school where many friends had divorced parents, it didn't seem like a big deal to me. My church didn't make a big deal out of it either. And I remember thinking, what's the big deal, I have two Christmases! Two birthdays! Two houses I can switch between if one is annoying me! ....
It is a big deal. It is only now that I'm an adult with a whole home and a Godly marriage that I have been able to grapple with the brokenness I grew up with and my parents and step parents went through. It breaks my heart for them and for me and my siblings. It has also bothered me more and more as I have had so many friendships deepen with so many amazing Pastor's wife friends who come from amazing Christian families. Are we all sinners? Of course, but there's a difference between sinners that live out their entire lives in fear and love of God in a church that takes very seriously how Christian parents will raise their children (and parents who take that seriously enough to vow it to death), confronting them with God's Word and private confession/absolution when they err, and sinners that live out their lives breaking themselves away from God, divorcing their homes and their children from a Godly life by their choices, and calling it OK because "xyz".
I am not seeking to place blame here. In all of these ponderings, I am so very grateful for the way God has kept me. My mom and dad faithfully brought me to the font of Holy Baptism at less than two weeks old and saw to it, along with my step mom, that I was raised faithfully in the church. But as I grappled with anger and confusion over the continuing deterioration of my family as my Dad died and all of my siblings left for other Christian denominations or left the church at times, I struggled to not be one of those people that grows up to become angry and rebellious about their upbringing and despairing over how I would see to it that my own family was raised in a God pleasing way when I had so little left on the home front. I want to honor my family and be grateful to God for the way He provided. And I am. But the answer was found in Weedon's quote and the realizations about food and facebook. First, we have to call things what they are, be honest about the sin we experienced, forgive as we have been forgiven, and where there is unrepentance in others, use it as an opportunity to pray for them and continue to live in repentance ourselves. Second, to seek out my true vocation in my life NOW, not what it used to be, not what I wish it was, but what it is now, and to make the most I can out of the relationships God has actually given me to nurture NOW.
"God has assuredly promised His grace to the humble (1Peter 5:5), that is, to those who lament and despair of themselves. But no man can be thoroughly humbled until he knows that his salvation is utterly beyond his own powers, devices, endeavors, will, and works, and depends entirely on the choice, will, and work of another, namely, of God alone. For as long as he is persuaded that he himself can do even the least thing toward his salvation, he retains some self-confidence and does not altogether despair of himself, and therefore he is not humbled before God, but presumes that there is-or at least hopes or desires that there may be- some place, time, and work for him, by which he may at length attain to salvation. But when a man has no doubt that everything depends on the will of God, then he completely despairs of himself and chooses nothing for himself, but waits for God to work; then he has come close to grace, and can be saved." -Martin Luther
1. Soul, adorn thyself with gladness,
Leave behind all gloom and sadness;
Come into the daylight's splendor,
There with joy thy praises render
Unto Him whose grace unbounded
Hath this woundrous supper founded.
High o'er all the heavens He reigneth,
Yet to dwell with thee He deigneth.
2. Hasten as a bride to meet Him
And with loving reverence greet Him;
For with words of life immortal
Now He knocketh at thy portal.
Haste to open the gates before Him,
Saying, while thou dost adore Him,
Suffer, Lord, that I receive Thee,
And I nevermore will leave Thee. -LSB 635
Thank you, Lord Jesus, for giving us your very self through the doorposts of our mouths that through your precious Body and Blood we may be strengthened in our faith to remain faithful unto death.
Isn't that beautiful?!? Seriously, that is the most beautiful confession of the true Christian faith I have ever heard in my entire life. I want it painted around the top of my family's living room where I have to read it every single day.
Hearing Pastor Weedon's confession was like a slap in the face to several of my false gods that we all have and led me to repent of some of my unconfessed sins/temptations that I did not realize I had. It also allowed me to have peace in some areas of my life that have haunted me.
The first area is food. A friend of mine that finally became a face to face friend when I met her this week, after years of having mutual friends and being friends online, introduced me to a new term this week called orthorexia nervosa. Orthorexia is an eating disorder characterized by an unhealthy preoccupation with food that one perceives to be "unhealthy"......
Um...can we say 99.9% of American culture?
Americans ARE OBSESSED with food. Don't believe me? Head to any of the news websites or take a walk to the check out counter. How many articles will you find with all sorts of self proclaimed experts telling you what is truly "healthy" for you and what is not? And, after 9 years of thinking that in order to be a good mom and wife I had to figure out exactly how to be perfect with food I. AM. DONE.
Do you want to know the biggest most dangerous reason we, as Christians, need to let go of this food obsession once and for all?
The devil has us right where he wants us. He wants to disguise sin's effects on our sinful flesh and our need for Christ and have us call it something other than sin. How does he do this? By making you think your aunt has cancer because she didn't eat an all organic diet free from all gmo's. By making you think your baby has eczema because you didn't follow a paleo diet while pregnant/nursing. By making you think your sister is obese because she eats wheat.
Do you know why we have cancer, eczema, obesity and every other human flesh failure? BECAUSE. WE. ARE. FALLEN. That's it. We are fallen. We are infected with sin. We cannot save ourselves. Friends, you can go ahead and try. You can sprout your grains, soak them, sing to them. You can buy all non-gmo, all organic, heck grow all your own everything. You can take fermented cod liver oil with butter oil, drink all fresh spring water in stainless steel or glass water bottles, and refuse all sugar, grains, and legumes. WHATEVER. But I'm so sorry to tell you, it won't heal you. You will still get sick. you may even get cancer, or eczema, or even still struggle with obesity. You might still feel fatigued, still struggle with insomnia, or still have acne. Yes, God gives us wisdom to make choices that could make a difference in our health temporarily and help ease certain ailments. This is wonderful! But...
The devil delights in his distraction tactic. He wants us to call sin something else, to take control of as many areas of our lives as we can and say, "oh, this isn't a spiritual thing, this has nothing to do with church and God, this is a physical thing, something I CAN CONTROL (WHOOOPPEEEEE!!!!!!)" And suddenly we do our devotions hurriedly in the morning, grouching the whole way through in our heart, because of the stress of wondering how we will be perfect enough to cure our son or self or sister today. And eventually where is our need for Christ?
Enough. It is enough. Look to Christ. Feed your family what you have and what you are able and let it go. Stop reading articles, stop listening to the panic, refuse to make food your god. Food will not heal you, save you, nor add one day to your life. Honor the body God gave you by not pouring things into it in gluttony as God's Word tells us is wicked, but do not grant God's healing powers nor His salvific work to your food.
The next area Weedon's quote convicted me was facebook. The food issue leads into the facebook issue in the way that having SO MUCH input into my life on a daily basis was not only overwhelmingly distracting from my own family and vocation making me see so many things I didn't need to be adding to my day, but, it also, I have realized, really really hurts the relationships in my life. I am afraid to see what relationships will be like for the world in 10-20 years. And I wonder how many of our grown up youth will be depressed, on drugs, or who knows what because their relationships are reduced to a glowing screen that does not hug them, talk to them, or love them. Mothers, sisters, brothers, friends, you can't trade a "like" for love. For real relationships. For life. We are all going to be reduced to hermits living with our glowing screens and not experiencing the world and complexity of true human interaction if we don't wake up. I decided this time to not delete my account completely like I did October of last year for 8 months because like it or not, most email and several event notifications happen through facebook. I have pregnant friends that will post the first announcement of a birth with a picture on facebook. And I want to be able to call or send a card to rejoice with them when word gets out. But I will no longer be posting my own updates unless it is something like a birth announcement. If I have the urge to post something, a picture, a funny happening, a thought, I'm going to either share it with my immediately family/friends around me that day or I will call some friend or family member far away to share it with them. Because that is how we actually deepen our relationships. That is how we show we care. That is how we show real human decency instead of turning into a bunch of robots.
And, like the food issue, the facebook issue feeds right into the family issue. As I have mentioned before, I grew up in a home broken several times over. When I was being raised in public school where many friends had divorced parents, it didn't seem like a big deal to me. My church didn't make a big deal out of it either. And I remember thinking, what's the big deal, I have two Christmases! Two birthdays! Two houses I can switch between if one is annoying me! ....
It is a big deal. It is only now that I'm an adult with a whole home and a Godly marriage that I have been able to grapple with the brokenness I grew up with and my parents and step parents went through. It breaks my heart for them and for me and my siblings. It has also bothered me more and more as I have had so many friendships deepen with so many amazing Pastor's wife friends who come from amazing Christian families. Are we all sinners? Of course, but there's a difference between sinners that live out their entire lives in fear and love of God in a church that takes very seriously how Christian parents will raise their children (and parents who take that seriously enough to vow it to death), confronting them with God's Word and private confession/absolution when they err, and sinners that live out their lives breaking themselves away from God, divorcing their homes and their children from a Godly life by their choices, and calling it OK because "xyz".
I am not seeking to place blame here. In all of these ponderings, I am so very grateful for the way God has kept me. My mom and dad faithfully brought me to the font of Holy Baptism at less than two weeks old and saw to it, along with my step mom, that I was raised faithfully in the church. But as I grappled with anger and confusion over the continuing deterioration of my family as my Dad died and all of my siblings left for other Christian denominations or left the church at times, I struggled to not be one of those people that grows up to become angry and rebellious about their upbringing and despairing over how I would see to it that my own family was raised in a God pleasing way when I had so little left on the home front. I want to honor my family and be grateful to God for the way He provided. And I am. But the answer was found in Weedon's quote and the realizations about food and facebook. First, we have to call things what they are, be honest about the sin we experienced, forgive as we have been forgiven, and where there is unrepentance in others, use it as an opportunity to pray for them and continue to live in repentance ourselves. Second, to seek out my true vocation in my life NOW, not what it used to be, not what I wish it was, but what it is now, and to make the most I can out of the relationships God has actually given me to nurture NOW.
"God has assuredly promised His grace to the humble (1Peter 5:5), that is, to those who lament and despair of themselves. But no man can be thoroughly humbled until he knows that his salvation is utterly beyond his own powers, devices, endeavors, will, and works, and depends entirely on the choice, will, and work of another, namely, of God alone. For as long as he is persuaded that he himself can do even the least thing toward his salvation, he retains some self-confidence and does not altogether despair of himself, and therefore he is not humbled before God, but presumes that there is-or at least hopes or desires that there may be- some place, time, and work for him, by which he may at length attain to salvation. But when a man has no doubt that everything depends on the will of God, then he completely despairs of himself and chooses nothing for himself, but waits for God to work; then he has come close to grace, and can be saved." -Martin Luther
1. Soul, adorn thyself with gladness,
Leave behind all gloom and sadness;
Come into the daylight's splendor,
There with joy thy praises render
Unto Him whose grace unbounded
Hath this woundrous supper founded.
High o'er all the heavens He reigneth,
Yet to dwell with thee He deigneth.
2. Hasten as a bride to meet Him
And with loving reverence greet Him;
For with words of life immortal
Now He knocketh at thy portal.
Haste to open the gates before Him,
Saying, while thou dost adore Him,
Suffer, Lord, that I receive Thee,
And I nevermore will leave Thee. -LSB 635
Thank you, Lord Jesus, for giving us your very self through the doorposts of our mouths that through your precious Body and Blood we may be strengthened in our faith to remain faithful unto death.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
One day at a time
I've been kind of avoiding this place lately. I'm not sure why. With spring and now summer like weather I have been very busy outside. I planted a large garden in early spring in a small greenhouse we set up and last weekend my husband and I spent the entire weekend taking the greenhouse down, tilling, planting, laying straw, building a fence around it, etc. It was a ton of work but so rewarding. I now have about 25 tomato plants growing (roma mostly) so that come harvest I can process and can salsa, home made ketchup, and spaghetti sauce. We eat a lot of all three so I want it to be home made and cheap!
We also re-landscaped our entire front garden. When we moved in 2 1/2 years ago, the garden had three MASSIVE shrubs and some bulbs that came up each year. Last summer we removed the largest shrub...with our van. We're cool like that. Then a few weeks ago my husband and his brother removed the other two with an ax and man muscle. So over the last few weeks I have planted over 50 bulbs around our 3/4 of an acre, most of them in the front garden, and we also planted two magnolia trees in the front and I laid about 20 bags of mulch. I'm pretty proud I've done all of this work while also being in the first and beginning of my second trimesters.
Today I spent the entire day out pulling weeds, tending my garden, and then I surprised my husband and seriously deep cleaned our garage and reorganized it. All of this I did by myself!
A lot of people have asked me if, now that I'm 16 weeks along, I am able to breathe easy and know everything will be OK with this baby. I can't help but laugh and sigh all at once. A dear friend of mine lost her baby at 38+ weeks. Even before my long run of losses, I was never the same after that. Of course now it runs much deeper but I do not think I will ever feel the same about pregnancy again. I will always until I am, God willing, able to hold the baby in my arms, be aware that at any moment the Lord could call my baby home. This is sobering, scary, gives me nightmares that I'm waking up hemorrhaging as I miscarry...and yet, those are just bad moments. I've had enough suffering in the last year plus to know that suffering is just suffering. Bad moments are just bad moments. Death is just death, but only because Jesus took what sin and the devil meant for our permanent destruction and swallowed it up with His own death.
Christ Jesus lay in death's strong bands,
For our offenses given.
But now at God's right hand He stands,
and brings us life from heaven.
Therefore let us joyful be,
and sing to God right thankfully,
loud sonds of Alleluia, Alleluia!
It was a strange and dreadful strife,
when life and death contended;
The victory remained with life,
the reign of death was ended.
Holy Scripture plainly saith,
that death is swallowed up by death
It's sting is lost forever,
Alleluia!
I don't know what the future holds. I am so thankful for this rest from loss but I know that even if the Lord were to call this baby home, He would sustain me and my family. But for now we are able to rejoice and thank God for this miracle, praying fervently for this child's baptismal day to come in due time and that this child and the rest of our children will be sustained and granted earthly lives full of joy in their service to Christ and His church.
We also re-landscaped our entire front garden. When we moved in 2 1/2 years ago, the garden had three MASSIVE shrubs and some bulbs that came up each year. Last summer we removed the largest shrub...with our van. We're cool like that. Then a few weeks ago my husband and his brother removed the other two with an ax and man muscle. So over the last few weeks I have planted over 50 bulbs around our 3/4 of an acre, most of them in the front garden, and we also planted two magnolia trees in the front and I laid about 20 bags of mulch. I'm pretty proud I've done all of this work while also being in the first and beginning of my second trimesters.
Today I spent the entire day out pulling weeds, tending my garden, and then I surprised my husband and seriously deep cleaned our garage and reorganized it. All of this I did by myself!
A lot of people have asked me if, now that I'm 16 weeks along, I am able to breathe easy and know everything will be OK with this baby. I can't help but laugh and sigh all at once. A dear friend of mine lost her baby at 38+ weeks. Even before my long run of losses, I was never the same after that. Of course now it runs much deeper but I do not think I will ever feel the same about pregnancy again. I will always until I am, God willing, able to hold the baby in my arms, be aware that at any moment the Lord could call my baby home. This is sobering, scary, gives me nightmares that I'm waking up hemorrhaging as I miscarry...and yet, those are just bad moments. I've had enough suffering in the last year plus to know that suffering is just suffering. Bad moments are just bad moments. Death is just death, but only because Jesus took what sin and the devil meant for our permanent destruction and swallowed it up with His own death.
Christ Jesus lay in death's strong bands,
For our offenses given.
But now at God's right hand He stands,
and brings us life from heaven.
Therefore let us joyful be,
and sing to God right thankfully,
loud sonds of Alleluia, Alleluia!
It was a strange and dreadful strife,
when life and death contended;
The victory remained with life,
the reign of death was ended.
Holy Scripture plainly saith,
that death is swallowed up by death
It's sting is lost forever,
Alleluia!
I don't know what the future holds. I am so thankful for this rest from loss but I know that even if the Lord were to call this baby home, He would sustain me and my family. But for now we are able to rejoice and thank God for this miracle, praying fervently for this child's baptismal day to come in due time and that this child and the rest of our children will be sustained and granted earthly lives full of joy in their service to Christ and His church.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
What does this mean?-A Mother's Day post
I guess you could say that when Tom and I left Midland we had a mess of theories about how to raise children. We still have a mess of children, but no theories. Sure, 12 is still our number. It's the number of months my book was on the bestseller list. It's the number of job offers Tom turned down before we found one close to home. And each day it's the number of times I'm thankful there's such a thing as family. "Kate" -Cheaper by the Dozen
Mother. What does this mean? I once thought it meant making my children into what they needed to be. Kind. Generous. Believers in Christ. Joyful. Serving. Self controlled.
I could not have been more wrong. Oh and what a shame for the years I burdened myself with such an awful law which put me at war with my own children!
Here is why I was wrong:
I cannot MAKE my children into anything.
I cannot force-produce, or produce at all, fruits of the Spirit in my children.
I cannot create faith in my children.
I cannot keep my children from falling away from the faith.
No amount of perfection in me could ever make perfection in my children...especially when there's no amount of perfection in me and never will be on this side of heaven.
So what shall I do then? What does this mean?
It means I can commiserate.
It means I can ask forgiveness.
It means I can give rewards, blessings, treats...just because life IS hard, and I know this full well and I want you, my child, to know that I know it's hard and that somehow, together, we will press on.
It means neither you, my child, nor I, will ever be perfect here on earth so we will just have to muddle through as best we can, by the grace of God.
It means we can rejoice together when the sun shines and the good days come, and hold hands or cry together when the crosses are so hard.
It means I will make you go to church, as my father did to me, every single Sunday unless you can't get out of bed, because even though some days we both hate going because church is hard, a discipline rather than an emotional high, we know it is there that Christ comes to us, creates saving faith in us before we know to seek Him, indwells us with His Holy Word and His Body and Blood to sustain that faith and produce in us desires for the things of God, and fills us with His very Self. It is often the gifts that are the least flashy that are the ones we can't live without and that bring us the greatest help, love, and joy.
It means that I love you unconditionally, always and forever, bad days and good. It means I will fail. I will sin. I will yell. I will get angry. I will mess up big time....but I will always love you. I will always be here for you as long as the Lord gives me breath. And I would give my life for each one of you. To the children that have called me "Mom"..... and the ones that never got the chance.... I love you with my life.
Love, Mommy
Mother. What does this mean? I once thought it meant making my children into what they needed to be. Kind. Generous. Believers in Christ. Joyful. Serving. Self controlled.
I could not have been more wrong. Oh and what a shame for the years I burdened myself with such an awful law which put me at war with my own children!
Here is why I was wrong:
I cannot MAKE my children into anything.
I cannot force-produce, or produce at all, fruits of the Spirit in my children.
I cannot create faith in my children.
I cannot keep my children from falling away from the faith.
No amount of perfection in me could ever make perfection in my children...especially when there's no amount of perfection in me and never will be on this side of heaven.
So what shall I do then? What does this mean?
It means I can commiserate.
It means I can ask forgiveness.
It means I can give rewards, blessings, treats...just because life IS hard, and I know this full well and I want you, my child, to know that I know it's hard and that somehow, together, we will press on.
It means neither you, my child, nor I, will ever be perfect here on earth so we will just have to muddle through as best we can, by the grace of God.
It means we can rejoice together when the sun shines and the good days come, and hold hands or cry together when the crosses are so hard.
It means I will make you go to church, as my father did to me, every single Sunday unless you can't get out of bed, because even though some days we both hate going because church is hard, a discipline rather than an emotional high, we know it is there that Christ comes to us, creates saving faith in us before we know to seek Him, indwells us with His Holy Word and His Body and Blood to sustain that faith and produce in us desires for the things of God, and fills us with His very Self. It is often the gifts that are the least flashy that are the ones we can't live without and that bring us the greatest help, love, and joy.
It means that I love you unconditionally, always and forever, bad days and good. It means I will fail. I will sin. I will yell. I will get angry. I will mess up big time....but I will always love you. I will always be here for you as long as the Lord gives me breath. And I would give my life for each one of you. To the children that have called me "Mom"..... and the ones that never got the chance.... I love you with my life.
Love, Mommy
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Grace in parenting
This is a post that has probably been working itself out in my heart since...well, since my second son was born. I've come close to being able to put it into words before but have always failed. I'm not sure I'll be able to do it here tonight but I'm going to try, selfishly, more for my own benefit as I try to hash this out.
I want to spare details of why this came about mainly because it would take several posts in and of itself and it's too private but our second child had IMMENSE health struggles and challenges from the very beginning of his life. In fact, he had a rare cord abnormality that should have killed both of us during his pregnancy. The entire first 4 1/2 years of his life were a very hard blur. My third son came when my second was only 20 months old and in the middle of his terrible struggles which greatly impacted my ability to nurture him.
So fast forward to my second son being 6 and my third being 4 and everyone is healthy now. The health problems have been overcome...but the emotional scars of those awful and helpless years are still there...for me and the kids.
It causes me to worry, to stress, to overcompensate, to fear for my kids' salvation, for their happiness, and for our ability to be a strong and bonded family.
But...
I want to spare details of why this came about mainly because it would take several posts in and of itself and it's too private but our second child had IMMENSE health struggles and challenges from the very beginning of his life. In fact, he had a rare cord abnormality that should have killed both of us during his pregnancy. The entire first 4 1/2 years of his life were a very hard blur. My third son came when my second was only 20 months old and in the middle of his terrible struggles which greatly impacted my ability to nurture him.
So fast forward to my second son being 6 and my third being 4 and everyone is healthy now. The health problems have been overcome...but the emotional scars of those awful and helpless years are still there...for me and the kids.
It causes me to worry, to stress, to overcompensate, to fear for my kids' salvation, for their happiness, and for our ability to be a strong and bonded family.
But...
And there we have it. Grace. Peace. Healing. Forgiveness. Redemption. It is finished. Death is swallowed up by death. And Christ is Risen!
It is not just for us, it is for our children. And if we believe what we say about Baptism, namely, that in it the Holy Spirit indwells our children, grants them faith and the forgiveness of sins, then shall we let the devil taunt and mock us with sin, sickness, brokenness?
No, we say, "yes devil, what of it? We are sick, broken, see death, but Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again!"
So we, as parents, in the tiring and awfulness of a broken world, hold our children close and rejoice in complete forgiveness, grace, mercy, and faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, who loves our children and ourselves far more than we do. Will not He who died for us and in fact redeemed you through all your sins and falterings, will He not indeed keep your children and defend them against the devil, the world, and their sinful flesh and thus work out His good and gracious will in your children?
Lord grant me faith in your love, perseverance in the good fight, wisdom in all I do as wife and mother, and grace for each and every moment.
Come soon, Lord Jesus!
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
198 days...
198 days, or 11 wks and 5 days pregnant, is a very big number for me. That's how many days left I had in my pregnancy with Anastasia to get to her due date when I found out she was dead. That's where I am today with Genesis.
Instead of laying cold in a dark room while I stared at a lifeless body I continued to work through my nausea and pregnancy headaches. Instead of praying feverishly for wisdom on whether to let them rush me over for a d&c, I had trouble zipping up my coat over my expanding belly. Instead of not being able to eat from grief, I found myself with heartburn from allowing myself dessert.
I feel like I'm living a fantasy. I know that sounds dramatic, I've had 4 full term pregnancies and it's only been 2 1/2 years since giving birth to my youngest living child, but something about the last year and 4 months just seems like an eternity. I had given myself over to the reality that God was done growing our family in live births.
Part of this is not my fault. At my follow up apt after my miscarriage in January, after going over the details of the miscarriages all over again with my OB, who is a specialist in infertility/miscarriage, she furrowed her brow and said to me, "We can do all the tests if you want. But I don't think we're going to find anything. I think your 4 living children were the lucky ones." I really trust my OB. I adore her honestly. She is so kind and understanding and respectful of my faith. So when she said those words to me, I believed her. She thought there was something genetically wrong with either my husband or I (or both of us together) that was going to continue to make us miscarry and that the four we had were "lucky".
I went home and wrestled. I wrestled with the Lord, with my own perception of the meaning of life, of the meaning of MY life, with everything I thought I would be, with everything I thought my LIFE would be..... with my false gods.
Then I read Job. Oh Job. Thank you Jesus for giving us the book of Job. I cried my way through it, seeing myself and my sin and my idolatry.
We did the testing, the very expensive non insurance covered testing. I did not allow the genetic testing. The only testing I wanted was testing that would let me know if there was anything I needed to do to protect my littlest neighbor. There is nothing I can do about genetics. It all came back normal. This seemed to confirm what my OB had said.
So, we did a last resort. The only thing we hadn't tried. I asked my OB to prescribe progesterone for me to take from ovulation on so that if my progesterone was still low as it was during the summer miscarriages, I could at least provide that. I worried about using the progesterone. What if we really did have a genetic problem and I was prolonging a child's suffering in my womb by using it? But my OB assured me that the progesterone would not prolong the life of a baby that was struggling. And there, on the second cycle after my miscarriage, was the positive test. And here I am 11 weeks and 5 days later with a maternity shirt on.
I used to be proud when I walked through a store with my little ducks in a row and a growing belly. I walked around like it was a trophy. I had built up a false god under the same of quiverfull, believing myself more righteous for having a growing brood of children and proudly saying I would have as many as the Lord blessed me with.
I am not proud anymore. I am deeply in love with each of my children and see in them my opportunity to serve them as Christ serves me. And I am being given that opportunity again to give up my own body to serve the life of this unborn child. But it earns me no awards, no favor from God, no honors. I am not the Creator, I am simply a vessel. I am not the Savior, I am simply the boo boo kisser and the tushy wiper. The blessing comes not because the quiver is full or not full, the blessing is each and every child baptized into Christ because each and every child is the handiwork of God. I once read the quiverfull passage and thought, how very sad for those that are barren or have very few children. Where is the Gospel in this for them?
But now I understand. "Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one's youth, how blessed is the man who's quiver is full of them." Arrows pierce the enemy. Baptized children of God pierce our enemy the devil with their child-like faith. Your quiver can still be full if you have not had a child spring from your own body. Your quiver is full any time you teach the young about Jesus. Your quiver is full any time you read the Gospel to a little child in your lap. Your quiver is full when you yourself continue in the faith you were raised in and remain steadfast in His Word.
The honor is not in me, it is in Jesus and His salvific work in all the little children that become His through Holy Baptism. THEY are the blessing because they are HIS. It's not We that are the blessing because we have lots of babies.
God has created Genesis and I long for this child's baptismal day where another arrow will be like a poisoned dart to the devil and will mock him as we await Christ's return.
Come soon Lord Jesus.
Instead of laying cold in a dark room while I stared at a lifeless body I continued to work through my nausea and pregnancy headaches. Instead of praying feverishly for wisdom on whether to let them rush me over for a d&c, I had trouble zipping up my coat over my expanding belly. Instead of not being able to eat from grief, I found myself with heartburn from allowing myself dessert.
I feel like I'm living a fantasy. I know that sounds dramatic, I've had 4 full term pregnancies and it's only been 2 1/2 years since giving birth to my youngest living child, but something about the last year and 4 months just seems like an eternity. I had given myself over to the reality that God was done growing our family in live births.
Part of this is not my fault. At my follow up apt after my miscarriage in January, after going over the details of the miscarriages all over again with my OB, who is a specialist in infertility/miscarriage, she furrowed her brow and said to me, "We can do all the tests if you want. But I don't think we're going to find anything. I think your 4 living children were the lucky ones." I really trust my OB. I adore her honestly. She is so kind and understanding and respectful of my faith. So when she said those words to me, I believed her. She thought there was something genetically wrong with either my husband or I (or both of us together) that was going to continue to make us miscarry and that the four we had were "lucky".
I went home and wrestled. I wrestled with the Lord, with my own perception of the meaning of life, of the meaning of MY life, with everything I thought I would be, with everything I thought my LIFE would be..... with my false gods.
Then I read Job. Oh Job. Thank you Jesus for giving us the book of Job. I cried my way through it, seeing myself and my sin and my idolatry.
We did the testing, the very expensive non insurance covered testing. I did not allow the genetic testing. The only testing I wanted was testing that would let me know if there was anything I needed to do to protect my littlest neighbor. There is nothing I can do about genetics. It all came back normal. This seemed to confirm what my OB had said.
So, we did a last resort. The only thing we hadn't tried. I asked my OB to prescribe progesterone for me to take from ovulation on so that if my progesterone was still low as it was during the summer miscarriages, I could at least provide that. I worried about using the progesterone. What if we really did have a genetic problem and I was prolonging a child's suffering in my womb by using it? But my OB assured me that the progesterone would not prolong the life of a baby that was struggling. And there, on the second cycle after my miscarriage, was the positive test. And here I am 11 weeks and 5 days later with a maternity shirt on.
I used to be proud when I walked through a store with my little ducks in a row and a growing belly. I walked around like it was a trophy. I had built up a false god under the same of quiverfull, believing myself more righteous for having a growing brood of children and proudly saying I would have as many as the Lord blessed me with.
I am not proud anymore. I am deeply in love with each of my children and see in them my opportunity to serve them as Christ serves me. And I am being given that opportunity again to give up my own body to serve the life of this unborn child. But it earns me no awards, no favor from God, no honors. I am not the Creator, I am simply a vessel. I am not the Savior, I am simply the boo boo kisser and the tushy wiper. The blessing comes not because the quiver is full or not full, the blessing is each and every child baptized into Christ because each and every child is the handiwork of God. I once read the quiverfull passage and thought, how very sad for those that are barren or have very few children. Where is the Gospel in this for them?
But now I understand. "Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one's youth, how blessed is the man who's quiver is full of them." Arrows pierce the enemy. Baptized children of God pierce our enemy the devil with their child-like faith. Your quiver can still be full if you have not had a child spring from your own body. Your quiver is full any time you teach the young about Jesus. Your quiver is full any time you read the Gospel to a little child in your lap. Your quiver is full when you yourself continue in the faith you were raised in and remain steadfast in His Word.
The honor is not in me, it is in Jesus and His salvific work in all the little children that become His through Holy Baptism. THEY are the blessing because they are HIS. It's not We that are the blessing because we have lots of babies.
God has created Genesis and I long for this child's baptismal day where another arrow will be like a poisoned dart to the devil and will mock him as we await Christ's return.
Come soon Lord Jesus.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
A time to rejoice
There is a lady at my church that has had some interaction with me and my kids away from church. I adore her, she has been a huge blessing to me and my kids. Earlier this week I was caught off guard when talking with her and she said something to the effect of, "It's good to see you smile!" At first I was annoyed. She has spent many hours with me and my children over the past 8 months, many fun and joy-filled days with lots of laughter. Why would she act like she hasn't seen me smile? But as I spent more time pondering what she said, I realized that there was a few month gap between those happier times in the fall and when she spent more time with us again shortly after my recent miscarriage in January. The couple of times she came after that miscarriage I was neck deep in OB appointments, expensive labs to make sure we were doing everything in our power to care for our unborn "neighbors", and trying to discern what we were to do next. I was angry, exhausted, confused, and heart broken.
Today, while commenting on my growing belly, she again said, "You just look SO good. Your color is good, you just look so happy!" I smiled and said, "Thanks, I AM happy."
But later after thinking on it yet some more I realized what I wish I had said both times.
Her: "It's so good to see you smile!"
Me: "Thank you, it feels good to smile again. I know it always makes us happier to see people smile but I also know that my time of mourning and sadness was good and valuable too because God brought me to it. What God ordains is always best."
I was pondering this a lot with Holy Week and, today, with Easter. Easter today is filled with so much joy and laughter for us, but for the disciples and the women, it was like some unbelievable conspiracy come to life! A missing dead body, a strange figure with clothes like lightening sitting on rolled away stone after his in-coming presence quaked the earth, people after their lives while they hid in locked rooms only to have Christ show Himself, feed them, then walk through a wall! I have to imagine amidst the insanity and fear there was a crazy elation and overwhelming joy at what they hoped was coming true before their very eyes.
But faith is not evidenced in emotions. Mourning is good. Rejoicing is good. But faith is not evidenced in them, it is evidenced in Christ's Body and Blood, in Baptism, in God's Word. I have faith, therefore I go to where God promises to be. Worry about me if I cease to go to God's house, not if I cry or am in a time of mourning. Do not think I do not have peace, or joy, or life, or abundant blessings if I don't smile or if I cry or if I weep. Think I do not have all those things if I cease to be where God has given us Himself.
I AM happy right now. God has called me out of my time of mourning into a time of rejoicing. The sun is shining and has filled my skin with a radiant (sunburned? ;) glow. My fingers are dirty from sewing new life into the soil both in flower and vegetable form. God has lifted me up from the pit and allowed me to enter back into a time of rejoicing, thanks be to God!
The Contrast of Wisdom and Folly [1] A good name is better than precious ointment, and the day of death than the day of birth. [2] It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting, for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart. [3] Sorrow is better than laughter, for by sadness of face the heart is made glad. [4] The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth. [5] It is better for a man to hear the rebuke of the wise than to hear the song of fools. [6] For as the crackling of thorns under a pot, so is the laughter of the fools; this also is vanity. [7] Surely oppression drives the wise into madness, and a bribe corrupts the heart. [8] Better is the end of a thing than its beginning, and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit. [13] Consider the work of God: who can make straight what he has made crooked? [14] In the day of prosperity be joyful, and in the day of adversity consider: God has made the one as well as the other, so that man may not find out anything that will be after him. (Ecclesiastes 7:1-14 ESV)
Today, while commenting on my growing belly, she again said, "You just look SO good. Your color is good, you just look so happy!" I smiled and said, "Thanks, I AM happy."
But later after thinking on it yet some more I realized what I wish I had said both times.
Her: "It's so good to see you smile!"
Me: "Thank you, it feels good to smile again. I know it always makes us happier to see people smile but I also know that my time of mourning and sadness was good and valuable too because God brought me to it. What God ordains is always best."
I was pondering this a lot with Holy Week and, today, with Easter. Easter today is filled with so much joy and laughter for us, but for the disciples and the women, it was like some unbelievable conspiracy come to life! A missing dead body, a strange figure with clothes like lightening sitting on rolled away stone after his in-coming presence quaked the earth, people after their lives while they hid in locked rooms only to have Christ show Himself, feed them, then walk through a wall! I have to imagine amidst the insanity and fear there was a crazy elation and overwhelming joy at what they hoped was coming true before their very eyes.
But faith is not evidenced in emotions. Mourning is good. Rejoicing is good. But faith is not evidenced in them, it is evidenced in Christ's Body and Blood, in Baptism, in God's Word. I have faith, therefore I go to where God promises to be. Worry about me if I cease to go to God's house, not if I cry or am in a time of mourning. Do not think I do not have peace, or joy, or life, or abundant blessings if I don't smile or if I cry or if I weep. Think I do not have all those things if I cease to be where God has given us Himself.
I AM happy right now. God has called me out of my time of mourning into a time of rejoicing. The sun is shining and has filled my skin with a radiant (sunburned? ;) glow. My fingers are dirty from sewing new life into the soil both in flower and vegetable form. God has lifted me up from the pit and allowed me to enter back into a time of rejoicing, thanks be to God!
The Contrast of Wisdom and Folly [1] A good name is better than precious ointment, and the day of death than the day of birth. [2] It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting, for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart. [3] Sorrow is better than laughter, for by sadness of face the heart is made glad. [4] The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth. [5] It is better for a man to hear the rebuke of the wise than to hear the song of fools. [6] For as the crackling of thorns under a pot, so is the laughter of the fools; this also is vanity. [7] Surely oppression drives the wise into madness, and a bribe corrupts the heart. [8] Better is the end of a thing than its beginning, and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit. [13] Consider the work of God: who can make straight what he has made crooked? [14] In the day of prosperity be joyful, and in the day of adversity consider: God has made the one as well as the other, so that man may not find out anything that will be after him. (Ecclesiastes 7:1-14 ESV)
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Solomon
Tonight, while enjoying some new bath salts, I read the book of Ecclesiastes. It's been a while since I've had a good read through this book and, as usual, it did not disappoint. One of the verses that struck me the most tonight and actually made me laugh out loud was this one:
And yet, all joking aside, in a way this photo is very appropriate. None of us can escape death or the lairs and traps of this evil life. It is awful, it is wretched, and evil happens to those made righteous by Christ and evil alike...as do blessings.
I thought more about Solomon when I had finished the book. Here you have the richest and wisest of all men of all time. And yet over and over he laments his wisdom...earthly human wisdom, even the greatest of all wisdom, is nothing, NOTHING in comparison with the wisdom of God that only He possesses. For none of us can comprehend the ways of God.
So what is left? To eat, drink, be merry, and to set about our work that we have been given to do.
And I am sure in time this will be added to me but there is also a time to weep. A time to mourn. A time to fast.
Brokenness, trials, suffering...they strip us naked of all false hopes, of all conceit, of all idols, it leaves us face to face with our ultimate fear: ultimate failure and utter ruin...damnation. But when we open our eyes to come face to face with the enemy, instead, those who have been baptized into Christ see this instead:
For a time we fast. We fast to acknowledge the brokenness, to tell our flesh that it is not our Lord, and to pray, Lord come. But after awhile we lift our heads up and are fed by our Lord and then we must keep on in the work He has given us to do. For it is all there is until He comes for us. May we be merry in our doing.
Enjoy Life with the One You Love
7.Go, eat your bread with joy, and drink your wine with a merry heart, for God has already approved what you do.
9.Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun. 10.Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might, for there is no work or thought or knowledge or wisdom in Sheol, to which you are going. (Ecclesiastes 9:7-10)
Look at verse 9 in particular. I had to laugh because the first two verses just drip with Gospel, and it seems to be continuing until that word "vain" slips in and you are brought back to reality. Oh yea, this is all just stupid sinful life and we're all, righteous by Christ and unrighteous alike, on our march to death.
I laughed to my husband that in one word it's like Solomon went from this sweet Gospel speaking man to him:
Look into my eyes!!!
And yet, all joking aside, in a way this photo is very appropriate. None of us can escape death or the lairs and traps of this evil life. It is awful, it is wretched, and evil happens to those made righteous by Christ and evil alike...as do blessings.
I thought more about Solomon when I had finished the book. Here you have the richest and wisest of all men of all time. And yet over and over he laments his wisdom...earthly human wisdom, even the greatest of all wisdom, is nothing, NOTHING in comparison with the wisdom of God that only He possesses. For none of us can comprehend the ways of God.
So what is left? To eat, drink, be merry, and to set about our work that we have been given to do.
And I am sure in time this will be added to me but there is also a time to weep. A time to mourn. A time to fast.
It is better to go to the house of mourning
Sorrow is better than laughter,
The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning,
He is already there, He has already conquered. You are saved.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Her
Sometimes I wish I could go back to being her. That young mom with 4 kids ages 5 and under who was exhausted and yet bursting with joy that I had 4 small adorable little men. And counting. I see her smiling face that looked like she had a joke behind her eyes because they seemed to be laughing.
Oh sure she was tired, and sometimes she worried about having more kids (though really because she was worried she wouldn't be enough for the kids she had), but always she could not believe God had given HER kids. She certainly didn't deserve them, nor was she even good at being a mom, but still He gave.
But I will never go back to being her. I can't.
"And Elkanah, her husband, said to her, “Hannah, why do you weep? And why do you not eat? And why is your heart sad? Am I not more to you than ten sons?” (1 Samuel 1:8, ESV)
Today I found myself thinking on Elkanah's response to Hannah as I questioned myself and my grief.
But it's not about what we already have. Do we not all, barren women, husbandless women, do we not ALL have reasons to rejoice? Christ has risen! But that doesn't make death and sin and earthly life any less a cause for grief sometimes...or sometimes all the time.
I will never go back to being her. I have been taken off the course of married and being fruitful and multiplying and instead my body has turned into a death machine.
Oh sure she was tired, and sometimes she worried about having more kids (though really because she was worried she wouldn't be enough for the kids she had), but always she could not believe God had given HER kids. She certainly didn't deserve them, nor was she even good at being a mom, but still He gave.
But I will never go back to being her. I can't.
"And Elkanah, her husband, said to her, “Hannah, why do you weep? And why do you not eat? And why is your heart sad? Am I not more to you than ten sons?” (1 Samuel 1:8, ESV)
Today I found myself thinking on Elkanah's response to Hannah as I questioned myself and my grief.
But it's not about what we already have. Do we not all, barren women, husbandless women, do we not ALL have reasons to rejoice? Christ has risen! But that doesn't make death and sin and earthly life any less a cause for grief sometimes...or sometimes all the time.
I will never go back to being her. I have been taken off the course of married and being fruitful and multiplying and instead my body has turned into a death machine.
It reminds me of the parts in the Divergent trilogy where Tris and Tobias have to go through their "fear landscapes" in which they are forced to either watch the death of loved ones or even kill loved ones over and over again. It's not real, but in the simulation, it feels very real.
I'm trapped in this sick reality where I am handed a precious life and then cannot sustain it. I can do nothing to protect it, to nurture it, to save it. Something that is supposed to just happen, won't. And time after time I have to watch my body grotesquely expel what it was supposed to house, to protect, to bring safely to the waters of Holy Baptism.
It's not real because this life is not our ultimate reality, heaven is. This nightmare will end and that is why it is worth fighting through until our Savior comes for us. Those 6 children of mine are indeed safe. But while I'm here it's very real. And I can't choose to leave this reality when I want to, nor would I, because I have children to care for and a husband to love: a vocation to perform.
We all have vocations, whether or not they are the vocations we want, whether or not they include children or husbands.
But the hard reality is that regardless of whether the Lord does allow another child to be sustained and brought into this life, I have had to watch my body become the enemy of life and I will never be the same again. Until Jesus comes for us I will always have to look back at that girl with the laugh behind her eyes and instead see the woman that has replaced her. A part of me has died with my 6 stillborn children, and when I look at our family pictures I will always see the empty spaces.
I must say I never realized back in my newly married naivety and joy that perpetual parturition could be turned into perpetual death. But what's a girl to do?
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.
There's something strangely comforting about having it all come crashing down around you, to be left helpless and defeated and to become a hostage of death....because someone else became death's hostage before me...and well, he conquered it.
So while this feels real, and it will be real for quite some time, it WILL end. sigh. Sometime.
Friday, February 14, 2014
Grace
Last night I saw an article linked to that sought to provide parents with Biblical counsel on dealing with a child that is throwing a tantrum. It looked at the common ways most parents deal with them and the perceived outcomes for the child.
1. Laugh (not at the child but to excuse the behavior) or walk away.
2. Remove the child to a separate space.
The author made the claim that both of these ways would not only speak an acceptance of the behavior to the child but indeed would ignore a parent's responsibility to train up the child in the way he/she should go.
The author of the article made the claim that tantrums in children are nothing but selfishness, sin, and evil and that it should be stopped with loving discipline, correction, and rebuke.
At first I felt guilty. How many times in the past weeks have I not responded to tantrums with quick but calm discipline and rebuke?
But then I thought about those tantrums, about their cause. I also thought about my own tantrums. (No, not displayed in a way of a child, but in my heart.) And then I thought about some Biblical tantrums, and how God dealt with them. One in particular comes to mind:
"Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword. Then Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah, saying, “So may the gods do to me and more also, if I do not make your life as the life of one of them by this time tomorrow.” Then he was afraid, and he arose and ran for his life and came to Beersheba, which belongs to Judah, and left his servant there.
But he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he asked that he might die, saying, “It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.” And he lay down and slept under a broom tree. And behold, an angel touched him and said to him, “Arise and eat.” And he looked, and behold, there was at his head a cake baked on hot stones and a jar of water. And he ate and drank and lay down again. And the angel of theLord came again a second time and touched him and said, “Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you.” And he arose and ate and drank, and went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights to Horeb, the mount of God.
There he came to a cave and lodged in it. And behold, the word of theLord came to him, and he said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”He said, “I have been very jealous for the Lord, the God of hosts. For the people of Israel have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword, and I, even I only, am left, and they seek my life, to take it away.” And he said, “Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord.” And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before theLord, but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper. And when Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. And behold,there came a voice to him and said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” He said, “I have been very jealous for the Lord, the God of hosts. For the people of Israel have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword, and I, even I only, am left, and they seek my life, to take it away.” And the Lord said to him, “Go, return on your way to the wilderness of Damascus. And when you arrive, you shall anoint Hazael to be king over Syria. And Jehu the son of Nimshi you shall anoint to be king over Israel, and Elisha the son of Shaphat of Abel-meholah you shall anoint to be prophet in your place. And the one who escapes from the sword of Hazael shall Jehu put to death, and the one who escapes from the sword of Jehu shall Elisha put to death. Yet I will leave seven thousand in Israel, all the knees that have not bowed to Baal, and every mouth that has not kissed him.” 1 Kings 19:1-18
Elijah had been provided every proof that God indeed was who He said He was, that He was strong to save and indeed provided for His people. And yet, when he came upon hardship, he fell to the ground and asked God to take away his life.
Life is full of suffering. Suffering cuts you to the very core of your being and threatens to destroy you. And in my children, when they are on the floor thrashing and crying and screaming, I sometimes see Elijah. I see Job. I see Jonah. I see David. I see Peter. Throughout all of time humans have fallen victim to their weak flesh, to their sorrow, to the fallen flesh that threatens to consume us.
And friends, sisters, IT IS GRIEVOUS! For goodness' sake, let the children grieve! I myself must grieve or I will surely become hardened and rebellious! I must grieve or that grief will go somewhere, and I'm guessing the result would be much less constructive than tears and thrashing.
For you to not let your children grieve whatever is causing them hardship is not only cruel but it denies the truth, that we are victims of a life turned hellish. That sin constantly devours us and our made-in-Christ's image body. Sin SHOULD make us mad, it SHOULD cause us to grieve, IT IS HARD. And rather than discipline it out of my children and send the LIE that self control and self image to others is how they gain righteousness, instead I want to grieve sin with them and build them up in Christ.
Here's how a tantrum goes in our house.
When I come upon a child that is thrashing, screaming, wailing, etc, I drop to my knees and calmly and quietly say "Stop crying." I wait a few seconds to assess what is happening and if the child cannot control the wailing I pick the child up and take them to my bed and say, "You cry here where you are safe and I will be back in a moment." I let the child scream it all out while I'm finishing whatever it was I was working on. Then when I hear that the room is quiet I go in and sit on the bed. "I'm glad to see you have calmed down a bit, can you tell me what was wrong?"
Here is the critical part. Either the child is lamenting something or the child has sinned and is angry. If the child has sinned we talk about the sin, why it is wrong according to God's Word and how it has broken not only God's law, but our home's law. We talk about how the child could have responded to what happened, and how in order to remind the child about sin's consequence we have to discipline him. Then the child apologizes to whomever he wronged and the child is absolved.
However, if the child is simply lamenting life, so and so won't let me play with the toy I want, I'm hungry, I'm tried, etc etc, then I lament with them. "I'm so sorry you can't play with the toy you want. It's hard and sad sometimes when life does not go our way." I rock the child, hug them, and remind them that when life is hard they can come to me before they get upset and I will help them. Then usually they need food. With boys it's always about food. *smile* It is not a sin to be sad. It is not a sin to scream and cry and grieve. It is not even a sin to want something, even if as a parent we think what the child wants is selfish or ridiculous. God Himself tells us to bring ALL of our requests to Him, and that He gladly hears them, even if we come with tears and sobbing.
Parents, do not let your piety exceed the piety of our Heavenly Father. It pleases Him greatly to have mercy on those who fear Him, on those who call on His name, on those who have been filled with the Holy Spirit from Baptism and His Word. Your children are such. They are not heathen, they are vessels of the Holy Spirit. Your discipline does not produce piety, the Holy Spirit does that. Discipline has its place, which is to turn a rebellious heart away from sin, but there's a reason only one book of the Bible talks about the rod of discipline, yes, it is a tool, but far more is the tool of mercy, of understanding, of providence even when the child does not seem to deserve it, as we ourselves know we do not. You must determine whether your child is truly rebelling, truly stuck in sin, or whether your child is grieving. And whenever a man is grieving or confused or just plain stupid, God always deals tenderly with those who are His.
May we all be filled with the Holy Spirit to help us continue on in this noble work. May Christ give us every wisdom for turning our children's hearts to Him.
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