Pain and loss, disease and war, none of these are laughing matters. None of these things are creations of our Lord, none of them exist in creation as He intended.
So, today, as I see the headlines of America going crazy on "black Friday", my heart may be sad for the brokenness, but it is not afraid. To fear something means there is uncertainty in our outcome. But these are but birth pains, and all things are under the power of our Lord Jesus Christ. The mess is not a creation of our Lord Jesus, but all of creation is subject to Him, thanks be to God. So, there is no fear, because we are His.
Therefore, sometimes it helps to just turn off the news, put down the phones, and go build legos with the boys, or put your hands to something beautiful. He is coming soon. Amen, come Lord Jesus.
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Friday, November 27, 2015
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Get that ball rolling
In late spring the kids and I tagged along with Daddy to his pastor's conference. We love going along because it's a small free vacation, albeit without Daddy because he's in conference all day. The kids and I enjoy relaxing in the hotel and sometimes exploring local museums or kid centers. This hotel happened to have an indoor pool with floor to ceiling windows all along one wall that looked into the hallway directly outside the room where the pastors were all having the presentations. They often left the doors open into the hallway so that as I sat watching the kids (and holding my five month old), I could also peek into the conference room. And, when Daddy had breaks, he could wave into the pool and come in to see how we were.
It was during one of these breaks that he told me he was sitting next to one of his classmates from his DMin program at the seminary. This classmate happened to be deliberating a call, two actually (three if you count his then current call). One of them was to overseas missions. My husband was completely engrossed in this conversation and in hearing every detail of this classmate's application process and then contemplation. His classmate happened to be really struggling with his overseas call because he had gone through the months-long application process and, after all of that, how does one then turn down the call even if it is not right? But, as Adam talked about his friend's struggle, my husband was strangely excitable. I was too busy tending to 5 kids in a hotel to pay much attention so I listened to him go on about missions the entire conference, it was a fun break from normal kid conversation, to talk about adventures unknown while out of town.
We went home and life returned to normal, or so I thought, but that week is what I look back on as starting the ball rolling on this crazy adventure we've been on since that week in early spring. (Though, if I'm being honest, a lot longer than that because of all the people that had approached my husband about this over the past three to four years.)
Fast forward 7 months and my husband is currently deliberating a call to Africa. I won't give specifics here because this is a public blog, but this is an adventure I never in a million years would have ever, and I mean EVER, pegged for myself.
This call is the hardest thing we have ever had to decide. It is downright heart wrenching to think of leaving our church, and the members have reciprocated the same feelings during this time of contemplation. And yet, we cannot ignore the ways God has worked during these months of talks with regional missions directors and the work God is doing in foreign lands. I see the gifts and talents my husband has, and I look at his two calls, and I find myself thinking I wish we could do two things at once!
We have been deliberating his two calls (the one we currently serve and the one overseas) for a little over a month already. Missions is being very patient with us and we have another two and a half weeks before we have to give our decision. We are hoping to have an answer before that because this deliberating stuff is like waiting to go into labor while 40 weeks...or..maybe it's like being STUCK in labor!! It needs to end. Will we continue to live our lives here in a beautiful city in America where life makes sense and we have more blessings than we could ever thank God enough for, or will we embark on the journey of a lifetime to perils unknown...with our 5 boys in tow? Lord have mercy and guide us!
It was during one of these breaks that he told me he was sitting next to one of his classmates from his DMin program at the seminary. This classmate happened to be deliberating a call, two actually (three if you count his then current call). One of them was to overseas missions. My husband was completely engrossed in this conversation and in hearing every detail of this classmate's application process and then contemplation. His classmate happened to be really struggling with his overseas call because he had gone through the months-long application process and, after all of that, how does one then turn down the call even if it is not right? But, as Adam talked about his friend's struggle, my husband was strangely excitable. I was too busy tending to 5 kids in a hotel to pay much attention so I listened to him go on about missions the entire conference, it was a fun break from normal kid conversation, to talk about adventures unknown while out of town.
We went home and life returned to normal, or so I thought, but that week is what I look back on as starting the ball rolling on this crazy adventure we've been on since that week in early spring. (Though, if I'm being honest, a lot longer than that because of all the people that had approached my husband about this over the past three to four years.)
Fast forward 7 months and my husband is currently deliberating a call to Africa. I won't give specifics here because this is a public blog, but this is an adventure I never in a million years would have ever, and I mean EVER, pegged for myself.
This call is the hardest thing we have ever had to decide. It is downright heart wrenching to think of leaving our church, and the members have reciprocated the same feelings during this time of contemplation. And yet, we cannot ignore the ways God has worked during these months of talks with regional missions directors and the work God is doing in foreign lands. I see the gifts and talents my husband has, and I look at his two calls, and I find myself thinking I wish we could do two things at once!
We have been deliberating his two calls (the one we currently serve and the one overseas) for a little over a month already. Missions is being very patient with us and we have another two and a half weeks before we have to give our decision. We are hoping to have an answer before that because this deliberating stuff is like waiting to go into labor while 40 weeks...or..maybe it's like being STUCK in labor!! It needs to end. Will we continue to live our lives here in a beautiful city in America where life makes sense and we have more blessings than we could ever thank God enough for, or will we embark on the journey of a lifetime to perils unknown...with our 5 boys in tow? Lord have mercy and guide us!
Saturday, November 21, 2015
Curve ball
I had no idea what to name this post. I've been wanting to share why I left this blog for awhile but could not until a few weeks ago, and then I was not ready. I started to name this post "a year of growth" because that certainly defines what we have been through, but during these weeks of deliberation, it feels much more dramatic than that, the Lord threw us a curve ball we never expected.
Anyone who has read this blog long enough knows that after having four beautiful boys (and one child in heaven) in 6 years and living in five states, my husband and I were blessed with another child and lost her early in the second trimester. That began a year of losses, five in all, before the Lord blessed us again and we had a beautiful fifth son. Our fifth son was born October 30 of '14 and we rang in the new year enjoying our family and settling in to our new normal. Life felt good, my husband and I were both finally in our 30's and out of the "tumultuous 20s", and we started the new year off right by taking a Dave Ramsey Financial Freedom seminar.
Dave Ramsey changed our lives. For our first 10 years of marriage we thought we had a grip on finances. We used credit cards "responsibly", lived within our means, and put extra towards debt to get it paid down faster. And yet, we were ALWAYS IN DEBT. Every year we knew by July we would be sunk in credit card debt. Our tax return the following year was always to bail us out again before we began the march towards stacking up even more debt. See, we THOUGHT we used credit cards responsibly, but since we didn't have an emergency fund, we were always sunk in debt at the slightest unexpected expense. Dave Ramsey changed that. We had been avoiding him like the plague because we were worried about things we had heard. Dave Ramsey would never let us buy anything ever again and we would have to live like poor people. Except that wasn't true. And now for the first time in our lives we not only have the freedom to spend, but we have not had one ounce of credit card debt all year long. To top it off, we have an emergency fund with more savings than we ever knew possible.
So, we began the year feeling the glorious freedom that comes from a plan that WORKS to get rid of debt once and for all. We were feeling like adults, settling in for that stage in parenting that flows between family play time, school lessons, church, and meals around the table. These are the good years right? And then came our curve ball...
Anyone who has read this blog long enough knows that after having four beautiful boys (and one child in heaven) in 6 years and living in five states, my husband and I were blessed with another child and lost her early in the second trimester. That began a year of losses, five in all, before the Lord blessed us again and we had a beautiful fifth son. Our fifth son was born October 30 of '14 and we rang in the new year enjoying our family and settling in to our new normal. Life felt good, my husband and I were both finally in our 30's and out of the "tumultuous 20s", and we started the new year off right by taking a Dave Ramsey Financial Freedom seminar.
Dave Ramsey changed our lives. For our first 10 years of marriage we thought we had a grip on finances. We used credit cards "responsibly", lived within our means, and put extra towards debt to get it paid down faster. And yet, we were ALWAYS IN DEBT. Every year we knew by July we would be sunk in credit card debt. Our tax return the following year was always to bail us out again before we began the march towards stacking up even more debt. See, we THOUGHT we used credit cards responsibly, but since we didn't have an emergency fund, we were always sunk in debt at the slightest unexpected expense. Dave Ramsey changed that. We had been avoiding him like the plague because we were worried about things we had heard. Dave Ramsey would never let us buy anything ever again and we would have to live like poor people. Except that wasn't true. And now for the first time in our lives we not only have the freedom to spend, but we have not had one ounce of credit card debt all year long. To top it off, we have an emergency fund with more savings than we ever knew possible.
So, we began the year feeling the glorious freedom that comes from a plan that WORKS to get rid of debt once and for all. We were feeling like adults, settling in for that stage in parenting that flows between family play time, school lessons, church, and meals around the table. These are the good years right? And then came our curve ball...
Monday, January 19, 2015
January
We've been in the swing of things around here since I was two weeks postpartum and returned to full time babysitting. With lil miss here we have to be on a routine so that I'm not trying to nurse my baby, bottle feed her, and feed my four big boys all at once. It's nice.
Lil baby is about to be 3 months old in 11 days. He's a fantastic baby. He's slept through the night since the night he was born. Seriously. Now, my definition of sleep through the night is 10-4. Pretty good no? There has not been one night that he has not had that routine. OK, sometimes he wakes at 3:30 instead of 4. :) Then he goes back to sleep until between 6:45-8.
When he's not sleeping he's happy. He likes to just lay in his rocker or swing and just watch the chaos. There's always a brother talking to him or trying to carry him around. He nurses well and is growing fast.
So, I'm not sure if it's something having to due with January (bored from not being able to go outside? Feeling cooped up?) but I've been on a huge purge spurt. Maybe it's a postpartum thing. Regardless, I'm going room by room, digging in dark corners, cabinets, drawers, etc etc and purging. It feels SO GOOD to take bags and bags of stuff to Goodwill and to the trash. I want to take a complete inventory of every single thing in the house (no, not written, just mental) so that "every item has a place, and everything is in its place". That is so important to me.
These days the minimalist lifestyle is huge. You can't scroll through Facebook without seeing ads for the "tiny house" or the recycled "shipping container house". The funny thing is how grand they try to make them look on the inside, because even if we're living in a shipping container we want to feel rich and spoiled. But, I read THIS fantastic article on why the minimalist lifestyle is a TERRIBLE idea for a large family. I was so relieved to have words for the uncomfortable feeling I had whenever I was tempted to "go minimalist". The thing is, as responsible and frugal parents, we can't afford to just run to Goodwill for an appliance and then donate it right afterwards. People try the "own 100 things" challenge, but what they don't tell you is they are constantly paying for things they use once and then get rid of.
So while minimalism will never have its place in our 7 member family due to finances alone, I do insist that if an item does not have a place, it shouldn't be here.
So, we're cleaning, purging, reorganizing, and really enjoying a much cleaner house. The work is never done. By the time I get through the whole house it will be time to start right over again. But, if my work were ever done, I would have no vocation. Work is constant and that is good, it is good to set our hands to work, it keeps us humble and repenting as we fight against the dirt, decay, dust, and broken things in our lives. It reminds us every second of why we need Jesus.
On that note, it's bed time. Christ keep you.
Lil baby is about to be 3 months old in 11 days. He's a fantastic baby. He's slept through the night since the night he was born. Seriously. Now, my definition of sleep through the night is 10-4. Pretty good no? There has not been one night that he has not had that routine. OK, sometimes he wakes at 3:30 instead of 4. :) Then he goes back to sleep until between 6:45-8.
When he's not sleeping he's happy. He likes to just lay in his rocker or swing and just watch the chaos. There's always a brother talking to him or trying to carry him around. He nurses well and is growing fast.
So, I'm not sure if it's something having to due with January (bored from not being able to go outside? Feeling cooped up?) but I've been on a huge purge spurt. Maybe it's a postpartum thing. Regardless, I'm going room by room, digging in dark corners, cabinets, drawers, etc etc and purging. It feels SO GOOD to take bags and bags of stuff to Goodwill and to the trash. I want to take a complete inventory of every single thing in the house (no, not written, just mental) so that "every item has a place, and everything is in its place". That is so important to me.
These days the minimalist lifestyle is huge. You can't scroll through Facebook without seeing ads for the "tiny house" or the recycled "shipping container house". The funny thing is how grand they try to make them look on the inside, because even if we're living in a shipping container we want to feel rich and spoiled. But, I read THIS fantastic article on why the minimalist lifestyle is a TERRIBLE idea for a large family. I was so relieved to have words for the uncomfortable feeling I had whenever I was tempted to "go minimalist". The thing is, as responsible and frugal parents, we can't afford to just run to Goodwill for an appliance and then donate it right afterwards. People try the "own 100 things" challenge, but what they don't tell you is they are constantly paying for things they use once and then get rid of.
So while minimalism will never have its place in our 7 member family due to finances alone, I do insist that if an item does not have a place, it shouldn't be here.
So, we're cleaning, purging, reorganizing, and really enjoying a much cleaner house. The work is never done. By the time I get through the whole house it will be time to start right over again. But, if my work were ever done, I would have no vocation. Work is constant and that is good, it is good to set our hands to work, it keeps us humble and repenting as we fight against the dirt, decay, dust, and broken things in our lives. It reminds us every second of why we need Jesus.
On that note, it's bed time. Christ keep you.
Friday, December 5, 2014
In a Pinterest world
A couple weeks ago I officially joined Pinterest. At least I think I did. As soon as I was done putting in my information and received an email that said something about "congratulations" on joining, well, duty called. My newborn woke up as he blasted breastmilk poop up his back and began squalling the most pathetic cry. I can tell he's the baby of the family right now because he has the "feel sorry for me" cry mastered.
I have not been on Pinterest since. I am sure it is amazing and I am sure it is super helpful and I am even sure it would revolutionize my world. Pinterest would probably solve all my mommy problems, make me the envy of my friends, and make me sparkle and shine.
But the thing is, I am too tired for that. Nor do I have any desire to sparkle. And honestly, this little glowing journal is about the only place I desire to be online these days. It is my little haven in the darkness.
At 3:30 this morning the tiny person who shares our bed decided it was a good time to spray me with breastmilk. It ran down my chest, into my v-neck shirt, and into my sleeping bra where it puddled in all it's warm sliminess. I cringed and reached for the cold wipes to clean myself up while I picked up the baby with the other hand to comfort him and clean him up. I put him on my shoulder to burp him and the hand that was supporting his bottom felt a wet warmth. I slowly took my hand away, almost afraid to look, and there was a smear of yellow on my hand. I bit my lip, which lately has become raw from all the chewing, and grabbed a diaper and a change of baby clothes. Two diaper changes, 45 minutes of nursing, and three outfit changes later (one for him, two for me), we finally slipped back to sleep.
The greatest part was, I didn't cry from exhaustion and was somehow even able to smile and talk sweetly to my little man as I took care of his needs. I am needed. And he is super cute.
One day my 8 year old son asked me, "Mama? What is the meaning of life? I mean, if we can't stop sinning and be perfect, why does God leave us here instead of just taking us home where we can be perfect and live with Him?"
First I laughed inwardly that my little child could not realize the question he asked probably has more books written on the topic than any other subject and is debated more heavily than perhaps even politics, then I responded simply, "The meaning of life is love. God wants to make us rich in service, rich in our vocation, because when we are rich in service we know love and we know Him because He is love."
"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us."
(1 John 4:7-12 ESV)
I have 4 little boys that I am homeschooling and their newborn brother, 1 little baby girl that I watch full time for her working Mama, and 1 giant dog that is nearly as tall as my husband. He really is more of a horse. And he is an indoor dog. And lately I am a lot more careful about going out in public. I suppose I am something of a spectacle. I understand this and I understand the frequent comment, "Do you know what causes that?". Kids are an insult to our sparkly, dignified, and intense need for a perfectly fake persona. Why do we try so hard to fool ourselves? I suppose it goes back to my 8 year old's question. "What is the meaning of life?"
Look, I don't have kids because it makes me sparkly or because it's fun or because then I can impress you with my Pinterest mothering skills. I understand that we will make you uncomfortable as I walk through the store and perhaps have not showered and my kids are wearing their unmatched outfits they picked out themselves because I was too busy cleaning up the kitchen and running loads of laundry. I am sure it will be a huge inconvenience to your shopping experience if one of the babies starts screaming and I have to scold the toddler or chastise the school age children. I do not have it all together, my kids are real kids with real emotions, I am a real person with real emotions, and I know you are probably thinking that if I just knew what caused this I might stop it already so that I can put myself together more and stop embarrassing myself.
In 9 years I have been pregnant 11 times. Six of those 11 times I have hidden away in my bathroom to shed my blood as my babies went home to the Lord (which also insulted plenty of people). The other five for now are mine. But I cannot stop it. I cannot stop procreation because it is not I who put them there. The Lord has called me to marriage and therefore to a one flesh union in marriage and as a result I receive the fruits of that marriage as He desires to give or not give them. A + B = C. It is God Who calls and God Who gives.
Every day I am rich. I am rich in opportunity to serve and to love. I am rich in my vocation. I go to bed exhausted from head to toe, I have more jobs than I can accomplish in a day...or a week, and I am needed. And in my kids' need for me I am reminded of my need for Christ. When I am frustrated, overwhelmed, alone, and haven't even had opportunity to think of myself in hours or even days, I think on Christ who came to earth without my asking or even knowing that I needed Him in order that He might die, for me, and for all.
My kids need me because they are weak, helpless, often dumb or at least ignorant, and rebellious to anything that is good for them. They choose the worst possible moments to misbehave, act foolish, get sick, and make me face sin in front of everyone I wish I could impress. But, instead, I am left facing my own complete lack of control over not only their sin, but mine. I am left completely broken. But there's a certain freedom in being broken. When you have no one left to impress (and know you never can anyways), all that is left is to live to die to my own desires, to my own selfish ambitions, and to my own desire to be applauded and, by the power of the Holy Spirit, be raised up to serve in His love, mercy, and grace while we wait for His return. Come Soon, Lord Jesus.
I have not been on Pinterest since. I am sure it is amazing and I am sure it is super helpful and I am even sure it would revolutionize my world. Pinterest would probably solve all my mommy problems, make me the envy of my friends, and make me sparkle and shine.
But the thing is, I am too tired for that. Nor do I have any desire to sparkle. And honestly, this little glowing journal is about the only place I desire to be online these days. It is my little haven in the darkness.
At 3:30 this morning the tiny person who shares our bed decided it was a good time to spray me with breastmilk. It ran down my chest, into my v-neck shirt, and into my sleeping bra where it puddled in all it's warm sliminess. I cringed and reached for the cold wipes to clean myself up while I picked up the baby with the other hand to comfort him and clean him up. I put him on my shoulder to burp him and the hand that was supporting his bottom felt a wet warmth. I slowly took my hand away, almost afraid to look, and there was a smear of yellow on my hand. I bit my lip, which lately has become raw from all the chewing, and grabbed a diaper and a change of baby clothes. Two diaper changes, 45 minutes of nursing, and three outfit changes later (one for him, two for me), we finally slipped back to sleep.
The greatest part was, I didn't cry from exhaustion and was somehow even able to smile and talk sweetly to my little man as I took care of his needs. I am needed. And he is super cute.
One day my 8 year old son asked me, "Mama? What is the meaning of life? I mean, if we can't stop sinning and be perfect, why does God leave us here instead of just taking us home where we can be perfect and live with Him?"
First I laughed inwardly that my little child could not realize the question he asked probably has more books written on the topic than any other subject and is debated more heavily than perhaps even politics, then I responded simply, "The meaning of life is love. God wants to make us rich in service, rich in our vocation, because when we are rich in service we know love and we know Him because He is love."
"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us."
(1 John 4:7-12 ESV)
I have 4 little boys that I am homeschooling and their newborn brother, 1 little baby girl that I watch full time for her working Mama, and 1 giant dog that is nearly as tall as my husband. He really is more of a horse. And he is an indoor dog. And lately I am a lot more careful about going out in public. I suppose I am something of a spectacle. I understand this and I understand the frequent comment, "Do you know what causes that?". Kids are an insult to our sparkly, dignified, and intense need for a perfectly fake persona. Why do we try so hard to fool ourselves? I suppose it goes back to my 8 year old's question. "What is the meaning of life?"
Look, I don't have kids because it makes me sparkly or because it's fun or because then I can impress you with my Pinterest mothering skills. I understand that we will make you uncomfortable as I walk through the store and perhaps have not showered and my kids are wearing their unmatched outfits they picked out themselves because I was too busy cleaning up the kitchen and running loads of laundry. I am sure it will be a huge inconvenience to your shopping experience if one of the babies starts screaming and I have to scold the toddler or chastise the school age children. I do not have it all together, my kids are real kids with real emotions, I am a real person with real emotions, and I know you are probably thinking that if I just knew what caused this I might stop it already so that I can put myself together more and stop embarrassing myself.
In 9 years I have been pregnant 11 times. Six of those 11 times I have hidden away in my bathroom to shed my blood as my babies went home to the Lord (which also insulted plenty of people). The other five for now are mine. But I cannot stop it. I cannot stop procreation because it is not I who put them there. The Lord has called me to marriage and therefore to a one flesh union in marriage and as a result I receive the fruits of that marriage as He desires to give or not give them. A + B = C. It is God Who calls and God Who gives.
Every day I am rich. I am rich in opportunity to serve and to love. I am rich in my vocation. I go to bed exhausted from head to toe, I have more jobs than I can accomplish in a day...or a week, and I am needed. And in my kids' need for me I am reminded of my need for Christ. When I am frustrated, overwhelmed, alone, and haven't even had opportunity to think of myself in hours or even days, I think on Christ who came to earth without my asking or even knowing that I needed Him in order that He might die, for me, and for all.
My kids need me because they are weak, helpless, often dumb or at least ignorant, and rebellious to anything that is good for them. They choose the worst possible moments to misbehave, act foolish, get sick, and make me face sin in front of everyone I wish I could impress. But, instead, I am left facing my own complete lack of control over not only their sin, but mine. I am left completely broken. But there's a certain freedom in being broken. When you have no one left to impress (and know you never can anyways), all that is left is to live to die to my own desires, to my own selfish ambitions, and to my own desire to be applauded and, by the power of the Holy Spirit, be raised up to serve in His love, mercy, and grace while we wait for His return. Come Soon, Lord Jesus.
Monday, November 17, 2014
Conclusion: The Birth and Why I Jumped Ship on Home Birth
I have to admit, I've been avoiding this place the past couple days. The story was easy to tell. There's something about a story that makes it easy to separate yourself from and feel like a reporter instead. I love simply restating the events in order to remember how it all went down later.
But in the quiet moments that have happened since arriving home: when the baby is asleep, the kids are all down, and my husband is snoring next to me, then I have sat staring at my baby's perfect tiny face and my thoughts have surfaced. I cheated.
I can hear the collective moan across cyber space and I can imagine the comments now. No one wants to hear they cheated. Imagine telling a woman with hyperemesis that she "cheated" to take medication to control her vomiting. Imagine telling a woman who has her baby at home that it's cheating to give birth in the water. Imagine telling a man plowing the field that it's cheating to use modern farm equipment or that it's cheating to ride to work in a vehicle. Cheating the curse.
I cheated the curse.
But....what curse?
"For all who rely on works of the law are under a curse; for it is written, “Cursed be everyone who does not abide by all things written in the Book of the Law, and do them.” Now it is evident that no one is justified before God by the law, for “The righteous shall live by faith.” But the law is not of faith, rather “The one who does them shall live by them.” Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us—for it is written, “Cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree”—so that in Christ Jesus the blessing of Abraham might come to the Gentiles, so that we might receive the promised Spirit through faith." (Galatians 3:10-14 ESV)
“Whenever the devil harasses you, seek the company of men or drink more, or joke and talk nonsense, or do some other merry thing. Sometimes we must drink more, sport, recreate ourselves, and even sin a little to spite the devil, so that we leave him no place for troubling our consciences with trifles. We are conquered if we try too conscientiously not to sin at all. So when the devil says to you: do not drink, answer him: I will drink, and right freely, just because you tell me not to.”
― Martin Luther
But in the quiet moments that have happened since arriving home: when the baby is asleep, the kids are all down, and my husband is snoring next to me, then I have sat staring at my baby's perfect tiny face and my thoughts have surfaced. I cheated.
I can hear the collective moan across cyber space and I can imagine the comments now. No one wants to hear they cheated. Imagine telling a woman with hyperemesis that she "cheated" to take medication to control her vomiting. Imagine telling a woman who has her baby at home that it's cheating to give birth in the water. Imagine telling a man plowing the field that it's cheating to use modern farm equipment or that it's cheating to ride to work in a vehicle. Cheating the curse.
I cheated the curse.
But....what curse?
"For all who rely on works of the law are under a curse; for it is written, “Cursed be everyone who does not abide by all things written in the Book of the Law, and do them.” Now it is evident that no one is justified before God by the law, for “The righteous shall live by faith.” But the law is not of faith, rather “The one who does them shall live by them.” Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us—for it is written, “Cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree”—so that in Christ Jesus the blessing of Abraham might come to the Gentiles, so that we might receive the promised Spirit through faith." (Galatians 3:10-14 ESV)
Cursed be anyone who relies on the works of the law! Shall I bear my own curse? Shall I convince myself that if I birth alone in pain at home that my birth is somehow more pious and more worthy than a woman who has every pain medication the world can provide? Lord have mercy on those of us who are so trapped in the works of the law in our own mind.
"Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us."!!! Christ has come, Christ has risen! Christ will come again!
I have to admit, I have walked around the past two weeks so free from post birth emotional trauma that I have actually FORGOTTEN that I gave birth and caught myself still mentally coaching myself on my upcoming birth! Several times in the past two weeks I have gone to take a hot bath to relieve some of the post birth aches and while relaxing deeply in the tub have begun to think on my upcoming birth! I have to laugh each time, out loud, that I could actually forget I have given birth. But I have been trying so very hard to prepare for the birth knowing I was going to have to get through a natural childbirth at home again that it's hard to just turn that off. My birth supplies are still here, untouched. It's weird! So, we finally packed them up and put them in the basement to await the future.
So, will I ever go back?
I am so glad I do not have to answer that today. With my fourth child I was determined from about the half way point of pregnancy to rock childbirth. I needed it. I craved it. I was like a running addict looking at my next marathon. And one that was not only determined to run, but to win. Maybe that will happen again and I'll be crazy enough to have another home birth. (smile and wink) And I have to admit, the one regret I have is that my children were not with me. The only two home births I have had (my other two were born out of hospital but in other locations than my home) were my first and my third which ended with a near death experience for me and a hospital stay. So, nostalgically, I ached for a "beautiful" home birth in which my kids could gather around me to see their sibling born and we could all revel in the peace and warmth of our home afterwards.
I shared this with my eldest son when I returned home from the hospital. He is the one we label as being gifted in the area of "human care and compassion". Extremely gifted. So I shared this with him and he gave me a half smile that was also mixed with a measure of little boy grossed-outedness, and he said, "Um, that's OK mom, I didn't really want to hear you yell anyways." I had to laugh out loud. And he's right. For all that mama tries to romanticize it, birth is loud, it's messy, and mama doesn't really want her other kids around her once the baby is out anyways. At least not for more than 5 minutes.
I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if the Lord will bless us with anymore children or if He does, if they will be children that are given to live here or not. I am thankful that this birth resulted in an amazing relationship with my family practice Dr., who aided me in delivering my son, and that she is here to guide me and help me as we navigate what happened at the end of this pregnancy and how that could affect me and any pregnancy in the future. We don't know if the platelet thing is something I have always had, since I never had those drawn in any previous pregnancies, and if it might explain my bleeding troubles. We also don't know if it's something that will get worse with each pregnancy and if it's something that my levels will get lower faster each time. These are things we will know in time and they will help us make wise decisions.
I do know that I have never felt so at peace post birth, that I have never felt quite this calm and happy. I have jokingly called the epidural I received my "Gospel epidural".
And I think that's what it all boils down to...why are you making the choice you are making? Is it because it's really what works for you, what you like, and what is best for you or is it because it is earning you righteousness in your own made up laws? When it becomes a matter of pride, something you feel you HAVE to do, are we not joining the ranks of the pharisees?
I had a hospital birth. I got an epidural. I had a catheter, IV antibiotics, continuous fetal monitoring, tons and tons of IV fluids, and I don't think I have ever laughed so much during labor ever. And that reminds me of one of the most beautiful quotes I have heard in a long time:
― Martin Luther
We must cling to law where law really exists, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and love your neighbor as yourself." Though the Christian knows that this law really turns back around to Christ who is the One responsible for granting us the faith with which to accomplish this! And so when we feel burdened, harassed, and weighed down beyond our strength and ability, well, it's time for an epidural. God be praised.
Monday, November 3, 2014
Oh Give Thanks Unto the Lord For He is Good!
I suppose I should start with a birth announcement. *big smile* Our fifth child was born on Thursday October 30th at 5:07pm. And.....IT'S A BOY!!! We are the proud parents of FIVE little cowboys. He weighed in at 7 lbs 1 oz and was 19 inches long.
The story of his birth is somewhat exhausting to try and write up right now as it was full of the strange and unexpected but I promise to share it soon. But the thing that rings out in my heart is the verse above. Though so many times the week of our son's birth I was certain things were about to spiral out of control into places I did not want to go, the Lord, in His tender mercy, instead led me beside still waters, quieted my soul, and brought me safely to the other side with the most beautiful baby boy in the world.
I can't share his name here, if you know me personally feel free to email me, but his first name means "God has comforted." and his middle name means "God has helped." I think that pretty nicely sums up our journey of the past year and a half. :)
The story of his birth is somewhat exhausting to try and write up right now as it was full of the strange and unexpected but I promise to share it soon. But the thing that rings out in my heart is the verse above. Though so many times the week of our son's birth I was certain things were about to spiral out of control into places I did not want to go, the Lord, in His tender mercy, instead led me beside still waters, quieted my soul, and brought me safely to the other side with the most beautiful baby boy in the world.
I can't share his name here, if you know me personally feel free to email me, but his first name means "God has comforted." and his middle name means "God has helped." I think that pretty nicely sums up our journey of the past year and a half. :)
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Faith
For the past couple of weeks I have been pondering faith, its source, and the result when faith has its way with our hearts.
We know from all of the Scripture passages on faith that faith is given not conjured up of ourselves. It is impossible to create except by God alone because it is knowledge of Him, which comes only from Him. We also know that for those IN the faith, grace abounds, even as we literally die and drown every day in our sinful filth through confession and are raised in our Baptism to continue on in love and acts of service.
In light of this I think of parenting my little boys. And the question comes to mind, is the way I parent in line with what we believe about salvation? Does my parenting express that it is the Lord that has saved them and granted faith or that they themselves... Or I myself.. Somehow must work it out?
Unfortunately I think it's so easy to forget and to cling desperately to our own works. For me it plays out when I get angry over their sin and yell and berate them. I tell myself what I'm doing is justified, they deserve it, and it's even good because I must show them their sin and force them into repentance and faith. Surely if I use enough words and reprimand them enough they will turn to God and good works. I get so angry, they so often don't respond the way I want, and then, oh why do I feel so deflated and alone afterwards?
I will never be able to turn them to Christ. Christ alone can do that. I CAN set up rules, enforce them with loving authority, and with calm dignity discipline for disobedience to God's Word. But I have no right to become emotional or angry. I might say, "Oh yes I do! I'm angry because I'm zealous for God!" God does not need you to be zealous for Him. He alone has the right to be angry over sin. We ourselves are just as guilty as our children and their sin should be cause for further repentance on our part.
So we discipline, we repent ourselves, and we keep on in desperate endurance as we await Christ's return. Come quickly Lord Jesus.
We know from all of the Scripture passages on faith that faith is given not conjured up of ourselves. It is impossible to create except by God alone because it is knowledge of Him, which comes only from Him. We also know that for those IN the faith, grace abounds, even as we literally die and drown every day in our sinful filth through confession and are raised in our Baptism to continue on in love and acts of service.
In light of this I think of parenting my little boys. And the question comes to mind, is the way I parent in line with what we believe about salvation? Does my parenting express that it is the Lord that has saved them and granted faith or that they themselves... Or I myself.. Somehow must work it out?
Unfortunately I think it's so easy to forget and to cling desperately to our own works. For me it plays out when I get angry over their sin and yell and berate them. I tell myself what I'm doing is justified, they deserve it, and it's even good because I must show them their sin and force them into repentance and faith. Surely if I use enough words and reprimand them enough they will turn to God and good works. I get so angry, they so often don't respond the way I want, and then, oh why do I feel so deflated and alone afterwards?
I will never be able to turn them to Christ. Christ alone can do that. I CAN set up rules, enforce them with loving authority, and with calm dignity discipline for disobedience to God's Word. But I have no right to become emotional or angry. I might say, "Oh yes I do! I'm angry because I'm zealous for God!" God does not need you to be zealous for Him. He alone has the right to be angry over sin. We ourselves are just as guilty as our children and their sin should be cause for further repentance on our part.
So we discipline, we repent ourselves, and we keep on in desperate endurance as we await Christ's return. Come quickly Lord Jesus.
Friday, September 26, 2014
10 years
O perfect Love, all human thought transcending,
Lowly we kneel in prayer before Thy throne,
That theirs may be the love which knows no ending,
Whom Thou forevermore dost join in one.
O perfect Life, be Thou their full assurance,
Of tender charity and steadfast faith,
Of patient hope and quiet, brave endurance,
With childlike trust that fears nor pain nor death.
Grant them the joy which brightens earthly sorrow;
Grant them the peace which calms all earthly strife,
And to life’s day the glorious unknown morrow
That dawns upon eternal love and life.
Hear us, O Father, gracious and forgiving,
Through Jesus Christ, Thy coeternal Word,
Who, with the Holy Ghost, by all things living
Now and to endless ages art adored.
O Perfect Love TLH #623
I'm not sure how it happened. I blinked. Well, I suppose moving 9 times in 10 years helped pass the time...and having 11 pregnancies...and three dogs and a bird...and having four awesome little boys in our first 7 years. But here my husband and I are, less than 3 months away from celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary.
Our wedding was beautiful and perfect. It was perfect because of who I was marrying, and, if I do say so myself, because it was the perfect Lutheran service with beautiful hymnody and preaching. There is no doubt in my mind that my husband was chosen for me from the moment God formed me in my mother's womb. I am his and he is mine. His love for me is never ending and the amount he sacrifices of his own desires to serve me and our children is apparent every single day. He lives to serve me and our children and I live to serve him. We both do this not with our own power but strengthened by the Holy Spirit, constantly fighting against our own sinful whims. But in everything we have the first and most powerful love of our Heavenly Father which is the whole point of marriage anyways: to exemplify and receive intimately Christ's love for His bride, the church.
By the time we celebrate our anniversary in December we will, God willing, have 5 children here with us and another child that is with us 5 days a week. We have a very active and huge puppy, a bird, and a house on over a half acre with two apple trees and a pear tree. Our home is over 100 years old and I love it, though it needs constant attention that seems to leave us with more of a damage control list than a home improvement list. My husband has been a pastor for five years now and is currently serving a congregation of great size, much larger than anything we ever imagined we would be blessed to serve. This of course means, well, he really should have three of himself, at least, just to do that job alone.
My husband is also blessed to be earning his doctorate right now. It's a four year program and he has just begun year two. It involves traveling for a week at a time three times a year for intensives on campus in addition to all the papers, reading, and work he must do while home performing his job to his church and family. He will be traveling again before our baby comes and I'm so thankful my mom is coming to help me make it through the week so that I don't die of exhaustion from trying to hold down the house with five kids and a very pregnant belly while home schooling our four children. Sometimes I feel like I need three of me too: one to cook all the meals and snacks and grocery shop and garden/can to keep four boys' tummies full, one to clean, organize, and manage a home and yard this large, and one to homeschool and love on the children. I feel like every day only one of those jobs is able to be done well, or all three only get done part way.
Earlier this week after a particularly hard day (it was the great clothes swap from spring/summer wardrobe to fall/winter wardrobe-and sizing each child up one-that involves repacking every piece of clothing for the boys' into bins in the basement and then pulling out the new sizes for all the boys while meticulously keeping track of exactly how many pairs of pants, shorts, long sleeve, short sleeve, pajamas, church outfits, and underwear each child can have in order to have room for their clothes in their shared bedroom) my husband and I got into bed and he was very stressed about work and school and home improvements and I was stressed about my inability to do all things well at home and we were both stressed about money and I thought to myself...this is it. This is that point in marriage where marriages either fall apart or intertwine even stronger like a well-weathered rope made nearly stronger from use and time.
I looked at my husband and he pulled out our Bible reading for the night and then we held hands to pray. His prayer was short and very simple...almost childlike. But it was that way on purpose because after a long day it's good to pray that way I think...and I've only heard him pray like that with me. When he was done we looked at each other and I laughed. I laughed at how simple it all really is, this life.
What Does the Lord Require?
6 “With what shall I come before the Lord,
and bow myself before God on high?
Shall I come before him with burnt offerings,
with calves a year old?
7 Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams,
with ten thousands of rivers of oil?
Shall I give my firstborn for my transgression,
the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?”
8 He has told you, O man, what is good;
and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
and to walk humbly with your God?" Micah 6:6-8 ESV
And that is why we can laugh. My husband and I, we are so rich. We are rich in our vocations. Just when we think we can't handle more, God gives us more: more to serve, more to love, more to die for each and every day. The sheer enormity of what my husband and I are responsible for on a day to day basis is downright terrifying some days. But then I laugh because it reminds me of a couple of times in high school when I would go to take a final exam that I could fail and still get an "A" in the class because my grade was high enough. Life is like that: the battle has already been won, the victory is ours, what does God require of you? To do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God.
And so we love. We will never, ever cross off our to do list. We will never have enough money or enough energy or enough patience or enough kindness or enough of anything. But we have Christ Jesus and He is enough. And so we get up each day, hold hands in prayer, and thank God that one thing we do have enough of is enough forgiveness from Jesus....and enough to keep us busy. :)
The night before my life began.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Trucking along.
I wrote the title to this post feeling pretty positive today but then had to laugh out loud. There is nothing organized, orderly, or emotionally stabilizing about home schooling 4 boys 8 and under and being pregnant with a baby while also watching an infant full time. There just isn't.
But somehow we keep trucking a long. I'm learning that less is more. I'm learning that we should have very few things that we order our day around in order to keep from getting so stressed out that I literally accomplish nothing and instead end up a huge crying mess.
So what do we order our days around? Breakfast, Bible/Catechism/Hymn time, Lunch, quiet time, Dinner, and Bible time with Daddy.
I've also embraced the fact that my oldest is now very capable of being independent in his lessons. He has a math book he is mostly capable of doing alone with short moments of guidance from me, he is interested in learning cursive so I bought him two workbooks that complement each other and he's working through those, and we're working through two different chapter books right now in addition to an audio book series he listens to every day and narrates to his dad when he gets home. We have multiple other things we pick up when we feel like it, social studies and science type books, but it's so nice to be able to, between all the above things we schedule our day around, say, "Hey, I see you're looking for something to do, go grab your math book and I'd like you to do three pages please."
We have a motto in our home, "We work before we play." My kids know that just like the daily household maintenance chores I ask them to do, school work is part of their whole duty of a child which means that it enables them to better serve their family, which is their current vocation. Of course, the typical amount of time they are asked to do anything from curriculum is very small right now because most of the day they are so full of questions of their own and are buried in our books, reference books, and having me look things up online for them. I am much more inclined to watch them hungrily devour knowledge they are pursuing on their own until they are of age where they will be working hard towards a goal that will enable them to pursue their new vocations as adults.
The hard part, for me, is not losing it in the chaos. There just is no perfect way to feel complete order and control when one is managing education, home, meals, outside of the home activities and friends, etc. So, I'm sticking with less is more for now and trying to enjoy these last 10 weeks (!!!!!!) of pregnancy and the baby kicking the daylights out of my ribs.
But somehow we keep trucking a long. I'm learning that less is more. I'm learning that we should have very few things that we order our day around in order to keep from getting so stressed out that I literally accomplish nothing and instead end up a huge crying mess.
So what do we order our days around? Breakfast, Bible/Catechism/Hymn time, Lunch, quiet time, Dinner, and Bible time with Daddy.
I've also embraced the fact that my oldest is now very capable of being independent in his lessons. He has a math book he is mostly capable of doing alone with short moments of guidance from me, he is interested in learning cursive so I bought him two workbooks that complement each other and he's working through those, and we're working through two different chapter books right now in addition to an audio book series he listens to every day and narrates to his dad when he gets home. We have multiple other things we pick up when we feel like it, social studies and science type books, but it's so nice to be able to, between all the above things we schedule our day around, say, "Hey, I see you're looking for something to do, go grab your math book and I'd like you to do three pages please."
We have a motto in our home, "We work before we play." My kids know that just like the daily household maintenance chores I ask them to do, school work is part of their whole duty of a child which means that it enables them to better serve their family, which is their current vocation. Of course, the typical amount of time they are asked to do anything from curriculum is very small right now because most of the day they are so full of questions of their own and are buried in our books, reference books, and having me look things up online for them. I am much more inclined to watch them hungrily devour knowledge they are pursuing on their own until they are of age where they will be working hard towards a goal that will enable them to pursue their new vocations as adults.
The hard part, for me, is not losing it in the chaos. There just is no perfect way to feel complete order and control when one is managing education, home, meals, outside of the home activities and friends, etc. So, I'm sticking with less is more for now and trying to enjoy these last 10 weeks (!!!!!!) of pregnancy and the baby kicking the daylights out of my ribs.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Homeschooling Real life style
It's 8:15 at night and it feels like 10...maybe 11. My neck hurts, my back hurts, and I can hardly keep my eyes open. Today was a good day. God has made me rich in my vocation. Notice I did not say it was a good day because anything particularly fun happened today or because I got to DO anything fun today, but it was good because what God ordains is always best. It was good because it was a day of love and service and God has given me so many ways to serve. Here is one day of many (today):
6:15am: 2 year old wakes up and begins calling to his three brothers in his room that he needs to go potty. I kick my husband and ask him to go help said 2 yr old so his brothers can sleep a little longer. He very graciously obliges and I fall back asleep.
7:05: get up, kiss children good morning, head down to basement to work out.
7:45: dart up the stairs, drink a glass of water, do strength training in the piano room with kids climbing on me and mimicking me.
8:00: kiss husband goodbye, open front door for drop off of baby we are watching full time.
8:05: put on educational show for kids, baby secure in bouncy seat with the kids in the living room, jump in shower.
8:20: Make bed, pray.
8:30: change baby's diaper, put her down for a nap, take kids into kitchen for Bible study. This is probably my favorite time of the day. All four boys gathered coloring supplies and sat down while I opened up to today's readings in the Treasury of Daily Prayer. I am so thankful for the Treasury because just like in Divine Service we get a daily Psalm, Old Testament, and Gospel/Epistle reading (so unlike DS we only get one, either Gospel or Epistle). Then there is a church Father Writing and we also know if there is a specific commemoration that day with an explanation of who the person was or what the commemoration is about.
Devotion time is one I have really struggled with. I grew up in the Baptist belt where one's "personal relationship" with Jesus was emphasized over and over and over. "Devotions" were all about "listening" to Jesus, trying to hear some personal message for you through His Word, some whispering in the wind meant just for you that day. It was all about feelings, emotions, metaphysical gobbledygook. I shake my head now that I ever felt so guilty and so pressured into thinking that was correct. I still fight that mentality today. For the longest time I have made my children sit with nothing to do during our entire 45 min of Bible study, questioning them repeatedly throughout to make sure they were PAYING ATTENTION. But lately I've realized that while there is nothing wrong with helping children learn to sit still, and training them for church on Sunday is good and well, perhaps there is no harm in letting them color and scribble quietly while we read...after all, if I truly believe God's Word does what it says, that it is Living and Active, sharper than any two edge sword, then is it really about them? No. It is not. So they colored. Between readings we pause and youngest to oldest they get to share what they heard, or nothing at all. Questions come up, I try to hold off interruptions until the end of the reading but sometimes we pause. Today the OT reading was David and Bathsheba. You can imagine the questions that brought up. I have never been so thankful to be home schooling where we can age appropriately discuss adultery. I love that there is nothing we won't discuss with our children, they are learning from the earliest age that communication is always open in our home and there is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about even when we must discuss hard things.
After the readings we did our hymn study. We are working on "The Church's One Foundation" and "A Mighty Fortress". We go over when it was written, who wrote it, who composed the tune, etc and we sing each hymn in its entirety. Well, I do. Voices ebb and flow and I don't force it. They listen, hum, tap on the table, sing a line then fall silent. But my favorite thing is when I walk by them later in the day and while they are deep in play they are singing the hymn all on their own.
After hymn study we read our "Follow and Do" book for the week. This week we are working on the 10 commandments. Those Follow and Do books by CPH have made learning the catechism so simple and beautiful with their sweet illustrations but complete sections of the chief parts.
Finally we close in prayer by saying Luther's Morning prayer and sometimes extra petitions for other things. Lately the children have been praying that our church will open the Lord's Supper to them so that they might be strengthened too by Jesus' Body and Blood.
When devotions were over the children showed me what they had drawn during Bible study. My oldest showed me a drawing with landscape of a bald eagle. He made a point to show me that there were things in the background, middle ground, and foreground. He of course did not know these titles so we discussed them and I explained the purpose of each in a piece of art work. My second oldest, who is often very quiet about his faith and often very unexpressive and almost non interested (another time I am thankful to not be non-denominational or Baptist where my trust in his salvation would be in his own works, or lack thereof) quietly and almost embarrassed showed me what he had been drawing...page after page of beautifully designed churches. I smiled privately and whispered to him how beautiful his drawings were. The two year old proudly carried his OWN color book back to the cabinet and put his crayons away and the 4 year old asked me questions about the wolverine he had colored from his Alaskan Animals coloring book.
9:35: heat baby's bottle, get baby up, go into living room to feed baby and read stories to the kids. First we read "The Mitten" and "Goldilocks and the Three Bears". In keeping with yesterday, we spent these two books looking for the "ch" "th" "sh" and "wh" consonant digraphs. Each time we found one we would pause on the word, say the digraph together, then sound out the rest of the word. My 2 and 4 year olds are getting really good at spotting them before we even get to the word and then excitedly pointing them out. The 8 year old and 6 year old are a little tired of me pausing in the story to point out something they already know and yet they are very patient and get excited to see their brothers learning. When each story ended each child got to dictate back to me some of what they heard, ask questions, and answer questions I thought of.
10: baby is done drinking bottle, burp her, change her, put her on play mat while kids grab snacks. The snack choice for today was handfuls of pretzels. The giant tub we got from Costco was limited edition pretzels shaped like footballs, football helmets, and football fields. The kids were very excited about these shapes and I explained to them that they are only "limited edition". We discussed what this meant, why it was smart advertising wise, and what limited edition shapes might be next (Halloween? Christmas?). We sat back down on the couch with baby playing next to us and read "Mouse Tales". We talked about the homophones "tail" verses "tale", how they are each spelled and what their different meanings are. Then we read the stories in the book. We also ended up discussing what a "tall tale" is due to the nature of the stories in the book.
10:40: kids ran to play.
10:40-11:30: My oldest folded a load of laundry for me while the two middles took our dog out for some exercise in the backyard. I vacuumed and mopped the kitchen floor, checked my yogurt that I started yesterday, wiped the counters down and the table, and laid the baby back down for a short snooze because she was rubbing her eyes.
11:30-12: played outside with the boys. My oldest began asking questions about our read-aloud "The Secret Garden" from yesterday. We checked our garden, looked at the progress of our apples on our apple tree, watched some airplanes fly over, and the boys showed me some traps they were working on building.
12: lunch prep, lunch, lunch clean up. The boys all help, they all clear their spots, and they all take turns getting drinks, getting plates, getting out dips, etc.
12:35: get baby up, feed her second bottle, change diaper, fold a load of laundry with her playing next to me and the boys playing around her and talking to her.
1pm: put 2 year old down for a nap, a friend of the kids' comes over to play.
1-3: kids play hard outside. Baby plays then goes down for a nap at 2. I fold laundry, straighten house, check email, and begin dinner preparations.
3: get baby up, feed, change diaper and get her ready for pick up. Baby and kids' friend leave at 3:30.
3:30-4:30: give kids snack, sit down on couch for our read-aloud. 2 year old wakes up, I take him potty and he joins us for read-aloud. We read two chapters of "The Secret Garden" and discuss any new words. The kids guess the definition of the word based on it's context, sometimes we look up words in the dictionary and try to come up with new sentences for the word, and when we are done each kid, youngest to oldest gets to dictate back what they heard. Again I ask questions to prompt them or keep them moving.
4:30 kids go play with toys upstairs while I change into a fresh shirt (too much baby spit up) and finish dinner prep.
5:30: welcome Daddy.
This is what our day looked like today. Tomorrow it will look completely different. Some days we do math pages and play with math manipulatives. Right now each kid has their own math book, either Singapore or Rod and Staff. We do it when we feel like it, and I try to make sure that is at least 2-3 times a week. But more and more I feel comfortable teaching through life. I don't need a curriculum to point out all the words that start with "th", "wh", "ch", or "sh" in a book. And starting this young gets kids really focusing on words while we read...it teaches them HOW to read without some hyper time consuming "curriculum". But even more important, it teaches them HOW to LEARN. By observation. By asking questions. By talking to others. By looking in a book.
It has taken me a long time to get this comfortable with real life learning. I still freak out on a very regular basis wanting charts, control, "100 easy ways to homeschool a child into a perfect child".
But here's the thing: when I feel like that I want to ask myself, "You crazy girl, what are you thinking imagining that teaching your children in a way that revolves around real life (family, meals, service) will actually prepare them for REAL LIFE?!" Oh, wait...it will. :) And the other day, when one of the boys came running inside with a question about the sun as he observed it in his play out doors, we grabbed a nearby ball off the floor, tilted it, and spun it around while I held it up over my head by our chandelier that is over our kitchen table. In about 10 minutes the kids all understood orbit, why a day is 24 hours and one full revolution of the earth, why a year is 365 days and one full orbit around the sun, etc. No text book, no graph or diagram, just a ball, a light, and kids running back outside to look up into the sky.
Our life is not organized, it is not super structured, it is messy and chaotic sometimes, and every day at day's end I look back and see opportunities I missed to teach them that one more thing or to have structured that one other moment better... but every day we have breakfast, Bible time, lunch, dinner, and Daddy (and another Bible/prayer time led by Daddy in the evening) and every day my kids have more questions, more energy, and we keep on rich in our vocations of mother, father, husband, wife, brother, son, neighbor, and friend. We live to serve and love. And tomorrow is another day to be rich in our vocations.
6:15am: 2 year old wakes up and begins calling to his three brothers in his room that he needs to go potty. I kick my husband and ask him to go help said 2 yr old so his brothers can sleep a little longer. He very graciously obliges and I fall back asleep.
7:05: get up, kiss children good morning, head down to basement to work out.
7:45: dart up the stairs, drink a glass of water, do strength training in the piano room with kids climbing on me and mimicking me.
8:00: kiss husband goodbye, open front door for drop off of baby we are watching full time.
8:05: put on educational show for kids, baby secure in bouncy seat with the kids in the living room, jump in shower.
8:20: Make bed, pray.
8:30: change baby's diaper, put her down for a nap, take kids into kitchen for Bible study. This is probably my favorite time of the day. All four boys gathered coloring supplies and sat down while I opened up to today's readings in the Treasury of Daily Prayer. I am so thankful for the Treasury because just like in Divine Service we get a daily Psalm, Old Testament, and Gospel/Epistle reading (so unlike DS we only get one, either Gospel or Epistle). Then there is a church Father Writing and we also know if there is a specific commemoration that day with an explanation of who the person was or what the commemoration is about.
Devotion time is one I have really struggled with. I grew up in the Baptist belt where one's "personal relationship" with Jesus was emphasized over and over and over. "Devotions" were all about "listening" to Jesus, trying to hear some personal message for you through His Word, some whispering in the wind meant just for you that day. It was all about feelings, emotions, metaphysical gobbledygook. I shake my head now that I ever felt so guilty and so pressured into thinking that was correct. I still fight that mentality today. For the longest time I have made my children sit with nothing to do during our entire 45 min of Bible study, questioning them repeatedly throughout to make sure they were PAYING ATTENTION. But lately I've realized that while there is nothing wrong with helping children learn to sit still, and training them for church on Sunday is good and well, perhaps there is no harm in letting them color and scribble quietly while we read...after all, if I truly believe God's Word does what it says, that it is Living and Active, sharper than any two edge sword, then is it really about them? No. It is not. So they colored. Between readings we pause and youngest to oldest they get to share what they heard, or nothing at all. Questions come up, I try to hold off interruptions until the end of the reading but sometimes we pause. Today the OT reading was David and Bathsheba. You can imagine the questions that brought up. I have never been so thankful to be home schooling where we can age appropriately discuss adultery. I love that there is nothing we won't discuss with our children, they are learning from the earliest age that communication is always open in our home and there is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about even when we must discuss hard things.
After the readings we did our hymn study. We are working on "The Church's One Foundation" and "A Mighty Fortress". We go over when it was written, who wrote it, who composed the tune, etc and we sing each hymn in its entirety. Well, I do. Voices ebb and flow and I don't force it. They listen, hum, tap on the table, sing a line then fall silent. But my favorite thing is when I walk by them later in the day and while they are deep in play they are singing the hymn all on their own.
After hymn study we read our "Follow and Do" book for the week. This week we are working on the 10 commandments. Those Follow and Do books by CPH have made learning the catechism so simple and beautiful with their sweet illustrations but complete sections of the chief parts.
Finally we close in prayer by saying Luther's Morning prayer and sometimes extra petitions for other things. Lately the children have been praying that our church will open the Lord's Supper to them so that they might be strengthened too by Jesus' Body and Blood.
When devotions were over the children showed me what they had drawn during Bible study. My oldest showed me a drawing with landscape of a bald eagle. He made a point to show me that there were things in the background, middle ground, and foreground. He of course did not know these titles so we discussed them and I explained the purpose of each in a piece of art work. My second oldest, who is often very quiet about his faith and often very unexpressive and almost non interested (another time I am thankful to not be non-denominational or Baptist where my trust in his salvation would be in his own works, or lack thereof) quietly and almost embarrassed showed me what he had been drawing...page after page of beautifully designed churches. I smiled privately and whispered to him how beautiful his drawings were. The two year old proudly carried his OWN color book back to the cabinet and put his crayons away and the 4 year old asked me questions about the wolverine he had colored from his Alaskan Animals coloring book.
9:35: heat baby's bottle, get baby up, go into living room to feed baby and read stories to the kids. First we read "The Mitten" and "Goldilocks and the Three Bears". In keeping with yesterday, we spent these two books looking for the "ch" "th" "sh" and "wh" consonant digraphs. Each time we found one we would pause on the word, say the digraph together, then sound out the rest of the word. My 2 and 4 year olds are getting really good at spotting them before we even get to the word and then excitedly pointing them out. The 8 year old and 6 year old are a little tired of me pausing in the story to point out something they already know and yet they are very patient and get excited to see their brothers learning. When each story ended each child got to dictate back to me some of what they heard, ask questions, and answer questions I thought of.
10: baby is done drinking bottle, burp her, change her, put her on play mat while kids grab snacks. The snack choice for today was handfuls of pretzels. The giant tub we got from Costco was limited edition pretzels shaped like footballs, football helmets, and football fields. The kids were very excited about these shapes and I explained to them that they are only "limited edition". We discussed what this meant, why it was smart advertising wise, and what limited edition shapes might be next (Halloween? Christmas?). We sat back down on the couch with baby playing next to us and read "Mouse Tales". We talked about the homophones "tail" verses "tale", how they are each spelled and what their different meanings are. Then we read the stories in the book. We also ended up discussing what a "tall tale" is due to the nature of the stories in the book.
10:40: kids ran to play.
10:40-11:30: My oldest folded a load of laundry for me while the two middles took our dog out for some exercise in the backyard. I vacuumed and mopped the kitchen floor, checked my yogurt that I started yesterday, wiped the counters down and the table, and laid the baby back down for a short snooze because she was rubbing her eyes.
11:30-12: played outside with the boys. My oldest began asking questions about our read-aloud "The Secret Garden" from yesterday. We checked our garden, looked at the progress of our apples on our apple tree, watched some airplanes fly over, and the boys showed me some traps they were working on building.
12: lunch prep, lunch, lunch clean up. The boys all help, they all clear their spots, and they all take turns getting drinks, getting plates, getting out dips, etc.
12:35: get baby up, feed her second bottle, change diaper, fold a load of laundry with her playing next to me and the boys playing around her and talking to her.
1pm: put 2 year old down for a nap, a friend of the kids' comes over to play.
1-3: kids play hard outside. Baby plays then goes down for a nap at 2. I fold laundry, straighten house, check email, and begin dinner preparations.
3: get baby up, feed, change diaper and get her ready for pick up. Baby and kids' friend leave at 3:30.
3:30-4:30: give kids snack, sit down on couch for our read-aloud. 2 year old wakes up, I take him potty and he joins us for read-aloud. We read two chapters of "The Secret Garden" and discuss any new words. The kids guess the definition of the word based on it's context, sometimes we look up words in the dictionary and try to come up with new sentences for the word, and when we are done each kid, youngest to oldest gets to dictate back what they heard. Again I ask questions to prompt them or keep them moving.
4:30 kids go play with toys upstairs while I change into a fresh shirt (too much baby spit up) and finish dinner prep.
5:30: welcome Daddy.
This is what our day looked like today. Tomorrow it will look completely different. Some days we do math pages and play with math manipulatives. Right now each kid has their own math book, either Singapore or Rod and Staff. We do it when we feel like it, and I try to make sure that is at least 2-3 times a week. But more and more I feel comfortable teaching through life. I don't need a curriculum to point out all the words that start with "th", "wh", "ch", or "sh" in a book. And starting this young gets kids really focusing on words while we read...it teaches them HOW to read without some hyper time consuming "curriculum". But even more important, it teaches them HOW to LEARN. By observation. By asking questions. By talking to others. By looking in a book.
It has taken me a long time to get this comfortable with real life learning. I still freak out on a very regular basis wanting charts, control, "100 easy ways to homeschool a child into a perfect child".
But here's the thing: when I feel like that I want to ask myself, "You crazy girl, what are you thinking imagining that teaching your children in a way that revolves around real life (family, meals, service) will actually prepare them for REAL LIFE?!" Oh, wait...it will. :) And the other day, when one of the boys came running inside with a question about the sun as he observed it in his play out doors, we grabbed a nearby ball off the floor, tilted it, and spun it around while I held it up over my head by our chandelier that is over our kitchen table. In about 10 minutes the kids all understood orbit, why a day is 24 hours and one full revolution of the earth, why a year is 365 days and one full orbit around the sun, etc. No text book, no graph or diagram, just a ball, a light, and kids running back outside to look up into the sky.
Our life is not organized, it is not super structured, it is messy and chaotic sometimes, and every day at day's end I look back and see opportunities I missed to teach them that one more thing or to have structured that one other moment better... but every day we have breakfast, Bible time, lunch, dinner, and Daddy (and another Bible/prayer time led by Daddy in the evening) and every day my kids have more questions, more energy, and we keep on rich in our vocations of mother, father, husband, wife, brother, son, neighbor, and friend. We live to serve and love. And tomorrow is another day to be rich in our vocations.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Planning
I loved school when I was a kid. Nothing excited me more than that back-to-school shopping list and filling my new back pack with all the perfect supplies in all their brand new perfection. I loved perfect college-ruled notebook paper with it's perfect red and blue lines and spiral bound notebooks without a single thing written in them yet. Perfection.
Sigh, then I had to write my name on it. I have awful handwriting. Every one of my teachers cheerfully told me I would make a fantastic Dr one day because of my illegible handwriting. I tried, the Lord knows I tried, but alas, I inherited my father's handwriting instead of my mother's.
So, I don't know if it's the time of year that draws up in me a desire to plan and organize and categorize or if it's the fact that I had an energy burst today or both, but I began to have one of those days where I suddenly felt the need to micro manage the home.
I once bought a book that encouraged planning every 15 minutes of every family member's day for the entire day on a massive wall chart with sticky notes.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
ahem.
But the reality is, micro managing has two major downfalls.
1. It takes away the opportunity for initiative.
Example: A few days ago I was standing in the kitchen and my four year old wandered out into our huge half acre backyard. At first he just wandered around and then I saw him go back into the garage and emerge with the dog poo rake and scooper. I watched him spend about 30 minutes scanning the entire backyard and cleaning up every last pile of dog poop, which was considerable since it had been two days since we had cleaned up. You better believe I went out there when he was done and praised him for his initiative along with rewarding him. And I had to wonder...if that job had been assigned to someone for the day and if he had a list of jobs already assigned to him, would he have done that? Now I am certainly not against giving kids chores, but this gave me a whole new idea of how to manage chores in the home that I'll share later.
2. It forgets that the real moments of life are the interruptions. C.S. Lewis said it best:
“The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's 'own,' or 'real' life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life -- the life God is sending one day by day.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Collected Works of C.S. Lewis
Sigh, then I had to write my name on it. I have awful handwriting. Every one of my teachers cheerfully told me I would make a fantastic Dr one day because of my illegible handwriting. I tried, the Lord knows I tried, but alas, I inherited my father's handwriting instead of my mother's.
So, I don't know if it's the time of year that draws up in me a desire to plan and organize and categorize or if it's the fact that I had an energy burst today or both, but I began to have one of those days where I suddenly felt the need to micro manage the home.
I once bought a book that encouraged planning every 15 minutes of every family member's day for the entire day on a massive wall chart with sticky notes.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
ahem.
But the reality is, micro managing has two major downfalls.
1. It takes away the opportunity for initiative.
Example: A few days ago I was standing in the kitchen and my four year old wandered out into our huge half acre backyard. At first he just wandered around and then I saw him go back into the garage and emerge with the dog poo rake and scooper. I watched him spend about 30 minutes scanning the entire backyard and cleaning up every last pile of dog poop, which was considerable since it had been two days since we had cleaned up. You better believe I went out there when he was done and praised him for his initiative along with rewarding him. And I had to wonder...if that job had been assigned to someone for the day and if he had a list of jobs already assigned to him, would he have done that? Now I am certainly not against giving kids chores, but this gave me a whole new idea of how to manage chores in the home that I'll share later.
2. It forgets that the real moments of life are the interruptions. C.S. Lewis said it best:
“The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's 'own,' or 'real' life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life -- the life God is sending one day by day.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Collected Works of C.S. Lewis
So, my goals now are to focus on the real things and simply use organization as a tool to help only in the areas that really need help. AKA: IF IT'S NOT BROKE, DON'T FIX IT.
It's so tempting to want to control and perfect, but it's never going to be perfect and, really, I think it's such a joy stealer to see life's work as something that needs perfecting and controlling instead of viewing it as something that can constantly remind us of Christ. Example:
Laundry. (I can hear the collective groan right now throughout cyber space.) IT. NEVER. ENDS. EVER. This reminds me that all of creation tends towards the fall. But the redundancy of our work humbles us. In the drudgery, in the relentlessness, in the dirt, we may sigh, but we don't sigh as those that do not have a release. I need to put a crucifix over my washer and dryer so I can see in the drudgery my glorious release. Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again.
So, as I sat at the table today so tempted to begin the micro managing that makes me feel more perfect and makes me feel like maybe, maybe this time I will be able to control this mess that is our sinful world and life, I looked at the crucifix over our kitchen table and lectured myself, "only fix what really needs fixing"..and even that is such meager attempts. And yet, I feel pretty proud of the managing that has worked out!
So the planning I did accomplish was for our school year. My 2 year old will begin learning his letters and numbers and already knows his colors. My 4 year old will begin "4K" at home and we are using Rod and Staff's ABCDEFG books. I'm also using "Beginning Reading at Home" which is an old, out-of-print set of 10 kits that introduces letters and words in a multi-sensory way. My 6 year old will be using the "Beginning Reading at Home" as well as our CLE readers and for math will be using Singapore math. And my 8 year old will be using Singapore math, finishing his CLE readers, Story of the World, Apologia Science, and Spelling Power. We are not doing any further work in Language Arts this year because next year we will be using Classical Writing's upper level books...the primers just seem too much a waste of time. I really want him to focus on lots and lots of free time reading to get him reading proficiently enough to tackle Classical Writing and Latin next fall.
The way I play to get through all of this each day is as follows:
Every day we will do:
Morning: Catechism/Bible/Hymn study with all, 15-20 min per child of math instruction.
Afternoon: 15 min per child of reading instruction
In addition:
Monday: Writing for 8 year old (whatever I assign, no curriculum).
Tuesday: History for 8 yr old: Story of the World
Wednesday: Science for 8 yr old: Apologia
Thursday: Piano. He practices every day but Thursday he will practice double the time.
Friday: Dad's day off.
And that's it. We keep it as minimal as possible so that the rest of the day learning can flow from all the interesting things we do, see, and talk about. And, if at breakfast someone asks a question that flows into a rabbit trail of learning as often happens with curious little boys, well, so be it.
My comfort, when we don't stick to curriculum, comes in a handy print-out for each child's grade from wordbook.com that gives a list subject by subject of each thing they should know by the end of the year. Whenever I begin to worry whether my kids are actually learning I begin to go down the list for each child and see how ahead they actually are. This also allows me to watch for gaps or areas I wouldn't think to cover.
I've also been doing some further planning in the area of chores and housework and meals/cooking but I'll save that for another day. :)
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Mr. President
A couple months ago our family brought home a new member, a white German Shepherd named Harrison. Pretty cute, no?
Harrison has been a constant source of stress and frustration. He's a money drain too. Honestly I'm not sure one thing this dog is supposed to bring to our family. An alarm system would be cheaper, WAY cheaper, security wise.
Then, yesterday, I was walking through the backyard and something caught my eye. I almost threw up in disgust. There, in the middle of a pile of dog poop, was a large white worm. WHITE. A roundworm. I spent the rest of the day panicking as I read about the dangers of roundworms in dogs to children and pregnant women. That explains his recent loss of appetite and diarrhea bouts all night long that have required me to get up often twice a night and take him outside between going to the restroom myself. We now have to spent even more time and effort into protecting ourselves, our yard, and our home from these invaders in our dog. (Don't worry, I know how to handle it.)
Why did we get him? Why should we keep him? What is his value or worth? What were we thinking opening our family to him?
[15] We ourselves are Jews by birth and not Gentile sinners; [16] yet we know that a person is not justified by works of the law but through faith in Jesus Christ, so we also have believed in Christ Jesus, in order to be justified by faith in Christ and not by works of the law, because by works of the law no one will be justified. (Galatians 2:15-16, ESV) (emphasis mine)
Salvation unto us has come
By God’s free grace and favor;
Good works cannot avert our doom,
They help and save us never.
Faith looks to Jesus Christ alone,
Who did for all the world atone;
He is our one Redeemer.
What God did in His law demand
And none to Him could render
Caused wrath and woe on every hand
For man, the vile offender.
Our flesh has not those pure desires
The spirit of the Law requires,
And lost is our condition.
It was a false, misleading dream
That God His Law had given
So sinners could themselves redeem
And by their works gain Heaven.
The Law is but a mirror bright
To bring the inbred sin to light
That lurks within our nature.
From sin our flesh could not abstain
Sin held its sway unceasing;
The task was useless and in vain,
Our guilt was e’er increasing.
None can remove sin’s poisoned dart
Or purify our guileful heart—
So deep is our corruption.
Yet as the Law must be fulfilled
Or we must die despairing,
Christ came and hath God’s anger stilled,
Our human nature sharing.
He hath for us the Law obeyed
And thus the Father’s vengeance stayed
Which over us impended.
Since Christ hath full atonement made
And brought us to salvation,
Each Christian therefore may be glad
And build on this foundation.
Thy grace alone, dear Lord, I plead,
Thy death is now my life indeed,
For Thou hast paid my ransom.
Let me not doubt, but trust in Thee,
Thy Word cannot be broken;
Thy call rings out, “Come unto Me!”
No falsehood hast Thou spoken.
Baptized into Thy precious Name,
My faith cannot be put to shame,
And I shall never perish.
The Law reveals the guilt of sin
And makes men conscience-stricken;
The Gospel then doth enter in
The sinful soul to quicken.
Come to the cross, trust Christ, and live;
The Law no peace can ever give,
No comfort and no blessing.
Faith clings to Jesus’ cross alone
And rests in Him unceasing;
And by its fruits true faith is known,
With love and hope increasing.
Yet faith alone doth justify,
Works serve thy neighbor and supply
The proof that faith is living.
All blessing, honor, thanks, and praise
To Father, Son, and Spirit,
The God that saved us by His grace—
All glory to His merit!
O Triune God in Heav’n above,
Who hast revealed Thy saving love,
Thy blessèd Name be hallowed.
Harrison has been a constant source of stress and frustration. He's a money drain too. Honestly I'm not sure one thing this dog is supposed to bring to our family. An alarm system would be cheaper, WAY cheaper, security wise.
Then, yesterday, I was walking through the backyard and something caught my eye. I almost threw up in disgust. There, in the middle of a pile of dog poop, was a large white worm. WHITE. A roundworm. I spent the rest of the day panicking as I read about the dangers of roundworms in dogs to children and pregnant women. That explains his recent loss of appetite and diarrhea bouts all night long that have required me to get up often twice a night and take him outside between going to the restroom myself. We now have to spent even more time and effort into protecting ourselves, our yard, and our home from these invaders in our dog. (Don't worry, I know how to handle it.)
Why did we get him? Why should we keep him? What is his value or worth? What were we thinking opening our family to him?
[15] We ourselves are Jews by birth and not Gentile sinners; [16] yet we know that a person is not justified by works of the law but through faith in Jesus Christ, so we also have believed in Christ Jesus, in order to be justified by faith in Christ and not by works of the law, because by works of the law no one will be justified. (Galatians 2:15-16, ESV) (emphasis mine)
I wonder if the Jewish Christians felt this way when Christ let it be known that He had died not only for the Jew, but also for the Gentile sinner. I wonder if the Jews were disgusted. I wonder if they felt repulsed by the extra work and struggled against opening their faith to such a "sinful" people, to such lawless people...people that were never part of the exile into the desert or the exile into Babylon. People that had not suffered and wandered and had their heritage. And suddenly salvation unto them has come by God's free grace and favor.
Sigh.
So, Mr. President stays. He is pretty cute, after all. He's stupidly happy and you should see him when the water hose is on. I'm still not sure what he will add to our family and what all this money spent will do for us, but, sometimes it just has to cease to be about money or us. We certainly won't win any brownie points with God just for welcoming a stupid dog into our house. It's not like we did something noble like adopt a child. So it's not even a salvific good work. huh. What a waste.
But he stays.
May we stay too. Always. Christ keep us.
Salvation unto us has come
By God’s free grace and favor;
Good works cannot avert our doom,
They help and save us never.
Faith looks to Jesus Christ alone,
Who did for all the world atone;
He is our one Redeemer.
What God did in His law demand
And none to Him could render
Caused wrath and woe on every hand
For man, the vile offender.
Our flesh has not those pure desires
The spirit of the Law requires,
And lost is our condition.
It was a false, misleading dream
That God His Law had given
So sinners could themselves redeem
And by their works gain Heaven.
The Law is but a mirror bright
To bring the inbred sin to light
That lurks within our nature.
From sin our flesh could not abstain
Sin held its sway unceasing;
The task was useless and in vain,
Our guilt was e’er increasing.
None can remove sin’s poisoned dart
Or purify our guileful heart—
So deep is our corruption.
Yet as the Law must be fulfilled
Or we must die despairing,
Christ came and hath God’s anger stilled,
Our human nature sharing.
He hath for us the Law obeyed
And thus the Father’s vengeance stayed
Which over us impended.
Since Christ hath full atonement made
And brought us to salvation,
Each Christian therefore may be glad
And build on this foundation.
Thy grace alone, dear Lord, I plead,
Thy death is now my life indeed,
For Thou hast paid my ransom.
Let me not doubt, but trust in Thee,
Thy Word cannot be broken;
Thy call rings out, “Come unto Me!”
No falsehood hast Thou spoken.
Baptized into Thy precious Name,
My faith cannot be put to shame,
And I shall never perish.
The Law reveals the guilt of sin
And makes men conscience-stricken;
The Gospel then doth enter in
The sinful soul to quicken.
Come to the cross, trust Christ, and live;
The Law no peace can ever give,
No comfort and no blessing.
Faith clings to Jesus’ cross alone
And rests in Him unceasing;
And by its fruits true faith is known,
With love and hope increasing.
Yet faith alone doth justify,
Works serve thy neighbor and supply
The proof that faith is living.
All blessing, honor, thanks, and praise
To Father, Son, and Spirit,
The God that saved us by His grace—
All glory to His merit!
O Triune God in Heav’n above,
Who hast revealed Thy saving love,
Thy blessèd Name be hallowed.
Salvation Unto Us Has Come, LSB #555
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Many Hands Make Work Light....I Hope
This week I began a full time job. No, not outside of the home. I am now caring full time for a precious baby girl while her mama returns to work. I adore this little girl, she is seriously the best behaved baby ever. She adores her sleep and goes to sleep happy as can be every time simply by being swaddled and laid in the pack n' play. She takes her bottles of her Mama's milk like a pro. And when this little girl is awake, so long as she has one of my four boys near by to watch, she is just as content as can be. She is so cute.
Having her in our home full time 5 days a week is going to be a big change. When she's hungry, everything stops so I can feed her. When she's tired, the boys have to be quiet so she can nap. Obviously they will have these changes in four months, God willing, anyhow, but this time it's for someone outside of our family and came on with rather short notice. They are handling it beautifully and adore having her here. They are all now unanimous that they want the baby in my belly to be a sister.
So, we work to view this in the eyes of Christian service and think "this makes me rich in my vocation". We have yet another opportunity to serve our neighbor and a family in Christ and be a loving home for this sweet girl for the next few years during the day.
We are also working on a major home "renovation" and making 3 big room changes. The main floor master is becoming a study/play room/baby nap room. The second floor room that was home to our four boys is now becoming my husband's and my room. And the second floor play room is now the boys' room. This is a lot of furniture to move. This is also a lot of cleaning to do. The old boys' room is requiring a ton of work as a drop down ceiling needed to be removed, fake paneling ripped out, and then we discovered some mold on one wall behind the paneling because an air return had been covered. So, dry wall had to be ripped out, the insulation removed, and fresh insulation and new dry wall placed. We have to repair the other dry wall from the paneling, paint, refinish the wood floors in that room, and move our furniture from the downstairs bedroom up the stairs and down to hallways into our bedroom. Then we will move the toys that are in the guest room and basement down to the new play room. This will give us a definite sleep area upstairs (which will keep us from needing to use the upstairs during the day and give me better oversight over little ones) and a definite living and play space downstairs. The new play room has a door that can shut so it will also make a good school room for older boys as they need quiet with more intensive studies.
And just for kicks we decided to refinish our kitchen table and deep clean the basement this week, you know, since we don't have anything going on. :)
We have four months until this sweet baby is due. In that time we need to finish these projects, make a trip to see some dear friends about 12 hours away, and complete a few other home renovations before winter sets in.
Oh!!! And I just got some supplies in the mail today to finally give sprouting grains a try! I bought ancient Einkorn wheat that I'm going to sprout, dry, and grind to make into baked goods because I discovered my allergic son can have sprouted Einkorn wheat! We bought a barrel of berries so I need to get sprouting. I also bought some glycerin so I can make my own child friendly herbal tinctures for fall and winter illnesses. I want to get those made before October so we are prepared for cold and flu season.
Finally I've started my pregnancy work out regimen. With my 4th I began working out at 22 weeks in an attempt to make labor easier. It worked. I was in such amazing shape by labor that my ability to handle the pain, stay ahead of it, and not get exhausted was greatly improved. My husband was so impressed that he's been really encouraging me to get at it again and I know he's right. But it's hard going because during my year of miscarriages I was afraid to work out much in case working out too hard was hurting my pregnancies. We found a treadmill at a garage sale and I've been doing 45 min workouts on a high speed and decent incline doing different arm workouts while walking fast.
And of course, home schooling continues and the boys are all loving their new math books while we continue to work through Bible/catechism, reading, handwriting, history, and science.
Did I mention I have about 35 tomato plants that are mass producing right now? Anyone want to come help make ketchup, salsa, and spaghetti sauce to can? :)
Having her in our home full time 5 days a week is going to be a big change. When she's hungry, everything stops so I can feed her. When she's tired, the boys have to be quiet so she can nap. Obviously they will have these changes in four months, God willing, anyhow, but this time it's for someone outside of our family and came on with rather short notice. They are handling it beautifully and adore having her here. They are all now unanimous that they want the baby in my belly to be a sister.
So, we work to view this in the eyes of Christian service and think "this makes me rich in my vocation". We have yet another opportunity to serve our neighbor and a family in Christ and be a loving home for this sweet girl for the next few years during the day.
We are also working on a major home "renovation" and making 3 big room changes. The main floor master is becoming a study/play room/baby nap room. The second floor room that was home to our four boys is now becoming my husband's and my room. And the second floor play room is now the boys' room. This is a lot of furniture to move. This is also a lot of cleaning to do. The old boys' room is requiring a ton of work as a drop down ceiling needed to be removed, fake paneling ripped out, and then we discovered some mold on one wall behind the paneling because an air return had been covered. So, dry wall had to be ripped out, the insulation removed, and fresh insulation and new dry wall placed. We have to repair the other dry wall from the paneling, paint, refinish the wood floors in that room, and move our furniture from the downstairs bedroom up the stairs and down to hallways into our bedroom. Then we will move the toys that are in the guest room and basement down to the new play room. This will give us a definite sleep area upstairs (which will keep us from needing to use the upstairs during the day and give me better oversight over little ones) and a definite living and play space downstairs. The new play room has a door that can shut so it will also make a good school room for older boys as they need quiet with more intensive studies.
And just for kicks we decided to refinish our kitchen table and deep clean the basement this week, you know, since we don't have anything going on. :)
We have four months until this sweet baby is due. In that time we need to finish these projects, make a trip to see some dear friends about 12 hours away, and complete a few other home renovations before winter sets in.
Oh!!! And I just got some supplies in the mail today to finally give sprouting grains a try! I bought ancient Einkorn wheat that I'm going to sprout, dry, and grind to make into baked goods because I discovered my allergic son can have sprouted Einkorn wheat! We bought a barrel of berries so I need to get sprouting. I also bought some glycerin so I can make my own child friendly herbal tinctures for fall and winter illnesses. I want to get those made before October so we are prepared for cold and flu season.
Finally I've started my pregnancy work out regimen. With my 4th I began working out at 22 weeks in an attempt to make labor easier. It worked. I was in such amazing shape by labor that my ability to handle the pain, stay ahead of it, and not get exhausted was greatly improved. My husband was so impressed that he's been really encouraging me to get at it again and I know he's right. But it's hard going because during my year of miscarriages I was afraid to work out much in case working out too hard was hurting my pregnancies. We found a treadmill at a garage sale and I've been doing 45 min workouts on a high speed and decent incline doing different arm workouts while walking fast.
And of course, home schooling continues and the boys are all loving their new math books while we continue to work through Bible/catechism, reading, handwriting, history, and science.
Did I mention I have about 35 tomato plants that are mass producing right now? Anyone want to come help make ketchup, salsa, and spaghetti sauce to can? :)
Saturday, July 12, 2014
The Darkness Deepens: And why that's OK.
In the past few months I've come under a lot of ridicule for the title of my blog. I was confronted rather harshly by a couple of loved ones and it sometimes still confounds me.
Today was a bad day. I woke up to two of my children rowdily getting out of bed (which they are not allowed to do) and thus awakening their baby brother who was in his big boy bed for his very first night. They woke him-and me- up an hour before we are accustomed to getting up. But because baby boy was awake I had to hop out of bed and get up there because he also just potty trained and I needed to get his night time diaper off so he could use the potty. Within the span of an hour I dealt with about 5 meltdowns from over-tired children, a dog that was insisting on trying to dig holes in the yard and eat his own poop, a few huge spills (two of which were the dog and included him grabbing a full cup of smoothie and tossing it up into the air where it hit the wall and splattered all over himself, the wall, and the floor and the other of which was a half drank bottle of kefir, which he enjoyed immensely). By the time my husband got up I wanted to sob and was so tired I didn't know what to do with myself.
This evening my husband left for church and I sent the children upstairs to play. I read an article that I had seen linked to and had been wanting to check out because I'm always up for a good lashing that will remind me how selfish I am so I can try to repent more, be better, and therefore attain piety.....um, what? Yea, don't deny it, you know you are too:
http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/the-me-monster/
Thankfully I'm getting better at spotting these types of articles for what they are and turning to what Scripture actually says.
About the only thing I found truly helpful about the above link was the very last recommendation to counter one's own thoughts with God's Word. But my passages would look far different from hers. See how she beats herself down with more law? Law for law. She shares in depth a very deep and very hard personal struggle to the Law and how she was about nearly crushed from her need to find perceived perfection in the Amish faith and then how does she say she came out of it? Here was her before:
"What about me? I am tired! Furthermore, I want to raise my kids Amish; my husband won’t allow me to do this; what about my dreams? What about how I feel? They are my kids too! I have been through so much. I, I, I, and what about me, me, me” (notice the “ME” monster). That was my sin. Depression is selfish. When you are depressed, you are only thinking about yourself—about poor and unfortunate ME. I was seeking my own. "
"Once I got my focus off myself and onto what my purpose was, and onto Christ, it really made me get better. I had to start realizing that things could be worse. I had to start seeing things differently. I was really bad.....I want to be patient, to endure the hard times, and understand God’s perfect will and timing in the lives of others."
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, 7 casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you. 8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.9 Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. 10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. 11 To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 5:6-11 (emphasis mine)
"Some went down to the sea in ships,
doing business on the great waters;
24 they saw the deeds of the Lord,
his wondrous works in the deep.
25 For he commanded and raised the stormy wind,
which lifted up the waves of the sea.
26 They mounted up to heaven; they went down to the depths;
their courage melted away in their evil plight;
27 they reeled and staggered like drunken men
and were at their wits' end.
28 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
29 He made the storm be still,
and the waves of the sea were hushed.
30 Then they were glad that the waters were quiet,
and he brought them to their desired haven." Psalm 107:23-30
Today was a bad day. I woke up to two of my children rowdily getting out of bed (which they are not allowed to do) and thus awakening their baby brother who was in his big boy bed for his very first night. They woke him-and me- up an hour before we are accustomed to getting up. But because baby boy was awake I had to hop out of bed and get up there because he also just potty trained and I needed to get his night time diaper off so he could use the potty. Within the span of an hour I dealt with about 5 meltdowns from over-tired children, a dog that was insisting on trying to dig holes in the yard and eat his own poop, a few huge spills (two of which were the dog and included him grabbing a full cup of smoothie and tossing it up into the air where it hit the wall and splattered all over himself, the wall, and the floor and the other of which was a half drank bottle of kefir, which he enjoyed immensely). By the time my husband got up I wanted to sob and was so tired I didn't know what to do with myself.
This evening my husband left for church and I sent the children upstairs to play. I read an article that I had seen linked to and had been wanting to check out because I'm always up for a good lashing that will remind me how selfish I am so I can try to repent more, be better, and therefore attain piety.....um, what? Yea, don't deny it, you know you are too:
http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/the-me-monster/
Thankfully I'm getting better at spotting these types of articles for what they are and turning to what Scripture actually says.
About the only thing I found truly helpful about the above link was the very last recommendation to counter one's own thoughts with God's Word. But my passages would look far different from hers. See how she beats herself down with more law? Law for law. She shares in depth a very deep and very hard personal struggle to the Law and how she was about nearly crushed from her need to find perceived perfection in the Amish faith and then how does she say she came out of it? Here was her before:
"What about me? I am tired! Furthermore, I want to raise my kids Amish; my husband won’t allow me to do this; what about my dreams? What about how I feel? They are my kids too! I have been through so much. I, I, I, and what about me, me, me” (notice the “ME” monster). That was my sin. Depression is selfish. When you are depressed, you are only thinking about yourself—about poor and unfortunate ME. I was seeking my own. "
And here is her solution to this problem:
Hmmm....Do you see the problem here? I don't see any loss of the "me monster" she claims to have found to solve her problem.
My dear sisters, you cannot rid yourself of the "me monster". You simply cannot. You cannot stop hurting, you cannot stop muddling through the diapers and the laundry and the filth and the hardships...they (the hurting, the selfishness, the desire to be free from our burdens and sins) just aren't going to go away. They just aren't. The low pressure weather systems with the storms building up behind them kind of days that depress us (or at least me) are still going to come, the news is still going to show the insanity going on around the world that leads us to stare in horror and go, "What the hell?", and we are still going to yell sometimes, be as selfish as the naughtiest 2 year old sometimes, and just not have the energy to do more than throw sugar laden junk at our kids to get them to SIT DOWN AND BE QUIET sometimes.
So what does God's Word say to us? Sisters, the secret when going through God's Word is not to apply law to law. Oh yes, those passages the author of the article shared are God's Inspired Word but did you see their context? Those passages are not written in the context of applying to the hurting, the broken, the law-sick person. Read through the entire Bible and you see that God never changes: He applies law to the unrepentant haters of God and GOSPEL to the hurting, despairing, but faith filled believers in Christ..So read these:
"[13] Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. [14] For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. [15] For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. [16] Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. [17] So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. [18] For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. [19] For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. [20] Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. [21] So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. [22] For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, [23] but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. [24] Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? [25] Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. "(Romans 7:13-25 ESV)
"Some went down to the sea in ships,
doing business on the great waters;
24 they saw the deeds of the Lord,
his wondrous works in the deep.
25 For he commanded and raised the stormy wind,
which lifted up the waves of the sea.
26 They mounted up to heaven; they went down to the depths;
their courage melted away in their evil plight;
27 they reeled and staggered like drunken men
and were at their wits' end.
28 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
29 He made the storm be still,
and the waves of the sea were hushed.
30 Then they were glad that the waters were quiet,
and he brought them to their desired haven." Psalm 107:23-30
Christ has died, Christ is Risen, Christ will come again. And HE will lift you up in due time. And in the mean time we keep on asking our children to forgive us, we forgive as we have been forgiven, and we drag our weary souls where He promises to be: His Word and His Body and Blood, and in the remembrance of our Baptisms. There we find strength for our souls and the courage to keep moving. He IS coming indeed! If there is one thing I hope my children learn from me it is that life is like the above Psalm. We will stagger and fall and be at our wits' end...but Jesus comes, He always comes. I hope my children always know we cannot save ourselves and we can never be good enough, Mommy certainly is not, but we are LOVED, we are FORGIVEN, and Christ gives us His Very Self and does not leave us as orphans. We are His, bought with His Blood, and it's OK to be sad, it's OK to have bad days, we forgive and keep on moving in Christ's help and Christ's joy.
Peace be with you and Christ keep you.
Monday, July 7, 2014
Growing pains
I remember as a child when I would randomly get pains in my legs. They would be achy and crampy and feel just awful. My parents would tell me they were "growing pains" and that I should eat more bananas. I wonder how many bananas they got me to consume throughout the years from growing pains. *smile* Of course I know they were honestly hoping the potassium would help, but it still makes me chuckle to think of stuffing my face with bananas in hopes the pain would go away.
I wish there was a solution as simple as bananas for every parenting conundrum. This makes this post sound like I'm struggling with a particular child but I'm not. Instead, my children are growing, changing, and becoming complicated individuals with thoughts, ideas, and views on what they have been taught and what they see in the world/individuals around them and in some ways it's thrilling, in some ways it's terrifying.
This journey of home schooling has been the craziest ride of my life. Well, other than venturing off to a city unknown over a thousand miles away from home after my dad died for college. Well, and maybe having all my babies at home with no drugs. ;) I think those three tie.
But this journey is scary, humbling, never ending (it seems), exhausting...and yet the most rewarding journey I could ask for. It is rewarding because I am starting to see that by home schooling them I am not depriving them, I am opening up the entire world to them. I am also opening up the entire world to myself. And some days, I'm not sure I like what I find. And that makes me want to fold my children into the protective and controlled and scheduled environment of school. And yet, we all know that especially today there is no such environment in those institutions. Besides, though I may not like what I find and though I may feel challenged and stretched and confused and uneducated when I open up myself and my children to the vast world around us, how will I ever show them how to be courageous and strong and capable young men if we can't even be brave enough to step out?
I am reading some new books and new ideas that challenge me and scare me. They call into question things I was taught in school and ways I understood the world and our own country and government. I am thankful that at the end of the day, regardless of what the world really is and what our country really is, Christ is before and over and in all.
And when the day is done, my husband and I hear God's Word, pray, and I am so thankful that as long as our home is full of Christ and His love, there is nothing better in all the world that we could give our children.
I wish there was a solution as simple as bananas for every parenting conundrum. This makes this post sound like I'm struggling with a particular child but I'm not. Instead, my children are growing, changing, and becoming complicated individuals with thoughts, ideas, and views on what they have been taught and what they see in the world/individuals around them and in some ways it's thrilling, in some ways it's terrifying.
This journey of home schooling has been the craziest ride of my life. Well, other than venturing off to a city unknown over a thousand miles away from home after my dad died for college. Well, and maybe having all my babies at home with no drugs. ;) I think those three tie.
But this journey is scary, humbling, never ending (it seems), exhausting...and yet the most rewarding journey I could ask for. It is rewarding because I am starting to see that by home schooling them I am not depriving them, I am opening up the entire world to them. I am also opening up the entire world to myself. And some days, I'm not sure I like what I find. And that makes me want to fold my children into the protective and controlled and scheduled environment of school. And yet, we all know that especially today there is no such environment in those institutions. Besides, though I may not like what I find and though I may feel challenged and stretched and confused and uneducated when I open up myself and my children to the vast world around us, how will I ever show them how to be courageous and strong and capable young men if we can't even be brave enough to step out?
I am reading some new books and new ideas that challenge me and scare me. They call into question things I was taught in school and ways I understood the world and our own country and government. I am thankful that at the end of the day, regardless of what the world really is and what our country really is, Christ is before and over and in all.
And when the day is done, my husband and I hear God's Word, pray, and I am so thankful that as long as our home is full of Christ and His love, there is nothing better in all the world that we could give our children.
Monday, June 23, 2014
Food, Facebook, and Family
Recently I was listening to THIS. Actually, I have listened to it more than once. And one of the things that has stayed with me the most from this talk was something Pr. Weedon said in the second video, about 5 minutes and 30 seconds in. He says the process of theosis (divinization) is about God taking things away from you. It's not about your own "upward" progress as a Christian, but it is about God's taking things away from you one by one by one and in that taking away, causing you to realize that HE is enough. And then, lastly, He takes away your breath. But even then, He is enough.
Isn't that beautiful?!? Seriously, that is the most beautiful confession of the true Christian faith I have ever heard in my entire life. I want it painted around the top of my family's living room where I have to read it every single day.
Hearing Pastor Weedon's confession was like a slap in the face to several of my false gods that we all have and led me to repent of some of my unconfessed sins/temptations that I did not realize I had. It also allowed me to have peace in some areas of my life that have haunted me.
The first area is food. A friend of mine that finally became a face to face friend when I met her this week, after years of having mutual friends and being friends online, introduced me to a new term this week called orthorexia nervosa. Orthorexia is an eating disorder characterized by an unhealthy preoccupation with food that one perceives to be "unhealthy"......
Um...can we say 99.9% of American culture?
Americans ARE OBSESSED with food. Don't believe me? Head to any of the news websites or take a walk to the check out counter. How many articles will you find with all sorts of self proclaimed experts telling you what is truly "healthy" for you and what is not? And, after 9 years of thinking that in order to be a good mom and wife I had to figure out exactly how to be perfect with food I. AM. DONE.
Do you want to know the biggest most dangerous reason we, as Christians, need to let go of this food obsession once and for all?
The devil has us right where he wants us. He wants to disguise sin's effects on our sinful flesh and our need for Christ and have us call it something other than sin. How does he do this? By making you think your aunt has cancer because she didn't eat an all organic diet free from all gmo's. By making you think your baby has eczema because you didn't follow a paleo diet while pregnant/nursing. By making you think your sister is obese because she eats wheat.
Do you know why we have cancer, eczema, obesity and every other human flesh failure? BECAUSE. WE. ARE. FALLEN. That's it. We are fallen. We are infected with sin. We cannot save ourselves. Friends, you can go ahead and try. You can sprout your grains, soak them, sing to them. You can buy all non-gmo, all organic, heck grow all your own everything. You can take fermented cod liver oil with butter oil, drink all fresh spring water in stainless steel or glass water bottles, and refuse all sugar, grains, and legumes. WHATEVER. But I'm so sorry to tell you, it won't heal you. You will still get sick. you may even get cancer, or eczema, or even still struggle with obesity. You might still feel fatigued, still struggle with insomnia, or still have acne. Yes, God gives us wisdom to make choices that could make a difference in our health temporarily and help ease certain ailments. This is wonderful! But...
The devil delights in his distraction tactic. He wants us to call sin something else, to take control of as many areas of our lives as we can and say, "oh, this isn't a spiritual thing, this has nothing to do with church and God, this is a physical thing, something I CAN CONTROL (WHOOOPPEEEEE!!!!!!)" And suddenly we do our devotions hurriedly in the morning, grouching the whole way through in our heart, because of the stress of wondering how we will be perfect enough to cure our son or self or sister today. And eventually where is our need for Christ?
Enough. It is enough. Look to Christ. Feed your family what you have and what you are able and let it go. Stop reading articles, stop listening to the panic, refuse to make food your god. Food will not heal you, save you, nor add one day to your life. Honor the body God gave you by not pouring things into it in gluttony as God's Word tells us is wicked, but do not grant God's healing powers nor His salvific work to your food.
The next area Weedon's quote convicted me was facebook. The food issue leads into the facebook issue in the way that having SO MUCH input into my life on a daily basis was not only overwhelmingly distracting from my own family and vocation making me see so many things I didn't need to be adding to my day, but, it also, I have realized, really really hurts the relationships in my life. I am afraid to see what relationships will be like for the world in 10-20 years. And I wonder how many of our grown up youth will be depressed, on drugs, or who knows what because their relationships are reduced to a glowing screen that does not hug them, talk to them, or love them. Mothers, sisters, brothers, friends, you can't trade a "like" for love. For real relationships. For life. We are all going to be reduced to hermits living with our glowing screens and not experiencing the world and complexity of true human interaction if we don't wake up. I decided this time to not delete my account completely like I did October of last year for 8 months because like it or not, most email and several event notifications happen through facebook. I have pregnant friends that will post the first announcement of a birth with a picture on facebook. And I want to be able to call or send a card to rejoice with them when word gets out. But I will no longer be posting my own updates unless it is something like a birth announcement. If I have the urge to post something, a picture, a funny happening, a thought, I'm going to either share it with my immediately family/friends around me that day or I will call some friend or family member far away to share it with them. Because that is how we actually deepen our relationships. That is how we show we care. That is how we show real human decency instead of turning into a bunch of robots.
And, like the food issue, the facebook issue feeds right into the family issue. As I have mentioned before, I grew up in a home broken several times over. When I was being raised in public school where many friends had divorced parents, it didn't seem like a big deal to me. My church didn't make a big deal out of it either. And I remember thinking, what's the big deal, I have two Christmases! Two birthdays! Two houses I can switch between if one is annoying me! ....
It is a big deal. It is only now that I'm an adult with a whole home and a Godly marriage that I have been able to grapple with the brokenness I grew up with and my parents and step parents went through. It breaks my heart for them and for me and my siblings. It has also bothered me more and more as I have had so many friendships deepen with so many amazing Pastor's wife friends who come from amazing Christian families. Are we all sinners? Of course, but there's a difference between sinners that live out their entire lives in fear and love of God in a church that takes very seriously how Christian parents will raise their children (and parents who take that seriously enough to vow it to death), confronting them with God's Word and private confession/absolution when they err, and sinners that live out their lives breaking themselves away from God, divorcing their homes and their children from a Godly life by their choices, and calling it OK because "xyz".
I am not seeking to place blame here. In all of these ponderings, I am so very grateful for the way God has kept me. My mom and dad faithfully brought me to the font of Holy Baptism at less than two weeks old and saw to it, along with my step mom, that I was raised faithfully in the church. But as I grappled with anger and confusion over the continuing deterioration of my family as my Dad died and all of my siblings left for other Christian denominations or left the church at times, I struggled to not be one of those people that grows up to become angry and rebellious about their upbringing and despairing over how I would see to it that my own family was raised in a God pleasing way when I had so little left on the home front. I want to honor my family and be grateful to God for the way He provided. And I am. But the answer was found in Weedon's quote and the realizations about food and facebook. First, we have to call things what they are, be honest about the sin we experienced, forgive as we have been forgiven, and where there is unrepentance in others, use it as an opportunity to pray for them and continue to live in repentance ourselves. Second, to seek out my true vocation in my life NOW, not what it used to be, not what I wish it was, but what it is now, and to make the most I can out of the relationships God has actually given me to nurture NOW.
"God has assuredly promised His grace to the humble (1Peter 5:5), that is, to those who lament and despair of themselves. But no man can be thoroughly humbled until he knows that his salvation is utterly beyond his own powers, devices, endeavors, will, and works, and depends entirely on the choice, will, and work of another, namely, of God alone. For as long as he is persuaded that he himself can do even the least thing toward his salvation, he retains some self-confidence and does not altogether despair of himself, and therefore he is not humbled before God, but presumes that there is-or at least hopes or desires that there may be- some place, time, and work for him, by which he may at length attain to salvation. But when a man has no doubt that everything depends on the will of God, then he completely despairs of himself and chooses nothing for himself, but waits for God to work; then he has come close to grace, and can be saved." -Martin Luther
1. Soul, adorn thyself with gladness,
Leave behind all gloom and sadness;
Come into the daylight's splendor,
There with joy thy praises render
Unto Him whose grace unbounded
Hath this woundrous supper founded.
High o'er all the heavens He reigneth,
Yet to dwell with thee He deigneth.
2. Hasten as a bride to meet Him
And with loving reverence greet Him;
For with words of life immortal
Now He knocketh at thy portal.
Haste to open the gates before Him,
Saying, while thou dost adore Him,
Suffer, Lord, that I receive Thee,
And I nevermore will leave Thee. -LSB 635
Thank you, Lord Jesus, for giving us your very self through the doorposts of our mouths that through your precious Body and Blood we may be strengthened in our faith to remain faithful unto death.
Isn't that beautiful?!? Seriously, that is the most beautiful confession of the true Christian faith I have ever heard in my entire life. I want it painted around the top of my family's living room where I have to read it every single day.
Hearing Pastor Weedon's confession was like a slap in the face to several of my false gods that we all have and led me to repent of some of my unconfessed sins/temptations that I did not realize I had. It also allowed me to have peace in some areas of my life that have haunted me.
The first area is food. A friend of mine that finally became a face to face friend when I met her this week, after years of having mutual friends and being friends online, introduced me to a new term this week called orthorexia nervosa. Orthorexia is an eating disorder characterized by an unhealthy preoccupation with food that one perceives to be "unhealthy"......
Um...can we say 99.9% of American culture?
Americans ARE OBSESSED with food. Don't believe me? Head to any of the news websites or take a walk to the check out counter. How many articles will you find with all sorts of self proclaimed experts telling you what is truly "healthy" for you and what is not? And, after 9 years of thinking that in order to be a good mom and wife I had to figure out exactly how to be perfect with food I. AM. DONE.
Do you want to know the biggest most dangerous reason we, as Christians, need to let go of this food obsession once and for all?
The devil has us right where he wants us. He wants to disguise sin's effects on our sinful flesh and our need for Christ and have us call it something other than sin. How does he do this? By making you think your aunt has cancer because she didn't eat an all organic diet free from all gmo's. By making you think your baby has eczema because you didn't follow a paleo diet while pregnant/nursing. By making you think your sister is obese because she eats wheat.
Do you know why we have cancer, eczema, obesity and every other human flesh failure? BECAUSE. WE. ARE. FALLEN. That's it. We are fallen. We are infected with sin. We cannot save ourselves. Friends, you can go ahead and try. You can sprout your grains, soak them, sing to them. You can buy all non-gmo, all organic, heck grow all your own everything. You can take fermented cod liver oil with butter oil, drink all fresh spring water in stainless steel or glass water bottles, and refuse all sugar, grains, and legumes. WHATEVER. But I'm so sorry to tell you, it won't heal you. You will still get sick. you may even get cancer, or eczema, or even still struggle with obesity. You might still feel fatigued, still struggle with insomnia, or still have acne. Yes, God gives us wisdom to make choices that could make a difference in our health temporarily and help ease certain ailments. This is wonderful! But...
The devil delights in his distraction tactic. He wants us to call sin something else, to take control of as many areas of our lives as we can and say, "oh, this isn't a spiritual thing, this has nothing to do with church and God, this is a physical thing, something I CAN CONTROL (WHOOOPPEEEEE!!!!!!)" And suddenly we do our devotions hurriedly in the morning, grouching the whole way through in our heart, because of the stress of wondering how we will be perfect enough to cure our son or self or sister today. And eventually where is our need for Christ?
Enough. It is enough. Look to Christ. Feed your family what you have and what you are able and let it go. Stop reading articles, stop listening to the panic, refuse to make food your god. Food will not heal you, save you, nor add one day to your life. Honor the body God gave you by not pouring things into it in gluttony as God's Word tells us is wicked, but do not grant God's healing powers nor His salvific work to your food.
The next area Weedon's quote convicted me was facebook. The food issue leads into the facebook issue in the way that having SO MUCH input into my life on a daily basis was not only overwhelmingly distracting from my own family and vocation making me see so many things I didn't need to be adding to my day, but, it also, I have realized, really really hurts the relationships in my life. I am afraid to see what relationships will be like for the world in 10-20 years. And I wonder how many of our grown up youth will be depressed, on drugs, or who knows what because their relationships are reduced to a glowing screen that does not hug them, talk to them, or love them. Mothers, sisters, brothers, friends, you can't trade a "like" for love. For real relationships. For life. We are all going to be reduced to hermits living with our glowing screens and not experiencing the world and complexity of true human interaction if we don't wake up. I decided this time to not delete my account completely like I did October of last year for 8 months because like it or not, most email and several event notifications happen through facebook. I have pregnant friends that will post the first announcement of a birth with a picture on facebook. And I want to be able to call or send a card to rejoice with them when word gets out. But I will no longer be posting my own updates unless it is something like a birth announcement. If I have the urge to post something, a picture, a funny happening, a thought, I'm going to either share it with my immediately family/friends around me that day or I will call some friend or family member far away to share it with them. Because that is how we actually deepen our relationships. That is how we show we care. That is how we show real human decency instead of turning into a bunch of robots.
And, like the food issue, the facebook issue feeds right into the family issue. As I have mentioned before, I grew up in a home broken several times over. When I was being raised in public school where many friends had divorced parents, it didn't seem like a big deal to me. My church didn't make a big deal out of it either. And I remember thinking, what's the big deal, I have two Christmases! Two birthdays! Two houses I can switch between if one is annoying me! ....
It is a big deal. It is only now that I'm an adult with a whole home and a Godly marriage that I have been able to grapple with the brokenness I grew up with and my parents and step parents went through. It breaks my heart for them and for me and my siblings. It has also bothered me more and more as I have had so many friendships deepen with so many amazing Pastor's wife friends who come from amazing Christian families. Are we all sinners? Of course, but there's a difference between sinners that live out their entire lives in fear and love of God in a church that takes very seriously how Christian parents will raise their children (and parents who take that seriously enough to vow it to death), confronting them with God's Word and private confession/absolution when they err, and sinners that live out their lives breaking themselves away from God, divorcing their homes and their children from a Godly life by their choices, and calling it OK because "xyz".
I am not seeking to place blame here. In all of these ponderings, I am so very grateful for the way God has kept me. My mom and dad faithfully brought me to the font of Holy Baptism at less than two weeks old and saw to it, along with my step mom, that I was raised faithfully in the church. But as I grappled with anger and confusion over the continuing deterioration of my family as my Dad died and all of my siblings left for other Christian denominations or left the church at times, I struggled to not be one of those people that grows up to become angry and rebellious about their upbringing and despairing over how I would see to it that my own family was raised in a God pleasing way when I had so little left on the home front. I want to honor my family and be grateful to God for the way He provided. And I am. But the answer was found in Weedon's quote and the realizations about food and facebook. First, we have to call things what they are, be honest about the sin we experienced, forgive as we have been forgiven, and where there is unrepentance in others, use it as an opportunity to pray for them and continue to live in repentance ourselves. Second, to seek out my true vocation in my life NOW, not what it used to be, not what I wish it was, but what it is now, and to make the most I can out of the relationships God has actually given me to nurture NOW.
"God has assuredly promised His grace to the humble (1Peter 5:5), that is, to those who lament and despair of themselves. But no man can be thoroughly humbled until he knows that his salvation is utterly beyond his own powers, devices, endeavors, will, and works, and depends entirely on the choice, will, and work of another, namely, of God alone. For as long as he is persuaded that he himself can do even the least thing toward his salvation, he retains some self-confidence and does not altogether despair of himself, and therefore he is not humbled before God, but presumes that there is-or at least hopes or desires that there may be- some place, time, and work for him, by which he may at length attain to salvation. But when a man has no doubt that everything depends on the will of God, then he completely despairs of himself and chooses nothing for himself, but waits for God to work; then he has come close to grace, and can be saved." -Martin Luther
1. Soul, adorn thyself with gladness,
Leave behind all gloom and sadness;
Come into the daylight's splendor,
There with joy thy praises render
Unto Him whose grace unbounded
Hath this woundrous supper founded.
High o'er all the heavens He reigneth,
Yet to dwell with thee He deigneth.
2. Hasten as a bride to meet Him
And with loving reverence greet Him;
For with words of life immortal
Now He knocketh at thy portal.
Haste to open the gates before Him,
Saying, while thou dost adore Him,
Suffer, Lord, that I receive Thee,
And I nevermore will leave Thee. -LSB 635
Thank you, Lord Jesus, for giving us your very self through the doorposts of our mouths that through your precious Body and Blood we may be strengthened in our faith to remain faithful unto death.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Unschooling
Nomenclature is a powerful thing. One word can conjure up all sorts of images, positive or negative, in someone's mind. People will avoid or cringe at the use of certain words based on their experience, impression, or the reputation associated with using them.
For a long time the word "unschooling" made me cringe. I saw strange loner kids running comic book shops in my mind when I heard the word. Now, however, in the last several months I have learned to love the word. But, not for my children. I love the word for MYSELF. To explain I'll share this article:
http://thelibertarianhomeschooler.com/a/ Go read it. I'll wait.
Seriously, read it people. It's short, I promise. And, really worth it.
Done?
That article was me. In my class of over 600 students I graduated 7th. I rocked the school thing. I was a "GOOD STUDENT". But was I really? Was I really a dedicated learner? To be fair there were a fair number of subjects that really interested me that I could probably still tell you quite a bit of information concerning the things I learned. But, my grades do not reflect the classes in which this was true. Because, if they did, I would be able to tell you about every subject with great accuracy.
It makes me sad that the only thing I really learned to do well is please people by following the rules, being likable and submissive, and doing what was expected of me.
I did not learn to love learning. I did not learn to think independently. I did not learn to ask questions, to question, to be critical, to refuse, and to truly understand my rights and lack thereof.
I looked up the definition of the prefix "un" and this is what I found:
My children fit under the first definition, 1 and 2.
My children are living. They are serving. They are growing, but we are not schooling them. We are raising them. We are training them. And they, with all their God-given curiosities and passions, are devouring knowledge as quickly as they can. It's amazing to watch. We learn in all sorts of ways, at all times, in all places. We read, we study, we write, we listen, we ask questions, we debate, but we are not robots drilling information that someone else decided my children had to know in order to be a functioning person. There's a reason the show "Are you smarter than a 5th grader?" was so popular. It was hysterical to watch adults flounder at information that if a 9 year old child does not regurgitate, he or she will fail! And yet, all of these adults were functioning, working, successful adults.
Government schools are a blessing to many people. They provide opportunities for not only jobs but also for children who cannot be at home for one reason or another. I had many amazing teachers who made a huge impact in my life and tons of fun experiences in those government schools. But I am so thankful, SO thankful to live in a country where that can be a last resort for my children. May that right never be taken away.
For a long time the word "unschooling" made me cringe. I saw strange loner kids running comic book shops in my mind when I heard the word. Now, however, in the last several months I have learned to love the word. But, not for my children. I love the word for MYSELF. To explain I'll share this article:
http://thelibertarianhomeschooler.com/a/ Go read it. I'll wait.
Seriously, read it people. It's short, I promise. And, really worth it.
Done?
That article was me. In my class of over 600 students I graduated 7th. I rocked the school thing. I was a "GOOD STUDENT". But was I really? Was I really a dedicated learner? To be fair there were a fair number of subjects that really interested me that I could probably still tell you quite a bit of information concerning the things I learned. But, my grades do not reflect the classes in which this was true. Because, if they did, I would be able to tell you about every subject with great accuracy.
It makes me sad that the only thing I really learned to do well is please people by following the rules, being likable and submissive, and doing what was expected of me.
I did not learn to love learning. I did not learn to think independently. I did not learn to ask questions, to question, to be critical, to refuse, and to truly understand my rights and lack thereof.
I looked up the definition of the prefix "un" and this is what I found:
un- 1
pref.
1. Not: unhappy.
2. Opposite of; contrary to: unrest.
|
My children fit under the first definition, 1 and 2.
My children are living. They are serving. They are growing, but we are not schooling them. We are raising them. We are training them. And they, with all their God-given curiosities and passions, are devouring knowledge as quickly as they can. It's amazing to watch. We learn in all sorts of ways, at all times, in all places. We read, we study, we write, we listen, we ask questions, we debate, but we are not robots drilling information that someone else decided my children had to know in order to be a functioning person. There's a reason the show "Are you smarter than a 5th grader?" was so popular. It was hysterical to watch adults flounder at information that if a 9 year old child does not regurgitate, he or she will fail! And yet, all of these adults were functioning, working, successful adults.
Government schools are a blessing to many people. They provide opportunities for not only jobs but also for children who cannot be at home for one reason or another. I had many amazing teachers who made a huge impact in my life and tons of fun experiences in those government schools. But I am so thankful, SO thankful to live in a country where that can be a last resort for my children. May that right never be taken away.
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