Conclusion: The Birth and Why I Jumped Ship on Home Birth

I have to admit, I've been avoiding this place the past couple days. The story was easy to tell. There's something about a story that makes it easy to separate yourself from and feel like a reporter instead. I love simply restating the events in order to remember how it all went down later.

But in the quiet moments that have happened since arriving home: when the baby is asleep, the kids are all down, and my husband is snoring next to me, then I have sat staring at my baby's perfect tiny face and my thoughts have surfaced. I cheated.

I can hear the collective moan across cyber space and I can imagine the comments now. No one wants to hear they cheated. Imagine telling a woman with hyperemesis that she "cheated" to take medication to control her vomiting. Imagine telling a woman who has her baby at home that it's cheating to give birth in the water. Imagine telling a man plowing the field that it's cheating to use modern farm equipment or that it's cheating to ride to work in a vehicle. Cheating the curse.

I cheated the curse.

But....what curse?

"For all who rely on works of the law are under a curse; for it is written, “Cursed be everyone who does not abide by all things written in the Book of the Law, and do them.” Now it is evident that no one is justified before God by the law, for “The righteous shall live by faith.” But the law is not of faith, rather “The one who does them shall live by them.” Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us—for it is written, “Cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree”—so that in Christ Jesus the blessing of Abraham might come to the Gentiles, so that we might receive the promised Spirit through faith." (Galatians 3:10-14 ESV)

Cursed be anyone who relies on the works of the law! Shall I bear my own curse? Shall I convince myself that if I birth alone in pain at home that my birth is somehow more pious and more worthy than a woman who has every pain medication the world can provide? Lord have mercy on those of us who are so trapped in the works of the law in our own mind. 

"Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us."!!! Christ has come, Christ has risen! Christ will come again!

I have to admit, I have walked around the past two weeks so free from post birth emotional trauma that I have actually FORGOTTEN that I gave birth and caught myself still mentally coaching myself on my upcoming birth! Several times in the past two weeks I have gone to take a hot bath to relieve some of the post birth aches and while relaxing deeply in the tub have begun to think on my upcoming birth! I have to laugh each time, out loud, that I could actually forget I have given birth. But I have been trying so very hard to prepare for the birth knowing I was going to have to get through a natural childbirth at home again that it's hard to just turn that off. My birth supplies are still here, untouched. It's weird! So, we finally packed them up and put them in the basement to await the future. 

So, will I ever go back?

I am so glad I do not have to answer that today. With my fourth child I was determined from about the half way point of pregnancy to rock childbirth. I needed it. I craved it. I was like a running addict looking at my next marathon. And one that was not only determined to run, but to win. Maybe that will happen again and I'll be crazy enough to have another home birth. (smile and wink) And I have to admit, the one regret I have is that my children were not with me. The only two home births I have had (my other two were born out of hospital but in other locations than my home) were my first and my third which ended with a near death experience for me and a hospital stay. So, nostalgically, I ached for a "beautiful" home birth in which my kids could gather around me to see their sibling born and we could all revel in the peace and warmth of our home afterwards. 

I shared this with my eldest son when I returned home from the hospital. He is the one we label as being gifted in the area of "human care and compassion". Extremely gifted. So I shared this with him and he gave me a half smile that was also mixed with a measure of little boy grossed-outedness, and he said, "Um, that's OK mom, I didn't really want to hear you yell anyways." I had to laugh out loud. And he's right. For all that mama tries to romanticize it, birth is loud, it's messy, and mama doesn't really want her other kids around her once the baby is out anyways. At least not for more than 5 minutes. 

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if the Lord will bless us with anymore children or if He does, if they will be children that are given to live here or not. I am thankful that this birth resulted in an amazing relationship with my family practice Dr., who aided me in delivering my son, and that she is here to guide me and help me as we navigate what happened at the end of this pregnancy and how that could affect me and any pregnancy in the future. We don't know if the platelet thing is something I have always had, since I never had those drawn in any previous pregnancies, and if it might explain my bleeding troubles. We also don't know if it's something that will get worse with each pregnancy and if it's something that my levels will get lower faster each time. These are things we will know in time and they will help us make wise decisions. 

I do know that I have never felt so at peace post birth, that I have never felt quite this calm and happy. I have jokingly called the epidural I received my "Gospel epidural". 

And I think that's what it all boils down to...why are you making the choice you are making? Is it because it's really what works for you, what you like, and what is best for you or is it because it is earning you righteousness in your own made up laws? When it becomes a matter of pride, something you feel you HAVE to do, are we not joining the ranks of the pharisees? 

I had a hospital birth. I got an epidural. I had a catheter, IV antibiotics, continuous fetal monitoring, tons and tons of IV fluids, and I don't think I have ever laughed so much during labor ever. And that reminds me of one of the most beautiful quotes I have heard in a long time: 

“Whenever the devil harasses you, seek the company of men or drink more, or joke and talk nonsense, or do some other merry thing. Sometimes we must drink more, sport, recreate ourselves, and even sin a little to spite the devil, so that we leave him no place for troubling our consciences with trifles. We are conquered if we try too conscientiously not to sin at all. So when the devil says to you: do not drink, answer him: I will drink, and right freely, just because you tell me not to.”
― Martin Luther

We must cling to law where law really exists, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and love your neighbor as yourself." Though the Christian knows that this law really turns back around to Christ who is the One responsible for granting us the faith with which to accomplish this! And so when we feel burdened, harassed, and weighed down beyond our strength and ability, well, it's time for an epidural. God be praised. 

In the waiting

My journey through pregnancy loss started and ended the exact same way. In December of 2010 I was blessed to conceive my little Hosanna Grace. In fact, I was able to slip the positive pregnancy test into my husband's stocking on Christmas morning. On January 6, 2011 she went home to the Lord. Very soon afterwards I conceived my fourth living child and he was due November 14, 2011. He was born into my hands on Nov. 4, 10 days early.

In December of 2012 I was blessed to conceive our 6th child, Anastasia Joy. Three months later she went home to the Lord as did our next three children that year. Then in December of 2013 I conceived our Noel Eve. On January 9, 2014 Noel went home to heaven.

I am now due, just as I was right after our very first loss, on Nov. 14. Less than a month away from my due date I no longer feel like I'm drowning in an inescapable whirlpool of death and nightmares. I always knew the Lord was with me, above and before me, but original sin is a beast. And when one is faced with inescapable death, old Adam loses his ability to congratulate himself for anything because the thing that is most important to mother at the moment is protecting her child and in repeat pregnancy loss we are rendered helpless, and it's so easy to despair.

I haven't had any ultrasounds this pregnancy since three weeks before the first trimester ended. Maybe I should have because it's been very easy to feel very removed this whole pregnancy. It's been hard to attach, hard to believe any of it is real, and hard to feel any bond with the baby within. Though, emotions are so fleeting anyways and I was so overwhelmed by them for months on end that I feel like it's OK to not be emotional if I don't want to. Baby does not need me to be emotional. And it doesn't matter if I "feel" attached. The reality is, I am, very physically speaking, and my body is doing what needs to be done with or without my emotions. Thanks be to God.

So here I am waiting, may the Lord deliver me in His perfect time and may my child be brought quickly, so quickly to the font of Holy Baptism.

The Darkness Deepens: And why that's OK.

In the past few months I've come under a lot of ridicule for the title of my blog. I was confronted rather harshly by a couple of loved ones and it sometimes still confounds me.

Today was a bad day. I woke up to two of my children rowdily getting out of bed (which they are not allowed to do) and thus awakening their baby brother who was in his big boy bed for his very first night. They woke him-and me- up an hour before we are accustomed to getting up. But because baby boy was awake I had to hop out of bed and get up there because he also just potty trained and I needed to get his night time diaper off so he could use the potty. Within the span of an hour I dealt with about 5 meltdowns from over-tired children, a dog that was insisting on trying to dig holes in the yard and eat his own poop, a few huge spills (two of which were the dog and included him grabbing a full cup of smoothie and tossing it up into the air where it hit the wall and splattered all over himself, the wall, and the floor and the other of which was a half drank bottle of kefir, which he enjoyed immensely). By the time my husband got up I wanted to sob and was so tired I didn't know what to do with myself.

This evening my husband left for church and I sent the children upstairs to play. I read an article that I had seen linked to and had been wanting to check out because I'm always up for a good lashing that will remind me how selfish I am so I can try to repent more, be better, and therefore attain piety.....um, what? Yea, don't deny it, you know you are too:

http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/the-me-monster/

Thankfully I'm getting better at spotting these types of articles for what they are and turning to what Scripture actually says.

About the only thing I found truly helpful about the above link was the very last recommendation to counter one's own thoughts with God's Word. But my passages would look far different from hers. See how she beats herself down with more law? Law for law. She shares in depth a very deep and very hard personal struggle to the Law and how she was about nearly crushed from her need to find perceived perfection in the Amish faith and then how does she say she came out of it? Here was her before:

"What about me? I am tired! Furthermore, I want to raise my kids Amish; my husband won’t allow me to do this; what about my dreams? What about how I feel? They are my kids too! I have been through so much. I, I, I, and what about me, me, me” (notice the “ME” monster). That was my sin. Depression is selfish. When you are depressed, you are only thinking about yourself—about poor and unfortunate ME. I was seeking my own. "

And here is her solution to this problem:

"Once I got my focus off myself and onto what my purpose was, and onto Christ, it really made me get better. I had to start realizing that things could be worse. I had to start seeing things differently. I was really bad.....I want to be patient, to endure the hard times, and understand God’s perfect will and timing in the lives of others."

Hmmm....Do you see the problem here? I don't see any loss of the "me monster" she claims to have found to solve her problem.

My dear sisters, you cannot rid yourself of the "me monster". You simply cannot. You cannot stop hurting, you cannot stop muddling through the diapers and the laundry and the filth and the hardships...they (the hurting, the selfishness, the desire to be free from our burdens and sins) just aren't going to go away. They just aren't. The low pressure weather systems with the storms building up behind them kind of days that depress us (or at least me) are still going to come, the news is still going to show the insanity going on around the world that leads us to stare in horror and go, "What the hell?", and we are still going to yell sometimes, be as selfish as the naughtiest 2 year old sometimes, and just not have the energy to do more than throw sugar laden junk at our kids to get them to SIT DOWN AND BE QUIET sometimes. 

So what does God's Word say to us? Sisters, the secret when going through God's Word is not to apply law to law. Oh yes, those passages the author of the article shared are God's Inspired Word but did you see their context? Those passages are not written in the context of applying to the hurting, the broken, the law-sick person. Read through the entire Bible and you see that God never changes: He applies law to the unrepentant haters of God and GOSPEL to the hurting, despairing, but faith filled believers in Christ..So read these:

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, 7 casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you. 8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.9 Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. 10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. 11 To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 5:6-11 (emphasis mine)

"[13] Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. [14] For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. [15] For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. [16] Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. [17] So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. [18] For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. [19] For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. [20] Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. [21] So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. [22] For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, [23] but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. [24] Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? [25] Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. "(Romans 7:13-25 ESV)

"Some went down to the sea in ships,

doing business on the great waters;

24 they saw the deeds of the Lord,

his wondrous works in the deep.

25 For he commanded and raised the stormy wind,

which lifted up the waves of the sea.

26 They mounted up to heaven; they went down to the depths;

their courage melted away in their evil plight;

27 they reeled and staggered like drunken men

and were at their wits' end.

28 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,

and he delivered them from their distress.

29 He made the storm be still,

and the waves of the sea were hushed.

30 Then they were glad that the waters were quiet,

and he brought them to their desired haven." Psalm 107:23-30

Christ has died, Christ is Risen, Christ will come again. And HE will lift you up in due time. And in the mean time we keep on asking our children to forgive us, we forgive as we have been forgiven, and we drag our weary souls where He promises to be: His Word and His Body and Blood, and in the remembrance of our Baptisms. There we find strength for our souls and the courage to keep moving. He IS coming indeed! If there is one thing I hope my children learn from me it is that life is like the above Psalm. We will stagger and fall and be at our wits' end...but Jesus comes, He always comes. I hope my children always know we cannot save ourselves and we can never be good enough, Mommy certainly is not, but we are LOVED, we are FORGIVEN, and Christ gives us His Very Self and does not leave us as orphans. We are His, bought with His Blood, and it's OK to be sad, it's OK to have bad days, we forgive and keep on moving in Christ's help and Christ's joy. 

Peace be with you and Christ keep you.

One day at a time

I've been kind of avoiding this place lately. I'm not sure why. With spring and now summer like weather I have been very busy outside. I planted a large garden in early spring in a small greenhouse we set up and last weekend my husband and I spent the entire weekend taking the greenhouse down, tilling, planting, laying straw, building a fence around it, etc. It was a ton of work but so rewarding. I now have about 25 tomato plants growing (roma mostly) so that come harvest I can process and can salsa, home made ketchup, and spaghetti sauce. We eat a lot of all three so I want it to be home made and cheap!

We also re-landscaped our entire front garden. When we moved in 2 1/2 years ago, the garden had three MASSIVE shrubs and some bulbs that came up each year. Last summer we removed the largest shrub...with our van. We're cool like that. Then a few weeks ago my husband and his brother removed the other two with an ax and man muscle. So over the last few weeks I have planted over 50 bulbs around our 3/4 of an acre, most of them in the front garden, and we also planted two magnolia trees in the front and I laid about 20 bags of mulch. I'm pretty proud I've done all of this work while also being in the first and beginning of my second trimesters.

Today I spent the entire day out pulling weeds, tending my garden, and then I surprised my husband and seriously deep cleaned our garage and reorganized it. All of this I did by myself!

A lot of people have asked me if, now that I'm 16 weeks along, I am able to breathe easy and know everything will be OK with this baby. I can't help but laugh and sigh all at once. A dear friend of mine lost her baby at 38+ weeks. Even before my long run of losses, I was never the same after that. Of course now it runs much deeper but I do not think I will ever feel the same about pregnancy again. I will always until I am, God willing, able to hold the baby in my arms, be aware that at any moment the Lord could call my baby home. This is sobering, scary, gives me nightmares that I'm waking up hemorrhaging as I miscarry...and yet, those are just bad moments. I've had enough suffering in the last year plus to know that suffering is just suffering. Bad moments are just bad moments. Death is just death, but only because Jesus took what sin and the devil meant for our permanent destruction and swallowed it up with His own death.

Christ Jesus lay in death's strong bands,
For our offenses given.
But now at God's right hand He stands,
and brings us life from heaven.
Therefore let us joyful be,
and sing to God right thankfully,
loud sonds of Alleluia, Alleluia!

It was a strange and dreadful strife,
when life and death contended;
The victory remained with life,
the reign of death was ended.
Holy Scripture plainly saith,
that death is swallowed up by death
It's sting is lost forever,
Alleluia!

I don't know what the future holds. I am so thankful for this rest from loss but I know that even if the Lord were to call this baby home, He would sustain me and my family. But for now we are able to rejoice and thank God for this miracle, praying fervently for this child's baptismal day to come in due time and that this child and the rest of our children will be sustained and granted earthly lives full of joy in their service to Christ and His church.

The Big Picture

Yesterday morning I woke up in one of those confused stupors where I couldn't remember what day it was or what I needed to be doing and in those moments I forgot that I am pregnant. I sorted out things I knew until I was back in the present and then, once I remembered that I am pregnant, I also realized how 100% pregnancy absorbed I have been over the past few weeks. Obviously, this is understandable for someone that has been pregnant 6 times in a little over a year. And yet, waking up momentarily "not pregnant", also gave me a little glimpse at all the other things going on in my life right now that need my focus while this baby really does not as much. One of my sons is about to turn 6 this month and, of course, we also have Holy Week and Easter just a few short weeks away. My in laws are visiting later this month and then next month we have a Pastor's conference to attend and I have a church event to hostess. As the calendar moves on, we have more things filling it than open space and it has brought me back to more of a focus on what I have at this moment, not what I hope will be.

Right now little Genesis is tucked inside me hopefully all safe and sound. We pray daily, multiple times a day, as a family, for our sweet baby. And yet, there's also the reality that though this baby has been given into my body, he or she has not yet been given into my arms. So, I do what I can for this child: rest, try to eat through the all day nausea, and get moderate exercise, but, with warm weather approaching and a garden needing planting, well, I suppose there's only so much looking down one can do before you have to look up at the bigger picture.

During times of immense suffering and cross-bearing, it is far too easy to become trapped inside your own mind. Think of when you first feel a cold coming on. You notice it and think to yourself the things you should be doing to make sure it doesn't get out of hand. But by and large you are able to move outside of your suffering and go about the world around you. But then by the time the cold has progressed into that awful sensation of having rubber cement jammed into your sinuses and swallowing razor blades while fighting a terrible fever and aches, well, you are FORCED to fall away from the rest of the world and in on you and only you. The rest of the world falls away and in desperation your mind goes nuts for relief.

Now imagine if during this time you decided to do some soul searching. Here are the things you might soul search about: Were you eating well enough to begin with? Were you getting enough rest? Did you expose yourself to an illness you could have avoided? 

Now imagine if this was your 6th illness in a short period of time. Here are some questions that might follow then: (All of the above), Are you trying to be super woman in your life? Are you trying to prove something by over exerting yourself? What law are you fulfilling by working yourself to the point of illness?

But, of course, there's something wrong with this picture to the point of humor. First, none of the above may be true but observers may think they are simply because of your symptoms and your inability to speak clearly in your illness. But second, have you ever seen someone drastically ill with fever, searing pain, and the inability to breathe have the energy and/or ability to think these questions let alone have the power to comprehend them? No? 

Neither do the suffering. 

Gospel pants

Late this morning I stood in front of my armoire trying to decide if it was a blue jeans kind of day or a long skirt kind of day.

Many years ago my husband and I nicknamed my pants "Gospel pants" due to a lot of pressure at the seminary from well meaning soon-to-be pastors' wives to define our stance against feminism by only wearing feminine and modest clothing: which meant long skirts. So I stood there feeling very indecisive and instead reached for the blinds to let the sun in. As I did I had to gasp, for the first time since early December, my baby girl's head stone stared up at me. "Hi mom!"

I don't know how long I stood there looking at her name staring up at me in the sunshine or even what I thought. Honestly I was paralyzed. All winter long she has been covered with a thick blanket of white and overnight that veil left.

I remember learning about the stages of grief in school on multiple occasions. But I think they missed one. What is it when you are just numb? When there is nothing left to feel or discuss because nothing will change and we have to trust that God is good? When you're embarrassed about the way you've grieved in the past year, ashamed of the lack of cheerful-happy-Christian-trust and ashamed of how you let grief hit you so hard?

My life is so full. It's full because of Christ. And as I said before, even if all is stripped away, Jesus is still Jesus.

Perhaps it's acceptance when you wake up, thanks to a couple friends that aren't afraid to ask hard questions, and realize life isn't about you or the past or your wretched inability to sail through grief gracefully.

So, I reached for my Gospel pants, stared at a picture of my dad for a moment, and left Anastasia's window.

Soul Adorn yourself with gladness,

Leave the gloomy haunts of sadness,

Come into the daylight's splendor,

There with joy your praises render.

Bless the one whose grace unbounded

This amazing banquet founded; He, though heavenly, high, and holy,

Deigns to dwell with you most lowly.

Jesus

Lately the hardest part of, what?, not infertility, as obviously I am not infertile, but, I don't know, being a house of death, is being an eye witness of my own flesh.

I can see the symptoms, feel them, but despite what I see and feel, there are no positive results. There are no answers that any test can see. I may as well be a lunatic because no amount of seeing or feeling provides answers or healing but instead leaves my Doctor eyeing me wearily.

This leaves me, yet again, completely alone. It leaves me trapped inside a body of death. It leaves me watching helplessly, knowing something isn't right, and begging God fiercely to overcome the failure of my flesh for the sake of my children.

The awful thing about my symptoms is that they aren't symptoms that are causing me trouble or illness, symptoms that must be addressed for the sake of my own health, instead they are symptoms that seem to mock me, giant billboards that only I can see that serve to constantly remind me that my body is broken and will NOT protect my children, but will instead certainly discard them. The only purpose the symptoms seem to serve is to be a thorn in my flesh, a reminder that I am indeed handed over to this fate.

What is more, if it is not medicine that is failing me, it would then be finances.

I do not feel despair in this. I continue to do things I have been told to do, shots in the dark if you will. Instead, it is the reality of life.

Today, in Bible class, my husband spoke of when Uzza reached out to touch the ark of God and was immediately killed. It was not a punishment, it was reality. Just as it would not be a punishment handed out by the electric company if someone was killed by messing with a power line, so when Uzza piously reached out his hand to save the ark from falling, so it killed him simply because of what it was. Man is sinful, God is not, a sacrifice had not yet been given for the sins of the world that would allow man to preside in God's presence and God in man's. Therefore, when Uzza touched God, it killed him. Instantly. David turned it into an emotional affair, as humans often do, and was angry at God. But God cannot cease to be God simply to pamper human emotions.

My flesh will always fail. It is reality. If not here, then somewhere else. This does not express God's sentiments or affections towards me, it simply is the reality of being fallen.

Sometimes this causes me great grief, but other times it simply causes me to rush to God's Word and His sacraments. Those sacraments and that Word speak truth to all of my parts and remind me that the fight is not about me or my flesh, it is about Christ and His free salvation. It is about life that is mine. Children are indeed blessings, but they are not mandatory. If everything I own and all that are dear to me were swept away, Jesus is still Jesus.

My body is broken. What of it? My children are dead. What of it? A greater reality exists and is indeed the actual reality. Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again.

And when He does, all of these things that seem so real (that is, the things that seem eternal because of the nature of our current existence) will not be real anymore. They are not real now, in that they are not eternal. Jesus, He is real. He makes us real. And He comforts, consumes, and takes away all of the things that are not real, but instead are a product of being fallen, and behold, we are a new creation. Forever.

photo credit

Self made prison

I'm in this awful place right now where I don't want to receive comfort from anyone. It's selfish and stupid and it makes me tired of myself. I want to tell myself to shut up and hop to it. I wish my Dad was around to give me a "kick in the pants".

I want to be angry. I want to grieve until I have nothing left and am just a heap on the floor. And, dude, we should totally go back to those days where it's normal to tear your clothes when you're shocked and grieving. I bet that felt good.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if this is ever going to stop. I want to despair and see if He will come for me.

But all of that is just selfishness. So I get up, make my bed, and hop to it.

Spring is coming. Even in the pit of grief, it is coming.

photo credit: me

The only thing

“May the peace of God be with you," she says, her voice low, "even in the midst of trouble."
"Why would it?" I say softly, so no one else can hear. "After all I've done..."
"It isn't about you," she says. "It is a gift. You cannot earn it, or it ceases to be a gift.” 
― Veronica Roth, Insurgent

At first glance this quote, from the second book of the Divergent series, seems simple enough. But in order to realize that it isn't you have to know the character who questions God's love. Tris, a young girl of 16, is a pro at trapping herself inside her own emotions and assuming that the world plays out accordingly. 

There are many emotions that come when you have to step away and realize that God is not controlled by your emotions or your intentions or your desires. He is not a product of those things; He is not encouraged by them. He is not threatened by them. He is not defined by them. He is above them and before them. 

You cannot control God. You cannot get what you want from Him by wanting it bad enough or crying for it enough or being broken enough. You cannot mimic people of the Scriptures and assume that the reason things played out for them the way they did is because of their actions or lack thereof. 

The only thing you can do, THE ONLY THING, is die completely to yourself and then trust. And the only way these two things will happen is by the grace and mercy of God, of His own accord. 

But the good news is, this God man, the one who is not motivated or controlled by your emotions or desires, well, He is the one who did this: 

And He loves you with an everlasting love. Always. Always and forever. And though we flail like pathetic helpless children, still He loves us and somehow He saves us from ourselves. 

Despised

Do you ever feel like you've turned into a cynical, depressed, and angry version of yourself? Because 4 kids in less than 6 years and 9 moves kind of has a way of bringing out exhaustion. And then you get even angrier because of course it's not exactly popular nowadays to be angry or depressed.

Over the past year I spent a lot of time pondering the many verses in Scripture that talk about Christ being despised. Here are some that come to mind:

For he grew up before him like a young plant,

and like a root out of dry ground;

he had no form or majesty that we should look at him,

and no beauty that we should desire him. He was despised and rejected by men;

a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief;

and as one from whom men hide their faces

he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

Surely he has borne our griefs

and carried our sorrows;

yet we esteemed him stricken,

smitten by God, and afflicted.

But he was pierced for our transgressions;

he was crushed for our iniquities;

upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,

and with his wounds we are healed.

All we like sheep have gone astray;

we have turned—every one—to his own way;

and the Lord has laid on him

the iniquity of us all. (Isaiah 53:2-6, ESV)

"The true light, which gives light to everyone, was coming into the world. He was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world did not know him. He came to his own, and his own people did not receive him. But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.

And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth."(John 1:9-14, ESV)

The despisal is not just for Christ, but for His followers as well. We see it happening in explicit ways in foreign countries where Christians are martyred but we also see it happening right here in our own country. We see it when rights to free speech are taken away and jobs are lost, even temporarily, due to peaching Christ. We see it when small business owners are forced to do things against their will and beliefs, like a wedding cake shop owner being forced to make wedding cakes for homosexual couples, or face punishment. We see it when we are labeled as discriminating and unloving or even hateful for confessing that ungodly living is unacceptable.

But this doesn't surprise us. Sometimes it sneaks up on us and threatens to cause us despair, but we knew all along it would be like this.

But in my own little corner of the world it hits in a way I didn't expect.

Some Christians prefer the "be happy all the time, they will know we are Christians by "our love"" tactic. They say if you are filled with the love of Christ you will speak positively all the time and FEEL positively. They are quick to chastise their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ for not being welcoming enough, loving enough, or smiling enough. They say if we are loving people and Christ enough that not only will our churches grow but our own pocket books and personal success will as well. This is called the "Theology of Glory". Some Theology of Glory pioneers are names like Rick Warren and Beth Moore. Basically, the theology of glory is a way of looking at not only faith but life as well. Rather than looking at pain and suffering square on and acknowledging it, they prefer to overcome it, deny it, or gloss over it. They see the cross as necessary but insofar as it is a means to an end of pain and death and they can get on with their lives of good works and happiness.

And then there's the sour-pusses like me. We love by dragging ourselves to the Means of Grace: by being baptized, by baptizing our infants, by catechizing our children and by receiving the Lord's Supper. The Law is seemingly in abundance in our lives because we know it is through the Law that we are brought to repentance, humility, and ultimately to Absolution, that is, forgiveness, and the ability to be prodded on by the Holy Spirit to holy living and service to others so that we can continue to see our sin and repent. We look at the law because it acknowledges what we already feel and see:  brokenness, inability, hurt, and defeat. And once we see this there is only Jesus left. In other Words, it is not glorious, it is not pretty, and...it has "no form or majesty that we should look at Him, no beauty that we should desire Him" but He is our very salvation and hope.

The ironic thing about theology of glory and theology of the cross is that the theology of glory wears a costume depicting itself as the theology of the cross. In other words, the theology of glory wears the costume of grace and love when in reality all it offers is law and brokenness which is what followers of the theology of glory claim the theology of the cross is all about. Let's go to a visual now: Here is a visual of a word cloud made from a free online sermon by Rick Warren:

Some of the words that stand out for the above word cloud are: God (what God?), want, just, feelings, burnout, going, focus, start, today, like, everything, make, work, control, get, know, and responsible.

And here is a word cloud made from a free online sermon from a confessional LCMS Pastor:

 Some of the words that stand out from this word cloud are: Christ, Kingdom, Holy, humility, Son, Cleansed, Father, Angels, Jesus, Brothers, Father, Communion, Pray, Given, Faith, Rejoice, Watch, Belong, and Dependent.

The first is full of verbs (action words): want, go, focus, start, like, work, control, make, get, and know.

The second is full of nouns (person, place, or thing) and adjectives (descriptive words): All of the above. There are only three verbs that stand out: Rejoice, Pray, and Watch. NOT: go, do, be, and on and on.

You don't have to go, do, be because Christ IS. In other words, the theology of the cross happens TO US and IN SPITE OF US. It drags us kicking and screaming through the muck and hell of this life, through our tears, our death, our illness, our brokenness, and brings us to the font, to the altar, and to the pew where our heart and ears are in-dwelt with God through His living Word.

Then Moses said to God, “If I come to the people of Israel and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ what shall I say to them?” God said to Moses, “I am who I am.” And he said, “Say this to the people of Israel, ‘I am has sent me to you.’” God also said to Moses, “Say this to the people of Israel, ‘The Lord, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, has sent me to you.’ This is my name forever, and thus I am to be remembered throughout all generations. (Exodus 3:13-15, ESV)

There are some that will despise you. They profess to be Christians but theology of glory spews from their mouths at every turn. When I have suffered this past year some of them have offered their token, but very hands off, bid of sympathy but then they were as far away and unreachable as possible. When I faced my grief head on by giving birth to my dead baby instead of having the baby sucked out of me and disposed of, they ignored me. When I took pictures of that tiny body, so fearfully and wonderfully made, they looked away. And when my husband and I gave our babies a Christian burial complete with head stones to mark their graves, they scoffed. One went so far as to mock me for "dwelling" on my loss rather than "rejoicing and moving on".

For a year now I have hidden myself in embarrassment, wondering if they were right and if something was wrong with me. I have tried to pull myself together to converse with them as a happy, cheerful person only to find myself wanting to shout and scream when they don't even so much as mention my tears and loss.

But in brokenness Christ comes with healing. For He Himself was "A man of sorrows, acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces He was despised." 

Create in me a clean heart, O God,

and renew a right spirit within me.

Cast me not away from your presence,

and take not your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation,

and uphold me with a willing spirit.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways,

and sinners will return to you.

Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,

O God of my salvation,

and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.

O Lord, open my lips,

and my mouth will declare your praise.

For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;

you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;

a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. (Psalm 51:10-17, ESV) (emphasis mine)