These are the best years of your life.

I know they are right. And there are moments and days where I relish it full well.

If only they, and I, and the world around us were not so entrenched in sin in our being, perhaps it would be realized to its fullest extent.

Then again Grandma years are looking better and better...

If God gives you a break...

I had been in labor for 9 hours. I was 8 1/2. But...I had started at 5. 3 1/2 cm in 9 hours. And before that 4 weeks of complete bed rest in a one room house with a 2 year old while my husband was on vicarage. Oh yea, and the bed rest started Holy Week.  Sounds like the start to some cheesy seminary horror movie the sem wives would watch. ha.

Anyways, labor had finally started but suddenly, 9 hours in...it stopped. Completely. I looked around in confusion. 5 minutes before contractions had been just a couple minutes apart and I hadn't been able to think straight from exhaustion and lack of food in the previous 12 hours. But suddenly I felt hyper aware and labor felt as far away as the day the test first turned positive. No one else in the room seemed concerned. Finally someone said to me, "Honey, when God gives you a break, you don't ask why, you just enjoy it!" I was encouraged to get up and walk around, eat, and check out my surroundings. I left the room and was eating a bowl of yogurt. My labor team, which consisted of my husband, a doula, my midwife's daughter, and my midwife, all visited and laughed. I joined in and still secretly panicked. What if this baby never came out?! But I tried to relax, enjoy the moment, and eat.

I've been turning this experience over in my head the past week or so. For the past 66 days I have thought each and every day of how I "should still be pregnant". I have calculated how far along I would be, imagined the kicks I would be feeling, even looked at previous pregnancy photos to imagine how I would look. I should still be pregnant. Except....I shouldn't. Because I'm not.

We like to play God. We like to be entitled. To have rights. Certain unalienable rights.

But what about when you don't?

None.

Oh, except death.

Listen up quiverfullers, women perpetually parturitioning, etc...I have a confession to make. I'm one of those women that doesn't just do it because I believe it is in line with God's Word to be open to the blessings of my one flesh union as He creates them in me. I actually WANT it. A big family. Tons of kids. Oh sure there have been days, weeks, and even seasons of my life since that first little bundle joined us years ago that I have had doubts...but deep underneath I have dreamed of having 7, no 10, no 12, how many years of fertility to I have left again? I'm not kidding. My friends in high school used to tease me about being a masochist. That makes me chuckle now. I don't know, I guess I've always thrived on chaos. And 4 little boys definitely do that.

I don't know why I have not had children closer together. I don't know why I have any at all. I don't know why two of them are in heaven instead of here with me. But I do know, finally,  that I do not have any control whatsoever over my body giving me babies when I want them or being able to keep them alive.

I may never have kids again. I could be gone tomorrow. My entire family could. But I have learned something in reliving my second born's birth... I am NOT supposed to be pregnant right now. I can stop saying "I SHOULD still be pregnant." Because I'm not. And I shouldn't be.

I refuse to live my worth in what I think I want to be, what I think I should be, what I think will give me value, what I think will make me important, what I think will make people admire me or like me or be proud of me. Because I do not have any more control over the latter than I do over getting pregnant and as for the formers...No one who chases their worth in things of this world...EVEN if those things are blessings from God Himself, no one will ever be fulfilled. Indeed they, indeed I, am guilty of idolatry.

My value is in Christ. My worth is in Him. My worth is seen in His death on the cross. His only expectation of me is to Love the Lord my God with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my strength, and to love my neighbor as myself. And even better is, He gives me the strength to do it.

If you're wondering how that birth story ended, well let's just say he's just as stubborn today as he was 5 years ago, but so is his mama. :)

Whew!

I have so much to share about our Holy Week and Easter celebration today but first a note about my 3rd born who is 3 right now.

If you've never had a 3 year old boy before, the only thing that I can think of to describe them is this.

Life with my 3 year old is like living in a monkey cage at the zoo. He is sweet and wild, loving and angry. Angry in a wild man cub type way. So I was a little worried going into Holy Week knowing we would be attending church 4 times...

He did great the first two services and then by service #3 (Good Friday) he was a little done. Thankfully there was ANOTHER 3 year old boy in the pew right in front of us (the second pew from the front in the church). Why thankfully? Because it took SOME of the show away from us. It went something like this:

Moment of silence

boy 1 (mine): WHEN will it be OOOOVVVEEERRR?????

boy 2 (not mine): I HATE CHURCH!

boy 1 : WHHEEEN will it be OOOVVEEERR???

boy 2: I HATE CHURCH!

Now I didn't even hear this little boy saying these things because I was too busy being overwhelmed by my own 3 and 1 yr olds but his mother told me later when trying to comfort me for my own child's behavior. What is funniest is that these two boys were  both sons of church staff. Both boys are very much raised in the church, disciplined to proper behavior, etc but, well, they are 3.

Do you have a child that is driving you nuts in church? Yes, do train them. Yes, practice at home with lots of devotional time where they are trained in how we sit in God's house. But more importantly, remember that they are sinners. They will always be sinners on this side of heaven. You are a sinner. You will always be a sinner on this side of heaven. No amount of training/discipline/personal example will make them perfect. Ever.

So take a deep breath, dig in to your Easter candy, and keep on keepin on. And maybe invest in some climbing wall time. Perhaps it will keep your 3 yr old occupied for a few minutes.

3 yr olds and food.

"Mama, what are you eating? Is that rattlesnake?"

"You think this is rattlesnake? I can see why you would, it's long and thin, but no, this is a chicken wing that I broke to open it up so I could get to the meat. So that's why it's long and thin."

"I think it's a rattlesnake."

"hehe, OK, you can call it a rattlesnake."

30 min after Anastasia's burial...

"Mommy? If you drink really dirty water...will you die?"

ummm....

Thankfully I got to him BEFORE he drank the extremely old liquid-the identity of which one can only guess- he found in a sippy cup that was hiding in the abyss of our van for how long....we have no idea. And people, it's not like I don't seriously clean out our van every few months, how this cup remained hidden is beyond me.

Guilty Pleasures

Hershey Kisses, a york peppermint pattie because there was only one left, a few dark chocolate m&ms, a glass of Pepsi and Everybody Loves Raymond. And now you know something about me you may not have known unless you've talked to me in person for a few minutes. I love chocolate and I can quote Everybody Loves Raymond for nearly any situation...and situations where maybe I shouldn't. ;)

E.T. phone home. ;) 11-10-11 

When it rains it pours

Last night my husband and I got to go on a glorious date. My brother in law, who is preparing to go to seminary in a year and a half, is single (any of you dear Lutheran friends with single little sisters? ;) and is seriously one of the most selfless guys ever, came over to babysit.

We left and headed to Cheesecake Factory and of course there was a long, though not too long, wait. 45 minutes. It would have been fine but I was feeling claustrophobic and hot and weak. I kept turning and looking at the crowded bar when suddenly two seats opened up side by side. My husband and I made our way over and took the seats. For the next 45 minutes we enjoyed a couple drinks and were able to, finally, really talk. It was amazing. No interruptions, no it being so late we couldn't keep our eyes open...just us and dimmed lights and talking.

Just as we were finishing up our conversation our buzzer went off and we were taken to an 8 person booth all for us!! We had appetizers, amazing meals, and of course, cake. We talked more and when the meal ended headed over to the mall to walk and just enjoy being alone.

I'm so thankful God gave us that night. It ended with devotions in bed and both of us crying, well, me sobbing, but it ended with hope and prayers for mercy.

In the middle of the night I woke up feeling hot and cold all at once. I thought, oh no, is this going to be it? Nope, I have the stomach virus my kids came down with the day after we found out our baby had died.

So later this morning my husband comes in and feels my feverish head and I'm trying not to moan from the body aches and he does this half laugh half cry sound and says, "Oh my word dear, I'm just SO sorry!" I wanted to crack up laughing if it wouldn't have hurt so much...it IS kind of funny how when it rains it pours.

Two weeks after my Dad died in a plane crash my senior year of high school I came home from being out with friends to my mom sobbing. She had been trying to take our Christmas tree down. Yea, our Christmas tree was named Goliath...for a reason. And my mom (stepmom) is less than 5 ft tall! Well, it didn't go so well. It tipped, almost crushing her, seriously what on earth was she thinking?! Some guys from church came to help haul it out but it left a trail of pine needles about two inches thick. It looked like we had pine needle carpet. So I come home to her sobbing and trying to clean it up and sent her to bed and spent two hours cleaning it up. Well, the next day it's dinner time and suddenly there's this deafening crash in the front dining room as a rock comes flying through our front window. I used the Lord's name in vain and I ducked thinking someone was trying to break in and then stood up just in time to see some kids take off running. Well, I'm a fast runner. Or at least was. So I took off after them. I chased them all the way to their houses. They didn't know that I was following. Seconds after they got inside the house I was ringing the doorbell. Their parents answered and I was crying and kind of freaking out as I told them what had happened. Let's just say they took care of it, and those kids. I got home and announced my triumph when my mom screamed. She had walked around the corner to find the garbage can tipped in our kitchen and a garbage trail to the backyard. In came our dogs covered, I MEAN COVERED in green and yellow paint from one of my little siblings school projects. We just laughed until we cried. Then bathed the dogs.

I suppose when there's nothing left to do sometimes laughter is the best option.

overheard

The 3 yr old to the 4 yr old:

We DO NOT TOOT on JESUS on the CROSS!!!!

Sometimes it's better to just not go into the room. Or ask questions.