Whew!

I have so much to share about our Holy Week and Easter celebration today but first a note about my 3rd born who is 3 right now.

If you've never had a 3 year old boy before, the only thing that I can think of to describe them is this.

Life with my 3 year old is like living in a monkey cage at the zoo. He is sweet and wild, loving and angry. Angry in a wild man cub type way. So I was a little worried going into Holy Week knowing we would be attending church 4 times...

He did great the first two services and then by service #3 (Good Friday) he was a little done. Thankfully there was ANOTHER 3 year old boy in the pew right in front of us (the second pew from the front in the church). Why thankfully? Because it took SOME of the show away from us. It went something like this:

Moment of silence

boy 1 (mine): WHEN will it be OOOOVVVEEERRR?????

boy 2 (not mine): I HATE CHURCH!

boy 1 : WHHEEEN will it be OOOVVEEERR???

boy 2: I HATE CHURCH!

Now I didn't even hear this little boy saying these things because I was too busy being overwhelmed by my own 3 and 1 yr olds but his mother told me later when trying to comfort me for my own child's behavior. What is funniest is that these two boys were  both sons of church staff. Both boys are very much raised in the church, disciplined to proper behavior, etc but, well, they are 3.

Do you have a child that is driving you nuts in church? Yes, do train them. Yes, practice at home with lots of devotional time where they are trained in how we sit in God's house. But more importantly, remember that they are sinners. They will always be sinners on this side of heaven. You are a sinner. You will always be a sinner on this side of heaven. No amount of training/discipline/personal example will make them perfect. Ever.

So take a deep breath, dig in to your Easter candy, and keep on keepin on. And maybe invest in some climbing wall time. Perhaps it will keep your 3 yr old occupied for a few minutes.

Shattered Hopes

This is the first time in my life I have been utterly overjoyed it is Holy Week. Because this week I will not be alone in my mourning. Tears in church will be understood. It is the week of shattered hopes: hopes of those who thought Jesus was here to establish a new earthly kingdom, hopes of those who loved Jesus as a son or brother, hopes of those who loved Him as a dear friend, and hopes of those who believed He was the Son of God. 

But how does the Son of God die? They had to have wondered.

Hopes are shattered every day. Spouses die, jobs are lost, loved ones or even you are overcome with illness...babies go home to heaven before they even take their fist breath.

I'm supposed to be 18 weeks pregnant today. I would be laughing with my husband saying, "Can you believe we're almost half way there?! This baby is going to be here before we know it!" I would have more energy than I did just a few weeks ago and I would be at the only point in my pregnancy where I feel like I'm not fat or shamu, just pregnant. Instead, my womb is empty and my body is reminding me of that fact. Thanks be to God I have a husband that buys me fudge. 

Our Christian brothers and sisters who lived the first Holy Week are not strangers to shattered hopes, to death, and to utter hopelessness. God not only left them, He left them in death. And yet the miracle of it all is that God transcends death, His power goes beyond it, and His followers were sustained.

So this week we mourn for ourselves, as Jesus told the women who followed him weeping to do. We weep and mourn until we have no breath left. We feel all of our hopes shatter and every passed month without our loved ones, without our health, without jobs, without our babies rip out our insides. 

We repent.

And then...we wait.

For Christ is coming as He said.

Thank you Hope Rocks, Anastasia's stone is so beautiful.

Vacations for the Pastor's family

Now that we don't have a baby coming this year to plan vacation time for, we have some vacation time to work with. Last summer we used it to go to Florida to see my family. It was an amazing trip. However, every year since leaving college we have used all his breaks from seminary and vacation time since leaving seminary to go see family. We have never taken a family vacation other than a couple sight seeing things we did over night when we lived in Nebraska.

So now we're looking at having at least a whole week we can do something with. Obviously it can't be expensive. At all. I do like camping, but it's also a lot of work...esp with four boys. Basically I would be doing nothing but meal planning, cooking, and cleaning up from meals. I need some creative ideas.

What I don't want is somewhere where there's nothing to see or do. After Christmas we stayed in a member's guest house for two nights but it never got above 5 deg while we were there. So while it was so nice to be away and have no house chores to do...we were just in someone else's house alone.

What does your family do for vacations?

Home schooling from the eyes of a 7 yr old

The other day someone said something to my oldest son and indirectly to me that I found insulting not only to him but to my abilities as a home schooler. I felt it insulted my son's intelligence and my own hard work at teaching him. The person was trying to be sweet but came across like complimenting a 7 yr old for knowing how to walk.

Today I was sharing my frustration with a dear friend who also home schools her children and I was getting support for my own insecurities from her when I saw my son listening. I did not want him to think I was seeking to talk badly about the person who had made the comments.

After I got off the phone I called my son to me and said, "I just want to talk about what you heard me say. I want you to know that I am not mad at this person and was not trying to talk badly about this person but I was upset because I felt like this person was saying you were not smart or that I was doing a bad job of teaching you. Sometimes home schooled kids are seen as not as smart as kids that go to school because we do things differently and that is not true."

My son said he knew the person was not saying he isn't smart and asked why I didn't share my frustration with the person. I explained it wasn't an appropriate place and that I didn't want to hurt the person's feelings. He agreed. Then after a thoughtful moment he said, "Mom, I think maybe home schooled kids often aren't as smart as school kids. Those kids spend all day in a desk and probably learn more and maybe learn it faster. BUT they also learn a lot of really bad things that aren't in the Bible, AND they learn a lot of bad things from each other.  I see it in the neighbor boys behind us who are always singing naughty songs and using naughty words even when I ask them to stop. I think it's OK if I'm not as smart as they are right now because I'm learning what is really important."

So there you have it. My job is done. ;)

As Holy Week draws near.

The older I get the more the darkness deepens. I understand why Christ was a Man of many sorrows and why He wept. I'm not depressed, I'm just aware. People aren't comfortable with grief, with deep sorrow, and with someone that is quite fine to admit she doesn't care to make any of them feel better by being happy when bad things happen or life gets heavy or sin snuffs out yet another life too soon. The Christian life is about survival. It's about endurance. It's about breathing, even when God is dead, like Mary, John, and the others at the cross had to do when He died. It's about waiting for the resurrection and knowing, even when you can't see Him, that His power is stronger than even His own death and that He always...ALWAYS keeps His promises.

Come Soon Lord Jesus.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to His great mercy, He has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen Him, you love Him. Though you do not now see Him, you believe in Him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

(1 Peter 1:3-9 ESV)

This afternoon my 4 yr old was complaining about having to attend another church service, which made our 3rd service of the day. Well, I suppose we were only at the second half of the early service this morning, but anyways, I thought for a moment and then said, "Well, bud, this is a very special time in the church year, Lent, when we remember Jesus and His long journey to the cross. We go to church to remember, to pray, to learn, and to be strengthened in our faith with His gifts so that we can stand firm against the Devil as we prepare to celebrate Jesus' resurrection from the dead."

At that he beamed and said, "Oh! And so we can wait for Jesus' coming in glory when He will raise Anastasia Joy out of her grave!"

My mouth dropped and I said, "Jesus' coming in glory?"

"uh huh! We learned about it in Sunday School! Mama, is Easter when Jesus is coming in glory to get Anastasia from her grave?"

"No, sweet boy, we don't know when Jesus is coming back for us, but He has promised He will and on Easter we see that He always keeps His promises."

My sweet boy.

Then, after the service tonight there was a dinner and a fellow pastor's wife was there with her new four month old little girl. I saw her go up in line to get her food and, as I was finished eating, I approached her to ask if I could hold her baby while she ate. She handed her to me and though I had felt no emotion while going to her, when I took her sleeping baby in my arms I had to bite my tongue to keep from sobbing. I walked towards the back of the room with my back turned away and let some tears slip. She was so beautiful! So precious and tiny. Such a miracle. Her tiny nose, that newborn skin freckled with those tiny white bumps, her sweet eyelashes and delicate little lips, and her hands which she had folded as if in prayer the entire time I was holding her. She felt so warm and sweet in my arms and for a moment, I was holding Anastasia. 

As my sister in Christ came back for her daughter our eyes filled up with tears together and in that moment I was overflowing with thankfulness for the Church, for my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. Because when one of us suffers, we do not have to look far to see God's love, God's miracles, and proof that we are still alive as a body of Christ. None of our children are really ours anyways, they are children of God. And so, to hold one of God's tiny miracles, well, it was like she was put into my arms for a few moments so I could see that even in the dead of winter, God is life and salvation. Thank you so much friend for sharing her with me.

3 yr olds and food.

"Mama, what are you eating? Is that rattlesnake?"

"You think this is rattlesnake? I can see why you would, it's long and thin, but no, this is a chicken wing that I broke to open it up so I could get to the meat. So that's why it's long and thin."

"I think it's a rattlesnake."

"hehe, OK, you can call it a rattlesnake."

30 min after Anastasia's burial...

"Mommy? If you drink really dirty water...will you die?"

ummm....

Thankfully I got to him BEFORE he drank the extremely old liquid-the identity of which one can only guess- he found in a sippy cup that was hiding in the abyss of our van for how long....we have no idea. And people, it's not like I don't seriously clean out our van every few months, how this cup remained hidden is beyond me.

Until we meet again.

O Lord Jesus Christ, by Your three-day rest in the tomb You hallowed the graves of all Your children, promising resurrection to our mortal bodies. Bless this grave and grant that the body of this child may sleep here in peace until you awaken her to glory, when she will see You face to face and know the splendor of the eternal God, for you live and reign with the Father and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen

So is it with the resurrection of the dead. What is sown is perishable; what is raised is imperishable. It is sown in dishonor; it is raised in glory. It is sown in weakness; it is raised in power. It is sown a natural body; it is raised a spiritual body. If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body.

(1 Corinthians 15:42-44 ESV)

When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:

“Death is swallowed up in victory.”

“O death, where is your victory?

O death, where is your sting?”

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

(1 Corinthians 15:54-57 ESV)

Until we meet again sweet baby.

Stop it

A friend and sister in Christ just this week said to me in an email, "remember what He's promised and what He hasn't.....He promised to save you and your babies from sin and death. That's it."

I couldn't help but think of THIS VIDEO as I pondered not only the discussion she and I had but also the entire post miscarriage experience so far.

I'll wait while you go watch it. 

..........

:-D

:-p

$-O (like my new sunglasses?)

done?

I was inundated so much with modern psychology personal self esteem, well being, etc etc nonsense as a kid in public school that it amazes me I'm functioning at all. Because when one's whole job every day is to fight for the top spot, fight for the most friends, and when one is lectured to get top grades and when parents applaud standing out and doing what they view as positive things to draw attention to yourself...and when it's all for the reason of being able to buy whatever you want and have a pampered "successful" life...how can you not end up an over indulged, hyper competitive, anorexic feminist woman who can't keep a relationship going because you're too busy obsessing over yourself and in therapy a million times a week because it's all about you and you feeling "good about yourself"? gag

But by the Grace of God.

Walking this road of losing a child in the womb far enough along to be able to hold the baby and go through an entire 12 weeks of being sick, well, it was very tempting to allow past experiences creep in. 

But the thing is, there's really only two things to say.

It's not "stop it" though that was kind of funny.

1. Repent.

2. Receive Absolution. 

God has not promised long life. He has not promised health. He has not promised happiness. Contrary to our country's perceived rights we Christians know we do NOT have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. We only have Christ and Him crucified to redeem us. And that is enough.

I would love to wallow and cry and whine and beg for help. But the thing is, none of it will do any good. I've been to mainstream therapy a ton as a kid when my divorced parents were having issues and the only thing it does is drive you in on yourself and make you think the rest of the world is there to serve you and make you feel happy about yourself. (gag again)

Repent. 

Receive Holy Absolution.

Why? Because Confession and Absolution is the one place where the church takes you in its lap personally and compassionately and restores you. In the forgiveness of Christ you can walk on, one step, one breath at a time. No, life is not happy. No, it does not feel good. But yes, Jesus is catching every tear and one day, they will all be wiped away. 

Christ keep you.

I find myself grasping for control of things that are at least easier to pretend I have control of to make up for the thing I could not control, or at least to distract myself from it.

I miss my baby. So much. I even miss being sick for her.

I'm so thankful for my husband. I have the strongest, most compassionate, most understanding husband in the whole world.

One weekend in college my husband invited me to go skiing with his home congregation's youth group. He was a volunteer leader of the group and they needed him to help lead devotions and chaperone. I was told I could room with the female DCE and help with the girls. I agreed.

When we arrived we went straight to the slopes. I had not been skiing since I was 6. Even though we weren't officially seeing each other, he walked me through the check in process step by step making sure I knew what I was doing and was taken care of.

After a morning of bunny slopes I was finally ready for some bigger hills. My husband found me and invited me to join him. We spent the entire afternoon skiing larger and larger hills. We had so much fun. He always skied beside or behind me to make sure I was safe. Finally, towards the end of the day, we rode a lift to the top of the "mountain" (it was smaller skiing...not really classifiable as a mountain :) and my husband was going to go down one side that was a black while I went down the green...or whichever is below black. His entrance was first and he said he would watch me go down first on my side. I said, trying to show I was fine and he didn't have to be so nice, "No, go ahead, seriously, I'm fine." I skied off confidently towards my hill. I looked back to see him heading to his so I got ready and went. Everything was going great at first. But then I saw a steeper swerve off to the right that would get me to the bottom of his part of the hill faster and decided to brave it. I don't even remember what happened but the next thing I knew I was on my back going head first down the hill much faster than I thought possible. When I stopped I didn't move trying to make sure I was still alive and then as I tried to sit up I realized one of my skis was gone and I was only half way down the hill. Suddenly a hand was reaching down to help me up with an extra ski in his other hand. I couldn't believe he had waited for me to start and then skied over to make sure I was OK. And that is when I knew I would marry him.

He's still like that today. He's proud of my strengths and abilities and traits, but he also knows it is his job to be Christ to me, to love me, protect me, provide for me, and lead and guide me in the faith. And honestly, I never knew it was possible to have such a representation in this life of the love of the Lord.

Hope Rocks

Today I called a small family owned business in Nebraska to order a memorial stone for our baby. sigh. This never gets normal and never feels good.

The design for her stone I like has a cross at the top with wedding bands intertwined at the bottom...after all, departed or not she is a blessing of our one flesh union. On either side will be ivy vines.

Under the decorations at the top will be her name, Anastasia Joy, followed by her birthday 2-18-13.

At the very bottom will be a small hand print.

The family that owns the business is a Christian family that had 4 boys and then a daughter and they are expecting again. They also homeschool. But even further, she also suffered a miscarriage when her fourth son was 1!! It was crazy how similar our stories are. I am so thankful I found them online, can support a family business, and I will share pictures of the stone she and her husband design.

Here is their website: www.hoperocks.com

And yea, hope DOES rock. :)

Blogs

I love blogs. Not my own. Selfishly I do my own for therapy. When I was a kid I had about 50 million diaries. I love writing, I always have, and writing is how I process, organize, and order my thoughts and life. Since I despise my handwriting, seriously it's horrible, blogging seemed like a perfect outlet.

So tonight I wanted to share some of my favorite blogs. I do not know these people in person* (as I have several favorite blogs of people I do know in person, I'll share those another time) nor do I know anyone acquainted with the authors. I found these blogs randomly all several years ago as I followed a rabbit trail from blog to blog to blog. I do that sometimes...click on a blog in a sidebar of someone I actually know but then continue clicking sidebars until I'm so far gone on the trail that I have no idea who the person is or where they live or...anything about them!

Here are my favorites:

www.erikandkatekrull.blogspot.com

This blog is about a sweet family that lives in the South. Kate is the mom, Erik the dad, and they have 3 adorable children. Ella is the oldest, Lucy is next, and then Jack. Lucy, however, was diagnosed with a rare and quite aggressive form of cancer a couple years ago. I started following shortly after. It was been the most amazing miracle to behold as this little girl has been on death's door many times, one time so close her Mom and Dad had begun the funeral arrangements...even buying a dress for her to be buried in. My kids and I got so into following and praying for her that we all cried as we read during those days. My oldest son prayed for this little girl constantly. And wouldn't you know, God gave her a miracle and you should see her now! And if you want to see the days of the miracle unfolding, start here and then keep reading more recent posts in order...you won't believe the miracle and then you probably won't be able to stop reading. :)

www.nomnompaleo.com

I love food. I love looking at food. Awesome recipes, awesome pics, and funny sense of humor. 'Nough said. oh yea, and her recipes are safe for my second son who is allergic to all grains and dairy!

www.elanaspantry.com

Also food. Also amazing. She likes baking and sweets and so do I. :D

www.rebekahpinchback.blogspot.com

This woman is very very different from me theologically speaking. She is in a very charismatic church and my husband and I are confessional Lutherans. However, her story of adoption, which I began following years ago when she adopted her first child, is astounding. Really, a book and movie need to be written and produced. She is also a very talented writer, she paints with words like an artist paints with a brush. I've been hooked ever since I started reading several years ago.

www.veronking2003.blogspot.com

I was pointed to this blog by the previous blog a couple years ago when the author of this blog, who is friends with the author of the above blog, lost her husband in a tragic accident when he fell from his hunting tree stand due to a heart problem they didn't know he had. She was pregnant and due every soon after with their 3rd child. I sobbed so hard I had snot running down my face and was hiccuping as I traveled the weeks with her following her husband's death. It is my worst nightmare to lose my husband and watching my mom lose my father while grieving him myself...well, I hope I never have to lose anyone so dear to me ever again. BUT, even though this woman is also from quite a different theological place than I am, her story of recovery and new love has been amazing to watch.

So what about you? What are your favorite blogs of people you don't even know in real life? I love home schooling blogs, blogs about large families, food blogs, and more, so hook me up! :)

*I want to say also that this list does not include my favorite blogs of fellow Lutherans. I have several people I consider friends that I've never met in person but still consider myself as knowing them since we are connected in our faith and through other mutual friends or Lutheran bloggers that I do know in person. I will share those favorites later. :)