Something happened but life looks no different. Labor happened but there is no cosleeper next to my bed. It sits in a dark corner down in the basement.
I timed contractions on a piece of paper for two hours after I had already been having them for two hours and watched them go from 5-7 to 3-4 min apart. But there is no baby laundry.
I woke up to a new day and began to take care of my children and do chores with no baby to remind me to slow down and rest, no gurgling soft warm baby to coo me back to the couch to nurse.
My stomach is flat, my skinny jeans on, no hint that just days ago my fundal height was just finger tips away from my belly button. It's already vanished. Even the bleeding has nearly stopped thanks to high power drugs from the midwife to make sure everything was out.
Two weeks ago I had a living baby inside of me. Today it's as if nothing ever was.
A friend asked this morning how I was. I said "fine, just trying to get chores done and do lessons with the kids" she said, "good to hear".
Cause I guess when there's no proof for what I've done the past 14 weeks the only thing to do is just walk away.
But, Anastasia, I can still see your sweet face from my dream and even though no one can see you, I'm holding you and loving you even as I walk around empty armed.
After our Peter died my midwife told me that the grief would come in waves and to ride them. Weep when I needed, but not to force it either. It was the best advice from a medical professional that I have ever received. I am thanking God for your beautiful little girl, and weeping for your aching arms. I pray for peace and healing as you grieve and celebrate for Anastasia.
ReplyDeleteThank you Megan, that IS great advice...grieving and yet celebrating...so true. It totally does come in waves, rising then peaking then fizzling out just like contractions. Thank you for weeping with me, I too weep with you and long for our reunions with our children.
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