Today

Last night I slept all night long without waking up or being woken up. When I woke up this morning I made a decision to NOT GO THERE. I had things to do and I would put my mind to them and refuse to let myself go anywhere else. I started by taking a shower and shaving my legs. I scrubbed all over until I had new skin everywhere. While in the shower I made a mental list of everything that needed doing. I had to chuckle as I realized I was handling this the exact same way my mom always handled things that were shocking or tragic as I grew up. At first you react, freak out, grieve, whatever, but then you fly into action. I remember being in awe watching her fly around and when she got in that mode you better just stand back and let her do her thing.  She could move mountains when she was like that...or jump out of deep manholes, but that's a story for another day. That's how I was today.

I folded and put away my mountain of laundry, I cleaned the entire upstairs even cleaning out closets. I vacuumed and mopped the entire downstairs, dusted, cleaned the kitchen thoroughly and then bleached and cleaned the entire bathroom: shower, tub, toilet, floor, and sink. I even scrubbed the walls of the bathroom. I did all of this by noon. Then I made a list for the store, had lunch with my family, put the kids down for naps, and headed out to the store to get supplies.

I got some red raspberry tea to begin drinking like crazy to help my uterus with its work. I bought emergen-c to help give me a boost to drink while I'm laboring and after delivery. I also bought rescue remedy to take to help with the trauma of it all if I start to freak out from the bleeding. Then I headed to another store and bought stuff to deal with the mess, some chocolate for therapy, a few snacks, and then I found the most beautiful jewelry box to put my baby's body in. I found a larger white wooden box with glass in the lid to put the jewelry box inside of. The lid of the outside box looks like a cross. I'll take pictures later and post them. As I said the baby's body will go in the jewelry box and then on top of that a dear friend is crocheting a miniature cover. It will be white with a yellow/gold cross in the middle. I will drape the jewelry box in it and then place it all inside the wooden box for burial. I'm also going to have a garden stone made with the child's name and birth date engraved in it. If we ever move the stone will go with us.

So now the list is done and I'm going to try and enjoy some time with my husband when we get the kids in bed. We've started playing Sequence, the card/board game and we're going to get some custard.

Isn't it creepy how much this bears resemblance to preparation for labor at the end? Except I went from getting ready to start the second trimester to nesting and birth in one step. The cruel mockery of it all is just bizarre.

I also had to stop at the pharmacy to get something for if there's too much bleeding. The pharmacist was supposed to give me directions and she says, "hmm, ok, let's see, this is going to be for bleeding of some kind?" I said, "yes, for after I deliver my baby." She looked down at my very small tummy and cocked her head. I said, "oh, it's dead. I miscarried." Then I felt bad I had blurted it out and offered a sympathetic smile.

Bizarre is about the only word for all of this. Well that and horribly awful.