"Some went down to the sea in ships, doing business on the great waters; they saw the deeds of the Lord, His wondrous works in the deep. For he commanded and raised the stormy wind, which lifted up the waves of the sea. They mounted up to heaven; they went down to the depths; their courage melted away in their evil plight;
they reeled and staggered like drunken men and were at their wits' end. Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them from their distress. He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and he brought them to their desired haven." Psalm 107:23-30

Monday, February 18, 2013

Unexpected

My emotions have been very stable. I haven't cried. The baby didn't feel like mine because it was just so small.

But this evening I started smelling something...vernix...from a newborn baby's head. I looked around. I suddenly felt the feather bristle from a newborn's furry skin and head against my lips. I felt the warmth, the wrinkliness, I could feel the baby in my arms. I could feel myself kissing her head. As real as real.

My mom called. I'm thankful. I can still feel her, I can still smell her, but I'm hoping it's OK if I don't cry anymore for now because I just want to be OK and be OK for my kids. I want to try and be happy for my babies in heaven. I don't want to cry because I don't want to feel that awful again after such awful physical pain. Especially when there's nothing but emptiness on the other side of the tears.

Abide with us Lord, for it is toward evening, and the day is far spent.
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3 comments:

  1. MelroseFebruary 18, 2013 at 6:08 PM

    OK, I lied, I cried, and it felt good.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Reb. MaryFebruary 18, 2013 at 8:39 PM

    Even tears can be grace.
    "Resurrection Joy": a name that clings to the promise. A beautiful name, beautiful like the little one who will someday be restored to you, forever.
    May our Lord hasten the day. :'(

    ReplyDelete
  3. UnknownFebruary 19, 2013 at 9:06 AM

    "My grace is sufficient for you..." He will give you the strength to put one. foot. in. front. of the other. In your time. In His. Your tears are a gift to yourself and your baby, saying "you are a life worth mourning."

    I find that http://www.aholyexperience.com/ always helps me muddle through my day. Beauty and depth and honesty that I didn't even know I was missing.

    Love.

    ReplyDelete

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