If salt loses its saltiness.

When my Dad died I read C.S. Lewis' "A Grief Observed". I was only 17 and he wrote it about the loss of his wife. But that book was exactly what I needed. It's funny because now I don't remember anything about the book...except one thing.

I remember feeling like something was wrong with me after my dad's plane smashed into the ground into a million pieces because everything...everything felt different, not just the areas of my life he was involved in directly. And then I read the part in Lewis' book in which he compared the loss of his wife to having salt suddenly taken from his diet. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but everything was different and nothing was right.

It's how I felt when my Dad, protector, and sole legal guardian was gone and it's how I feel now.

How is it that someone so tiny and not even born yet can so drastically change my entire life? No, really. I'm not just talking emotionally. My entire life has been thrown on a completely new course. And I feel her absence in a very profound way.

Normally the further I get into a pregnancy the more I stick close to home. I don't like to be out and about much, I don't like to travel at all, and I'm not nearly as social.

But when I'm not pregnant (esp. now that I don't have a little baby anymore and my youngest is close to weaning) and I've lost my pregnancy weight I have energy, I'm social, I love to travel, and I like to find things to do, organize, manage, become more efficient with, etc etc. I'm going places I wouldn't, meeting people I wouldn't, doing things I wouldn't, making connections I wouldn't...everything has changed due to this tiny little person.

Suddenly I'm in efficient mode when I would be nesting. I'm being social when I would be turning in. I'm traveling when I wouldn't be as eager to.

And every second of the way I am aware of why.



It doesn't make me mourn the way it did at first. I can officially say my mourning has changed drastically since the day she was born. When you have someone as close as your Daddy go to heaven that suddenly and tragically, well, heaven feels very very real...and, familiar. Heaven feels like home. I once told one of my friends from my home church, shortly after my dad died, that it felt like I was walking around with one foot in heaven and one on earth. I feel that way even more now. In a good way.

I am learning to rejoice in this time. Of course I will always wish Anastasia was with me. But she is not and the Lord is working His good in all situations. I am feeling stronger than I did physically when I first became pregnant with her. I still felt not quite over my pregnancy with my 4th born when I conceived but now I'm feeling much stronger. And I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, life doesn't stop because you want it to and I have a vocation to continue with. And I am so so so very thankful that I do...that God has made me who He made me and that I have the amazing husband and 4 little boys that I do. I am so very thankful.