Genesis

Friday came and with it an 11 week apt. I had been feeling very peaceful since a 9 1/2 wk ultrasound but still found myself nervous. It was sometime between week 11 and 12 that Anastasia died and I knew at my apt we would be trying to find the heart beat with the doppler. It was the doppler that revealed to us our baby had died before...what if I only heard silence again?

I prayed about it and the kids and I did our devotional readings and while I prayed later in the shower (seems to be the only place I can really pray without being interrupted), I knew it was going to be OK. I'm not saying I knew the baby would be alive. I'm saying I knew no matter what I was going to be OK. The Lord has truly restored my joy and I felt joyful and peaceful about any outcome. If the Lord chose to bring back our grief, He would be there before and after and within us.

I went to my apt alone because my husband had to take my oldest to piano. He took all the little boys with him. I got there and we chatted for a long time and since I'm working with a new midwife we went over all my past history, all our births and miscarriages. Of course we ended with the miscarriages since those were most recent. My midwife was wonderful and her assistant had endured 3 miscarriages in a row. They both listened and offered sweet words of comfort and consolation. Finally it was time to try the doppler.

I took a deep breath and laid down. The midwife spread the jelly and started searching. We started on the right. We listened and she explained that the one thing we were hearing was my own heart beat. I knew that as it was the same thing my other midwife said the day we couldn't find Anastasia's. After not finding it she went over to the left. We all sat there listening to the silence. I closed my eyes. "Come what may, Lord." I tried to find some words to tell my midwife it was OK to stop trying. But my midwife seemed unfazed. Instead she went way down and to the right. Suddenly we heard a "SWOOSH!" My eyes shot open and I looked at her with surprise and disbelief and then she cornered the little mover and hider and we heard the "whooshwhooshwhooshwhooshwooshwoosh" of the babe's heart racing. My tears started flowing and the midwife and assistant cried with me. I love midwives.

I'm in maternity clothes now. My fundal height is half way to my belly button. And this Friday, I will be 12 weeks. I can hardly believe my first trimester is almost over. It seems like a dream.

And speaking of dreams, remember my dream with Anastasia that would have taken place tomorrow in this pregnancy as far as length (also the day the dr believes she died)? Well I had a dream last night too. I had a dream I had a full term baby and was holding the chunky baby in my arms. The baby was naked except for a diaper. My husband said, "Did you look to see what it is?" I laughed and said "No! I can't believe I forgot to look!" I had been holding and nursing the child for quite some time. I slowly opened the diaper and in my dream that part took forever. Then, I saw a girl. :)

I don't know if I really have a lil girl in there or another bouncing boy but I am so thankful for today and each day with my sweet Genesis Hope. Christ keep us.